Riding with Xena
by KM Bard
Summary: Gabrielle recounts her relationship with Xena from the start. Within a first person narrative, Gabrielle relays an accurate depiction of how her travels with Xena changed them both. This is the first chapter of thirteen. The story deals with explicit sexual themes between two women.
1. Chapter 1

Part 1

"Give me your hand!"

It was the last logical request I would hear all evening, but I had no idea at the time. I took her hand with a little hope and a lot of trust.

We rode through the forest until it was too dark, and then stopped to set up for sleep. She kept looking at me, but I paid little attention to her eyes. I knew it would upset her, so I just carried on levelling out the ground and ridding the hard soil of rocks. When I finally did look up at her, she had a certain fire in her eyes that I hadn't understood in my innocent youth. I just looked back in blank confusion.

"Come sleep with me."

Her words were twisted with lust, but I didn't understand at the time. I looked to the ground and tried to make sense of her request - she was not the cuddling type. Seeing the true want in her eyes, I saw no reason to refuse her, and walked over to accept the offer.

She laid on the bedroll first, looking up at me expectantly, but I didn't know what for. Slowly, I sat and then laid down next to her, terribly nervous and concerned for what she wanted. A warrior like herself didn't ask for company unless it meant something more. I started to become worried, but shook the thoughts from my mind as I turned on my side.

Looking out to the greenery and darkness of the night comforted me, and I quickly closed my eyes.

My fatigue throughout the day was catching up to me quickly, and I was sinking into a sort of relaxation when I felt her hand on my hip. I stilled myself instinctively, freezing with the touch.

"Relax."

I only remember each word she spoke because our conversations were so sparse.

The command did somewhat relax me, but only because she said it so softy, as if trying to soothe a frightened deer. Images of warm comforters and home-cooked meals entered my mind as she then wrapped her arms around me. It was so splendid I forgot all of my fears and took deeper breaths, totally comforted in her strong, protective arms. I had seen her in battle - watching with the rest of the villagers from my hometown - and knew her capabilities, so it was comforting to know she held me so closely. Nothing could hurt me there.

I must have fallen asleep quickly because the next thing I remembered was the crisp morning air. I blinked myself awake and looked over my shoulder to find myself alone.

After some searching, I found Xena in the river. I inquired with some trepidation as to why she was swimming so early, and instead of an answer, I received another request.

"Join me."

For some reason, I was drawn to obliging her requests. It might have been my fear that she would abandon me that kept me so agreeable, or maybe it was because I sensed in her voice that she needed me to accept; I knew it must have been hard for a warrior so accomplished to take no for an answer. Either way, I was beginning to enjoy doing these little things for her. And she was pleased with my acceptance.

It wasn't long before I was completely naked, my eyes on the ground. The tension between us was thick, but I tried not to acknowledge the fact that I knew she was looking at my body. Instead, I slowly stepped into the water.

She waited as patiently as I've ever seen a person wait, and it settled my fears once again. Once I was in up to my waist, she started to make her way over to me. And after being used to her monosyllabic responses, her actions were always a clue to the way she was feeling, so I knew she was excited. However cautious she seemed, the way she came over to me revealed her true enthusiasm.

Maybe she was excited to have a friend for once in a really long time, I told myself. Of course it wasn't because a naked virgin girl joined her in the lake. I was too naive to truly understand it all.

With one hand, she gently intertwined her fingers with mine under the water, and her eyes seemed to sparkle at me. It was an odd gesture, but I immediately enjoyed it. It was comforting to know she was so excited to be with me - Xena, this epic warrior that all women and men feared alike. She was taking my hand in her own, and giving me her undivided attention. The simple act gave me tingles, whether they be from my own body realizing the effect she had on me or the temperature of the cold water, I'm not quite sure.

I had my first sensual thrill when she pulled me a bit closer then, and pressed her lips close to my ear. Very softly, she said "I want you" and everything seemed to make sense. I was still completely oblivious to any specifics, but I knew at that moment just what she wanted, and I have to admit that I was also excited. Scared, but excited.

I squeezed her hand a little tighter, but couldn't say anything. I do, however, remember moaning when her other hand slipped from my waist to the back of my thigh and over again. I don't know what came over me, but I leaned onto her and the sensation of my naked chest against hers was an aphrodisiac if ever there was one.

She somehow controlled her lust, and we walked back out together, laying out to dry, and then pulling on our clothes.

Later on that evening, she told me how she had wanted to talk the other night, but something was different about me.

When I questioned her what she meant about that, and what she had done in the past by way of discussions, she was back to her grunted responses. I could see this would get me nowhere, but I enjoyed the talkative moment, so I leaned in a bit closer and asked her if she wanted to kiss me. Where that came from I still don't know. Looking back on it, I was brave to suggest something so bold all alone in the woods with a ruthless warrior, but I was naive to that too, and I think she could sense it. I think that's exactly why I was so safe.

Without replying properly, she leaned in too, and her hot lips pressed to mine, warming the cool, soft skin. I remember her warmth more than anything as she drew me closer and kept me there with only her lips. Even then I knew something was different. It felt almost magical, how tender it was, and how it had captivated me. And I could tell she wanted more than just one kiss, but somehow she pulled herself back and looked into my eyes. I couldn't read them because the emotion ran so deep and so strong that it was more than I could bear. Usually she seemed so cold and vengeful, but in that moment, there were all different groups of emotions mixing together like swirls of vibrant paint. Seeping closer and even mixing accidentally.

I could barely breathe, so I just swallowed hard and licked my lips instinctively. I think that set her off, because she excused herself. I know now that it must have been too much for her, and she didn't want to need me so badly. I just slumped over, feeling awful and unworthy of her time. Something in me could see that we were too different, and it was a depressing thought. I had never had such an interesting friend.

It was three days before she kissed me again, but that time, it was altogether different.

Just after a lengthy battle with Caesar's army, she stormed into the little camp we had silently set up, and she grabbed my arm. I had watched her dig her feet into the ground with each step, and I knew something wasn't right - like her body was off-kilter.

"Kiss me."

The way she growled the command struck a fear into me that I'd never known before. With wide, fearful eyes, I obliged her like I did to her every request, but it was much rougher than our last kiss. I'd never known such aggressive passion existed, and it frightened me to be confronted with it all so quickly.

The grass was so wet underneath my feet I nearly slipped with her grabbing, but her grip on me was too strong for that. That's when I realized just how well she was holding me, and I started to panic.

Suddenly the kiss was too deep - her tongue forcing its way into my mouth - and hands moving down my back were too rough. I couldn't help but try to escape. I tugged at my arms and then turned my head, but she persisted. Her lips found my neck and her hands found my bottom. She squeezed, sending me shivers, and released her tongue just below my ear, growling some provocative demand in my ear that I couldn't hear over my own mumbled protests.

Her strength allowed for her to wrestle me easily to the ground - even in my fearful panic - and she pinned my arms on either side of my head. I remember kicking my legs, but she was straddling me well, and there was really no use.

"Come here," she growled, then pressing both hands onto my chest. It felt like she needed me, really needed me.

Finding it no use anyway, I finally resigned and relaxed myself. I turned my head away, thinking that she might as well take what she wanted. Shamefully thinking that I ought to help her anyways, because she'd taken me under her wing.

Xena slowed her actions when my body became dead weight, and she pulled her head back just enough to watch my expression.

She lifted herself off of me almost at once and shielded her face from me before running back into the woods. I blinked the tears from my eyes and watched her fast retreat with confusion. What had gotten into her, and why had my emotions troubled her so deeply? Surely she wasn't that kind of woman, to be so easily swayed by a simple girl. I couldn't get up because of my still-upsetting fear, so I just curled up in that spot and covered my face to shut out the afternoon light.

I awoke to the sound of a horse fussing in the dirt, it refusing to behave in any sense of the word. With what little strength I had left in me from my fight with Xena, I turned to see the warrior pulling Argo's reins. She had everything packed up and seemed to be arguing with the horse - her eyes delivering her anger.

Almost as if I knew its importance, the conversation I had with her then is engraved in my mind.

"You're leaving me here?" I asked after getting to my feet. I could hardly move, and the depression spoke through my tone of voice.

"No. I'm bringing you to the next town and leaving you there."

It was almost comical, how nonchalantly she spoke about abandoning me somewhere. Still, I wasn't laughing. "But ..."

"I don't ... I can't be with you."

The words cut right through me, and suddenly I couldn't imagine not waking up beside her. Something about her had grown on me quickly, and it was something I couldn't shake. It was a contagious likeness that we both felt.

Knowing just how many things she must be feeling to speak so honestly to me, I prodded her further. Almost as if I knew her limits. "Did I do something wrong?"

She breathed heavily and turned to me, ignoring Argo for a moment. "You oblige me, Gabrielle." I could see it pained her to use my name. "I can't ... I just can't."

I could see what she needed and I wanted to give it to her. Suddenly, I wanted to give her a part of myself. It was a strange moment for such desires, but I took a few unsteady steps toward her and whispered to her. "You can ... hold me that way if you want. It was just too hard ... You scared me."

The tears in her eyes were obvious, but her calm expression confused my own understanding of frustration and sadness. She was fussing with Argo again before I could stop her. I even reached out for her arm, but she refused my touch.

The next touch she allowed me was after she had mounted the horse, and reached down. So many times she had helped me up behind her this way, but for some reason, I just couldn't let her do it. I didn't want her to take me away, like if I stayed there I might somehow be able to find her again.

"Give me your hand."

I wanted to cry with the reminder of the way I left with her that first time we met - running from the army of raiders that had destroyed everything else - but I kept my tears inside like Xena showed me was perfectly possible. I blinked them back as she lifted me up at last, to settle in behind her for the ride.

On our way to civilization, I rested my head on her shoulder and slipped my arms around her waist. The meaning behind the touch was different now that I understood her needs a little better. I thought about touching her the entire way there, but I was too nervous to try it for fear she would turn on me like she had earlier. Both of my hands were clasped at her stomach when we finally reached the small town.

She slid off the horse first in an impossible way that still baffles me, and reached up for me. I could see that she didn't want to help me down - that there were thoughts and temptations behind such proximity - but she allowed it anyway.

When she finally let me down on the matted dirt ground, she looked me in the eyes and spoke as coldly as she could manage.

"It's better this way."

A little bag of coins hit my shoulder before falling to the floor, but I couldn't take my eyes from her as she trotted away, soon setting Argo into a full gallop. I could tell by the gentle way she threw the money to me that she felt bad for leaving me there, and I could also see that her intentions were proper. Still, I was distraught.

It only took one good look around me to see that I could never live in that village, and I walked off in the direction that Xena took before tucking the bag of coins into my cleavage. Thankfully there was room in my peasant dress for such things.

The first night was cold because I couldn't start a fire like Xena, and I was starting to regret not spending one night in a nice room back at the bland village, but I still slept. I couldn't have stayed anyway, as that would have distanced us even further.

The second night I began to give up all hope after an exhausting day of constant travel, when suddenly I heard laughter. My ears perked up with excitement at the possibility of some company, and I eagerly left the area I had suited for a bed to look for a friend. Was it possible I was so lucky as to find company?

I came across a camp of men, and was taken aback by their loud and aggressive behavior, but they all seemed to be warriors like Xena, and that fact served to comfort me. As crude as they were, they reminded me of the soft-hearted woman I had grown to like, so I stepped from the shadows.

A couple of whistles and teasing calls caught my ears before a young man walked up to me. I could tell he was feeding off of the fear in my eyes, and that frightened me even further. That was the moment I realized these men weren't necessarily like Xena at all. I said the first thing that came to mind. "I ... I just saw the ... the fire, and I thought I could see if there were ... people, maybe?"

"I'm a little lonely tonight myself," another man spoke up, toasting to his statement with a makeshift cup and grinning far too widely. I couldn't help but show my fear - it was all I had.

"Maybe the wench fancies a little dance, hey?"

"So long as she's stripped!"

The comments were flying at me from every angle, and all I wanted to do was hide in some hole in the ground when I was pulled toward the middle of the circle by the man at my side. I gasped, but couldn't scream. I was too afraid.

Their laughter pierced my senses as cruel and terrifying, and I was thrown to another man who excitedly ran his hands under my dress. I tried pushing him off of me, but he was behind me, and much stronger than myself. As I was struggling with the touch on my thighs, another man pressed his large, rough hands over my dress, and onto my chest. I'd never felt so exposed and so completely vulnerable. I remember wanting to cry.

"Enough."

It had the piercing quality of a scream, but it was said evenly, and with a firm confidence.

Suddenly, all the men froze, and my knees gave in. I was in such shock that I couldn't keep on my feet anymore, and I couldn't even see who the voice belonged to. Still somehow, I knew.

There in front of me was the warrior herself - Xena. I was still trembling when I looked up her muscular thighs to her face. Almost as quickly as she had locked eyes with me, she tore them away again and turned to the first man who held me.

"She's off limits." Then, with a hard shove, the man stumbled onto his back. She turned to the other man and pulled him in by the collar of his shirt. The task seemed so easily accomplished, I could have sworn she carried godly powers. She just stared into his eyes with anger and then released him, as if he was unworthy of the scorn.

She began again as she reached down to me. "No one touches her," she emphasized, holding my arm as she pulled me to my feet, "Or they answer to me."

When my knees wobbled beneath me again under the stares of the entire camp, Xena wordlessly bent down and slung me over her shoulder. It was a crude way to carry me, but I assumed it was her way of claiming me in front of such a rough crowd. I accepted the gesture with gratitude, thanking her in the silence we shared all the way to the other side of the large camp I had stumbled across.

"You shouldn't have followed me."

It was the first thing she said after letting me back onto my own two feet. We were in a tent of sorts, and I looked around in confusion and amazement, wondering what she had gotten herself into, and how she had done it so quickly. Was this the kind of place she went to every day, promising of her return?

"Now I have to earn their respect ten times over."

I was offended with her selfish concerns, but I kept my feelings to myself. My eyes explained my disappointment, I know.

Then HER eyes softened again, like I was seeing the real woman inside. Her thick black hair hung so elegantly I could have sworn she'd just brushed it, but I knew that wasn't the case. She was looking at me. Trying to read my expression. "Are you alright?"

Looking down to the dirt on the bottom of my dress and my legs, I was afraid once more. With my lack of answer, she spoke again.

"Now you see why I left you."

It was more of a question than an explanation, but I know my shock was displayed in my features. Was she capable of such a violent gesture? "You ... would have ..."

Her eyes dropped and I could see the shame in her stance. It made me feel like she'd never felt it that way before.

"But Xena, you couldn't ..."

She looked at me again - her eyes revealing that my naivety was disappointing - and then she opened up in a way I hadn't expected in the least. "I couldn't. Something about you, Gabrielle ... it makes me regret everything I am." Her hearty words really touched me, and our connection allowed her to continue; that's my only reasoning for such a brute warrior having opened her heart to me so completely. "I want you ..." she said softly, and the phrase made my body yearn for her warmth again, but she quickly completed the thought: "To get away from here."

My heart sank with those words.

"It's for your own good."

When I looked up to her, those fiery blue eyes saw deep into mine, like she knew what I was silently plotting. Those eyes begged me not to do it, but I couldn't resist. Very slowly, I leaned my head up, and after reaching nearly the entire way, she touched her lips to mine. It was a satisfying kiss, as soft and innocent as it was. And even with the sweet embrace, I remember yearning for her tongue again - just not so roughly. In a way, I had liked the way it felt passing over my lips.

This time, instead of pulling back, she disconnected from the kiss only to start anew, and with a greater desire behind the embrace. She put her hands on my hips and drew me in closer while her lips kneaded my own. A throbbing started between my legs, and it was so new to me that I wasn't sure what was happening to my own body. It was a growing ache, and I was worried it would never leave me.

Her tongue gently eased onto my upper lip, and I instinctively parted them, unknowing of her response. When her tongue slid into my mouth to seek out my own, I melted. I tried to stay on my feet, but I was grateful for her powerful hold on me. The feelings were unusual for me, but those few moments took control of my body and mind, reeling me into new depths I had never discovered before. She was delivering something to me that I never knew existed - lust.

I could feel that she was trying to be gentle with me, but her rough hands had a difficult time of it once she had eased me onto the makeshift bed. It wasn't only uncomfortable, but impractical as well with straw and twigs hanging out the sides. Still, the canvas-type material separated us from the harsher textures, and I was grateful for that. Lying on my back beneath her, I was sure I would lose my virginity that night, but she only allowed herself to kiss me and to savour small touches here and there. The touches, however, were electric.

The shoulder of my dress being pulled down my arm shocked me, to say the least, but the incredible surprise of her mouth closing over my nipple more than made up for that. I remember arching into the way her tongue teased me, and I also remember instinctively grinding onto her thigh, but she put an end to our fun soon after that.

"I need to walk."

She spoke hoarsely and pulled herself off of me so quickly I almost expected another had entered the room and done it instead, but no one had joined us. I couldn't even call her back before she had walked out, past the tent flap to disappear from sight.

After quickly fixing my dress, I stepped out of the tent in the direction she had gone, and saw her disappear into the darkness of the forest. I knew she would be back, but her absence left me feeling incredibly empty.

The sudden silence of the men around the fire in the distance caused my eyes to move over toward them. They were all staring at me, as if daring me to invite a rude comment or a devilish touch. I widened my eyes and backed into the tent once again, confident that their fear of Xena would override their desire for another blatant attack.

When I laid back onto the bed again, I could still feel the ache between my legs. Slowly, I parted my legs and pulled a misshapen blanket over my lower half. The slight coverage allowed my curiosity to will my hands down my stomach. I hoped that if I could find the source of throbbing, hopefully I could ease the constant pulsing. It was becoming truly unbearable.

My soft fingers were guided down to lift my dress over my knees before my hand ventured up my thighs. It felt so wrong, but with the wildly sexual influences all around me, it was a journey I needed to take. I wanted to know what Xena wanted - what she needed - and to feel it for myself.

Both of my eyes were closed when my fingers touched between my legs for the first time. Never before had I explored myself that way, or really taken the time to understand my desires.

I let my mind wander to anything, and it settled naturally on the image of Xena's body, and her commanding presence. The piercing blue in her eyes. I gasped with the vision, completely overwhelmed with my new discovery. It felt so good to touch myself - I couldn't imagine why one would need another for this - evidence of my naivety once more. It did feel wonderful.

As excited as I was, I still had no idea how to touch myself, or where for that matter, and my fatigue overcame me before I could truly satisfy myself and ease this mysterious ache. I let my eyes close, and drifted off.

The next thing I knew, my fingers felt tingly - like something unusual that I couldn't quite place. I blinked my eyes open slowly to find Xena leaning over me, holding my hand in her own and gently licking my fingers. The image was so purely sexual that the ache revisited me again. My breath caught in my throat when she eased my fingers into her mouth, when I remembered where those particular fingers had been. She immediately turned her head and looked into my eyes.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, feeling exposed but in the most sensual way. It was a beautiful feeling, and it gave me tingles all down my back.

She fired the question back at me because she knew my innocence. "What were you doing with these fingers?" Then she ran her tongue softly over the finger I used most before speaking again. "And don't even think of lying to me."

There was a hint of playfulness in her tone, and I sensed it right away. I was immediately calmed, and thriving on this new exploration. My hand was caught in hers, but the grasp was warm and thoughtful. "I was just ... seeing. I never really ... did anything ... to myself. I just ... you left, and ..."

"Did you like it?" she asked, her voice hoarse and raspy. Oh, the things she was capable of - a part of me desired for her to take me right then.

I just nodded instead, and squirmed onto my side. "Can you hold me while I sleep?"

Even then I knew it was cruel to ignore her obvious want, but I was enjoying this power I had over her. I never meant any harm, but I felt it lured us both into a wild frenzy. I remember laying on my side and just smiling. It was the most aroused I had ever felt, teasing her.

She mumbled something and laid behind me, tucking one arm under my neck and bringing the other up over my hip. She held me as close as she could, one hand gently cupping my breast. I tried to calm my breathing, but instead, what came out was somewhat different.

"You can ... touch me if you want."

We were both taken by surprise, but she pushed it aside much quicker than myself. I could hear her breath in my ear, and I squirmed with the way she held me so possessively, like she owned every shiver and moan. "I will ..." she whispered back, gently moving her hand down my leg but then back up to where it had been resting. "... But not tonight."

The throbbing finally relented so that sleep found me once more, and I sank into a deep relaxation there in Xena's arms. She knew just how to hold me.

The next morning began with a start, and I was riding with Xena in a matter of moments - completely shocked at the woman's ability to keep a calm strength through raiders at dawn and a fight over her possessions. I just hung on for dear life, sore after all of the wild riding, but determined to suffer through it if she was. I would show her I could be strong too.

Sadly I couldn't keep to my wish, because after several hours, my stomach was rumbling. Not only did I mention it to her, but when she responded with silence, I became frustrated. Something instinctively told me I had that right, and that nobody else could speak to her in the same pestering tone. Something told me she'd put up with it, just because it was me - the girl she'd somehow grown to like.

"Xena, I'm really hungry. Can't we stop for just a minute?"

A heavy sigh escaped, and then she turned her head so that her profile was illuminated in the early sun. Her beauty in that moment surprised me.

"I can't stop yet."

I leaned back a bit and smiled when I saw a hint of the same on her lips. I could tell it had been some time since anyone had spoken to her that way. "Xena." I pressed for more, enjoying this odd familiarity.

"You're starting to annoy me, Gabrielle."

That was a reason for Xena to kill, if she so pleased, but in this case, it was only a phrase. The understanding of such led to greater relaxation around her, and I think she could sense that, too. She started to familiarize herself with my incessant whining, although I did as I was told. I felt that if I ever became too difficult, she would leave me somewhere again. That thought alone kept me relatively submissive to her commands, although no unusual requests were given. In a way, that was also disappointing. I think Xena was struggling with the way she felt about me - and that this was new for both of us - and so she kept herself away from me in that sense.

There were a few nights when I wished she would have come up to me and grabbed me - just taken me - but we went months without anything of the kind.

It was a long while before I saw that glimmer in her eyes again, and I recognized it in the middle of a mundane argument over what I was making for dinner.

The chill of the rain had kept her from roaming too far, as we'd found a proper shelter, and she seemed to have a lot of pent-up energy. Usually after a battle, she slipped off into the woods to burn off some of that energy, but on that particular day, she just sat there with her head in her hands.

"I think we should ride into town, Xena," I remember asking, still impressed with her ability to light a fire amidst a rainfall, but frustrated as well. "We could buy dinner tonight instead of cooking." Then I looked to the struggling fire and back at her, gesturing toward it. "It's dying already, and there's a town not too far fr-"

I couldn't even finish because she leapt to her feet and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pinning my smaller form to the strangely lop-sided tree that was keeping us from the downpour. When she looked into my eyes with a seething anger, I also saw something else that had obviously ignited within her.

"You talk too much."

She was capable of snapping my spine if she wished it, but that wasn't my concern. My only real concern was that she would ignore whatever she wanted so desperately that she felt she needed to hide from me.

Oxygen filled my lungs as I found my breath again, and my eyes focused on her lips. I expected her to kiss me and take me like before, holding me down on the cold ground while she touched me all she wanted.

Fantasizing about it so closely to her, I felt something thick and wet along my inner thigh, and my eyes widened. Was it my cycle already? Worriedly, my lower lip trembled and I looked back into her eyes.

She let me down, worried she might have hurt me. I could see it in her crystal blues, so I spoke to extinguish her concern.

"I just ... felt something," I said, bringing my legs together.

Then the fire was back in her eyes, and I knew she wanted to do something she couldn't let herself do. Something she thought she couldn't do with me, but I didn't know what that was at the time. I kept focused on her eyes that were moving down my body to my feet. She didn't need to say anything for me to immediately understand something different was going on.

"It's ... not my? ..."

"Probably not," she said bluntly, wiping her brow with the back of her hand and turning her head. Her wet bangs were matted to her forehead as she whipped her head from left to right, thinking. The moment she took to collect herself gave me just enough time to step up to her.

"What is it?"

I must have frightened her, because she jumped. Even as highly toned as her reflexes were, I seemed to throw her off sometimes. Maybe it was the same way that only I could frustrate her to no end, and live to see another day.

"Gods!" she gasped in surprise, immediately composing herself. "Gabrielle." It was a long, silent moment between us that had me wanting an incredibly specific explanation. "Don't ask me that."

She was gone before I could pester her for a true answer.

After that first night I had tried to touch myself months ago, I had given it up. I felt like it was something I shouldn't have done to myself, but as time passed - and especially after Xena wouldn't answer my question - I began to reassess my thoughts on the matter.

With Xena gone for another run, or some sort of escape again, I sat and leaned back against the big old tree and ran my hands over my legs. Partially to keep them warm from the cool of the evening, and partially to try to empty my mind. What would Xena do? I kept asking myself, closing my eyes to aid in the process of fantasy. It always felt so good to fantasize about her.

The first image that came to my mind? Her strong hands. I smiled to myself in the quiet spot on the ground and shifted my bottom a bit for comfort. I remember breathing heavily and licking my lips.

Xena's arms ignited my desire - the effortless way she lifted me up behind her onto Argo. I never could understand that.

By the time I had started thinking about her breasts, I was completely confused. I had started asking myself questions like 'why do I feel so free to think about such things?' and 'why do I feel these things about a woman?'. I began to feel betrayed by my own desire, and wished feverishly that my feelings for Xena would cease with the rain - if it ever would.

When Xena had come back, she found me laying flat on my back, eyes closed, letting the rain soak into my clothes and over my chilled skin. I was trying to punish myself for the thoughts I had enjoyed, because of the guilt it gave me. I wanted to rid myself of all the complications, and hoped the rain would do so. However, Xena didn't quite understand this symbolic cleanse.

"You're delusional."

It was the only response she gave me after hoisting me up on her shoulder.

Sure I had refused to seek shelter, but I hadn't thought she would care so much to lift me up and bring me with her. I let myself become dead weight, and felt the blood rush to my head. It was strange and terrifying, but the view of Xena's bottom and the backs of her thighs gathered my interest. Then I remembered my misery and forced my eyes closed. These thoughts weren't for girls, and these thoughts definitely weren't for me, I assured myself.

She let me down after taking her bedroll off of Argo, and dropping it on the ground. Then she looked at me with uncertainty, and then to my clothes. I was already freezing. "Take them off." She'd turned before I could start, and very slowly, I peeled off my soaking garments, shivering naked behind her.

I noted that she was clenching her fists and shifting a little as I finally spoke back to her. "Okay ... I'm naked. Now what?"

"Lay down," she instructed, pulling the small cover form Argo as well, tossing it to me without really looking. Although we bathed together, she never really let herself look at me. And that moment was no different. It seemed that the more time she spent with me, the more fearful she was of my naked body.

Slowly but surely, she joined me on the bedroll, and pulled me close for warmth.

"Don't talk."

It wasn't rude coming from Xena, because I knew she didn't want me to ask why or for how long she would hold me. She just wanted to help relax me, and she knew her touch did just that. Without question or guilt, I knew the same and cherished the knowledge. Sure enough, I snuggled up in her arms, and her seemingly impossible warmth put me to sleep.

When I awoke, she was touching me.

The nearly pitch black of the night confused me as to my reason for such wakefulness, but I wasn't wondering for much longer. I made sure not to move when I realized that Xena had gently traced her fingers up to my hip. I felt sexually vulnerable, but I was surprised for my like of the sensation. I was instantly throbbing again, silently pleading that she would really touch me. To show me what she wanted. 'Please' I begged to myself, not daring to whisper the word aloud. I was an incredibly deep sleeper, and she likely figured I was still asleep.

Her hand was on my inner thigh just then, fingers so gentle I could barely feel their feather-soft touch. I laid very quietly, as if I could hear her thoughts in response to my own.

Listening to her uneven breathing satisfied me, and I fought to hold back the smile. I knew my body was what she desired most, and it was arousing me to no end. I couldn't help the gentle flow of desire from trickling out of me again, and I could feel the small amount slip over my skin before her finger swept it up in its path. I knew what she was doing without having to look - she was feeling it between her thumb and forefinger to characterize my desire. She loved understanding mysterious things.

When I couldn't help but shift in my supposed sleep, she gasped and forced herself away. Her breathing was shaky and troubled, and I could feel that she was wondering: What have I done?

Her hurried footsteps followed her shock, and I was free to open my eyes. She was gone again, and it hurt to be alone. I felt between my legs for my own personal curiosity, and I was shocked with how wet I had become. What had she done to me? Oh, what she could do to me.

I closed my eyes and fell back asleep, ever hopeful that she would take advantage of my rest once again. But she left me alone for the rest of the night.

The next morning, I woke up alone, but that didn't surprise me.

It was another week or so before I felt the same incredible need between us. This time it was my doing, and I was pleased with her initial response.

Her mouth dropped open and she froze in her tracks. Her raven-dark hair grazed each cheek as her shoulders dropped in shock. Her entire body was affected by the sight before her - me. Well, me laying on her bedroll, legs parted and eyes inviting her closer.

She was still drenched head-to-toe from her swim in the lake, and the water falling into her eyes forced her to blink hard. However, her eyes opened again quickly, and her expression made me smile.

"You don't know what you're doing."

A bold statement, if ever there was one. Especially since I was coming onto her in such a blatantly sexual fashion.

"I just like it down here." It was a lie, and an obvious one at that, but she forced her mouth closed and breathed heavily through her nose. Both of us knew that I was very inexperienced with such bed-related matters. "Won't you hold me tonight? It's ... so cold, Xena." I knew that she often twitched at the way I said her name - like she was powerless to refuse anything I might ask her.

"No," she answered, turning her head so as to physically pull her eyes from me.

Xena's quick response struck me as cold, but when I gave myself a moment to think it over, I realized it must have been because she was uncomfortably aroused. Maybe she had the ache like I did. Then I smiled: maybe she knew how to fix it.

"Why are you smiling?" She took a step forward, frustration on her face.

My smile was gone with my mood. She just felt too cold that night, and too shut down to pay any real attention to me. If I was going to invite someone so explicitly, they had better appreciate it. Even in my naivety I knew that, and I felt disappointed, so I got up. But my eyes couldn't meet hers. I felt stupid for making myself so vulnerable, because although her words were few, a great amount of time had elapsed while I waited on the cold, hard ground, and she hadn't even tried to warm her smile. She just stood there, and I felt judged.

"Nothing," I said, equally cold, and turned in the other direction. I took out my own bedroll and put it on the ground, opposite to Xena's, and on the other side of the fire.

She was watching my every move - I knew that, but I didn't want to care, so I forced myself to be angry.

"Are you sick?"

Although it may have been a hurtful phrase, after knowing Xena, it was an honest concern, and so I answered with equal honesty. "No." I kept my back turned, refusing to watch her stare at me from across the fire, her piercing blue eyes undoubtedly holding confusion and regret.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

I must have fallen asleep in my unsettled state, because the next thing I saw was the grass drenched in morning dew. I closed my eyes again, disappointed with the happenings the night before. If I had known what awaited me on our long trail west later that afternoon, I wouldn't have complied with the travel when Xena woke me.

The walk was not unlike any other, except for a slight tension that neither of us could fully understand. There was a complicated air around us.

Not a word for miles. Just myself walking alongside Xena on her horse, trying not to focus on my own sadness. I remember thinking 'maybe today will start looking up' and the thought was soon dissolved with terror.

"Don't move!"

That was my proof that I wasn't dreaming - the voice was strange, like the gravel beneath my shoes. He was screaming to Xena while he held my back to his chest - a knife at my throat. This was the first time I had been in such immediate, violent danger, and I could see the deep concern in Xena's eyes.

I remember being happy in that one moment, content in knowing that she did feel something for me at least. And then I was brought back to the situation when he pressed the blade harder to my skin. The metal was cold and the slight pressure hurt the delicate flesh there.

"We've heard of you," one man smirked, but I quickly reverted my attention back to Xena as he spoke. "And as we've watched you, we've seen that you've a weakness."

Xena remained calm, her eyes moving over me for a long moment to settle on the angry traveller behind me. "Oh really."

I could see her phrase frustrated the men by the way the knife was pressed harder, and the way he shouted to her. "We're not kidding, whore!"

"Ooh, whore," Xena said, slipping off her horse to let her feet to the ground all in one quick moment.

Then they had the upper hand. It was so quick I nearly missed it myself.

"This is gonna be mine," the man grinned, slipping his hand over my hip and pressing into my mound from his place behind me. I shivered from the touch, and was immediately disgusted.

I wish I hadn't seemed such a naive innocent, but I couldn't stop from screaming out to her. "Xena!"

"Okay," Xena said firmly, raising her hands in front of her. I couldn't see her because I was struggling against the man behind me who now held both of my arms tightly in his. I saw the third man walk over to me, still keeping one eye on Xena as he contributed.

"Maybe we'll all do the whore," he smirked, seeing what fear was in my eyes. He touched my cheek before I turned my head angrily from him. "Are the breasts to your taste, Xena?"

"Get off of her," Xena spat out, taking a confident, deadly step toward them. She couldn't play careless anymore. They'd angered her in a way which wasn't often possible, and we could all see her rage.

All I could do was close my eyes and slowly squirm in strong hands. I wanted her to save me, but I didn't know how she would. Fear struck me as I thought she might give up - the effort unworthy of my presence - and I'd be left to these perverted travellers. Thankfully, she remained.

I tried to tune out the things they were saying, but I just couldn't.

"I know how you like 'em," the third man chuckled, delivering a hard slap right across my face. I screamed and my legs buckled. The man behind me had to keep my entire weight in his arms. "With a little fight!"

Xena was close now, a seething anger evident in her eyes when I could finally lift my head.

The man laughed, but was cut short when Xena's hand closed around his throat, forcing him backward. "I think I might amputate a certain ... member," she snarled, pressing him up against the tree. She was no longer worried about herself or even my own safety. Her anger had obviously gotten the better of her. And she must have sensed the other men's thoughts as they looked to each other. "Drop the girl where she stands and run. Run before I've broken your legs and gouged your eyes for touching what's mine."

I didn't recognize this Xena. She was darker than the more familiar raven-haired beauty I knew from our day-to-day conversations.

Nonetheless, they did take their hands away from me and ran down the trail. I smoothed my hands over my arms where the man held me, as they were already sore. When I looked up to Xena, I saw a dagger in her hand and a fury in her expression that even I had feared at the time.

"Xena!" the call was soft, but she heard me. She didn't turn her attention from the man, but she halted her actions. "Xena ... please don't kill him."

There was confusion and a large majority of anger still running through her. "Don't? ... Give me one good reason."

I thought of how to explain that I believed in proper justice, and not such unnecessary violence, but there was no time for that. "Because I wish it."

The look on the man's face appeared almost obnoxiously content, but it didn't stay for long. She released him only to bring his back to her chest, and snap his neck in one, fluid motion. She dropped him instantly, and simply stepped over his lifeless corpse.

My mouth fell open at what she had just done. I felt upset, disappointed, disgusted, and betrayed. I thought she had understood how much life meant to me. I turned away so I wouldn't be sick at what I had just witnessed. A man had just been killed before me.

In all my frustration, I still followed Xena to Argo, and back down the trail. Now I was truly upset. Why did everybody treat me like a defenseless girl? Why did everyone seek me out and feed off of my fear? That was when I needed to ask another question, looking up to the confident woman riding horseback. "Xena?" There was no response, but I didn't wait for one. "Can you teach me how to stop being afraid?"

Argo stopped, and I could see that it was from the small tug of Xena's wrist. I paused too, looking up at the mild confusion in her expression. That look in her eyes told me it wasn't something she wanted to teach me - that her world was too dark and scathing for me to want to experience.

"Xena ... I don't wanna be afraid all the time. I don't like it that everyone sees this innocent girl, and they all think they can pick on me."

She looked down to me in a way that told me she understood my predicament. "Gabrielle, you know I'm here."

I didn't know if I could speak my concern for the duration of her protection over me, so I kept quiet and brought my eyes back down to the road. "Okay."

Once we had set up around a small clearing, she took sudden hold of my slimmer, weaker wrist, and then held onto me by my shirt. I gasped and panicked all at once, trying to struggle away. It was so rough and surprising. For a moment, I was worried that she had found herself in another very violent frenzy - and excited too, I must admit - but her real purpose quickly became apparent.

She spun me around and held my back to her chest, whispering to me with instruction. "That fear you just felt ... it'll do you no good. You can't react that way, Gabrielle. Show them no fear."

Once she released me, I was breathless, but I understood her purpose then. I could only nod as my heart raced.

She looked me over and walked around me while I stood, just staring ahead. I knew she would want the element of surprise, and I wanted to give it to her. After all, I wished to learn.

Her violent touch concerned me again, but this time I pushed down all of my fear and forced a sort of confidence in myself that I hadn't felt before. I still have no idea how I grasped it so suddenly, but as she pulled me in with force, I kept my focus. I was aware of her hold on me, and my own stance, so I just waited as she breathed onto my ear. I was so focused I wasn't even aware of the sexual tension.

"Aren't you going to scream?" she whispered to me, bringing her free hand up to my neck. The gesture wasn't lost on me, but I was too determined to be weakened by it. I would show her I could do this. I was strong.

I kept my eyes opened and willed my racing heart to rest while I planned some sort of escape. I thought of what I would say if I had truly found myself in the situation, speaking as calmly as I could with her hand closed over my throat. "What's the use of that? ... No one would hear me."

The chill she felt shook through me when she shivered, and I couldn't help but smile. Did this mean she was proud? Had I affected the warrior herself? I couldn't help the satisfaction from seeping in. But just as I was celebrating to myself, she released me, distancing herself. "Good. Lesson learned." And with that, she was off.

When I heard gagging, I wondered how deeply it really had affected her, and became worried. Had it been such torture for her to imagine such a scenario - some strange man holding me captive in solitude, leaving me no logical reason to so much as scream? Surely she didn't care about me as strongly as it seemed to me? Either way, it appeared that she didn't like that lesson.

When she made her way back, I only opened my eyes as I laid on my bedroll before I felt her slipping in behind me. Holding me.

"Are you awake?" she asked quietly, her cold armour against my back. I didn't have the heart to worry her or make herself conscious, so I closed my eyes and just steadied my breathing as she finally calmed herself. I liked the protective nature that had come over her, and I slept easily in the warmth of her arms.

The morning offered warmth, and it was incredibly early, as we had fallen asleep so early the last evening. It had hardly been dark, but we both needed the comfort, and as soon as my eyes were opened, I noticed the distinct lack of her presence. Shifting around a bit, I looked for her familiar face, or even some show of her company, but I couldn't find a thing. I feared for a moment that she had abandoned me.

"You have looks, you know."

I blinked opened my eyes and sat up, looking to the direction of Xena's voice. Had she just said what I thought I heard? I was surprised and speechless. Completely speechless.

When she walked toward me from a narrow path in another area, she was holding a shift in her hands. It was relatively white, and far too big for my frame, but I looked on with appreciation. It looked as though she was offering it to me as she continued. "I figured you might like this, and ... maybe ... you won't be bothered so much with something to ..." she cleared her throat, seeming to admire the garment. "Cover you."

I still have no idea where she got the material - most likely bought off a passing traveller, I suppose - but I got up and walked over to her, smiling. "Xena ... it's ... beautiful." I couldn't act as indifferent as she so often did, and took another step to wrap my arms around her. It was a warm and comforting hug, my smile on her breast plate. "Thank you."

Xena accepted the hug with some discomfort, finally pulling back to see the excitement in my eyes. With great care, I lifted it over my head and brought it over my torso, admiring it as the fashion I felt it was. She had given me something - was this a confession of friendship between us? Something more? I locked eyes with her expectantly.

"Yeah ... well ... enjoy it," was all she could think to say, turning away from me and packing up her hunting tools to take them with her so she could catch something to eat.

I followed her over with a smile, just looking down at her. "Xena? ... Does this mean ..."

"It doesn't mean anything."

I watched as she got to her feet and walked over to Argo, her mind focused on the task at hand. Disappointment was inevitable, as I had hoped she would sweep me off my feet and whisper sweet nothings into my ear, but I couldn't help but smile. Xena had given me a gift. Then I frowned - I didn't have anything to give to her. No money for a gift anyway.

"Xena ..."

The look she threw me said that she didn't expect anything - she didn't even want anything. She held my stare until she was confident I understood, and then she headed off.

"I'm going hunting."

It was a phrase she often uttered, and I smiled at her kindness. Xena was the kindest person I'd ever met.

I sat quietly all through breakfast, and walked alongside her as we travelled that afternoon before we came to a nearby town. They were having some troubles, and they pleaded with Xena to help them.

As they were still talking, I saw Xena look down to me, seeing my hopeful smile. I understood at that very moment that I had a real influence on her actions, watching her hold out her hand to them. She accepted because of me. I could see that as plainly as anything, and I was flattered by it. She was so beautiful and capable and kind. Still, I knew she didn't see these qualities in herself.

"We'll stay here for a few days," Xena stated to the small group of townspeople who had approached her, looking around - Xena looking anywhere but back down to me to see my proud smile, I'm sure.

"You can stay at the inn no charge," one man insisted, waving over toward the place. "Please ... just help us. We need all the help we can get!"

Xena was all the help they would need.

"Come on," Xena directed, slipping off of Argo at last to walk the horse toward the inn. I quickly followed her, waving back to the hopeful villagers.

With both of my hands clasped behind my back, and a smile still tugging at my lips, I caught up to Xena's large, steady strides. "We can stay here for a few days then?"

Xena fought terribly hard at holding back her smile. I know that she liked to keep a certain image around others, but I also knew that she wanted to smile, too. For some unknown reason, we both found it very amusing to be offered free stay at a village inn. We were used to sleeping on the ground together. Not in bed.

Certain insinuations kept us smiling until we stepped inside the inn to see that the first floor was not only an eatery, but a pub. The alcohol was abundant, and even I noted that - I smelled it in the air, along with the grubby customers. Most were men, and the stares we received froze me in my place. I wasn't used to that kind of attention.

Xena, however, seemed comforted by the atmosphere. She slapped her hand on my back and headed in, seemingly ignoring my own uncertainty. Still, as shocked as I was, I wanted to prove myself to Xena, so I slowly walked to stand beside her at the old, wooden counter, and laid my hands on its rough, splintered surface.

"No, just port," she said simply, turning to me for a moment and then looking away before she smiled again. She laid down a coin as the drink was handed over to her, and quickly brought it to her contented sigh told me that she hadn't enjoyed one like it in some time. Xena turned around to challenge all the men's stares as she took another large sip, and then I did something that surprised her completely.

"Make it two."

She quickly turned back to me, mid-sip, fighting to keep from spitting it out. It took her a moment to swallow the drink and wipe her mouth with the back of her hand. "Gabrielle?" she asked as a full mug of port was handed over to me.

I raised it and looked uncertainly toward her, almost as if I were asking for permission to try it.

When she saw my uncertainty, her expression warmed, and she clinked her glass with mine. "Not too quickly," she mumbled to me as she paid for mine as well and then found us a table.

That was one of the first times I really got to speak with Xena, and I believe that it was partly because I was drinking with her. I think she was used to talking over drinks, and it was a comfort to her, as silly as I began to feel. I'd never had a full drink of alcohol before that, and with my slight frame, it affected me almost immediately.

When I started to giggle at everything she said, she set down her empty cup and one eyebrow raised to my silly mood. With the subtlest of smiles, she waved down the barmaid, and ordered another two drinks.

"Is one for me?" I asked mischievously, over the rim of my glass, and she chuckled audibly then, leaning back in her seat.

"No."

I giggled again and took another sip of the amber liquid - it was so potent, and it tasted horrible, but I enjoyed my time there with Xena. I would have had five glasses if she'd ordered them for me.

Xena finished all three drinks without appearing affected whatsoever. She did this all before I'd even finished my first, and I remember looking out at her, trying to focus. Was the room spinning? The alcohol was so strong.

"More?" I teased, laughing and wobbling so that I nearly fell off my stool. And seeing how smug she was at my instant intoxication made me all the more excited. I wanted to be alone with her. "Where's my room? ... Our room. Where's OUR room?"

Xena smiled as she leaned forward onto the table, clasping her hands as she just watched me make a fool of myself, I'm sure. Her smile was so enchanting that I visibly swooned. I could feel it happening, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Once again, she was entertained by my behavior.

"Come on," she said at last, saving me from further embarrassment as she ushered me upstairs. Thank the gods she took some pity on me.

Unfortunately, I didn't make things so easy on her. And by that, I mean I made things far too easy on her.

Even as we were outside of the room with a large star engraved in it, she turned to me, and I was leaning back against the wall, enticing her. She blinked for a moment, and then she cleared her throat.

"If it has two beds ... will you ssstill sleep in mine?" I giggled, feeling her hand close over my wrist to pull me into the room with her. I was thrilled until I realized it was just to keep others from staring or even leering at me. Men's voices could be heard from down the hall, and I'm sure that Xena didn't want any unnecessary trouble. Contrary to what others seemed to believe about her, Xena didn't enjoy trouble - it just happened to follow her wherever she went. Much like it did with me.

"Go to sleep, Gabrielle," she sighed, shaking her head as she slipped off her boots. I always loved to watch her do that, and I watched her then, too. I even moaned - much to my own surprise. "Gabrielle-" she started again, but once she saw the look in my eyes, she pointed to the bed. "Sleep in your clothes."

"But-"

"Do as I say."

Her voice aroused me like I hadn't realized before. It was so firm that I shyly walked over to the bed and dropped onto it, curling up to the edge. I think my actions told her just how intimidating she could be, although I wasn't scared, and she was quickly crawling onto the bed behind me. She touched my shoulder and leaned onto her side.

"Gabrielle? ... I'm ... I didn't mean it like that," she said, a little more fluidly than usual. I would assume that was from the relaxing effects of the drinks we'd shared just earlier, but I didn't even wonder in my drunken stupor. I just whimpered until she snuggled in close behind me.

"Can I touch myself?" I asked quietly, already moving my hand slowly down to my legs.

"No," she answered softly, taking both of my arms and holding them tightly to my chest. She told me we would sleep, and that I'd had too much to drink. I remember this, but not the words she used. She seemed much more vocal with the port she'd enjoyed. I only wish I could have handled myself better, to have the memory of that night in its entirety.

I didn't have the strength or the sense to argue with any of her reasoning, so I moaned quietly again and closed my eyes. I had no idea the torture it must have been for her.

I remember the feel of her hand on my back as I drifted off to sleep. She was like an angel, caring for me and keeping my best interests in mind - my mind wandering towardher interests and desires.

When I awoke the next morning, I felt groggy, exhausted and sore. My head was throbbing as everything came back to me, and I looked up to see Xena with some sort of bin she brought over to my side of the bed. "What are you doing?" I mumbled quietly, rubbing the sides of my head. "And why does it hurt so bad ...?"

In place of an answer, Xena smiled and touched my arm. "Feel alright?"

"No!" I scoffed, curling up in bed. "Uhhh ..."

She got to her feet - fully dressed already - and I watched as she made her way to the door. When she told me she would look around for some food to bring back, I was grateful that I would have some more rest. She could be so incredibly considerate.

It felt like days had passed when I opened my eyes again, not even feeling nauseous, but feeling stupid for drinking with Xena - as if I could match her behavior in any facet. I rubbed my head and felt my stomach growling, so I slowly headed downstairs to ask for some food.

The barmaid allowed me to put the food on Xena's tab, because she knew of the warrior's reputation, and she could see that I meant something to her. I thanked the woman and sat at a table by myself, eating in some much-needed peace when a loud group of men came pummeling in through the doors. I groaned with the noise, pulling attention to myself. I was stupid, but I wasn't thinking. I was simply frustrated with the after-effects of the port, and I was too hungry to even notice as they approached me.

"Mind if I ... sit?"

I didn't even look up from my plate, because it all tasted so good. I was starving and the feast before me held all of my attention. "No." I had meant 'No, I don't want you to sit here,' but by the time I realized my mistake, one of the boys was sitting beside me. And he did seem more like a boy than a man. He looked to be my age, maybe a little younger, but he was strong. I could see that in his build as I glanced over at him.

"So ..." he smiled, leaning forward as I ate my food. "You hungry?"

I nodded and ate even quicker as he ordered another plate for me. I thanked him, but I insisted I was okay - I didn't need him to buy anything for me. Of course, he was trying to bed me, but I couldn't see that. I was just hungry and hungover.

By the time I was working on the second plate, I'd decided that it would be rude to brush him off, so I let him sit with me. Him and his friends. They weren't such a terrible bunch, really, even if they did tease me. I don't think they really meant any harm.

"What is this?" Xena's voice startled me, and I turned to look back as I swallowed the remaining food in my mouth. I could hear all the men at my table go silent, as well as the other patrons. Xena's voice had a habit of booming over everyone else's.

"They ... were just eating with me," I answered, licking my fingers as I turned in my chair, "Why don't you come sit with us?"

She did not look impressed. As I think back to this, I find myself laughing at the image of Xena's face then. Gods, I was so naive. And stupid.

"Xena, we're just eating. They were telling me about all their travels," I pressed further, nodding along with my own claims as Xena stood and crossed her arms. She very much looked the part of the strong, protective warrior that she was.

"Oh. Were they?"

It didn't take her long to clear the table by intimidation, although she insisted she hadn't meant for that.

"I got caught up. I'm glad you ate," she said apologetically, looking over toward the bar to wave down the barmaid again for her own plate.

That was a nice lunch we shared, and I even asked Xena to come shopping around with me after. It wasn't a surprise to me when she declined, but I insisted I wanted to go. Interesting how courageous I became the more time I spent with her. Some would have thought me crazy for my insistence, I'm certain.

Sure enough, she finally agreed to come with me - staring down men who would glance me over. I caught her doing it a few times, but I slapped her arm, and insisted they hadn't been staring at all.

My favorite part of the experience was when I came across a strange little shop that appeared almost abandoned. After we'd stepped inside, Xena told me we were leaving. I was confused, looking around at all the strangely-shaped objects, but I wanted to stay. I insisted I wanted to look around, like many other times I had insisted my way with Xena, but this time was different. She grabbed onto my arm, and spun me around to look at her. She was serious. "Gabrielle, we're leaving."

Just as she spoke, a man came out from the back, where it seemed only darkness laid. He looked to both of us and showed his stained and crooked smile as he limped over. "Looking for ... something?"

His grin confused me, and I just looked up to Xena.

He was massaging both of his hands together, limping to his spot by a counter, grinning at Xena. "She has ... very interesting tastes, does she?"

That was when I realized what the objects looked like - I had spotted a phallic-looking knob, and I gasped. Xena's grip tightened on my arm, so I kept quiet, and I kept very close to her. I wanted to laugh and I wanted to ask questions; I didn't understand what it all meant. Why would someone buy carved, phallic ornaments? Again, I was naive.

Some were so large that I was confused, just looking out to the shop owner again, feeling incredibly uncomfortable before Xena pulled me behind her. "We were just leaving," she assured him, turning with me and doing just that.

The hilarity of my insistence had me laughing all the way back - also apologizing to Xena for dragging her into such a place. However, when we made our way back to our room at the inn, I became seriously curious.

"Xena? ... Why was he selling those things?"

"Why do you think?"

I should have known she wouldn't have explained it, but that also left me to offer my interpretations. And I wasn't learned in the matter, by any means.

"Umm ... is it to put over a man's ..."

"No."

I furrowed my brows and just looked at her. "Art then?"

She brought her hand to cover her face, trying not to smile, I could tell. And as she sat on the bed to take off her boots again, I jumped onto the bed from the other side, and kept pestering her until she finally snapped.

"It's for sex. Between two women, Gabrielle."

My eyes went wide as she turned onto her side away from me, and forced her eyes closed. She didn't want to confront the conversation - that much was clear.

"Did you ... buy anything?"

"Of course not!" she snapped again, looking incredulously at me. "You ... you were there." And with that, she turned over, trying to ignore her own confusion and frustration at my question and my endless curiosity. I think it confused her that I wasn't put off by the idea. "Gods, Gabrielle. Go to sleep."

I obeyed her in a shame which twisted in my stomach until later that night, when she snuggled up to me.

The cuddling wasn't like when she held me other times - the times I asked her to do it. In that moment, she pressed against me. Wanton. I could feel the heat within her as she moved her hands over my hips like I was something to be claimed. It lighted me with an excitement I had never known without her. Not with anyone else had felt that - I only melted for Xena.

I knew she could sense I was awake, but I think she also knew I wouldn't say a word. Maybe she was starting to understand I wanted her to touch me just as much as she wanted to do it.

But disappointment set in when she simply moved against me once, moaning in that rough way she does - as if a knife has just been plunged into her thigh. Maybe it was as terrible to have me so close, but to never really have me. I thought about that after, when she'd given up trying to take what she wanted. She'd fallen asleep behind me.

I curiously moved my hand over her arm, to settle on those callused fingers, rough especially against my own softer skin. My breath caught in my throat, just thinking of the power she exerted all the time - at the control she had in those agile fingers. A little smile prickled at my lips, wondering just what might happen if she lost her supreme self-control - even once. Really lost it.

My small touches roused her - I could feel it, but that didn't stop me. I too knew that she wouldn't make herself obvious, but I could tell she was waiting on my every movement. Her breaths were deeper, her hips a little tense.

"Oh, Xena ... if only you knew," I whispered, completely aware she was listening. If I continued on this confession I'd thought of so much, she WOULD know. My heart leapt up into my throat, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I wanted her to know. And maybe I wanted to tease her, too.

Her hand accidentally tensed at the situation, but she relaxed it just as quickly.

"How much I think about you ... That I'm not the same girl I was when I met you ..."

She'd stopped breathing entirely, and I was excited with bravery. I cuddled back against her a little further, gently kissing her hand. I'd never done it like that before, but I wanted her to think I had. Like I'd done it every night just that way.

"If only you could see that maybe you're not alone in ... well. Not that I'd have the courage to tell you that ..." I was whispering, but it felt like shouting in the way it affected us both so mercilessly.

I hoped she would breathe again soon, but I still couldn't help myself. It was all flowing out of me so quickly.

"That night ... The night you almost took me ... The way you kissed me ... I want to see that passion in you. I ... want to feel that passion in myself ... I've never let myself be that way. Oh, Xena. I wish you'd understand. I wish ... I wish you'd listen." I'd finished with teasing her. I really wanted her to listen, and to be present. I was relieved when she finally took a steady breath in and then let it out into my hair. In fact, it made me giggle, just as quietly as I'd been whispering. She had mistakenly tickled my neck in that way only she could. Unaware she'd even done it.

I breathed then, relaxed in her arms. "Oh, Xena. You hopeless warrior ..."

Did she want to tell me she'd been awake all the while? Would she? I held my breath too, just waiting, but she simply laid behind me in silence - probably waiting until I'd talked myself to sleep. She must have thought I was such a silly girl, but I didn't care. I was actually happy that I'd said all of those things, and that maybe she would see that we wanted the same things.

The next morning, I awoke to an empty bed. I sighed and laid on my back, finally making my way downstairs, fully dressed. Xena was nowhere in sight.

I was alone for much of that day, daring to venture out only once, when I was hassled, and then made my way sheepishly back. I ate and then lay back in bed, just waiting for her to come back.

It was dinner time when she arrived, panting and muddy from a vigorous run. It looked like she'd been surviving in the wild for a fortnight at least, and I immediately looked to her.

"... Xena?"

She didn't even speak one word of explanation. She simply took one look at me, and left once more.

The next time I saw her, it was very early the next morning. I'd fallen asleep waiting for her, and when I opened my eyes to hers, she was much calmer. The rage and fire in her eyes was gone, and she was clean. Her hair was a mess of tangles, but she was alright. My only concern was that she looked incredibly sad. She dragged her feet into the room when I focused on her.

Again, I asked the same thing - hoping for better results that time around. "Xena?"

She made eye contact with me, but didn't dare to answer. She just nodded in the morning darkness, and shuffled over to the bed, holding me just the way I liked. She was close and comforting - loving even. I smiled and decided not to ask questions. Wherever she'd been, she was back with me at last.

"Don't leave tonight, okay?" I requested, simple and true.

"Okay."

I wanted to moan at her strange obedience, when usually she would tease or do the opposite just because, but I kept that to myself. I snuggled back into her hold, back against her warm, clean flesh. And suddenly, I wanted to tease her again. Something about Xena drew me in, fulfilling a part of me I had never known about myself before. I found that I was absolutely a sexual being.

"Xeeena?"

She was quiet behind me, if only squeezing a little tighter, perhaps. "Go to sleep, Gabrielle."

"But-"

"Sleep."

I wriggled a bit first, and then I felt her arm close over my chest, keeping me still. I smiled and tried speaking with her again.

"But Xena, I-mmmf!"

She'd closed her other hand over my mouth, keeping me still against her. I tried not to act as surprised as I felt, or as excited. But slowly, I started struggling a little more. It was fun, annoying her to no end.

"Will you just be quiet?" she whispered with her usual frustration toward my teasing.

I was forgetting my silliness when something surprised me. Suddenly, I felt her hand drift down over my stomach, slipping under my shift.

"What you said the other night ... That was terrible. And it's not true."

I tried saying it was truer than she knew, but all my words were muffled by the strength of her hand, silencing me still.

"And I never want to hear that again. You don't know what you're saying."

Instead of trying to explain myself, I decided on something else. For once, I wanted to let my body speak for itself, feeling brave. Very slowly, I pushed my hips back, wet immediately at the thought of her touch. I just breathed, and didn't even attempt to speak. My actions were quickly affecting her.

"I don't know what you're trying to do, but stop it."

At her continued frustration, I gently hooked my leg over her hip and moaned. Let me just say that I could FEEL her desire in that moment. She grasped at my shift and whimpered into my ear. I'd never heard any noise quite like the almighty Xena shivering with want, and my desire was heightened because of it. I was warm between my legs, the throbbing almost painful in its early stages.

I moaned again, but that time it wasn't purposeful. She was exciting me, what little touch I could feel.

"Stop it," she whispered, but that time there was a general weakness to her voice. She could be so beautiful when she wanted to be. So vulnerable and yet so strong all at the same time. It sounded as if she was pleading with me to stop, but I could do no such thing.

I pushed my hips back again, this time more vulnerable because of my position. Her hand drifted down from my stomach and raked up all the way to the warmth of my inner thigh - up to the only garment I was wearing under my sleeping shift. I trembled in her hands, my mouth still covered. I was completely at her mercy, and I was shocked at my excitement by that. It actually made me physically hot, fire racing under my skin at her fingertips. Her knowing fingertips gently traced all the way up to feel how wet my garment was, and to know my shameful lust. I think she was surprised at just how desperate I had become.

I whimpered back to her, feeling her rough, warm fingers on my cheek. The palm of her left hand still pressed to my lips. And yet, I wasn't afraid. I was only more excited, rolling my hips in wait - it felt so natural, and yet I had never moved that way before. Never like that.

And then, without warning, she tugged down that simple garment, off the knee that was draped over her hip. I gasped with her hand still over my mouth as she moved the other up, up, up. All the way up between my legs so that I was moaning like a fool. I was crumbling in her hands, the feel of each finger holding me in ecstasy. Her soft, insistent touch melted all the reason left in me.

I had never been touched like that in all my life, and I all but purred for her. I thought I wouldn't survive the pleasure she could certainly deliver. And just when I thought I'd had the best she could offer me - that I knew pleasure in all its forms there in her arms - I came. I thought the entirety of her touch had been my climax, the oblivious young woman that I was. But when I had that first orgasm, I screamed into her hand. And I was thankful then that she'd silenced me.

By the time I came down from it, she was on all fours, pushing me down onto my back. Just when I thought I couldn't have been silenced any better, she spread my legs and went down on me. She licked and tasted me until I came again, melting under her tongue.

That time, I had to silence _myself_, finally looking up at her with tears in my eyes as she travelled back up my body, looking shyly away from me.

I hooked my legs around her hips and willed her to make eye contact. At last, she looked right at me, and that moment will forever be etched into my memory. I am confident that even when I am too old to remember my own name, I will still look back on that memory in perfect, splendid detail. Her eyes with their beauty.

"I shouldn't have," she mumbled quietly, taking more control when she saw the emotion in my eyes. When she saw just how flush and satisfied I was. She could finally see me as a woman. As more than a simple girl. She looked at me like she'd loved me her entire life. "Gabrielle ... please tell me you're alright."

"Xena ... Oh gods!" I whispered with a smile genuine enough to dissolve her concerns. "... Can we do that again?"

She looked down at me, suddenly melting with me, too.

"I wanna understand what you do with your tongue," I whispered more sensually, touching her lips, "So I can do it, too."

"Gabrielle ..."

"Please ..." I whispered, holding her close to me, trapping her there. "Teach me ... let me please you ... I wanna give that to you ... please."

But she was as strong as she ever was then, leaning down over me. She licked her lips and studied mine. Was she imagining what I could do? Wondering if I was capable?

"Xena ... please let me?"

"I can't, Gabrielle ..."

But I wouldn't give up - not when we had come so far. So I wriggled from underneath her, smiling as I rolled on top of her to press down onto that perfect body. I just gazed at her with all the love I felt, feeling the sides of her leather bodice with my hands.

"I can."

Gods, that look on her face just said it all. She wondered if I would. Well, I would teach her to never doubt me, I figured, as I playfully leaned closer to kiss the middle of her cleavage. Chuckling when Xena smiled.

"Gabrielle ... what're you doing?"

"Pleasing you."

She allowed it because she was truly happy there with me - I could feel it. "Oh, are you?"

"Don't tell me how, come to think of it," I smirked mischievously with the playful smile back on her lips, "I wanna figure it all out for myself ... I know you better than you think, Warrior ..."

"Is that right?" she smiled, trailing off in a whisper as my hand tugged at the leather to expose her left breast. I leaned in close to lick it. And as she sucked in a deep breath, she arched up to offer herself to me. What an offering it was.

"Don't worry ... I won't hurt you," I said quietly as a tease, then realizing how meaningful it was to her as the uncertainty in her eyes dissolved quite nicely. She looked up at me, and touched my face. It was like nothing else, and I could tell she was confused by her swarm of feelings too, but it was beautiful. "Let me kiss you ..." I whispered, sinking down on top of her to do just that.

With her lips busy on mine, I took that opportunity to touch and fondle her as I'd always wanted to. Her perfect abdomen, her arms, her sides, and her legs. My fingers exlored many areas of her soft and inviting flesh before finally meeting the small patch of curls between her legs. Excitedly, I moaned into our kiss.

The first gasp that escaped her was so feminine, I had to look down to make sure she hadn't transformed in some way. It was still her - she was still there beneath me.

I moaned and watched her react to my touch as my fingers slipped a little lower, venturing to feel if she would be quite as wet as I felt. She was just as drenched - her thighs parting as my fingers moved over her to find that clever opening. I wanted to feel what it would be like inside of her. Inside of a woman ... inside of Xena. The two seemed so utterly separate from each other. So specifically different.

"Gabrielle ..." she whispered, as my fingers had found their way into her at last. It seemed, with the way she squirmed and the sounds she made for me, that I could truly affect her.

My favorite part came as my kisses had made my way down her stomach - much to her surprise. She kept her legs opened for me, and she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen; all of her exposed, but none of her vulnerable. At least not from what I could tell.

As I licked her that first time, she was lost. It was the most incredible thing, to see her twisting and whimpering with pleasure as if she were just as human as anyone else.

"Gabrielle ..." she drawled so sincerely that I became invested all over again in her pleasure. I moved my tongue around on her, touching and licking until she came for me.

I wanted to tell her I loved her then, but my words just couldn't seem to find their way out. So I moaned instead as she finally relaxed there under me, and slowly I climbed up her muscular body to find comfort there.

It felt as though we could finally breathe, sharing the same warmth and silence in understanding.

"Xena ..."

She stroked my hair and my back, but she didn't say a thing. We fell asleep that way, just close enough to hear each other's heartbeat. I don't know if she was listening to mine - or if she could feel it - but I was listening to hers.

When I woke up the next morning, I was on my side and she was behind me. I smiled and stretched, feeling one of her hands cup my breasts while the other veered down between my thighs. And that was when I realized she hadn't been inside of me the night before. I blushed and enjoyed the way her fingers could tease my flesh.

Her touch burned and soothed me all at once.

"Xena ... the other day ... two days ago ...?"

"I was helping. I went out and fought, Gabrielle."

"But you didn't speak to me."

"Maybe if you're really good ..." she started in a coy a fashion as she had ever spoken to me. "Maybe then I'll talk."

I wanted to laugh, but all that would come out was a hearty moan, resting deep in the back of my throat. "Mmm ... oh, is that how it's gonna work?"

"Spread your legs and we'll see."

I felt tingles all over with the way she could talk that way to me. With the pleasure of it! I couldn't believe how excited she could make me with one simple phrase, but I gladly lifted my leg over her hip and invited her touch. "Yes ... Please ...?"

She had me just where she wanted me - something I hadn't seen happening until it already did. Even two days later, when we headed out on our own again, she had me where she wanted me still. Whenever, wherever, however. I was always willing - as desperate as that sounds.

The way she would touch me gave new meaning to touch altogether. Her hands possessed my very soul.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

While sitting by the fire one evening, she glanced over the crackling glow, toward me, and I felt the power of her stare. Usually she could watch me without my knowing it - only noticing as I might catch her by chance - but there were also times that she meant for me to feel it. And as I did feel it, I lifted my eyes to watch her. To watch that straight face trained on mine. Those eyes I knew so well. Those lips tightened together with the tension built between us.

She was upset because we had argued just earlier, and I was beginning to see that she hadn't fought verbally much in her life at all. She seemed frustrated quickly, as if her words would only betray her. And maybe they would, as she was a woman of so few.

So I watched her looking at me, and I finally spoke.

"Tell me why you're upset with me."

"I'm not."

As I watched her more carefully, I saw that maybe it was true. Maybe she wanted me to see that my feelings were simply reflected on her. I was still upset, I quickly realized, but was she? Maybe not.

"Xena ... Why don't you trust me to do anything?"

"I trust you."

I let out a deep sigh, trying to let go of my anger for the argument we'd had. She'd been disallowing me to go and find something for us to eat. Disallowing me to go anywhere on my own. How dare she command me that way! I was a grown woman, and she my lover. It irritated me to no end, but I ran my hands over my face and looked up at her again. The flames from her perfect fire illuminated her features from below as they often could with such grace.

"Xena ..."

"Gabrielle," she interrupted, "This world ... is cruel. I've trained myself to withstand it ... Don't think I want that for you."

"And what if I want that? - I get no say in what I do, I suppose?"

"Don't make me angry, Gabrielle. I'm trying to protect you."

She had learned to speak more openly with me - and just more, too, I suppose. And as I was proud of her, I was also annoyed. Annoyed that she was right.

All she had meant to do was protect me, I knew that. And when I realized what irked me so, I settled my shoulders a little, and got up to walk over to her. But she quickly looked down, not allowing me to see into her eyes.

I could be so insensitive at times, knowing how she cared for me, and willing to throw myself into danger for the experience of it all. She loved me so much - even unspoken, I knew that - and I knew that she often betrayed her own sense of emotionless conversation.

"Xena, I love you," I said quietly, finally standing just behind her to bend and rest my hands on her shoulders. Those tense, strong shoulders that I loved to relax whenever I could. But she grew tenser with my touch that night, trying to deny the effect my hands could have on her. Trying to deny that she loved me, too.

As I confessed my love to her, I felt lighted with the honesty and overwhelming sensation I had declared. She, in return, said nothing, but I ignored her silence. I knew what she felt, even if she couldn't say it then. She was turned away, but I was glad I'd told her how I felt.

"Xena ... I know how hard this all is on you ... I know you're trying to express yourself with me ..." I pressed my fingers onto her flesh, igniting something I hadn't meant to rekindle, and yet it was there. Like the crackling fire before us, I felt her come to life under my hands. "Does this feel good?"

In retrospect, I should have expected the reaction that came to me, but at the time, I was simply curious. I hadn't meant for such a sexual implication to my tone of voice. I wanted her to speak with me.

In return, she caught my slight wrist, and faced me as she stood, to take my face in her hands.

Sometimes she couldn't stand my soft touch, as she'd told me before. It struck her like nothing else - the sensual drive behind it. The intimacy rattled her.

Completely surprised and turning to take in some air, I gasped again as she had backed me up against the nearest tree. It was rough against the skin by the base of my neck, scratching but not altogether unpleasant. I moaned confusedly, feeling her much stronger hands drift down to my hips, then holding my face still as she kissed me again. Deeper.

I struggled against her the way I often did playfully, when she was rough with me because she enjoyed it. I could see that fire in her eyes, but she usually just tried to keep it a game with me. The way I felt, however, was just as libidinous. It was instinct and it was enticing.

At times she would become alarmed that she might hurt me, but not that night. It only drove her strength and determination to have me. And I wanted her to have me. She still hadn't plunged her fingers inside of me like I'd been dreaming about, but I couldn't simply come out and ask her to do it. The idea seemed to trouble her, so I said nothing then, too. I pushed against her as she pulled, and of course she succeeded me.

Even knowing the aggression running through her, I slipped my tongue between her lips, moaning when she bit gently down on it. Was it a warning of her loss of control? I couldn't be sure. I also didn't care.

"Xena-" I whimpered as she'd moved her lips to my neck, choking out my words as roughly as my breath was coming to me. I had my hands on her shoulders, her musculature fully flexed as she pinned me to that tree. And yet the discomfort was nothing to the raging sexual hunger she lighted in me. I was hers. All parts of me were for her taking.

She said nothing because she needed nothing. She held me there and kissed me. She could make me as weak without her words as I made her with mine.

Her leg was pinned between mine just before her hand drifted up to touch me, although it was softer than anything else. Even in her lusty haze, she kept in mind that she'd never entered me before, and she wouldn't have done it carelessly. But she rubbed me and touched me and teased me until I was a quivering mess, finally sinking to her knees where she kept my legs apart to eat me out.

It gives me tingles even now to use the phrase that she always loved. Eat me out. It always seemed more accurate an explanation for what she did to me in moods like that. Licking was too soft a thing for her satisfying hunger.

I came twice before she let me out of her grasp. I teasingly crawled toward the darkness when she grabbed hold of my ankle and pulled me back to her. I laughed in my own subtle way as she turned me over and lifted my shift up again to kiss and knead my breasts. She was gentler with the change in mood, even guilty when she saw some of the red marks at the top of my back.

At last, we went down to the river together, and she held me there, immersing me in the chilled water - both of us naked. She had to restrain herself, even for as long as she'd already been loving me, but my body reacted to the cold in ways that were hard for her to ignore. She held me closer, walking deeper so that the ends of our hair were wet. And with a smile I could feel on her, she slowly sank both of us down, into it. Under the surface, into the darkness.

My legs were wrapped around her already, floating in the water where no one could see - my hair coming up fluidly around the sides of my face. Taking its time as if time could be maneuvered as such.

Opening my eyes slowly to see the darkness of her hair, it was as if those dark tangled tresses swallowed her features whole. The moon was just light enough to give me small, blurred glimpses of her face as her hair was pulled aside. The clear cerulean frame around us bubbled and swirled, but never minded our visit. It felt as if we were sirens as others have so strangely recalled them as half-women and half-fish. We were immersed. We were natural and free.

As Xena reached closer within our private escape, she kissed me in the cold, dark river. Each of us was buoyant and floating to the surface again in each other's embrace. Her hands were softly fixed on me, keeping me safe.

It always felt so nice to lose myself with her.

When we surfaced again for breath, my hair had spilled all down my face - hers somehow slicked back perfectly, her smile slowly tugging at her lips as the water rippled around us.

Then suddenly, her attention was pulled, and she was looking out into the bush on the other side of the river. I was losing her to her instincts. Was there danger near to us? I tucked myself in closer, suddenly realizing just how cold the water surrounding us was, and how naked we were. I enjoyed her body heat in the dark night, even with danger taunting us. Still, I was lost with her.

Could she ever just be lost with me?

Or maybe that was too dangerous. We would be vulnerable.

She let me go as she swam curtly to the other side of the river, picking herself up, out of it to listen with her feet crunching on the rough leaves - not caring who might listen. It was them in danger now, not her. Xena was viscious when provoked, and anyone who knew of her would never do such a thing purposely.

I, however, stood a little closer to the other side of the shore, watching her move and pause in the pale light from above. I could see the way her body shone, the water falling from her hair like a curtain, like a bath - washing away her fears. Although she never seemed to have any in the first place.

The tenseness of the night air dissolved as she finally turned back to me, and headed into the water again. If anything threatening was out there, she would have gone after it, in all of her beautiful naked glory - childish in a sense - and been rid of danger's hold on her. But she was coming back to me, sending the water to ripple toward me.

I shivered at the sight, and also the cold as her heat came surging back to me. As she picked me up again and looked into my eyes, she stared into me in that way that only she could.

"I love you," I said quietly, like it was the first time again.

She twisted my long hair in one hand, bringing it gently over my shoulder. Her eyes could glow when she let them, spilling her soul. Telling me she felt just as deeply, and speaking through silence, as she often preferred.

"Are we safe?" I asked in a gentle whisper, as if I were concerned at all when I was in her arms.

She walked out, catching my wrist to bring me with her as the cool breeze gave me another shiver.

"Yes," she answered obviously, bringing me over to our small pile of clothes. There, she dried me with hers before dressing me in mine.

She was often more comfortable naked anyway, and her heat always seemed invincible.

We laid together, the perfection of that night haunting us both - even in sleep - to see that love could be so beautiful. How had we come so far? And when?

That night, I dreamed of a life without the danger. I cooked for her, and cleaned for her and fought for her, and all she did was nothing. She didn't need to be anything, because I loved her and I wanted to care for her. In my dreams, I let her relax and I took away her pain; whatever pain it was that hid behind her eyes secretly from time-to-time. And in doing that, I also relaxed myself.

I woke up warm, but lonely. Looking around.

"Xena? ... Xena?"

I heard some thumps of sound, and hurriedly scurried to my feet, dressed only in the loose shift she'd put on me the night before. I raced over toward the sound to find her still nude - strangling the last combatant who slowly went lifeless in her arms.

I could hardly breathe - each violent scene I'd ever witnessed shaking me. I was never used to it, and I knew I never really would be. Did I want to become accustomed to such things?

"Go back to bed," she huffed, standing as the last body fell, looking around to the three who had intruded. She was panting, so I knew it hadn't been easy. Was I so deep a sleeper I hadn't even heard it? Or was she being considerate - taking more energy to shield me from having to see it? I couldn't believe how sensitive she was with me. That she cared so much, translating it all with that perplexed look on her face.

"... Are ... you okay?" I asked, but that question was a joke in itself.

She straightened up and headed back over towards me. "We were heading out this morning anyway. Let's get packed."

So we packed and left.

I started walking, but it was only two days' travelling time when my legs started to give out on me. I liked to pride myself on my ability to walk while Xena rode slowly on her perfect horse, but it was on the third day that she slipped down from Argo, and stood before me.

"Gabrielle."

"... Xena ..."

Some days I could have sworn she wanted to spank me, that gentle smirk tugging away at her lips, although she tried smothering it. She just looked at me pointedly then, with the reins in her hand as we stood before one another.

"You're not walking anymore. You'll hurt your legs."

"I will not." I could be so stubborn, the pain shooting up my thighs, my feet already numb. But I didn't want her to see me as something to care for. I wanted to be strong of my own volition. And yet, I stood so weakly before her. "I'm fine. We're almost there, aren't we?"

"There's another day's ride. Another day that you won't last on your feet." She was much more fluent with words when she knew she was right.

"That's what you'd like to think," I insisted, pushing past her to make as straight a line as I could with all the pain fresh in my mind. I had been able to push it away before, but knowing she was watching my careful steps, I knew she could see my pain. I was wincing openly, because she couldn't see my expression. It hurt so badly.

"Gabrielle."

Suddenly the commanding voice halted me, frightening me for a moment. She had a voice that could do that.

"If you hurt your legs, you'll be riding a lot longer than one day. Understand?" She watched me, but I didn't move. I stood strong, even for a warrior of her standards. Her pride came through in her voice. "You've been walking a long while. Too long, Gabrielle. Come back to me. We'll ride together."

I shifted on my legs, suddenly wishing she would simply sweep me into her arms, and give me no choice in the matter.

"You would make a fine soldier recruit, but I'm not looking for that. I'm telling you to come here, and I expect you to do it."

I didn't understand the reason for the tingle that shot up my back when she said that, but it was nice. I probably should have been upset with the way she was talking to me, but a smile found its way to my lips, and I just looked to the ground, wondering what she would do next. What would she say? Had this become a game between us? Did Xena even play games?

"I'll walk," I answered just as cheekily as I felt, moving forward as I felt her approach from behind.

"You'll ride."

"I said I'll walk. I can walk," I insisted, walking just a little bit quicker when I heard her heavy steps closing in on me. Gods, she was quick.

"You will ride willingly ... Or I'll throw you up there, over my lap," she muttered, catching up to me just as I took off in a sprint, laughing over my shoulder at her. Lighted with courage and nerve - arousal in its more subconscious stages.

She let me run for a few seconds before putting any real effort into catching me - I could tell. And when she did catch me, she grabbed my arm first, and then took my hair into her fist and tugged it closer. Pulling me as closely as she could, with my back to her chest. She roamed her free hand down into my shift and roughly pinched my nipple.

Either she knew how excited I was, or was determined to make it so. I moaned at the touch, whimpering when she released it at last. She was being gentle, but it was rough to my sensitive breasts. Oh, the things she could do to me. I shivered, thinking of what might be next.

"Now ... get up on that horse, or you'll be sorry."

I don't know how to properly explain my next actions, except for instinct. I suppose I was curious. I was certainly excited.

Just as she'd released me to watch my obedience to her, I bolted again. It took all of one second for her to catch me and to lift me up, onto Argo. I first tried pushing myself back to the ground, but she was already astride the horse with me draped there before her. In her lap, under her thorough scrutiny.

She held me up in my spot, bent at the waist, my hands hanging down, my legs just the same. The blood rushing to my head as I felt her legs snuggly against my sides. My chin just touching above her knee.

And off we went, my libido soaring off in all directions. Leaving me entirely confused.

I think she could sense my desire to be spoken to and handled that way, but no matter, she didn't satisfy those urges. She simply rode with me there, keeping one hand down on my back if I tried getting up. I knew it was no use. And I enjoyed the position far too much to escape with any real effort.

When I could feel her stare on my backside, I shifted in my spot.

I wore a skirt down to my knees that I had found in an old shop. On one of our journeys into a village on the outskirts of Athens, I'd seen it in all of its affordable beauty, and Xena had bought it for me. Never once daring to mention that she enjoyed seeing me in it almost as much as I liked the fashion of the deep earthy browns and stripes of ruby red. And she was enjoying that view as she looked down to me then, licking her lips, I was sure. Oh, the sight I was offering to her had me excited all over again, shifting hungrily.

I could feel the rush of blood to my head, but ignored it. I breathed heavily, moaning accidentally from time-to-time until she addressed me at last.

"It's better this way."

"Oh, is it?" I mumbled back, a part of me painfully frustrated with my own desire.

"Your legs need a rest."

"I should think I'm capable of sitting." It was one of the few times I showed her any attitude, and the implications of that seemed to set off a similar playful attitude in her, too.

"Well. This is for me."

I would have laughed had I not been throbbing with the wait of it all. She would have me - she had to have that in mind, but when? How? I was shaking with the suspense of it. Needing it.

Some time passed before I had the strength or sense to respond: "... What is? ... For you, I mean."

She let one hand fall to my back again, drifting down over my behind. Settling there, it squeezed my tender flesh through the fabric of my skirt.

I moaned.

"This," she answered, her eyes on the road ahead, I was sure. She couldn't afford to be so distracted while we were in plain view of others who might have taken advantage of that.

Would she take advantage of me? ... I hoped so. Was that wrong? Is it? I blush even in thinking back to that, to all of those feelings.

"Don't move," she said, as strictly as she'd said my name before. Wandering her hand up from the back of my knee. Up, up, under my skirt.

I moaned as I spread my legs as subtly as possible, enjoying the way her fingers could so easily find their way in between. Oh, how I wanted them inside of me. I thought that the gentle movements of my hips might some day coax them into me.

"Xena ..." I moaned fully, not caring who heard me.

Her thumb smoothed over the top of my thigh, just teasing me with it. Feeling the heat my body was creating. "You surprise me, Gabrielle."

My sexual appetite was growing by the moment. All of me ready. All of me willing. "Please ..." She knew I wanted her fingers inside of me, but she wasn't only teasing me. I knew there was a reason she withheld.

"I only wish I could ... but you ran from me," she smirked. "So you'll pay for that."

"Nooo," I groaned, shifting again with frustration. Knowing she would make me wait for how mischievous I'd purposefully been.

But gods was it ever heavenly once I'd finally seduced her myself.

It wasn't long before my squirming and moaning took its effect on her, drawing her touch to my body. And making her so desperate for me that she stopped and pulled me to the ground with her, kissing me and pinning me underneath her. I gave all of myself to her, like I always did.

And she pleased me in return.

"Now are we done being insolent?" she asked, getting to her feet and offering me her hand. The look in her eyes told me she was all done playing games, so I smiled shyly up at her, telling her without words that I, too, was done. "Come on."

I went with her to Argo - the only horse I could stand to ride, in fact - and I let her pull me up behind her. I sat flush against her back, my chest pressed tightly to it.

We rode together for so long, being that I wasn't used to it, that my thighs were sore. It must have only been a part of the afternoon, but I knew to mention my discomfort to her after my stunt with the lengthy walk. So I rested my chin on her shoulder and spoke almost directly to her ear.

"Xena ...?"

"Yes?" she asked, as if she knew exactly what I would tell her. Looking back on it, I'm sure she did. She would have felt my movements riddled with tenseness.

"I ... am really sore," I confessed, feeling infantile for mentioning something so small to a woman of her ability and stature. "I'm sorry."

"You need to tell me these things," she lectured, not even knowing she was doing it, I'm sure. "For when I'm not able to see it for myself."

"Okay," I agreed glumly, as she finally slowed Argo to a halt, and somehow slipped off herself to look up at me.

"Come," she instructed, offering me both of her hands.

Was she going to lift me off of her horse? No - it couldn't be. Lift me? Why was that necessary? Was she trying to make me feel weak and incapable?

"Easier on your legs," she explained, as I finally leaned down and winced as she helped me down to the grass. "This is a good spot to rest. And I'm feeling tired anyway."

"I'm a good excuse, aren't I?" I teased, catching that little smirk on her face.

"You're a good lot of things, but an excuse isn't one of them."

I immediately got down to the ground, laying on my back with my knees slightly bent, my toes pointing inward to hold the position. Legs apart, because the pain was biting. I hated to ride, and when I did, I couldn't take much of it at once.

"Stay there," she instructed, walking down to a drop-off as I simply closed my eyes and breathed in the sweetness of the air. It somehow smelled better from down there, all by myself. Dreaming.

When she came back, I saw her upside down, and then closed my eyes again, ignoring her movements around me. She sure could be clumsy when she wanted to be.

"Whoa!" I gasped, looking up as I felt something cold on my leg, opening my eyes to hers. She was sitting on her knees, right in front of me, her hands on my legs.

"Sorry. This will help."

"You could have warned me!" I chuckled momentarily, dropping my head back again as she brought the wetted fabric in her hands to one thigh, and then the other - massaging me gently. It was cool and tender, and it started to feel nice when I was past the surprise of it all. Her hands were so wonderful.

She was a peaceful creature, by nature. I could feel it there, in her care. So unfortunate was the influence she'd seen - the life she'd been given in return. She deserved so much more.

And thinking all of this, she caught the look in my eyes. She smiled at it. "What're you thinking?"

"Of you."

She rubbed a little gentler. "Is that right?"

"Can we ... rest here for a little longer than you planned?"

The laughter in her voice lighted my spirits. She could be so joyful when she wanted to be, too. "And how would you know what I had planned?"

I watched her as she let her gaze inch a little further up my thigh.

"I ... don't think we can right now ..." I whispered, letting her know she'd been caught. But it wasn't she who blushed - I turned a lovely shade of pink at the look I discovered in return.

She just smirked back, becoming more serious as she grew concerned. "Does it really hurt so bad?"

I knew it was time to put her heart at ease, so I smiled kindly back at her. "Not so bad. It's okay."

But that night? She rubbed my back until I fell asleep, and she had food ready for me the next morning.

I learned quickly that it was easy for her to show her care for others, but that it was almost impossible to care for the warrior princess herself. She was as stubborn as I, but less forgiving about it, and tougher than anyone I'd ever seen. She was downright resistant to tenderness at most times.

When she broke two ribs just weeks later, she went to a healer in a nearby city, but insisted we keep on to the next place. I ran in to speak with the healer when she wasn't looking, and pleaded with him to have some sense - that she needed rest - and he just stared blankly back at me. He said he'd insisted she be bed-ridden for the next five days.

She wasn't too happy I'd figured that out.

Of course, once I had, she knew I would worry and question her constantly, so we made a compromise. We would stay at the inn there for two nights, and she would rest "as best she could," and then we were off.

During the day, I couldn't restrict her movements much, but at night I had a lot of leeway. Of course, it probably helped my case that we slept together in one bed, and that she liked for me to touch her.

I was happy then, because as she was confined to a small area, I could move around and kiss down her body to lick her for hours, and she never once was able to reciprocate. She pleaded with me, but I would giggle and moan that I was enjoying exactly what I was doing - thank you very much.

While she came for me over and over, she also yearned to please me. There was something about giving me pleasure that just drove her like nothing else. I found this out after she had properly healed a week later, when moving and twisting didn't cause her so much pain.

At last, she had me again just the way she liked. And I must say that if you've had that sort of satisfaction before, you don't fight its return. I embraced it, allowing myself to be completely weak to complement her strength, just the way she likes it - with her on top.

I was certain of this, at least, until she panted down to me after our lengthy session: "Gab ... rielle ... the other night ..."

"Y ... yes?" I breathed back, comfortable with her leaning over me, both of us breathing the same night air. The ground as comfortable as ever.

"When you ... had me ... you know ..."

She had recovered from exhaustion so quickly, and yet still I was a huffing, puffing mess. I sat up and looked at her, a very slow grin pulling at my lips. "When I was ... in control?"

"Don't go making something out of this ... but, I liked it."

"Well no wonder you let me have you so many nights," I smiled, quickly turning so that she laid on her back, and I leaned on top of her aching body. "So ... you like a woman who can take charge?"

She smiled a little back at me, but I could tell the subject was sensitive for her, so I didn't press it any further. I just leaned down, kissed her, and pinned her wrists up by her head just like she had done to me so many times. And a Xena surrendered was a beautiful sight.

"You like this?"

She only nodded, the lust in her eyes more answer than I needed.

I very gently moved my legs in between her own, feeling the strength in her arms settle under my own efforts. Feeling her do her best to relax under my control - as if I really felt I physically had anything over her.

"You're so beautiful," I whispered, although she seemed frustrated by that. So I let a little smile sneak through. "Beautiful and _mine_."

She couldn't help her own smile at my possessive language, and I knew right then that this would be interesting. What would she give to me? Surely not all of herself - not the troubled parts that she hid from even herself. I was skeptical.

"All mine," I purred, lowering my breasts down onto hers. I could feel them press together, watching the look of genuine curiosity in her eyes. And I could tell in that moment that she'd never let anyone have that sort of control over her before. She trusted only me.

"What're you doing?" she asked slowly and cautiously, just staring into my eyes. Waiting for me to realize it wasn't a question, but a statement. I was doing this to her.

I held her a little tighter, as if that would have made any difference. Both of us knew my strength was laughable next to hers. But I gripped my fingers around her still-feminine wrists, and made my statement to her physically. I knew exactly what I was doing. Or at least, I thought I did.

"Don't move," I whispered, surprising even myself.

She just looked at me, waiting. She had so much confidence in me that it was shocking, but I leaned in just the same, and kissed her. I used my tongue, feeling her body respond to me. It was much like playing a beautiful instrument. Every chord, every strum, she was mine.

Her muscles gave way to my commands, turning or kissing as I commanded her to do it. She was mine - all mine - and that feeling had me soaring with desire for a long while after our rigorous session together.

The cold air bit at my swollen lips, pronouncing the sheet of sweat covering my entire body.

We laid together, exhausted and still enticed, but silent. I followed her lead in that respect, somehow understanding her sensitivity on the matter.

"I can't believe you could do that," she said quietly, at last.

I wasn't offended because I knew exactly how she meant it - she was simply being honest. She had no idea of what I might be able to do, in that respect. And I was glad to have surprised her. Proud to have impressed her, too.

My smile widened from ear-to-ear, but I said nothing then. I simply snuggled closer to her, glad to feel that powerful arm supporting the arch of my back.

And when I brought my hand to curl up against my lips, I could still smell her. I smiled as I took one finger subtly into my mouth, tasting her again.

I can't explain it, but I could feel that she knew what I was doing then. Still, she said nothing. She simply relaxed with me, and we laid in the grass that way together. Naked and free.


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4

Everything was so balanced. I remember feeling balanced - even as the wind blew my hair over my left shoulder, it would ignore the right. When I would look to Xena, she would look right back at me. It was as if she could sense my voice calling to her, even in silence. We were close with one another in a way I had never known existed, much less have it be so readily attainable to me. I had never held such happiness.

"I have to go."

It felt as sudden as that to me - Xena's words digging into my carelessness. I looked at her for a long moment in that tavern off the side of the dirt road, staring at her. Because we had been so close in such a short time, every look in her eyes was easy. I could read her always.

At last, I picked my nerve up off the floor, and straightened my shoulders. "Why?" I knew she meant to leave me.

"I just have to." She had somewhere important to be. Something she didn't think I would understand.

But I was quick to counter: "When will you be back?"

To any other patron, I'm sure that the conversation on its face seemed simple enough. Xena could have been going for supplies for all they knew. But I felt her intention in the way she looked at me. Her desires tangled through me like thread into fabric, somehow destined to fit together. She looked angry, but she wasn't angry with me. She ordered a drink before she answered me, holding it up to take a large gulp to give herself some time to think, I'm sure. She always said I was the one who could use the power of words. And I always felt honored at her acknowledgement.

"Gabrielle ... I have something I've gotta do."

"Take me with you ..." But I could see she wouldn't. And having known her so deeply, I wasn't about to plead with her. As much as I may have wanted to drop to my knees and beg her to stay, I felt we were beyond that. So I just laid my hand on her arm as we leaned onto the bar. As her eyes told me she was sorry. "Xena ..."

My eyes swelled with tears, but no matter how my emotions affected me, they wouldn't change her mind. In this cold state she was in, very little could persuade her. I'd found that nothing seemed to work in my short time with her, seemingly eternal. My bond to her more elaborate than fantasies of the mind.

"When are you coming back?"

That time she heard it as I meant it: ARE you coming back?

She sighed, and my lip trembled, but I wouldn't let myself cry. I didn't even cry as she left me at a reasonable enough little village - more warmth than I had seen at the last place she dropped me. And with all the weakness I felt as she simply took off, I used the small coins she'd tucked into my little bag and rented myself a bed in a kind family's humble home.

It took me weeks, fighting the urge to chase Xena, but I had to be strong. I told myself that was most important of all as my mind reeled back to those last few moments with her - that beautiful black mane of hair whipping over her shoulder as she slowed the horse with a simple tug at the reins. "We're here," she'd said. "This place will be good for you. I want you to stay." I don't know how to explain it, but I felt comforted by her words. And in my emptiness at that village, the small comfort of Xena's last touch to my hand did wonders for me on cold nights. When I was crying, I would imagine her there beside me, sharpening her sword or undressing in that casual way she always managed to do. I would think of her hand innocently on my shoulder, telling me she would be there. And then I would cry all over again because she wasn't.

Months went by - making her time away longer than the time I'd shared with Xena altogether - and I'd begun earning my keep by helping with chores on the little farm at which I was staying. I knew the routine, and I'd started getting along with the people in that small community. One day, in that same old field, I began to smile again.

It had been Mikel's fault, as he slapped his knee and pulled a face. He was watching me with my yard work as the sun was setting, because he insisted it wasn't safe for a lady to be out alone. He was entertaining me as I worked, and he finally had me laughing. I actually had to drop the pitchfork and chase after him for distracting me, but noise from inside the house reminded us that there was still work to be done, so he kept his hands in his pockets, and I kept mine on my work.

He liked me. I could see that he liked me then, and I must admit that I took a liking to him over the next few weeks, but it just didn't seem to compare with what I'd had with Xena. I wondered if that was sincerity, or if I was simply idealizing my time with the legendary warrior - the woman behind the name. I began forcibly putting her at the back of my mind as I worked, thinking instead of magical tales and lands I'd never seen. It started me into writing, which I thought I could never try, but Mikel assured me I should. He even gave me two scrolls and a quill for my birthday once he'd realized it was soon approaching. I was thankful and I was glad, but still something was missing. No matter how well I could forget, I was still left with a small amount of emptiness.

"Quick - into the house!" Mikel yelled to me as his father had yelled to him. All around the small community, I heard people calling their children and partners indoors, and my eyebrows frowned as I looked out down the road each way. What was going on? "Into the house," Mikel said again, waving his arms as I finally laid down the bag of seeds I'd been carrying, and jogged over to the house. Everyone seemed to be in a panic, closing their doors and propping chairs up against them.

After everyone had gone silent at last, I asked loudly: "What is it?"

"It's not a WHAT," Mikel was quick to assure me, "It's a WHO."

"Don't be so sure of that," his mother mumbled under her breath, holding her children as they hurried into one of the small rooms off the kitchen. I looked with confusion to Mikel, and then his father.

"Then WHO is it?"

"We don't even know for sure who it is," Mikel insisted, and then suddenly a bell chimed loud enough for us all to hear, and everyone let out their breath. "Well ... whoever it was, they're gone now. We're safe."

"Who WAS it then?" I asked, but everyone seemed to have moved on, and couldn't seem to be bothered with my line of questioning. I just shrugged and went back out to work, spreading the seeds out in the yard.

I found that I'd really taken to gardening in my time at the farm. It required a lot of patience and hard work, but it paid off in full, and the work was quiet. I had most of my day to think about and sort the stories that came to life within my imagination. I even hummed as I worked, slouching, spilling some seeds, checking the soil.

"The humming's new."

I whipped around, and there stood Xena in all of her rightful glory. Xena! Had she come back for me? Of course, she had. Her arms looked purple under the skin, and her legs like they'd seen better days, but her face had suffered no hardships since we'd parted. How did she always manage that?

"And the silence," she said, trying her best at a simple smile when there was so much more behind it. "You're ... well." I could tell it was strange for her, being the talkative one for a change.

I liked this uncertain side to her, I must say. It was nice seeing her a little vulnerable for once, looking to me for answers. ME - of all people. It was almost as if I were a wise old man, and she the girl seeking my advice. I piled one arm on top of the other, over my head. I stretched as I kept my eyes on her, telling of my confusion and my disappointment.

"Gabrielle ... I had to leave."

I was sad that she felt any part of this was okay, but honestly, I just wanted to leap into her arms and kiss her face. I needed her, but I didn't want to show her she could treat me that way. Still, seeming a little standoffish was always a risk with Xena. She wasn't adept at reading social cues, so I just looked at her, sensing the other set of eyes on me in the moments past. Mikel was watching, and I knew Xena could see that, but she didn't know how I felt for him. I didn't even know how I felt for him. It wasn't enough, whatever it was, but I wasn't about to break his heart so carelessly.

"It was dangerous ... I ..." She hadn't known if she would make it through. I looked at her and I saw that, but why hadn't she just told me that to begin with?

You would have followed me. That was the expression I read on that perfect face of hers, and I finally let a little smile fall onto mine. Even as best as I had tried to be straight with her, my love for her gave me away. I had missed her so terribly.

"Still ... I ..."

"-You should have talked with me."

Xena shifted from her right foot to her left, arms clasped behind her back, as if she were addressing a General at battle. I stood to my full height - albeit, much shorter than hers - and held all the confidence to fill her wildest expectations.

"Gabrielle?!"

We both turned to Mikel, who finally jogged his way over to us - surprising both Xena and myself as he pulled me by the arm, and took me back toward the house with him. I almost wanted to laugh as I looked over my shoulder to see that Xena was gone. This wouldn't be good. "Wait - wait, Mikel ... hold on. We were just talking-"

His tugging got a little rougher, and I noticed that he was much stronger than he seemed. He was such a gentle man I had never figured. I knew Xena wouldn't be too happy about the way he was dragging me into the house by my arm, but I couldn't seem to warn him in time. As I stumbled in next to him, we both stopped to see that Xena stood in the centre of the kitchen with her arms crossed. She looked so patient, but I knew those eyes.

"That's the monster!" Mikel shouted angrily, pointing and blaming. Of course, I hadn't known all the bad Xena had done in her past as I stood before her there, but none of that mattered to me. We had become so close, and with all the time we'd been together and loved one another, we were friends at the very least. No matter what, I was close with her, and I felt pity for her then as Mikel shielded me from her with his body. "No, Gabrielle! I can't see you hurt!"

I jumped out from the grasp around my arm, and put both hands out as I darted between Xena and the small crowding family. "Mikel - wait. Everyone ... just let me explain."

Through the gasps and pleas that I step away from "the monster," I finally told them how she'd saved me, and how we had become friends. My story-telling transferred to the spoken word, and I greatly enjoyed captivating them so. Within the span of my rather short yet still descriptive tale, I told them that I could leave with her, if that was what they wanted, or they could see it for themselves if Xena stayed a while. I turned back toward Xena with a very knowing and expectant look. "I'm sure she would stay."

She relented with a little shrug, surely surprised at her own easy agreement.

I let Xena think she had to make it up to me, to be with me again. I can't really explain the way I'd felt so desperate before, and yet after my time at the farm, I felt that she had to gain my companionship back. It simply just WAS, and Xena seemed eager to do it. She wasn't exactly happy about it, but she could put on a pseudo-smile with the best of them.

It had taken two days for everyone to stop gasping and jumping every time she stepped into the room, although people were walking by the house and openly staring at the way Xena worked with me in the yard. I'm sure it baffled them that she was merely human, and less than evil at all times, but I don't think she much enjoyed them seeing her that way.

"You'll ruin my reputation," Xena muttered with a huff, wielding the axe to split yet another log. She was like a machine. A well-equipped, muscular ... well.

Mid-thought, I reminded myself she'd spoken to me. I looked up at her and smiled, shielding my eyes from the sun. "Maybe that'll do you some good. You can't LIKE people cringing every time they see you."

Xena shrugged and leaned onto her axe, looking up at the sky. "It's better that way." It was safer, I knew. Still, it bothered me that no one could see the gentle creature she was but myself. It was an awful shame.

At a random juncture of our work, she stood and turned to me. "Gabrielle ..."

I stopped just about ten feet from her, and set my things down slowly at my sides. She looked troubled - was something wrong? I glanced around.

"Kiss me."

I could see how hard it was for her to ask me like that, although it was really more a command than anything else. Coming from my beautiful warrior, it was a plea.

I looked quickly to the ground, and back up at her. "You were gone ..." There was a long moment of silence. "You left."

"I'm back, and ... all this work, Gabrielle. I don't ... do this." She'd never tried so hard to win anyone's affections, I could see that. I had to smile at it, sensing that her breaking point wasn't far off. Five days was a long time to go against one's instincts, and Xena wasn't used to being denied what she wanted.

"I'm sorry," I said quietly, getting slowly to my knees. I can't say what made me do that, but the look I caught in her eyes certainly encouraged my mischievous doings. "One kiss ... I don't think we should-"

And like that, she was on top of me - pushing me back and kissing me so hard all my body called out for her. I had tingles everywhere, and so suddenly. I was wet as her hands quickly made their way up, under my skirt, but I held onto that intoxicating leather, and whispered to her: "Xena ... not here. We can't ... they'll think-"

"I don't care," she growled, easily loosening the string across my shirt to push her hands into my top, and massage my breasts. I wanted her to take me - the feeling swept over me just that quickly. I wanted so many things, but then I thought of her desire, and how she must have sated it with others in my absence. I physically recoiled at her touch, and turned away from her as she kept pulling at my clothes. It was as desperate as she often was post-fighting, but she was more careful with me then. She was being cautious.

"Xena ..."

"What?" she snapped, but I understood her frustration. It must have felt as if I were purposefully frustrating her.

"Xena ... how many others ... when ..."

She looked at me, leaning over my body with her stronger, athletic one. She wanted to be able to listen to me, but there was a part of her that just couldn't seem to stop itself. So her lips brushed down my neck as I spoke to her, and I let her do it. I tried not to whimper as she squeezed my thigh, doing all she could to rein herself in.

"Xena ... women ...?"

"Nobody," she breathed, in such a gentle way with such forceful intent. I'd never felt so weak under her as I did in that moment, knowing she could take me if she really wanted to. I would have let her.

"Nobody ...?" I asked at last, looking up into her eyes. She'd been gone for so long - certainly THAT couldn't be true. "Xena ..."

It didn't bother her that I was surprised. I think she wore her reputation with great pride. "I ... couldn't," she said with honesty surfacing in her eyes, and then anger.

"Poor warrior ..." I whispered up at her, reaching my hand up to comb her hair out of her face when she caught my wrist in her hand, and pinned it to the ground.

"Poor nothing. I have what I want."

"WHAT you want?" I teased, getting off on the situation. She wanted me more than I ever thought was possible. Would she ravish me? Would she enter me at last? Would it truly be rough, and just how willing would I be? I couldn't believe the thoughts racing through my mind then - I wanted a struggle.

She saw that fire in my eyes just as we both turned to the shouting from the house.

"GABRIELLE?!"

Gods. Just when it was getting good. I tried pushing Xena up so I could explain, but she simply kept me pinned, and kept licking up my neck to my ear, and I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't care who watched - I needed her. But just at that moment, Xena pulled herself off of me, and turned to face the panicked man, running toward us.

Mikel stopped a few feet back from her, looking at each of us in turn. He couldn't understand what was going on, so I told him.

"I'm ... with Xena, Mikel." As much as I may have liked him, he could never compare. I looked into his eyes to convey my apology, but he turned with rage toward Xena at my side.

"What have you done to her?!"

"Yet?" she grinned in that awful way. "Nothing much. She's wearing all that clothing ..."

Mikel was seething, so I stepped between them. "Xena, you're not helping. Mikel ... I'm so sorry. I just feel this way about her. I can't help what my heart feels."

"About XENA?!"

I sighed, knowing it would be difficult for him to understand, because he hadn't seen the real Xena. She didn't seem to like others seeing her that way.

Anyway, it became clear to me that these people never would, so I walked back into the house with them both, and said my goodbyes to the family. I thanked them for all of their hospitality, and hugged each of them, giving the kids a tighter squeeze, and Mikel a rather awkward hug as Xena was watching so closely. But it wasn't in Xena's nature to drag me away by the arm like he'd done. She loved me, and so she was considerate of my feelings.

I had many offers to stay, and that they would protect me from Xena, but I assured them this was what I really wanted, so they finally let me go. Mikel came out to the front, watching in anger as I left with Xena.

As Xena pulled me up, onto her horse with her, she was tender with me and I think that was what Mikel hated most. I truly loved someone else who loved me in return.

I held onto Xena and cried for Mikel as we road away, stopping almost a day's ride from the farm when Xena finally slowed Argo, and hopped off. I was nearly asleep at that point, as the sun was setting and the air was getting cool. It was at that time in the evening when a warm cuddle put me right to sleep. However, I could see that Xena had other ideas.

"You want me to pull you off?" she asked with jealousy trying to shield itself with anger. "Just like your ... boy ... what'shisname?"

I sighed, "Xena, he was kind to me."

She could see on my face I had only liked him and no more, but she was still jealous. I'd never seen it like I saw it then, when she was staring up at me. "He never ..." Touched you? It was implied.

"No," I answered plainly, trying to let myself to the ground as I caught my ankle in the stirrup, and Xena was quick to catch me and untangle me.

"Then how come you liked him pulling you around?"

I saw her smile, but I wasn't much in the mood for smiling. "Xena-"

"I could pull you around," she promised, catching my wrist in her hand. Tugging me closer to her.

"I don't like that," I laughed quietly, at the way she'd clumsily pulled me in. "Xena, I don't like that." I looked up into her eyes. "I like the tender way you hold me ... that with you, I always make my own decisions ..."

She wanted to rip all my clothes off, but I knew she would listen to me, so I continued.

"I feel so strong around you, Xena ... and that it's okay to be weak ..."

What I was saying began to affect her, but she pushed those emotions back as she brought her rough hands to my face. Her fingers were so coarse against my soft cheeks, and I knew how much she liked that.

"Xena ... I'm sorry about back there ... I just ... I just missed you so-"

Her lips interrupted me, assuring me there was no need for my apologies, and I melted into the embrace. It was desperate and tender all at once as her fingers expertly unclasped the side of my skirt to hear it fall at my feet. My shirt was next, and then I was naked all except for one crucial garment. She eased me onto my back, and kissed my neck just the way I liked.

"Xena ..."

It always excited her to hear me moan her name for her like that. I enjoyed it myself.

"Xena ... yesss ..."

I wondered if she had dreamed of this, thinking she might never have the chance again, and yet here she was. Kissing me, touching me.

"It's been so long ..." she groaned, tucking her thumbs at my hips to pull the last piece of clothing off my ankles. And then she pressed her hips between my legs, and I opened my eyes to see that she'd thrown off her leathers. She only had on her little leather corset and boots - I, nothing.

"It's been longer ... than that ... for me," I whispered, pushing at her shoulders to look into her eyes. "Xena ..."

She stopped, and as she looked at me, she knew what I meant. She knew that excited expression. The way my legs fell apart to allow her between them. The way I had pleaded so many times before, to feel her inside of me.

I shivered with the look she gave me in return. There were tears in her eyes.

I wondered then what had happened to her. What had she been through? I had tears in my eyes that fell more easily than hers. They were tumbling down into my ears as I touched her face. All desire was lost. Both hearts in turmoil.

It was as if she was looking through me. It was haunting.

"Xena ... talk to me."

It was the simplest request I could have made, but it held so many implications with it. She was scared, but she didn't move. Like the brave woman she was, she kept herself up, leaning over me. Her tears were held back and her eyes went a little dark. I was watching her very carefully. My breathing even grew shallow, in order to catch any small words she may have gifted to me.

It took her to long to speak that her arms grew tired, and her elbows touched the ground at last, her body pressed fully to mine. She wouldn't let herself pull away from me - afraid to lose me again, I would later hear. She was beginning to see that I wouldn't be taken for granted. Her lips pursed and her eyes raced, but her heart was there, with me. Where her mind had gone, I couldn't be sure.

As difficult as it was to keep silent, I waited for her to speak first. And after so long a pause, Xena answered me at last.

"... I don't know how."

"You can cry with me, Xena."

I knew she wished it were darker out, but I wished it were lighter. The shade over her face was exaggerated with the drape of hair that slid down both sides of her face. A purposeful blanket to keep me from seeing.

I reached up, and pulled her hair back. "It's okay ... it's gonna be okay," I said to her.

She looked right into me, completely still. She was strong. She was powerful, and she was certain: "... It's not." Those eyes grew darker still. They grew so dark that she finally picked herself up, off of me, and she stood to her feet. She was trying to face me again, but she seemed so afraid. She was terrified of what I might see in her eyes.

"I just want you to be able to talk to me," I whispered, still on my back, looking up to her. I knew she would need me to be on the ground, because she already felt she was beneath me. She somehow felt lowered, so I kept myself down as she turned away and ran her hands through her hair. Not meaning to emphasize that she was wetting her palms with tears, she moved in a manner which I could read. I knew her body language. I wanted so badly for her to be able to cry with me, but she couldn't.

She wordlessly walked away, and I let her go. She needed the space.

I hate to sound selfish, but I must admit that I thought about sex after she'd come back. After I was certain she was in no immediate danger, of course. She sat there, broody as ever by her fantastic fire, and I sat on the other side as the sun fell, and fantasized about her hands all over me. I wanted so badly to focus, but that was becoming difficult. Her hands were so mesmerising. The way they could touch me sent me right over the edge.

"I've killed innocent people."

I was ripped from my indecent thought with her confession, from across the fire. It seemed she was a world away. I watched her, but my expression was unchanged. In any case, she wasn't watching me. Not closely, at least.

"And ... I've hurt people, too, Gabrielle ... So many people ... it's ... hard to think about it. With you, sitting there ... loving me." She looked disgusted at that thought, but I knew she was simply disgusted with herself. I wanted to hug her, but more than anything, I wanted her to keep talking. Susprisingly, she did. "I can't ever forget ... the ways I've been hurt ... I hold onto it ..."

Was she telling me something? Did she trust me with this? And then I wondered if I could handle it. What would she tell me?

Her pain built up inside, and I knew then that it didn't matter what she said. I was already crying, watching her try to unravel her many troubles to me. She was in pieces just trying to tell me something. Anything.

"I can't even talk about it ..."

So she understood more than I thought she might ... Interesting. I kept both eyes trained on hers as they scanned over the ground. As she brought her hand up to her mouth, I could see she was nervous for where her mind was headed. Where would those thoughts take her?

I ventured to guess: "You're scared to touch me ..."

"Yes."

"Why?" I whispered, silent over the crackling fire, but she knew I would ask it, so she answered without my projection.

"I just ... you're so innocent, Gabrielle ..."

Clearly she had never visited my thoughts, but I kept that to myself. I kept focused, listening. This was more than important - it was everything.

"I can't ... hurt you ..." she said, dropping her head into her hands.

I quickly rushed over to the other side of the fire, and sat next to her. I didn't touch her, but I knew she'd seen me make my way over. "Xena ... you wouldn't hurt me. I don't think you could ..."

"You don't know what I'm capable of." The phrase was so certain that I knew she'd used it to intimidate her enemies before, but in this case, it was an assault on her own frame of mind. Did SHE know what she was capable of?

"Xena ..."

She looked up at me slowly, her face as stiff as she could manage.

"... But if I want it?"

Had she even considered that? She was biting down on her teeth, studying me, her brows pulled together in misunderstanding.

"Xena ... I want to feel that connected with you ... like you do with me ... when I touch you that way."

"Gabrielle-" she stopped herself mid-sob, dropping her head to tug at her hair. And then immediately, she was standing. Pacing. "There is a way ... A very specific way a woman can feel hurt ..."

I stood because I imagined where that was going. Had she hurt a woman before? Maybe accidentally, and maybe it was on purpose. Was there more than one? Either way, I sat there and I waited.

Quite unexpectantly, she found her place right in front of me, and dropped to her knees - two feet from mine. She put her hands on my knees. "Gabrielle ..."

I could see just how much I meant to her then - more than I felt for her, perhaps. There was so much love in her eyes that it hurt me just to see it. To feel her despair at what she felt she didn't deserve. It made me cry all over again, never afraid of my own tears.

"Please ... I'm trying."

There was so much beneath her surface. So much she wasn't telling me. So much she couldn't. It made me wonder how any person would manage under her situation. How had she become that person she now detested? As much as she veiled it with her attitude, I could see that as each day went on, she was regretting her past more and more. It was becoming unbearable for her.

"I want to ease your pain, " I whispered, putting my hands on hers - over my knees. "Just tell me what you need."

And then she shut down, because she didn't feel she deserved that sort of ease. Her eyes lost their ocean blue, and they turned a little darker as she dropped them to the ground. As she closed them, I closed my eyes, too. She was so close to letting me in, and then we lost it all. She was trying. I was trying. Would that ever be enough?

"I love you," I whispered as she marched herself over to Argo, to take out our bedrolls. I waited for any response, but she was gone from me then. I had lost my window of opportunity. I promised myself I would ask her again, whenever I could. I let her set up for sleep, and even lay by the fire before I put it out, and slept there beside her instead of pushing her any further.

It was a peaceful sleep, despite the sadness that had overwhelmed us both.

I dreamt of Xena, as I often did. As I did the next night and the night after that, ignoring Xena's emotional upset for the time being. She put it behind her so quickly, it was easy to follow her lead. It always was.

Honestly? No one had ever touched me except for Xena. Her hands were the only ones I really knew - the only fingers that knew me at all. They had travelled all over my sensitive flesh, and made good on their seductive promises. It was only ever Xena for me, and we grew so close in the next while that it was difficult to imagine our travels hadn't lasted all our lives.

I was sun-bathing in the nude when two travellers happened by our little site. I was oblivious to them, but when I heard something behind me, my lips turned up into a smile. "You're gonna have to do better than that to trick me, Xena. This had better not be one of your little tricks. I'm too ... well."

I let out a little laugh, but what I heard in response did not come from the woman I loved. I pivoted around quickly in a panic - so many thoughts racing through my head. I quickly reached for the large white shift I'd been using as a pillow, and held it in front of me as a cover. I was holding my breath, but what good would that do me? I closed my eyes tight for a moment to think: What would Xena do?

"Might as well drop it," one of the men laughed, unsheathing his sword as he glanced over me. "We were just gonna steal all this ... stuff ..." That particular way he was looking at me made me so uncomfortable; I had never known that feeling of disgust before. I physically recoiled and turned my head so I could try to pretend I was somewhere else. "But uh ..."

"Yeah," the other man chimed in so egotistically I wanted to roll my eyes, but I couldn't. I was too afraid. Instead, I held it back and listened to the footsteps nearing me, trying to keep focused.

What would Xena do? What would she do?! And then I remembered. Don't let them see your fear. A sort of confidence about herself seemed to keep others away from Xena, but I just didn't feel that I could do that. I was breathing so fast - I was so scared.

"Maybe we could steal THIS little thing too!"

"That little thing belongs to me."

All three of us turned to the powerful voice that boomed from just up the road - her frazzled bangs a clue to me that she'd been running. But now she walked - long, confident strides that would have the strangers believing she just happened by the same time they were chasing me. She was a smart woman, to use her presence and that conniving smile. I was captivated by her all over again - even in fear. I didn't want those men to stand between us. Not even with Xena on the other side.

The men weren't quite sure what to think, as they didn't respond right away.

"You boys wanna fight?" she grinned, unsheathing her sword from its place at her back, lowering it with precision and that same unnerving smile that had them shrugging to one another. "Come pick on someone your own size."

Her smile in that moment was coerced - those eyes lit with a fire that could only be pleasured with blood on her sword. Was it only with me when her smile was genuine? When that fire in her eyes didn't require violence?

My hair was still a mess, cast over each shoulder, and blown in the gentle wind as I watched each of the men run to her with sword in hand - ready to win me, I'm sure. But Xena finished them both with ease, stalking over to me as plainly as she'd ever done it. I wouldn't look at her. I couldn't seem to look up at all, just holding the shift tightly to my body.

"I didn't kill them for you," she said, hands on her hips. It was a stance I knew well, for times when she didn't quite know what to say to me.

"Gee ... thanks."

I knew she DID kill them for me - they'd seen me naked, and that would be reason enough for someone so used to the ruthless violence of war - but I kept quiet about that. I was hunched over in my stance, unwilling to move. I felt disabled there before her, all parts of me humiliated that I hadn't been able to defend myself in any sense of the word. I wasn't as brave as Xena. Or as strong. Or as confident.

"Hey," she said at last, no doubt reading my body language. She hooked her finger under my chin, and slowly turned my face up so she could look into my eyes. "You're okay."

"Just thank the gods you were there," I mumbled, and without warning, she took the shirt from my chest, and clothed me with it. I didn't even have time to complain before she lifted my smaller body to hers, our chests pressed together. My head on her shoulder.

"I'm always here." And with that, she walked back to the softest lot on the grass, set up our little makeshift bed, and laid with me in the early afternoon.

Instead of bother her with the mountains of questions building in my mind, I put us both at ease, and smiled as I touched my fingers to her tanned arm in the sunny silence of the day. We laid there for what must have been an hour before I drew in a strong breath, and spoke.

"Xena ... want me to tell you a story?"

She was quiet for a moment, and then: "I didn't know you told stories."

"I didn't," I teased, "But I want to start. I like to ... write them."

She was taken aback, but also interested. I would later find out just how interested, but she kept pretty quiet about it then, coolly interrogating me about my hobby as I knew she would. "You do ...? What kind of stories?"

"Oh, just about anything. I really like heroic stories ..." All my stories about Xena. "And I like to make stories up ..." with a very distinct sensual tone, of which I wasn't about to admit to her. Almost as if she could sense my secrecy, she kissed my ear.

"What stories do you make up?"

I laughed to cover my embarrassment, and moved against her - glad I had distracted us both, but amess with my racing mind. "Umm ... different kinds ..." I tried so hard to make something up in my head that wasn't teeming with sex, but I was so desperately excited back then. Everything, every touch she gave to me. I wanted so much.

"Tell me one," she commanded, her hand very firmly on my hip, reminding me that she could read my body.

I relaxed there, and realized that I might as well share with her. After all, what did I have to lose? And did I really think that Xena WOULDN'T enjoy my erotic fantasies?

"Umm ... okay." It was difficult to start the story from general memory, but it was fun once I'd started. She was so easy to tease as I shifted through the beginnings of my story, and I began getting off on the way she was struggling with her own desire through my words. "... And Neoma went to Cleo with flowers, to say she was sorry, but that wasn't all she got in return. Cleo kissed her with the passion of one thousand lovers."

Don't judge me. I was young.

Xena, however, was aroused by my cruddy explanations. I think it was the way I said them, come to think of it. My whole body moved as I spoke to her. And for once, it was my voice that was low and raspy.

"They kissed, and held each other ... sinking to the ground where they laid together ... undressing ..."

"What next?" she asked, as she would ask it many other times through many other stories I would share with her - some erotica, and some simple tales. It always sounded as simple as she said it then, but there was so much heart behind it. She was encouraging me. Enjoying our time together.

"Cleo took her lover's hand ... and brought it between her legs ... to show her how she felt."

Xena's lips were dry when they kissed my shoulder then, but she licked them and kissed me again. She was getting so hungry.

"Tell me how she felt ..."

I didn't know if 'wet' was the right word, or proper for that matter. I didn't know what to call it, but a little smile tugged at my lips, for the way Xena had asked me. So I answered her in turn: "Drenched."

For the rest of my story, Xena's hand had slipped down, under my shift to touch me. We were both on our sides, and it was new for me. I slid my leg up a bit to feel her more thoroughly, and forgot all about my story. Xena, however, asked me again and again to continue. She never grew tired of pleading with me then. She was getting off on my words, as amateur as they were.

"Neoma brought her fingers up from Cleo's place ..." Again, I was young. "And she tasted them. She always said how she liked to taste her ..."

Xena was mirroring my story, whispering it into my ear, and then feeling me with her fingers again. I was breathless, in realizing that I may just be able to orchestrate what I'd been so desperate for all along. I reached my hand back onto her hip, keeping myself close. It felt so naughty to be laying that way with her, but all common sense was lost.

"And Cleo ... she was ready ..."

"For what?"

"So Neoma slowly ... pushed inside of her ..."

Xena had thought about doing exactly that ever since I'd first asked for it. She told me later how terribly she'd wanted it, but feared it all at once. I think what finally allowed her to go ahead with it was because she could hear and see and feel just how ready I was. That I wanted it just as badly.

If you ask me, though, I would say I wanted it MORE.

As I waited then to see what Xena might do, I was pulled onto my back, where she pressed on top of me and looked into my eyes. The story was gone. It was only us then. I was so open to her. More than willing.

I instinctively put my hands up, over my head to show her that I was hers, but she quickly reached for them, and brought my hands to her shoulders.

"Push if you need," she said in a whisper, leaning down onto me. Her right hand gently smoothed over me again, and my eyes went wide as she closed hers - was she about to do what I'd been dreaming of all this time? Was it going to happen?

I was so excited I was tense, and she sensed that.

"Relax, Gabrielle."

I bit my lip - trying to keep my smile from showing as she kissed me and teased me with her fingers. And as she pulled back for a moment, she gave me fair warning: "This is gonna hurt for a minute."

I hadn't known how it would hurt, but I was aware it would, so I nodded furiously and held tighter to her shoulders.

She pushed into me fast - to keep me from any unnecessary discomfort - and we both moaned as she broke my hymen. Mine had a gasp within it, but we were both satisfied she'd done it. I think she'd expected me to push her away, but as her fingers sank into me, I pulled her shoulders closer so I could throw my hands around her neck. I felt like crying then, but it was from relief and love, and I didn't want to worry her. The feeling was tingling in my nose.

I still wanted to see her though, so I put my hands on her face, and pulled it close to mine. What I saw shocked me, but I did well to keep it to myself.

Xena was crying, her tears taking over her expression. She always looked so cold when she was upset, but there in my arms it was different. She didn't mind me seeing her tears. She held me closer. Her eyes told me she loved me. Her hands told me she always would.

At last, she pulled her fingers out again, and then in. Out and in slowly until I didn't look uncomfortable but aroused. And then she moved them in rhythm, and I moved right along with her. I held onto that strong neck, and pushed my hips up to meet her fingers as they pleased me. And what a feeling it was.

I matured so much in that moment with her, with a little pain and a lot of love. It was all about our love.

She said I hadn't bled very much, but she didn't want me to see it anyway. I wanted to see, but I relented, and we slipped into the water together. We played together, actually - me with my shift still on, and Xena completely naked. She liked seeing the transparently thin garment on me wet, and I liked that I could tease her. She threw me into the water, and held me when I tried to get away. She kissed me and smiled at me for hours - our swim a kind of cleanse for her.

"So ... you'll have something to add to those stories now, won't you?"

Always the tease.

We had accomplished so much that day, with the sun still shining down on us, but I knew the journey was far from over. There would be hardships to come, but I was just glad in that moment to have Xena in my life. I was glad she wanted me in hers. That she wanted me at all.

I splashed her and screamed as she chased me out of the water. She let me run ahead, but only so that she could find me, lift me, and then throw me back into the water. She had fun with me in the sun, in a much different way than she had before. She looked at me with a sort of warmth I had never seen before. She saw a woman before her, I know. A woman who hadn't pushed her away. A woman who wanted her still.

I knew she was still holding onto her demons, but that afternoon, all was well. We floated, we swam, and we laughed.


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5

As soon as Xena realized just how much I wanted her fingers, she let me realize how much she'd wanted to give them to me. She took me often and hurriedly, at times - as if she just couldn't wait another moment. Often, she was so desperate, she would lick her fingers and pull up my skirt before I had time to realize what she wanted.

But it always felt so heavenly, and I always leaned back eagerly for her. She'd tried to bend me over a few times, but that always seemed so racy that I blushed, and would easily turn myself around to look at her instead.

Other times, she would lift me up or push me back, or even tenderly kiss me. She had me so much that it seemed every waking hour for her was simply filled with new ways to get me on my back. It was thrilling, I must say.

Having just come back from another one of her heroic journeys one day, she came back to me, and I flashed her a little smile.

"Are you ready for me?" she rasped, stepping over to me with that look in her eyes. I knew exactly what she wanted. I'd been thinking about it too, left alone all those nights in the dark. Missing the way she breathed hotly over my neck.

"I love you," I moaned as she lifted me into her arms, and then slowly set me down again. She held me and lowered us both to the ground.

She felt her hand down between my legs and moaned at what she found there. I was more than ready. I'd been excited all that time away, too, with no way to please myself. Surely she knew how desperate I was myself, but she never commented on it. As much as I squirmed and pulled and pleaded for her to push inside of me, she never teased me for it.

That night was so beautiful - her pleasing me, and then Xena trembling as she came twice under my relatively inexperienced fingers. When I busied myself tasting her, she took great pleasure in my patience. I had always enjoyed her euphoric taste, so I licked my lips hungrily, and it pleased her to see that. I made a note to myself then, to do that more often.

In our times making love together, I always knew she was holding back, but it never bothered me. I figured she knew what was best, and that I might be hurt trying some of the things a woman of her stature enjoyed. However, I was never one to shy away from her propositions, so I was very curious a few days later, when she asked me to try something different.

"Can you get down onto your hands and knees?" She asked me with more question than command, as she used to do. I think she could see that I was fit to make my own decisions, and deny hers if I pleased.

"Excuse me?" I giggled, still washing the pan from lunch as she came down by the river. I knew that a dry sense of humor went a long way. "I'm just a little busy here ..."

"Gabrielle, try it."

I can't even explain the rush I felt. Did she want to try something explicitly sexual with me in the middle of my tasks? My heart was already racing as I pretended I had better things to do. She really couldn't seem to have enough of me.

"Now, Gabrielle."

That tone of voice, it had me throbbing, so I quietly obeyed her and left the pan sitting on the grass. I braced myself on my hands as I sunk to my knees and waited there - on all fours. I held my breath as she paced around me, to stand at my feet. I felt so exposed, even fully clothed. "Wh-what're you doing?"

"Oh ... nothing," she said dismissively, just as I felt her pull my skirt over my waist. She knew my undergarments were drying! What was she doing?! I quickly turned onto my side, looking up at her. That wasn't how we made love. You couldn't do things from behind, but then that thought excited me in the wildest way. I was breathless, just staring up at her.

"Xena ..."

"Back up," she ordered, grinning down at me. She knew how badly I wanted to try that position again, but she could also sense I was afraid to do so, and I think that struggle entertained her. I often worried how things might look. "It'll look sexy, Gabrielle. No one's here. Come on, get back up."

Slowly, I got back up on my hands and knees, and I shut my eyes so tightly I saw white instead of black. She very gently traced her fingers over the bare small of my back, and I relaxed with her touch.

What could she see from behind me? Surely she didn't want to see me that way ... I was so tense that she could easily read that on my body.

"Relax, Gabrielle." I could hear her get down behind me, and I shivered. She knocked my legs apart, and I felt shame at the reaction produced between my legs. I was so wet it was embarrassing. What was she doing to me? - She hadn't even touched me! It gives me shivers now, thinking of the way she had spoken to me in a way that said she knew I'd enjoy it just as much as I had.

"What're you doing ...?" I panted, arching quite accidentally which accentuated the muscles in my back. As petite as I was next to Xena, I was beginning to pick up some muscle definition, and when I heard her moan, I knew she appreciated the view. "Xena ..."

"I want you like this," she whispered, her thighs touching the backs of mine.

I gasped, thrown from the seductive spell as I twisted from my position. "Xena! ... Xena, you can't do that."

"Doesn't it feel good?" she asked, her hands playfully tugging at my shirt to keep me close. My wetness pressed against her, and my arms were too weak to hold me up, so I fell to my forearms - my bottom up at an angle that wasn't entirely comforting. What could she see? What was she trying to see? "I wanna take you this way."

"No," I breathed, stumbling onto my side to look up at her. My eyes were lit with excitement, but it felt so wrong. "Xena ... I-I ... can't ..."

"I'd like to," she said, almost by way of apology. Her voice had gone soft, and her eyes swimming with emotion. She had been so confident – and especially with that warrior attitude she always came back to me with – but I saw her stance changing with my answer. Those long days of fighting often had her excited, but her expression shifted with my resounding "No" in her ears.

"I know. But ... no, you can't," I explained, turning to readjust my skirt over my legs.

She stared at me, and I stared at her. We remained just that way for some time, and I watched her struggle with something at the back of her mind, but she finally got to her feet. "S ..." She meant to say sorry, but then again, she was sorry she had started anything. I don't think she could believe I hadn't been in any way curious – that I had shut it down so quickly. Maybe she was in shock as much as I was myself at the excitement and embarrassment I'd felt.

To be honest, I think I should have felt self conscious when she spooned me later that night, but I was just excited with the position. I closed my eyes and I was excited that there was something she wanted that she couldn't have. I hadn't meant things to be that way, but seeing as they were, I found excitement in it.

With my backside comfortably in her lap, we each laid with fatigue, but my mind was suddenly racing. As much as there was a small, nagging guilt in the back of my mind about my reason for excitement, it was there. I hadn't given her permission to take me that way. Xena - waiting for permission from ME. I wasn't comfortable with what she wanted, but I liked how the idea of it had seemed to excite her. I was selfish, and that wasn't fair – I wish I had inquired more about her feelings, but as it was, I couldn't seem to help myself from making things even harder on her. I pushed back my hips as if it was subconscious, and smiled at her arms around me.

She always bugged me about that moment - how taunting I had been about something I wouldn't let her do. She could feel it was purposeful, even if I hadn't meant for her to suffer with her lust pushed down inside of her and her mind racing for her own reasons.

"Goodnight," I said quietly, closing my eyes to the dark as I assumed she did the same.

Of course, later when I was woken from my sleep, I realized she'd been fully awake. I kept quiet to see what had woken me, and I realized I was on my back. I frowned, and tried to focus, taking in the sounds around me. I knew whatever had woken me was Xena's doing, because she wouldn't have let anyone get so close to me.

I tried my best to breathe evenly as I heard Xena's short, labored breaths – almost silent. Was she touching herself?! I could feel her knees on either side of mine - she was taking in the sight of me in the dark, and pleasing herself. I got off on the fact she was looking at me, but I could do nothing about it. Maybe she didn't need what I wasn't ready to give her. Maybe I could bring it up the next day, I reasoned, trying to stop my body's reactions from giving me away.

Thankfully she was spent before she could find how wet I was, and she collapsed beside me as she caught her breath.

How long had she been doing that? I couldn't help but enjoy the implications. My dreams were fitted quite nicely with my many questions, and I thought about it the next evening too, along with something more important. The sexual implications mixed with a deeper feeling I'd had for Xena ever since I had known her. It was an insecurity I couldn't seem to ignore like I'd planned.

I laid quietly for a few minutes next to Xena just after we'd finished our meal, when my concern took over in the most random of moments. "Do you love me?"

I'd been quiet for so long that I think she'd assumed I was sleeping. The question certainly startled her. She tensed for a moment. "... What?"

"Do you love me?" I knew she did. I wanted her to say it.

I felt Xena let me go, and sit up, breathing unsteadily. I wanted to cry in that silent and secret way, but instead I just listened. "You ... just never say it. That's all. I know you love me, Xena ... you just never tell me."

She was struggling with something, and when she thought back to her past she could often become quite a mess, so I let her think in silence. At long last - after what felt like hours - she laid back down behind me, just watching the back of my head. I could feel her eyes on me. I expected her to negate my accusations of insensitivity, but what I got in return was much different.

"Gabrielle ... It's ... It's hard for me ... to tell you that." It was as honest as she knew to be. She didn't often disclose things about her past, and as a rule to myself, I didn't pry. I feared she would stop sharing with me altogether if I pushed her too far.

But I had to ask "Why?" because I couldn't have just left it there. I waited in that same position, and I heard her get to her feet.

"It's ... just hard on me. I know you're ... great with all that ... but it's not me."

"It IS," I insisted, but then we'd fallen into a silence. I sighed and tried to allow her to finish. "I'm sorry."

"Gabrielle ... the things I've done ..."

I turned then, to look at her over my shoulder. "Xena, I forgive you."

"-Do you think I can forgive myself?" It was spoken so quickly that I was actually speechless. It was as if it had been on her mind for years, just clawing its way out. Bursting with release until she'd finally said it aloud to me.

I watched her take off into the darkness, and I knew better than to go after her. She needed time, and I needed to keep from getting myself lost, so I laid there waiting for her. I couldn't sleep, though, and the moon drifted off just as the sun crept its way back onto the horizon. I was pacing. Nervous. Terrified. Where had Xena gone, and was she alright? After all, she'd left Argo. I would have taken the horse to look for her if I didn't have such terrible sense of direction, but I didn't want her to come back and see the place empty. I needed to be there for her. I just kept repeating that to myself.

"I'm not talking about it," she huffed, as she'd finally made her way back to the site. She looked like a wreck - her hair was knotted and her face, arms, and legs were all scratched fiercely. Her boots were covered in mud, and there was a very definite cut on her thigh that had me hurrying over to her.

"Xena?! ... Are ... Are you okay?" I looked up at her, but she wasn't looking at me. She was looking off in the direction of the sun.

"We'd better get going."

Oh, how badly I wanted to talk to her then. Knowing what I do now, I wish I had forced it further, but I didn't feel it was my place. I knew she needed to get it out, but I wanted to give her time. I didn't know how badly she was hurting, or how much it might hurt me, too, to hear about it. I just knew she wasn't well, and she was bleeding from a serious wound.

"Xena ... that never happens - are you okay?"

Of course she wouldn't tell me she'd done it herself in a fitful rage of chaos far down the road. Nor would she tell me of all the demons that tormented her, but they were present. Even when I was freely content, she was keeping the madness down. She was managing her anguish all the time. I had no idea what that sort of pain even was, but I could see that her wound would need some special attention, so I asked that we ride into the next little town we saw. I sat behind her, watching her very carefully for signs of warmth, or that she'd returned to me in some sense, but she just felt empty.

Thankfully, the next place wasn't far off, and it was more of a city than a town. It was equipped with a healing house, eateries, a school, a church, and an inn. Xena seemed upset by my mere mention of the church, but slid off her horse once we had reached the inn.

"Xena, you need to get that looked at-"

But she was already tying Argo to the post, and making her way into the next door tavern. Her mucky boots thudded against the old hardwood, and she swung open the doors with so much force that they slammed against the walls. Everyone in the place turned to her, and then turned away again when she headed for the bar. Not one man in that place so much as dared to put their eyes on her in any appetizing sense.

I entered behind the scratched-up-yet-still-stunning warrior. Seeing Xena's entrance gave me promise, but I, on the other hand, got whistled at, pinched, gestured to, and even received a hand firmly placed on my backside. I jumped, and quickly made my way through the crowded place to Xena, seeing that she was in her own difficult mind.

"Hey ..." I put my hand on hers, and she just looked at it. She looked so exhausted from the inside out. "We'll sleep, okay?"

She didn't say anything, but she didn't turn away either. The barmaid handed her a glass of port, accepting the coin in return, but Xena didn't flinch. She just stared aimlessly at our hands.

"You'll take all that off ... and we can just sleep. Side-by-side."

"I'll sleep alone."

"Okay. Okay, you'll sleep alone." I knew she would want to sleep on the floor, so I didn't press the matter. I didn't squeeze her hand either. I just kept it on hers, sharing my love with her. "I'll be there ... for anything you need."

"Don't trust me like this." Then she tugged her hand away, running her hands through her hair which only irritated her little scrapes and further knotted her hair, but she wasn't really thinking. She was beyond that. "Just ... go, get another room. I'll pay."

"Xena-"

"Get another room and lock the door," she gritted back, not holding much patience, but I couldn't help myself. I wanted to be with her.

"Xena, please just-"

"Get another room!" she yelled, frightening those around us and silencing the place - myself included. I stumbled off with the coins she then shoved into my hand, and hurried to the inn just next door.

My heart was still racing as I paid, but the rooms were nice because of the big city atmosphere, and they came with a little bath. I paid extra for hot water, and tried to ease my mind while Xena drank herself numb.

I was actually glad she was in a drunken stupor when she barged her way in the doors downstairs, because I thought maybe she'd been able to relax, too. I jolted from my place in the tub with water that had turned rather cool, and I listened. I had been relaxing, but I would know that rattled stomping anywhere. Even with the imbalance, that was my Xena. I hopped out of the tub to press my ear to the door.

"Where'she?" she slurred, and then I heard a clattering - something falling to the ground - and the innkeeper's panicked voice.

"I-d-d I-don't-know!"

Another clatter, and some talking I couldn't hear from my room, and then those boots stumbled over to the stairs, and my eyes widened. I couldn't help it, but I was afraid. I didn't want to be, but I knew she'd had a dark past, and just then I remembered that she'd warned me to lock the door. I turned the lock, and for what sturdy kind of door it was, that allowed me to breathe easier. I stepped back from it, ringing out the white shift I'd washed, and pulling it over my shivering body. I held myself with my arms, and waited silently as those familiar steps became unfamiliar. Xena's stumbling was taking her over, and I worried she would fall back down the stairs. How many drinks had she had? How drunk was she? Maybe she would be no harm. Maybe I should take care of her, I wondered, but then I decided to trust her earlier insistences. She needed some space.

"Gabrull," she said loudly through the door, no doubt leaning against it. "Open ... this'or."

She sounded so weak, but I couldn't be sure. Still, I took one step closer to the door, listening very carefully.

BANG. Her fist hit the door so suddenly and so loudly that I gasped and gave myself away. She knew my screams and gasps anywhere - I knew that. I put my hand gently over my mouth and waited, watching as the doorknob was twisted, but the door remained a nice barrier between us.

As she heard my shock and terror, her laughter rang out in a surprisingly twisted sense. I had never heard her that way before, and it made me feel that maybe I didn't know THAT Xena. I wanted to know everything about her, but I wondered if maybe she'd been right to get me to lock the door. Then she slowly dragged herself away, mumbling something to herself, and she was gone.

I didn't see her until the next morning, as much as I had wanted to check on her that night. I knew I couldn't.

The next morning was warm for sunrise, and I hurried downstairs and out into the town. At last, when I had found an adequate healer to my satisfaction, I brought him to the inn, and persuaded the innkeeper to let me help my friend. He gave me the extra key to her room, and as I opened it, I saw Xena lying on the floor. The bottom two posts of the bed were torn off - splintered - and her clothes were strewn all over. I hurriedly closed and locked the door behind me, and got down on my knees next to her, completely unafraid. I still remember just the way she looked - like a child. Like a lost and broken child, vulnerable and hurt. I set to work pulling her up, onto the bed, as she was relatively unresponsive. She only tried squirming away from me once I had hoisted her up, onto the bed, and then it was no trouble. I took the shift I'd brought with me - wearing only my small shirt and skirt myself - and I gently dressed Xena with it. I touched her face as I sat on the bed next to her, glad I could care for HER for a change. My heart went out to her, but I had talked the healer into his services, so I quickly then ran down to get him, and together we went to see Xena.

He told me that she had lost a lot of blood whenever her cut had happened, and he was surprised she was alive. I covered my mouth and asked him if he could help, but he assured me that at this point, she would be fine. The wound just needed to be cleaned, and it needed some stitches.

"She's gonna want some more of that liquor," he said over his shoulder to me, looking more closely at the wound, and then to all the scratches on her. His older, deep voice was coated in a traditional Greek accent that comforted me in that worried moment as he continued: "What ... what happened here? Was she attacked by wolves or something?"

Maybe, I thought. Or - after I'd seen her the other night - I figured it might have been how she tolerated all of the pain inside. Either way, I lied for her. "Yes, she was running from wolves."

"Gods, she's lucky. That's all I'll say."

I breathed in and out with my arms crossed, worried for just how unresponsive she was.

"That's all I'll say."

And he didn't speak through his task, even after I warned him of her strength or her general nature. I helped him clean her wound, and then he carefully went to task, sewing up the cut as Xena writhed in agony, half-conscious. Or wholly conscious, as I would later find out. She was the toughest person I'd ever seen - no alcohol and no complaints. She just took the pain in her hungover state, and somehow managed to keep herself still.

After I had thanked him profusely and paid him well, it was just me and Xena again. I locked the door, and climbed into bed with her, a little worried at how angry she would be with me for getting help without asking her if she WANTED to be stitched up. Any average person would have been grateful, but I knew that Xena was no average person. So I waited, lying very carefully at her side. I waited only about half an hour before she finally spoke.

"Thank you." It was said so evenly that I looked up to her face to see her staring at the ceiling.

"Xe ... how long have you been awake?"

She exhaled. "Since dawn."

"Xena!" I half-laughed, incredulous that she would simply lay with me and say nothing - do nothing - as her flesh was pierced and sewed. How that was possible, I had no idea. "Xena ... what?"

"Thank you ... for doing as I asked last night."

I gently draped my arm over her stomach, wondering what that meant. Why was she grateful and how had she known what I needed to do before it happened?

"I ... I'm not proud of the way I am, Gabrielle ... but ... I'm just so different with you." She turned her head to lean against mine. "I never ... if that changed ... I think ..."

"It never will," I said with confidence, squeezing her a little closer to me. "Plus, I think I could take you."

It was a tease, but she wasn't much in the mood for laughter. I happily settled for the little smile I felt against my forehead. "Whatever you say, Gabrielle."

"So we can eat?" She was slowly coming back to me, and I held her tighter for it.

"Yeah, let's eat."

"No no, let ME get the food, and bring it to you. You're in no condition to be up around, walking. Pleeease, Xena?" I was so desperate that she finally agreed with my plea, and laid back down to wait for the food. I even served it like a barmaid, but then I cuddled in bed next to her, and we ate together. She pushed away all the fruit, and I all the meat. I had always liked sweets for breakfast, and I suppose she had always been more of a bulky morning meal sort of girl.

"Hey ..." she finally said, just as we'd nearly finished the food on our large, shared plate. "Don't let me run off like that again ... okay?" It was the most intimate thing she'd ever said to me, to trust me with what that implied. It meant something for her to show her confidence in me, that I could somehow hold her back. She was looking at my hands when I tilted my chin up.

I read the trouble in her eyes - the loneliness, the pain, the guilt - and I grazed my thumb over the back of her hand. "Never again."


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

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_***WARNING: This chapter deals with difficult subject matter. If you are sensitive to discussions of sexual abuse (non-graphic), you might want to skip this chapter or simply be prepared for such. The difficult discussion begins approximately halfway through this chapter.***_

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Xena felt a great amount of guilt for what had happened the other night, but as much as I tried to keep her mind off of it, she insisted it was important. Looking back, I'm surprised at the way I'd been more worried about Xena's feelings than her self-destructive behavior.

"Gabrielle, stop," she said at last, closing the door to our room just as I'd asked that we go for a walk. "Gabrielle ... what're you doing?"

With her hand still resting flat against the door, I chewed my lip and crossed my arms. Why was I so hesitant to speak with her about what had happened? It bothered me that she'd struck fear into me the other night. For once in all the time I'd known her, I was the one hesitant to talk. I was nervous and uncertain.

She walked over to me and kissed me. She made me forget all about my worries with just one kiss, drawing me in as only she could. When she'd finished with my lips, she pulled my back to her chest, and ran her hands softly, lovingly down my body.

"Is my Gabrielle more warrior than she lets on ...?" She was teasing and smiling.

I tried so hard not to smile - I knew what she was implying. I wasn't being as talkative when I needed to be, and she could easily persuade me when she touched me or kissed me. I would do anything she asked with just one touch, and in that sense, I was more warrior than her. I still hold to that.

Even when I tried to struggle away, she kept me close and she held me with all the warmth she had in her.

"Gabrielle ... just listen to me."

I settled down and gave her the chance to speak, even though I was - for some reason - afraid to listen.

"You put so much trust in me, Gabrielle ... it changes me." I wanted to laugh, because her hair was tickling my shoulder, but I didn't say anything. "I ... I never meant for any of this to hurt you ... When I meant to leave you in that other village … I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Or let myself see you again."

I squirmed again out of anger, but she just softly laughed and held me tighter.

"But no matter how I've ever tried to push you away … you just kept on coming at me ... never giving up for even a second."

"Heyyy."

"Never giving up on ME, Gabrielle."

We both quit struggling as a calmness settled over us. I was touched by her words, and that she could finally realize that I wasn't about to walk away.

"I've given up on you before ... and I don't deserve the kind of love you're willing to give me." Her arm was still firmly tucked under my chest. Her lips to my ear. "I know I don't deserve it ... but here you are time and time again, fighting to stay with me ... It's hard to understand, Gabrielle ... I'm not used to that. And ... even if I feel that you keeping your distance is best ... I know better now than to keep pushing you away."

I was completely silenced by her confession, my arms gently resting over hers as a small smile found its way to my lips. She had found such a voice in the otherwise short conversations she had become accustomed to in her early adult life. Her confessions were building to something – was she saying what I thought she was saying?

"I'm sorry."

By the gods. I pivoted in her arms as they finally relented, and I just looked up at her in shock. My eyes were wide, and my smile unabashedly obvious. "Xena ... what ... what makes you say all that?"

"Gabrielle ... I've never had someone stick by me the way you did." And I could have died last night. I knew that was what she wanted to say, but she wouldn't worry me like that. She just kept her eyes trained on mine. "That deserves some acknowledgement."

She was a smart woman, despite her greater efforts to appear as a brute.

I put my hands and on her arms, and gazed up at her lovingly. Mischievously, too. "You're sorry?"

Her thoughts were on what she'd done the night before, nodding to me. "Yeah ..."

"Xena - I wouldn't leave you. You know that, don't you?"

"Yes, you've made that abundantly clear," she chuckled, stepping aside as she shook her head at the way I immediately spun around. She was beginning to see just how unconditional my feelings were. I was finally getting through to her.

"And I would never hurt you," I said a little quieter, watching her shoulders relax as she turned back to me. She looked defeated, but I knew she'd been exhausted from last night.

"I know."

"And ...?" I prodded, teasing her to add onto the list of things she liked about me.

Instead, she scratched at the back of her head, and spoke seriously with me. "Gabrielle ... you don't deserve what happened last night ... I'm sorry. I lost control of myself."

Her apologies were stunning, because she had always been so unapologetic before. They were like little exploding glimmers in the sky, bursting brightly for me to take in their miraculous and eclectic beauty.

The way she spoke made me feel that she'd been wanting to apologize all along, and that she finally gave herself the chance. She was trying to earn my affection in that moment, looking to me with a hopefulness I hadn't seen in her before. It had always been fun with us, but she wanted something different than what she'd known. She wanted something very real. Something she knew I could give to her.

She wouldn't ask me to forgive her, because she thought I never could, so I just smiled at her. "You're sorry? I've never heard you say that before."

"I'm sure you have," she muttered, obviously embarrassed that she'd gone so soft with me. Still, I didn't relent. I was enjoying this soft Xena, offered to me for the taking. I brought my hands to her neck, up to cup her face. I was on tiptoes to reach her, wanting to kiss her.

"You love me, I know it."

She smirked despite her greater efforts, and turned her face away, but I kept it in my sights, teasing her like only I could. I knew she wouldn't change over the span of one night, but her honesty was compelling. I still can't believe she let me see her that way - after the past she'd had. It was soon for her, but it was late for me. I was just happy to have her, no matter the timing. I loved her with all my heart.

"And I love you," I gushed, pulling myself up so that she instinctively supported me in her arms, so I could touch our noses together. That was the very first time I did it, but it wouldn't be the last. I still remember her face with the gentle gesture. She winced and tried to make a show of turning away from it, but there was a smile on her lips, and she held me a little tighter for it. She liked it, as sweet as it was.

"You wanna kiss me ..." I teased, sweeping all her hair over one shoulder to admire her openly. "You do ..."

"I'm gonna carry you out of here in a minute if you don't quit that," she smiled.

She was only teasing me, but at last I relented and stood back on my feet, putting my hands on my hips. "On your back?" I sure was daring, but I knew she felt she owed me something after the other night, and I loved to tease her. She stood there, shaking her head. Grinning. "Oh, Xena. You'll be my personal little transport. How perfect."

Unable to restrain herself, she darted her hand out, and grabbed me as I screamed with laughter. "I'll be your personal SOMETHING," she mumbled, enjoying the way I laughed. She told me that often enough in later moments, as she softened with me. Allowing herself to be as vulnerable as I'd always been with her.

She treated me so differently after she realized I wouldn't scare so easily. She allowed herself to open up to me in a way she never had before. I knew there would be fearsome elements from her past, but I was with Xena as she presently existed. To me, everything else was something we had to overcome. There was nothing we could change from the past, but we could work to improve our future.

As Xena's leg healed, we picked up our travels to a more regular journey. I began asking her to teach me to fight, but she always resisted. Finally one night, I had had enough.

"Xena - how am I supposed to be expected to do anything for myself if you won't teach me?"

I stood with my hands on my hips - with authority. I had learned how to use my body language with Xena. She taught me to act strong, even when I wasn't. But I felt strong then, providing my point. I was daring her to argue with it.

"I'm not sending you off to fight," she said dismissively, but then she looked up at me, and sighed. She had been so much more understanding with me lately, but there was still so much we had to sort out. She wasn't used to giving me much leeway. Boy, did that ever change. Still, it was a slow process. Her eyes drifted over to the trees as she thought of how else to word her answer.

"Xena, I NEED to be able to defend myself."

She was still thinking, so I interrupted her in the most creative way I could manage. I picked up a long stick from the ground, and ran at her with the blunt weapon in hand.

I think she found it cute, that I thought that really meant anything. She gave me her attention, because she knew I wouldn't want to know just how little effort it would take for her to disable my attack. She really put her back into throwing that stick into the bush. She wanted me then, just because she found my audacity to be enticing, but she released me and exhaled another long breath.

"Okay. I'll tell you what. You come at me, and I'll tell you how to do it right."

It was offensive and condescending, but Xena was the warrior of all warriors. She knew more than any master of weaponry or tactic, so it was hard to take offense.

I pulled a face, but she ignored it, and gestured for me to come closer.

I dragged that same stick from the bush, and held it in both hands, wrapping my fingers around it - my thumbs hooked underneath. It seemed a bit heavy and awkward, but that was how I felt fighting next to Xena. I think it lent an honest metaphor to the situation.

It took me all of one move to get it wrong - to have Xena pull it away from me again. The next move, she blocked it with her hand, and then tore it away from my uncertain grasp. Even when I put more effort into my task, it didn't seem to matter in the least. There she was, besting me at every turn.

We went for an hour like that - me trying something, and then having it defeated just as quickly. We spoke and gently teased and struggled. I was trying to fight. She was being careful not to hurt me.

When we finally sat to rest, I was thinking how little I felt I'd learned, and then it dawned on me. Xena didn't know HOW to teach me. I'd taken that for granted. I got up after I'd caught my breath, and offered her a suggestion.

"How about you get me to try something you think will work. Then ... maybe I can try it. Maybe I could do better ...?"

She had little belief in that, but she was beginning to see that I needed her to be sensitive toward me. She was picking up on it well, seeing as she hadn't lived that way before. She was gentle with no one but me.

I took her by surprise. She gave me a few suggestions, and in practicing one of them, I nearly kneed her in the ribs. She was swift to avoid it, but as I drew myself back, I giggled with excitement. I had been close, and she didn't expect that. She nodded her approval, all of this without words. That afternoon, I started to understand the power of silence. I felt I could learn more if all was quiet - I was listening to the way she moved, and listening to my heart beating in my ears, too. It was thrilling to be fighting the almighty warrior herself. I knew she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but it was thrilling nonetheless.

We sparred for another hour before I was too exhausted to try anymore. I'd just about fought myself to the ground, trying to keep up with her strength. I tried so hard to prove myself to her, as unnecessary as it was.

She was proud of me regardless, throwing her arm over my shoulders.

"We need to get you another top."

I panted, leaning over to brace my hands on each knee. I was sweating all over my body, just as sweaty as when we went at it for hours on end. I'm sure she appreciated the symmetry, but she didn't mention it.

"For fighting," she clarified, seeing it was in my heart to learn.

I smiled as I struggled to even my breathing again, standing when I could. "Yeah?"

"Something with more give," she said, pulling at the top of my shirt just to emphasize her point, lowering her eyes to my abdomen. "And something smaller."

I grinned, "Oh, is that so?"

She laughed, "I didn't mean it that way, Gabrielle. You're just ... flexible. You arch your back as you fight. You pivot your hips more than I do as you move."

"You don't think a leather bodice would do the trick?" I teased, watching her walk off to Argo, shaking her head.

She tossed a smile over her shoulder. "It would look nice ... I'll say that."

"Then why a smaller top?"

"Like I said. For movement." And Xena did know what she was talking about. She'd led armies into battle before. After she started to teach me to fight, she would tell me tales so I might learn from her mistakes. They were always simple lessons, like "watch your opponent" or "don't lock your knees." They were always small lessons, but they were strong points, and I took them each to heart. It helped me fight, as much as she didn't like that I wanted to. She respected my wishes - more easily than I would have thought, but I didn't complain. I couldn't have known then that she identified with a young woman fighting back. Fighting back against something horrible.

I couldn't have known because I didn't ask. I suppose I always saw Xena as a force to be reckoned with, and never as a child. That was a difficult image to conjure.

I stumbled across the confession one day after we'd bought my new top, when I was feeling confident about my new image. I felt stronger and more capable, so I carried that attitude with me back to camp, where we sat by the fire together.

Xena's arms were balanced on her knees, her wrists limp. She sat carelessly on the grass, leaned in as the glow from the fire shone gently on her rounder face. Her eyes always had a way of catching the light, but the blue I saw there never mixed with the glowing red. It was always blue on its own.

"You must have liked fighting," I said just loudly enough, on the other side of the fire. Staring through the wisps of smoke at her. "When you were learning, I mean. You must have liked it. You seem so different when you're fighting."

I'd familiarized myself with our streaming conversations, but she just looked at me as I spoke. Just like when we'd first met, she went very quiet.

I wanted to know what she was thinking, so I asked her, but she didn't answer so I ignored it.

"Well, who taught you?" I continued anyway, watching her.

She inhaled through her nose, and her lips tensed. "I taught myself."

I tried to ease her mind by stepping over and sitting next to her. I knew that when she was feeling particularly vulnerable, it was better for her if I wasn't watching her every move.

I smiled and rested my head on her shoulder. "You WOULD."

I was teasing, trying to lighten the atmosphere. I was trying to ready myself for anything she might say, but nothing could have readied me for what she told me next.

"I was ... someone took my virginity when I was young, Gabrielle. Too young."

I couldn't pick my head up from her shoulder. I just stared blankly out at the fire, and my eyes watered, even in my shock. My nose tingled to warn of tears to come. I didn't know what she was going to say, and I wasn't sure I was ready.

"I know you don't wanna hear this ..." she relaxed her shoulders and balled her hands into fists. "I wish I didn't have to say it ... but I do. You'll know one day. It's better that be sooner than later."

I finally sat up on my own, looking at her for only a second, because I didn't want to make her feel self conscious. My eyes raced over the grass. I couldn't seem to look at the fire. I couldn't breathe.

"It was someone I knew ..." she leisurely picked at the grass and tossed it from her fingers, as if to show me that she was used to the impact of those words. She was much more at ease about it than myself. She seemed almost careless in telling me.

She wiped her hand over her face - no tears. Just to bring herself back to the moment.

"I ... well, it was hard for me." She tilted her head back and inhaled through her nose again. A strategy she'd picked up in her years as a soldier. The men around her had trying times in battle, so they had to cope. Xena had her own times to cope, and she was a fast learner. "It didn't last very long ... all the times ... and then I couldn't take it anymore."

I couldn't breathe. I was so tense I was trying not to shake. It hurt me so badly just to think of Xena as a child, crushed in so many ways I could never imagine.

"So ... I taught myself to fight. And I killed him."

I finally brought my hand up to cover my mouth, pressing just under my nose to try and keep my tears inside. I wanted her to share with me, but I didn't know how much longer I could listen to it. I remember feeling selfish - why couldn't I just listen and be there for her? Why did I feel sick?

"But then I couldn't tell anyone ... they thought I was crazy to kill an innocent man ..."

I started to think about it - all the innocent people she'd hurt - killed, even. What had they meant to her?

"I had to run away."

Gods, how old had she been? I didn't want to ask.

"I lived on my own ... I practiced with a sword I stole. I turned vicious toward anyone and everyone, especially as I grew older and caught the attention of others passing through. That was when it really started. When I realized how dead I was inside, for lack of feeling. Nothing helped. None of the killing did a thing. I was just nothing. I had no family. I had no one."

It was just then that I realized my tears had been falling down my face, but I knew she wasn't watching me, so I didn't bother wiping them away. I just focused on the fire, forced to imagine her terrible pain.

"I was ruthless, because I'd trained myself to be that way. From a very young age, I was ruthless. It got me into the wrong crowd, of course, but they were the best protection. I travelled with them, and became accustomed to the lifestyle ..."

I was in such shock I couldn't even fully appreciate how she was opening up to me. I had to keep reminding myself: breathe in, breathe out ... breathe in again, breathe out. I think she'd practiced how she was going to tell me. She wanted to get it all out at once - none of my questions to interrupt her. I don't think she had imagined I wouldn't want to.

"I became a part of that life. I ... darkened myself ... Some days, I was drenched in blood. I was filled with so much rage still ... I was an awful person." At long last, she looked at me, but she pulled her eyes away just as quickly, shutting her eyes. I wonder what she wanted to tell me in that moment - about someone she'd hurt, maybe. But she couldn't say it. "Well ... I did so much I'm not proud of ... I can never atone for that."

Atone. Such a beautiful word and one of great complexity. I looked at her, feeling such sadness. She finally took a deep breath, and looked to me at her side. I don't know exactly what I was telling her in that silent moment, but she finally reached her hand out, and placed it over mine - tense and cold. She was still so warm.

My lip trembled, but I held it together. I looked down and breathed out hard. I was trying to expel that feeling - whatever it was.

"I didn't care about me or anyone else ... I wanted everything to be over." Xena was so certain with her words, even as slowly as she spoke them. "I was wrong ... I know. I always knew it was wrong ... but I couldn't make myself care. I was still so dead inside for so long ... I was empty ..."

I sat there, listening. Trying to control my reactions until she spoke the end of her thought.

"Until you."

I turned quickly to stare at her, incredulous.

"Human ... human was a nonsense word to me ... we were no different than the animals. Me and my squad of men." Then her eyes turned very cold. Icy and tortured. "Please don't ever ask me to forgive myself."

I couldn't believe what she was saying - as if her whole life was suddenly an open book, and yet I couldn't bring myself to read it. I sat, trying to speak. I was so stunned and hurt and confused.

Then she got up.

Somehow, I pulled myself to my feet, and walked after her. I couldn't seem to pull myself any faster, and she seemed to be working her limbs on automatic, so we walked into the forest that way. She moved five feet ahead of me, steadily turning around trees and over fallen logs. She stepped on soft moss, scaled small stone hills, and managed to keep on her feet all the while.

It was like peering into her dreams - unable to control it, but watching it happen. I stayed with her, keeping the same pace until one of the branches wound back and caught my shoulder. I looked to the little scratch, and slapped my face to remind me where I was, and what I needed to do. I needed to catch her and hold her, to keep her from harm. I needed to show her that I would never judge her, and that nothing had changed between us.

She wasn't far ahead of me, but as I picked up my pace, she did too. As I ran, she ran ahead of me - always just out of reach - but I didn't relent. Not for a moment.

"Xena," I called as I ran, all of those walks with her having built my endurance. I could catch her if only I could distract her for a moment. If I could get her to listen. "Xena!" I called again, louder. But all I could see as she ran was that muscular back, turning and twisting to keep quickly on her way. Branches stood in her way, but she didn't bother to duck. She ran with all her heart - with none of her mind. She needed to run, and her feet wouldn't take her fast enough, or far enough. I think that if there had been a cliff, she would have gladly kept on. Never pausing at its edge.

Thankfully, I'd been following, and thankfully there was no mountain cliff for days' travel.

"Xena!" I shouted, but she only slowed for a moment.

I was leaping over fallen items, and ducking under low branches – trying to slow myself through evergreens if they had grown too close, because the pines would graze and scratch at my arms.

All in one motion, she reached back, tore her sword from its sheath, and screamed. I think because a part of her was conscious that I'd followed her, she didn't bother keeping quiet. She screamed as she charged straight ahead, and I knew that any person in their right mind would have been wary to tackle her, but my right mind had long since gone. I was there only for Xena's well-being. Only because I loved her.

It felt like slow motion, the way I finally caught up with her. Her arms came back so aggressively with each stride - her legs longer than mine. Her torso was trained for similar situations, but never this one.

"Xena!" I screamed, which drowned out her own, and she finally slowed just as I pushed off from an old log, and leapt into the air. I caught her with both my arms wrapped around her chest, and we both tumbled to the ground in a mess of arms and legs. But I couldn't be sure I'd brought her to her senses, so I got onto my hands and knees, and wrapped my arms around her again. She only struggled with one burst of energy, and then she cried. Xena cried in a way I had never heard anyone cry before. She sobbed so loudly and cried so heavily that her entire body was put into the task. She was shaking in my arms. I held her tighter, and then much looser, watching her curl up onto her knees. Leaning her head down, into her hands.

I put my hand between her shoulders, and watched her cry herself into a chaotic mess. I watched as she got to her feet and shoved at one of the tall trees so hard that I could swear it leaned.

"Xena!" I shouted with power behind my voice, watching her stop to turn to me. "Xena, stop this ... please. I'm here."

She rested with her back to the tree until she slid down to sit there - arms resting on her knees like before. She caught her breath as I watched those red eyes swell with her sadness. I wanted to cry for her too, but I knew I had to be strong. I got up and lent her my hand.

"Hey ... want me to carry you back?"

She half sobbed and half laughed, finally calming herself. "Don't be funny now, Gabrielle."

"I'm not being funny. You could get on my back ...?"

I could see her sorting out her thoughts, trying to recover back to her usual demeanor, but it was hard for her. She kept shaking her head, as if in answer to questions unheard.

At last, she ran both hands over her face, and laid on her back. I stood at her feet, watching her. She had an ethereal, deadened look to her face and body that made me feel physically ill, but I somehow pushed it down to listen as she spoke to me.

"I know I've pushed you away ... Away from me ..."

"… Yes."

"... But ... I don't even know that anymore. I don't even know myself." She wanted to apologize, but she was afraid her voice would crack. I could see it on her face.

"Why don't we find yourself?" An odd phrase, but I wasn't thinking very clearly.

She looked right at me. "What?"

"Why don't we find you?" I asked with my voice just as strong, to prove it was possible. I crouched down at her feet, and balanced there on mine. "We could go stay someplace, and enjoy the simpler things, Xena. You don't need to fight. It's just what you've always known. Let me ... well, let's go. Together."

"I can't, Gabrielle ..."

"You can."

She was still gone in a sense, lost in thought. So I sat next to her, and put my head on her shoulder. I picked it up when I remembered what she'd told me, and I pulled nervously at my hair.

She sounded numb as she spoke: "I'm sorry I told you all that."

The air was thick with heat in the late afternoon. It was humid and we were both a mess, but she still looked so beautiful in that moment.

"I'm glad you told me." In a small way, I was. I tried to focus on that.

She bit her lip so hard that it started to bleed. She tried to hide that from me, but I'd seen. I just didn't comment.

After she had taken some time to sit and rest, we both got up, and started back to our little camp, where Argo drowsily sniffed at one of the trees. Xena looked everything over, and then she laid on the ground to sleep.

I didn't want to send her into a chaotic frenzy again, but I just had to know who had hurt her. "Xena ... who?"

She turned onto her side, and closed her eyes.

I got down to my knees behind her, putting my hand on her gently. "Who?"

She tugged herself away in frustration and hid her face from me. "Friends of my father. There was more than one of them -okay? Now go to sleep."

The weight of her answer nearly knocked me off my feet. I physically stumbled back, inhaling and holding the air in my lungs. How could she talk about it that way, I wondered. How could she act as if it weren't shocking in every way?

Because she'd lived with it all her life. It wasn't unreal to Xena - it was her reality.

I sunk to my knees, and cried as I crawled over to her. I huddled there next to her, and she finally turned to hold me in HER arms. She held me for all the pain she'd suffered. What sense that makes, I'm not sure, but she was there for me as she always liked to be. I think she liked that I showed so much weakness in that moment.

Her confessions made me feel like there was no safe place in the world. I had never even heard of anything like that before, and yet Xena had lived it. She knew it and she suffered those memories, along with all her other difficult times. I knew I would never really understand. I never could, but I could be there for her when she needed me.

We slept together on the cold grass - exhausted from the day and tired from the secrets finally shared.

For once, the next morning, I woke up before Xena. I opened my eyes to the soft light of the sun as it approached the horizon, and cried again in silence. I swore to myself that I would cope with her confession on my own, but that I would show Xena she didn't have to hide everything from me. I could endure what she wanted to share. I would do everything I could to protect her, as silly as that may have seemed to her.

I turned over very slowly to see that she was genuinely asleep in that uncomfortable position, with her neck craned and her arm having been tucked under my neck. I watched her until the sun crept up and she finally opened her eyes.

"Hey, Watcher."

"Watcher?" I smiled, each of us whispering.

"You watching me ... it's ... nice, I guess." She wasn't smiling, but her voice was so positive I felt that she was.

"I love you," I said again, trying to show her that nothing had changed since she'd opened up to me. "I'm not going anywhere ... I hope you know that. I wanna be here for you."

She re-adjusted herself, stretched, and then laid on her back again. "I know."

She did? When was she confident in that, I wondered. I was so happy she trusted me. "Hey, Xena ... can we just spend the day together?"

"Whatever you wish, Gabrielle."

"... What if I wish for a little cabin out here?"

"Then I guess I'd need an axe."

"You'd kill me?!" I laughed, gasping as I drew back from her only to be pulled snuggly to her side.

"No, fool. To build it for you."

I rested against her, and for once in all the time we'd spent together, I saw a future with Xena. There was so much we had to work out, and yet it didn't seem that difficult lying next to her with my cheek on her chest. That leather always did comfort me.

There wasn't much I could say without upsetting the balance of that morning, so I mostly kept quiet as we waited for the sun to rise more fully into the sky. Then Xena finally took pity on me, and spoke: "This must be killing you."

I smiled, and tried to act offended. "How dare you." But I had started to find that silence was often when I found the most clarity. I was enjoying it more and more, especially as I had so many things to sort out for myself.

"Wanna tell me another one of your stories?"

As I brought my knee up onto her thigh, she rested her hand on it, and listened as I told her a tale of fancy.

"Once upon a time, there were two ancient black bears from the North River ... travelling up toward the Hill of Jesamae ..."

It was an old tale that had been told to me of brotherhood - of animals who looked out for one another, and survived on their protection of those they loved. I knew Xena would enjoy it, and she did. Often when I told her my stories - old or new - she pretended she wasn't particularly invested, but she was hanging on my every word. Looking back, I can see it so clearly, but it was difficult to see it at the time. I'd idealized her so much when we first met. I only slowly gained some insight with each passing day we spent together, and as I told her that story, I wasn't quiet capable then. I still imagined she was laying back to hear another tale, when really Xena was desperate for any other thought to carry. She was tense as she laid there, but I hadn't paid much attention to it at the time. She told me later that she'd cried as I went on and on with my story, thanking the gods that I was with her. Praying that I would always be safe.

Of COURSE she wanted me to tell her a story. The silence must have been driving her to madness with all the despair she felt, but I just hadn't realized it until she'd said something.

As I was finished, she applauded half-heartedly and then pulled me up, on top of her. We laid motionless in that close position for the longest time until we made our way up the road.

There was a quiet cabin somewhere, I told her. She met my promise with a roll of her eyes, and I knew she'd come back to me. With great and sudden happiness, I hugged her and then ran ahead with a skip to my step. I was oblivious to her laughter until I turned around, and then laughed myself.

I shaded my eyes from the sun and continued walking backward, so I could keep my eyes on her. "What?"

She smiled and shook her head in a way that told me her love had grown for me yet again. "Nothing, Gabrielle."

And I took off again, skipping down the road.


	7. Chapter 7

Part 7

Xena actually laughed when I pranced up to a little secluded cabin she insisted was more a shack than anything else. She crossed her arms, incredulous that I'd found exactly what I'd been looking for. She told me that seemed to happen to me a lot. I told her she was just jealous.

When I swung the door open, she was suddenly at my side, pulling me into her. "It's dangerous," she whispered into my ear, stepping ahead of me to make sure that the secluded cabin was, in fact, secluded.

She stepped out to my over-exaggerated smile, and couldn't help from smiling back at me. "Yeah, yeah. It's safe."

"So we can spend the night in there?"

"I don't know about that," she called out as I ran in to tidy the place a little. But she didn't bother to stop me, or put any real emphasis on the possibility of us having to leave at all. I think she liked the idea of us staying there together with a cozy cabin to ourselves.

"Yum yum yum," I squealed happily, blowing dust off the one medium-sized windowsill. I coughed and then moved over to what must have been a tub at some point. But in looking at it, I thought maybe it had morphed into some sort of metallic monster. It was decayed and crumbling at the side. I just shrugged, and kept looking around - spotting a cot just in the corner of the little place.

Xena was feeding Argo as I bursted out of the cabin with giggles, took one of Xena's furs from the back of the saddle, and ran back in with it.

"Yeah, it's not like I need that or anything!" she teased, but I was already inside, laying it on the cot. It fit nicely, I thought. It even looked appetizing, as a spot in which to lay with Xena.

And just as I was thinking that, I felt those strong arms send shivers through me. She was pressed to my back, breathing into my hair. I love you. It was unsaid, but I felt it, and I grinned from ear-to-ear.

"Don't you like it?" I asked.

"It's great," she answered just as happily, swaying with me a little. It made me think of dancing, and I imagined us both in dresses, hands on hands. Arms in arms. I thought of the lovely picture we would make at a party, dancing with one another. Xena was so stunning that I lost my breath just thinking about it.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I blushed, wriggling out of her arms to show her what I'd done with the place in all of two minutes. She wasn't impressed at all with the changes, but she tried to act as if she were. I knew that was a difficult task for her, but I appreciated the effort.

Xena insisted on looking for some wood to use in the old and tiny fireplace, and I thanked her as I went to task, cleaning the dead rabbit she'd killed to eat. When I first asked to help her with the food on our journeys, she laughed at me, but I slowly accustomed myself to the sight. It was never my favourite activity, but she always cut off the heads, and I always cleaned with a steady hand. We were a good team, Xena and I. We were partners.

After I'd taken the frying pan from Xena's things, and started a small fire with the few sticks left in the cabin, I heard a strange noise. Was that an unfamiliar voice? I quietly padded over toward the door, and listened very carefully - my hands still bloody.

"She's a little young, isn't she?"

It was a male voice - cocky and arrogant - but I'd been busy, and hadn't noticed him until just then. I knew Xena was around if anyone else was in close range to me.

"You're an imbecile. She's not that young." Xena sounded annoyed, but not angry as she often did if strangers happened by.

The man's voice was back - were they nearing the cabin? "Oh? And how young?"

"I ... I don't know. I ... never asked her." Nineteen, I echoed in my head, keeping quiet. But Xena couldn't have been more than twenty-five summers herself.

Then the man laughed, and it sounded as if he was pacing. "Cute, but my dear ... not quite your taste, now, is she? A little too ... naive, shall we say? Uncertain perhaps ... uneducated in the ways of a ... hungry warrior, isn't that right?"

"Watch it," Xena hissed, and I was very surprised. It sounded like they'd been close at some time, and she was defending my honor to an equal of hers. I'd never heard her do that before.

I tried not to make any sounds, because I didn't want them to know I was listening. I knew it was wrong, but I was unforgivably curious.

"When you're done with her ... you let me know."

Xena was glaring at him. I can't explain how, but I could feel her anger. "That's not funny, Ares."

Ares Ares. Where had I heard that name before. God of War, Ares?! I consciously evened my breathing, but I couldn't help from a little sound escaping in surprise. They were both quiet for a moment, and then their voices sounded farther off. I'm sure if he'd even looked toward the little cabin once, Xena had dragged him away. Still, I could hear them argue.

Xena sighed. "I'm not going. So quit asking."

"You know you want to. You're just distracted by this ... whore-"

And then I heard a slap. I hoped then that it wasn't Xena who was hit, but I hadn't been thinking properly. I also hadn't known anything about their relationship. Xena had obviously been the one to slap Ares.

"Unless you want this boot up your ass, you'd better get lost."

Ares purred playfully, although it wasn't well-received, I'm sure. "Kinky."

There was some rustling of leaves, as they crunched under two very powerful sets of feet.

"You know it's in you," Ares taunted, the voices a little further away still. "It's in your blood, isn't it, Xena? ... Having trouble sleeping? ... Have an itch that you just ... can't ... scratch?"

"Enough!" Xena yelled, and I bolted out the door, because it was a natural instinct. I had that same urge to protect Xena as she had to protect me. I was panting as I had finally revealed myself to them - the warriors standing across from one another. Xena's grip was on Ares's arms, but her head was turned to me. "... Gabrielle."

"So that's your name?" Ares smiled, pushing past Xena to saunter over to my spot beside the cabin.

I didn't know what to do or say, so I just stood there, hands bloodied.

"Don't worry, I won't hurt you," he said, stalking a little closer. "I'm just here for Xena."

"And he was just leaving," she clarified, standing just about as close as she could get without touching him. Her right hand was at her chakram. His was on the base of his sword.

"Influencing the girl already, I see ..." he grinned. "But then ... a little blood never hurt anybody ..."

Xena's nostrils flared, and I watched them both very carefully. It seemed that he was in tune to something I didn't understand, and I didn't know what to say so I simply called out to her. "Xena ...?"

Finally, Ares relented, and clapped his hands together. "Always nice seeing you, Xe-na ..."

And with that, he was gone - disappeared into thin air. I looked with shock to my partner.

"God of War, long story." She huffed, stomping past me to the little cabin, not even bothering to glance over her shoulder at my dirtied hands. "There's a stream just east of here."

I hurried in after her, wondering why she was so upset. Reading her like I always did. "Xena ... I was just cutting up the rest of dinner-"

"I'm doing it," she exhaled, trying to get a handle on her aggression toward the previous conversation. She leaned onto the small block table, and then looked over to me. "Please, Gabrielle."

What a magical word that was, coming from her lips. I took an old, rickety bucket from beside the tub, and looked at her just once more. "I wanna hear about that later."

She agreed with her silence.

By the time I had come back with some water - and my hands clean from any mess - she'd already cooked everything. She was just keeping it warm over the fire.

And just then I realized she'd let me wander off on my own. Yes, that was what I thought: LET me. She often was too protective to let me go off anywhere alone. "Xena ... I have the water."

She smiled at me, lying on the floor on her side. "Good."

I set it down just as she was looking at me - staring, more like.

"You're not so naïve, you know."

I pulled a face as if to say 'you think?!' but I didn't say a word. I just drifted over to her, and sat in front of the fire, seeing that she'd set her other cushioned fur down on the floor there.

"Ares had it all wrong, Gabrielle ... he doesn't know anything about you."

"You're getting good at this reassurance stuff," I smirked, catching her fingers at my sides while she tickled me with ease. I was quickly lying on the floor with her, both of us looking to the pan. We were getting hungry, but she had her mind on our conversation, so she didn't move.

"He just doesn't understand."

"And maybe ... I don't understand what HE was talking about ...?"

The look in her eyes was a hidden sort of pain. "I hope you never do." There was a darkness to their history, and she tried so desperately to keep from talking with me about it. I knew it was there at the forefront of her mind, and I knew he had become accustomed to talking about such things, but she wanted to shield me from it.

With only silence left between us, we ate at last, tossing playful smiles to one another. I trusted her; I loved her. I was so glad she had opened up to me in her small way about Ares, and how she felt about his claims. It made me want to be honest about something I'd been holding back.

I snuggled close to her as the sun was setting - hidden away in that abandoned cabin - and gave her sides a squeeze. She didn't react except for a hand gently pulling my hair over my neck.

"Xena ... I didn't mean to say no so quickly ... You know. A while back. It was just sudden, and ... I was shy."

She stilled everything, and I was glad to be listening to her heart beat. It remained steady, and that was a comfort. "You had every right, Gabrielle."

"I was just-"

"That's your right, and I will always respect that."

I frowned when I reminded myself of the confession she'd given me the night before. I felt her arm on my back, and I shut my eyes, wondering if she had said no when she was a child all that time ago, or if she was given the chance. I wondered how badly I had affected her just by mentioning it, feeling selfish. But then, I really had wanted to talk to her about it. Would that subject of her past always give me such confusing guilt and remorse?

I wondered what she might say, or if she might be just as troubled as I finally picked my head up. I was shocked to see that she was sleeping. Of all things - sleeping. I hated that she was used to that devastating time in her past, but I knew it was better that way, so I closed my eyes and finally managed sleep myself.

That first day had been so wonderful with just the two of us, that I pleaded with her to stay another day. I knew she wanted to stay too, but I liked to give her the power to decide. She didn't need much prompting, and we lounged around for another day. Kissing, lying in the sun, teasing and cuddling.

It was as if what she'd told me had disappeared completely. It was ignored by both of us, and we continued as if Xena hadn't made herself quite as vulnerable. She was grateful I didn't ask any questions, I could tell, and she welcomed my kisses and playful touches. I think it was a welcome distraction from everything that was going on in her thoughts.

In the bitter cold night air, I heard something outside that night, and I slowly extricated myself from those powerful arms I knew so well. I didn't want to trouble Xena, so I tiptoed to the door, listening carefully to leaves rustled by the wind. And then the sound of something I couldn't quite understand - was someone clearing their throat? I held my breath and glanced back at Xena before I gently pushed the door open to see the same man standing in front of the cabin. It was Ares. My eyes went wide - should I wake Xena? Had he come to tell Xena something? Maybe I should wake her, I figured - pausing as he gestured for me to come closer.

Without understanding it myself, I felt urged toward him, and I very cautiously stepped further away from my seclusion with Xena - closer to the God of War. It was a strange sensation, and he could certainly sense my hesitation.

He grinned in a way that told me he'd been doing it that way for years. He was arrogant and confident to a fault, but he didn't look to be dangerous.

"I won't hurt you," he insisted quietly, pressing his palms together just as he looked over my shoulder to make sure once again that we were alone. "I just ... wanted to see if I couldn't ... influence you ... to influence my best warrior."

"Into fighting something she doesn't want to fight?" The audacity! I know. I felt brave, though. Well, brave and scared, but I wanted to protect Xena.

He lifted his brows at my daringl debate, and pulled a face that showed he respected me a little more for it. "Nice one, princess. But there's a little more to it ... than that."

"What?" My curiosity often overtook my common sense or my caution. I was looking at him closely then, trying to read him as I read Xena. But they were too different. I didn't understand his silences at all.

He brushed his fingers over the facial hair at his chin, and smiled at me. "You're not so bad looking, after all ..."

Ignoring his comment, I pursued again: "What? Tell me."

Disappointed I hadn't drawn back or showed him hesitation, he sighed. "She owes me. She owes me and Fallyn's men. She needs to fight for us like only she can ... I'm sure you could understand that."

"She's special," I agreed quietly, my voice so soft it contrasted his - even in our whispers. "But she doesn't need to fight."

"Au contraire, my little ... maiden." But as he looked more closely at me, he could see just how much I cared for her, and he aimed to use it against me. He rested his hands on his slender hips, and tried to keep from smiling. His lips had a way of always giving him a sly expression, no matter his intention. "Or ... you could help us, I suppose."

I frowned. "What do you mean by that?"

"Oh, not by your own doing," he chuckled, with an idea in his mind that I tried to grasp. I hated that I'd given him an idea that I knew nothing about.

He took a step back, but I lunged forward and grabbed his arm.

"Hey - wait. What're you talking about?"

"We need her talent ..." he muttered, something catching his eye from behind me.

I turned to see Xena standing there, and my breath caught in my throat. Would she think I had betrayed her? Would this do some damage to all the progress we'd made together? And then I realized my hand was no longer clinging to the God of War. I whipped back around to see him backing away - both arms up to form a shrug.

"Nothing more to say ... goodnight ..."

He disappeared with a snap, and I felt so disappointed with myself. I hadn't gathered any pertinent information, and now Xena would suspect something. I wished I had been able to wake her and tell her myself, so she knew I intended to do just that.

She looked at me from about fifty feet off, and she was reading my body language - my face most of all. Without hesitation, I ran over to her, as certain as I could be that she would accept me there. I threw my arms around her neck and breathed into her.

"Xena ... I wanna know what's going on."

"Why Ares is stealing you away from me in the middle of the night?" she asked, her arms loosely hanging at her sides while I held on tight. "I'd like to know, too."

I kept myself pressed to her as I told her everything he'd said from memory, and then her arms slowly embraced me. She held onto me, and waited as she lost herself in thought.

We both stood silently together until she spoke again: "Gabrielle ... I think I should fight."

"No way, Xena! ... We've had such a wonderful time these past few days ... just BEING together. That doesn't have to change. So much is coming out ... we're so close ..."

I looked into her eyes, and smiled at her so earnestly that she smiled right back.

She sighed though, after. "Gabrielle ... I can't risk all of this to stand my ground. I don't have a problem with fighting."

"Well I have a problem with Ares trying to transform you into his personal fighting tool!" I said, loudly enough that he could hear if he were still around. I wanted everyone to hear that I wouldn't take that. "You were JUST beginning to cope with ... with all of this ... with everything that troubles you, Xena ... and you mean to tell me he can just rip you away from me like that?"

I snapped as I finished my question, emphasizing my point. It was as easy for Ares as that.

Xena looked down. "Look ... I don't know what to say, Gabrielle ... he'll find a way to get what he wants. All those reckless types ... they always do. I know how it is." She was worried about me. I knew that.

"Xena ... we'll be fine. I think we just need to get away from here."

"Like he won't find us ... Gabrielle, he's a deity. He would find us if we dug underground for cover."

"We have to try."

She sighed as I held each of her hands in mine, forever hopeful. She smiled in a way so tortured it looked more saddening than it was joyful.

Again, I insisted to her: "We have to try."

She gave in to my insistence, finally holding me under her arm, as I usually tucked quite nicely there. She was uncertain, and she didn't talk to me much that night or the next morning. She was quiet, swimming in her own thoughts, and more aware of her surroundings than usual. And that was saying a lot for Xena. Her ears would pick up the smallest sounds from far off. Her eyes were quick to spot insects from down the road, crawling a little too suspiciously for her liking.

I laughed lovingly at her concerns, even as she held her hand down to me, asking me to ride with her.

"Gabrielle, I don't feel safe with you walking around while I ride."

Of course, she ended up on her feet, and I began to see just how firm of a grasp I really had on her. It was difficult to understand that I meant so much to her, and yet she couldn't voice the way she felt. I silently reached out for her hand, and she took it. Her other hand was wrapped with Argo's reins.

I think she was enjoying words. I know that might sound strange, but the more she spoke with me, the more it seemed to be natural for her to speak so openly. Almost as if she'd done it all her life.

We were having a lovely conversation on the road as I suddenly tugged on her hand. I had to relieve myself, but I knew she wouldn't let me slink off behind a tree alone.

"Xena ... I know you're worried, but ... I really have to go."

"That's fine," she said, clicking with a sound just under her tongue to signal for her horse to stay put. Then she turned to me and gestured into the woods. "Let's go."

"You're not gonna watch me," I laughed, touched with her protection over me. I had thought it was over-kill at the time, blushing as she stood with her feet braced as I squatted before her. "Come on ... sing or something. You'll hear me."

"You've never been so shy before." I think she would have found my blushing quite amusing if she hadn't been so otherwise distracted - her eyes racing over the location.

I rolled my eyes and finally let loose. The stream was interrupted when she whipped around, but then I sighed.

"Xena! You're making me crazy! I can't even go when you're like this ... come on."

But she stayed right there with me, even hoisting my up over her shoulder on our way back to the road when I started to whine about it. She did what she knew was best for me, even when I gave her a hard time. Little had I known just how necessary her protection was.

It was a day and a half until I would find out. A day and a half until her back was turned, an opportunity presented itself, and I was grabbed - gagged and tied - to be thrown into the back of an old hay wagon. It's amazing how well hay muffles noise.

As she turned around, I'm sure she was in a panic. A part of me is glad I wasn't there to see the look on her face. It pains me enough just to imagine it.

The bumpy ride to a large, empty field was long and disappointing. I hadn't meant to be a target, but it was clear that I was. Xena had known what was best for me, and I had fought that. I'd been taken as leverage - that much was clear - and there I was, laying in hay with my ankles and wrists tied together. I tried squirming and loosening the knots, but it was no use. Just as I felt they were giving way, I felt hands tugging at my legs. I was pulled from the wagon, and then hands closed over my arms - one man on each side of me. I was trying to walk for myself, but they were moving too fast, and my feet were tied. I was simply dragged along with them.

Once we'd reached the top of a rather steep hill, I recognized one of four men. Ares.

"Now it begins," he said, chuckling to the man on his left as their expressions went from indifference to anger and a twisted comfort in oncoming violence. One of the men raised his sword, and my eyes went wide as men from down right of the hill began to appear from behind the trees.

Was this a battle of the likes of Xena's stories? I had never been so close, and the panic in my chest rose with each passing breath. I was terrified as my eyes skimmed over the weaponry. The armor. This was Xena's greatest comfort - my worst fear - to look death in the eye. I had so much I still wanted from life, and so much I didn't know. My eyes teared shamefully as Ares's voice rang in my ears.

"If she's harmed ... Xena will have my head ... so let's be careful with her," he laughed, finally pulling the gag from between my lips.

I stretched my jaw and licked my lips, looking out around me and behind me, where another league of men was approaching.

Ares sighed as he watched my face. "Such a shame to see this kind of innocence go to waste ..."

I glared at him.

"Knowing you of all people would kill for her ... tsk tsk tsk."

How he knew that I'm not sure, but it was true. I knew it even then, so I said nothing. I just shivered with fear as the men on either side of the hill were approaching, and Ares's accomplices hurried down to their side of the hill. They were there to fight each other, I knew, but being in the middle of such a scene could be most fatal.

"Oh, Xena! How nice of you to show," Ares smiled, pulling my back to his chest as I stumbled against him. I pulled at my feet, but the knots of the material wouldn't budge even in the slightest. I felt so incapable, and so worried for her. I wanted to tell her to run away, but I knew that was no use. Ares just drawled in as irritating a voice as I could imagine: "What a coincidence ..."

She walked with such purpose. Each foot down was a push against the earth - as if she could move it from its orbit with only her intent to do so. Her eyes glaring the way they did - I think even Ares had realized what a mistake he'd made.

With a snap of her wrist, her chakram was sent reeling straight into the dirt - precisely landing between my ankles to cut them loose at last. I sprinted off toward her with my hands still tied behind my back, and she held me to her body with one hand as she kept running ahead with force. She ran to her chakram, pulled it out of the ground, and then turned me to cut my wrists loose, too. She kept me close as she hurried down toward Fallyn's infantry, spinning and then waiting as the crowd pushed past us. She didn't want to be in the front line with me at her side, but there was no time to run through the entire crowd of men, either.

She kept me at her back, her eyes searching out as the men came up, over the hill and fought with Fallyn's men. She was most often peacefully centered on a battlefield, but there with me, she was panicked. I could sense it as I stood there, uncertain as to what I should say or do. Did she think I would just know? Would I?

I had asked her about battle so many times before as we were sparring, but this was so immediate and so vicious - I was terrified. This was no game. Men were dying. Limbs were severed. I wanted to cry at all of the blood soaking into the earth.

The first man to attack Xena went out without much fight as her sword sliced through the air. The next was more difficult only because two others came just after. Xena turned, pulling me with her - her hand pressing down on my back to keep me low when she needed it. She communicated with me by touch, pushing or pulling when she saw fit. I was grateful that she was telling me where to go, in a sense. I called out to her once or twice to warn her of someone coming toward her from behind.

I really wish I could have seen the image we made there - me flipping over her back as she ducked and threw me there - our hair clashing mid-air. Her sword lifted, cutting, rescuing us. Her arms ripping with that musculature that seemed of the Gods. She was on defense, as opposed to her usual offensive posture. She wasn't fighting anything in particular. She was fighting for us. She was fighting against everything else.

By the time Fallyn's men had won, I was a wreck. I was so scared of what I'd seen, and scared that this had been a part of her for so long. What would that do to a person, I wondered. Xena's cold demeanor was beginning to make a lot more sense as I watched her coldly step over newly-dead bodies to drop her sword and tilt her chin up to the sky.

I looked around, and no one even seemed to notice. They were all busy with their own rituals, or tended to if their wounds were gruesome enough. I winced as I looked to my feet and saw the mess. I was covered with sprays of blood, and it sickened me. Xena had been right - I wasn't ready for this. I could have killed to defend her, but marching into battle? I didn't think I would ever be ready for that.

As Xena looked around us with suspicion, I just watched her clench her fists.

"Ares?" she'd spoken loud enough that I heard, even as far from me as she was.

"It still amazes me that you can do that," he smirked as he snapped into sight, and I took a few steps closer - being very careful not to step on anything. I realized my breathing was still uneven. I was so shaken.

"If you ever try anything like that-"

But he put his fingers to her lips, and then she was fuming. She caught those fingers in her hand, and bent them back until he was on his knee, laughing to try and disperse her serious anger.

"If you EVER ... try anything like that again ... I swear to the Gods above that I will destroy you."

I watched her very closely. That was not the Xena I knew. That was the darkness in her past that was speaking - the part that WAS fully capable of killing on a whim. Ares and I both knew she was quite capable of defeating anything, and if she set her mind to defeating him, his immortality would be in serious danger.

He tried to laugh the situation off, but when she put her other hand to his throat, he finally stuttered his apology.

"S-s-sorry ..." he choked, "I said I was sorry ..."

"You'll say it to her," Xena mumbled, but I was close enough to hear it.

As she spun around with Ares in her grasp, she was surprised I was so close. I could see she wondered if I'd heard everything, but she didn't ask. She looked to Ares, and he rolled his eyes.

Seeing his attitude, she pushed her arm out, and then tucked her elbow swiftly into his abdomen as he stifled out a cry in agony.

"Aghhh! O ... kay ..." He stood up again, glaring at Xena, and then looking to me. "Sorry … to … put you through this." I could tell he was not accustomed to apologies, but it seemed sincere enough. Maybe he was sorry he'd angered Xena like he had. I could tell he liked her, in a strange sort of way. They definitely had a history about them.

I nodded, "Okay." Then I looked to Xena, trying to distract her from her sensational anger. "Can we get out of here ...?"

She released Ares to grab onto my arm, walking off the field with me as I hopped over corpses in my way - going as quickly as my smaller feet would take me.

She was a mess as we reached the outskirt of trees, and she was nearly dragging me behind her with her quick, steady pace.

"Xena ..." I was tripping over tree roots when she finally turned to me, comforted by the darkness the shade afforded us. Her jaw was clenched, and she looked down to her hands. She was frenzied, pacing.

"They always die ..."

I read the movement of her jaw, and I wanted to know just how far back her sadness had gone. Who always died? But I kept quiet, waiting for her to tell me.

"Everyone," she breathed, unsheathing her sword just to sink it into the ground - crouching next to it. She wordlessly put her hands at its grip, balancing herself there. It looked as if she were praying. Xena - praying?

When she finally looked up to me again, she had such an expression in those eyes. She wanted to tell me she loved me. I could feel it.

"Xena ... who?" I crouched down next to her, touching her face just as she tore it from my grasp. "Please ... talk to me."

"Everyone I said it to ... the few there were ... they're all dead."

She let that sink in for a minute, and my eyebrows relaxed in realization. Everyone to whom she had confessed her love? That's the death she was speaking of? In one sense, at least.

"Xena ..." I wanted her to explain, and she understood.

"Gabrielle ..." Her breathing was so rapid I worried, but she was expert at calming herself, and she worked at it as she spoke to me. "It's been ... easy enough for me to ... play as if you don't mean everything to me ..."

My lips fell apart in awe as I listened - slowly understanding.

"Easy enough for others to simply pass us by ... but if they knew how I felt for you ... if I let you know it, too ..."

"You think I would die?"

She turned so quickly to look at me that I was startled. "I know it. Gabrielle ... I'm a target. I know that, but it's just me. It's always been me, and I can deal with me ... If they threatened you ... or hurt you, Gabrielle ..."

Immediately, I understood. She'd only been worried all this time.

"That would be it ... And once I say it ... I won't be able to hide it ... Not even a little ..." The tears in her eyes obeyed her desires to remain relatively unemotional, and subsided once again as she stared at the base of her sword. She was looking anywhere but to me.

"Xena ... that won't happen to me."

I tried reaching out to put my hand on hers, but she bolted up, and shouted her anger: "It just DID!"

Everything seemed to go quiet for a moment as her voice echoed, until nature reassured itself and went on living. I sat back on the grass, and clasped my hands to keep my arms tight around my legs. Xena's tortured cries didn't startle me - not once I'd really gotten to know her. The last thing she would have ever done was hurt me.

Xena was angry with herself.

She ran her hands through her knotted hair, and then squeezed her hands to her hips, her fingers no doubt digging in to try and ease her explosive rage. She was always so different around me.

"Xena ... nothing bad happened to me."

"Not this time," she muttered, then wiping her hand roughly over her face.

I finally got up to my feet, and then noticed all of the blood on me again and cringed. She must have picked up my expression, because she insisted we go for a swim together.

"I need to think," she offered as explanation for her distracted direction. She walked with me to the nearest body of water we could find, which wasn't close. I think the walk did us some good.

At the lake's edge, I undid my top, and shuffled out of it just as I started on my skirt. I wanted out of the soiled clothes - to just be in the water with my thoughts for a moment - but I brought them in with me to wash out the blood.

As I was naked at last, I drifted in all the way, and dunked underneath it completely before floating to the surface again. I took in a deep breath, and looked up at the bright sky. I was still alive, and it felt beautiful. Every moment was given more meaning after I'd been so close to death. And as I looked over to Xena at the shore, a little smile tugged at my lips. Loving her was worth the danger.

She was slowly inching her way in, still clothed in her little under-dress - her leathers abandoned at shore. The beige garment quickly went transparent at her thighs as she stepped into the lake. "You know ... once I say it ... that's it." She was drawn to me.

I caught the agony in her eyes, and I swam to stand in the rocky sand to keep steady. "Xena ..."

"I'm serious, Gabrielle ... it happens just like that."

"Can I get a kiss first?"

She was angry that I was teasing, so I quickly corrected my tone.

"Xena - I only mean to say that ... well ... it's worth the moments of uncertainty ... to KNOW that you love me. To hear it ..."

She drew in a quick breath as she submerged herself in the water, up to her neck, and swam to me. She hooked her arms around me as she stood, with my legs wrapped around her sides. I felt so much taller in that moment, smiling down at her.

"I think you under-estimate your skills as a warrior," I smiled earnestly. "You're quite protective over me ..."

She pulled me closer - pressing her cheek to my chest as she inhaled. It was such an honest moment of her love. Proving that it was there, even without the words.

And then she surprised me. She pulled back again, caught my eye, and supported me in the soft, rippling wash of the waves.

"... I love you, Gabrielle."

The tears came so quickly I didn't even notice they hadn't been there all along. I cupped her face and my lips trembled, staring down at her ever-present bravery and warmth. "I love you, too ... I love you so much."

My tears fell onto her chest, but she didn't seem distracted. She simply lowered me into the water with her, and she kissed me. With both hands holding me close, she kissed me so softly it was a mess of lips. It was delicate and foreign. It was beautiful.

"I love you," she whispered again, lifting her hands to my breasts, just to touch them before she moved them to my sides, my back. Soon her hands tucked under my bottom, holding me to her. Her voice was raspy and sure. "I love you ..."

I pulled her hair off her shoulder as I leaned closer still, and brushed my lips just as softly over her neck. It was so incredible to feel her and kiss her so tenderly that I hadn't noticed she'd lifted me out of the water - walking to the shore with my legs still pressed to her hips. I sensed the change as she lowered us both to the sand, laying me on my back.

I had never felt love so softly in all of our time together. Her fingers had this way of drifting over my sensitive flesh in a way so soothing they seemed to blanket over me. Her lips had been dry, but with the water's nourishment, they were cool and hydrated - tracing down my stomach. Tickling the small trail of hairs to her favorite spot just between my legs.

It was so beautiful that it almost didn't feel like sex at all. She made love to me in the gentlest way I could have ever imagined, never pinning my hands to the ground, but feeling my wrists with the palm of her hands. She never pushed inside of me, but her fingers massaged me so affectionately that they made their way inside - intimately pleasing me like only she could.

She surprised me with her devotion to me then. She took such time and caution with me that I felt loved in a way that satisfied my soul. It was all-encompassing, the way she touched me and looked at me. The way she whispered "I love you" over and over. The way her words had come to life - it was something of story tales. It felt impossible, but it was true.

I flipped her after she'd proven her love for me to her liking, and I showed her all the tenderness I had for her. I wasn't shy to be gentle or cautious with her, either. We were equals, and I just as affectionate.

I'm not sure how long we laid together - kissing and touching in the most beautiful way - but it must have been hours. The sky was clouded over once we finally stopped to rest, and the sky a tone darker. I remember the way she held me to her side in the sand there. Her arms were a little rigid, and her breathing was irregular.

"You're scared," I whispered, feeling it off of her as I lay with my eyes closed.

"You can't ... die."

I breathed in and then out. "Everybody dies, Xena. There's life, and there's-"

"No." Her voice was certainly commanding. I listened to her breathe as she tried to calm herself again, even when it only seemed she was getting worked up. "No, Gabrielle ... not you."

I held onto her a little tighter, and opened my eyes to her neck. Thinking of kissing it again.

"So long as I'm alive ... nothing happens to you."

I had no idea the pain she must have felt from others falling to an early death - those she loved. I didn't pretend I understood. I simply breathed in and out with her.

"I will do everything in my power to make you safe. Always."

I smiled, "That sounds beautiful, Xena." Make me safe, huh? I smiled at the way she worded such things, and then closed my eyes again. If anyone could protect me, it was Xena. "I trust you."

I know she must have felt a great weight upon her then, but she did well to hide it from me. She even relaxed herself, and closed her eyes there with me, listening still. Out in the open, we were an easy mark. Xena was careful, but she was comforting me too, soothing me to sleep.

The next noise I remember was a voice I recognized. One that rattled me from my sleep.

"THAT'S the ONE thing you want?" It was Ares's voice, and even as he was whispering from far off, I could hear it. The water had calmed so considerably that voices from anywhere nearby were audible. "Xena, Xena, Xena ..."

"Look over her."

"And you?" he laughed, keeping his tone down when she glared at him, I'm guessing. "Not that the mighty warrior herself needs all that ..."

But her tone was so serious it was chilling. "When I'm gone ... you look after her. For me."

He wasn't laughing anymore.

"Whatever happens ... honor me, Ares, by doing this. Promise me you'll do as I ask."

"Xena-"

"Whatever it takes, you keep her safe."

I didn't know much about him then, or that taking me had only been a game to him, but he loved Xena in his own way, and so he finally accepted their agreement. I heard the grasp of their hands, and then Xena's voice was next.

"I forgive you," she said evenly. "Now quit playing around with her."

"She's no good for you," he teased, the smirk back in its place, I'm sure. "That child. She knows nothing." He likely figured a life of violence was all Xena would want, but he didn't know her the way I knew her.

"Say what you want," she said back, the hint of a smile to her voice.

As much as he teased her about me, I had earned a certain respect in his eyes for having gained Xena's. At last, he snapped his fingers, and took a step back as he disappeared from sight. "Till next time ... Xe-na ..."

I stayed with my pretended sleep as she shifted around once he'd left. I was convincing, I know, because she finally sat down beside me, and then laid soflty against me. Her cheek pressed onto MY chest for a change, and her arm draped across my abdomen. I felt strong as she laid that way with me, smiling only after I was certain her chin was tilted down and her eyes were closed. She relaxed with me there, and let herself drift off into a light sleep - her in her leathers again, and me fully dressed. When had that happened?

Xena was often a mystery to me - she and her many skills.

"I love you, Gabrielle ..." she whispered so quietly, the wind almost whisked it away. But there it was, dancing along my ear. Perfect in every sense.

I let her words send me into sleep - calming me, reassuring me, protecting me.


	8. Chapter 8

Part 8

I watched her perch there before the water, looking down with all of her mighty expertise. She could catch fish as easily as anyone breathed. She wasn't strategizing. She was lost in thought, and I drew many similarities to the picture I painted in my mind of a younger Xena.

She was troubled in her youth, on her own. The more she shared with me about her loneliness, the clearer the image became. With nowhere to be and no one to love, she would sit - perched on old farm fences. She squatted on rocks, laying in the lake. She was looking out with no conscious aim. She was waiting for something that never came. She walked with no destination and breathed despite her desires to simply pass away as the seasons shrivelled the leaves. She wanted reason and strength and courage, but all she felt was that unbearable emptiness.

I listened to her on nights when she would share something from her past - a little piece I could slip into place with the others, deducing the picture she made as a young woman on her own. Younger than I cared to admit, with her ragged black hair contrasting that tanned hue to her skin she likely held as a child. Her straight jaw defining her otherwise girlish looks. I could imagine her that way, but it hurt me to know how she had been hurting - learning not to cry. Teaching herself to fight because it was all she could do to keep the anger from fighting her, too.

Some nights, I played with her hair while she sat looking at the fire, confessing her honest answers to me if I had the stomach to ask my questions. She would tell me anything I asked, so I only asked what I could bear to know.

I wanted her to be able to speak, but it hurt just to listen. I wouldn't write the details for all to read, because they were secrets she trusted with only me. That part of the story will die with me, and I'm glad for that, because they upset us both so terribly.

It felt lovely to be there for her, though, as she finally started to attach emotions to the things she told me. She'd been so young when she'd run away. Younger than half my age when I'd left, and I was so innocent when we'd met.

I honestly can't imagine how I would have felt or how I might have acted if I'd been through half of the atrocities she'd been through in her life. I don't know that I would have made it through at all. But there she was, lying in my arms at night, or holding me in hers. She could possess such strength when all she wanted was to cry on my shoulder. I respected her for that, but I wanted her to let go, too. I wanted her to know she could.

"I ... I had grown fond of her." Maela - an Amazon from years past, back when Xena was much younger and more naive.

I rubbed my hand against her as she talked to me, and I listened closely.

"Which just hurt me in the end ... after she'd used my weakness to care for her against me ... she sold me. Imagine that. A warrior ... sold. But she'd made a deal, and left me to ... to a small gathering of men." The phrase left a bitter taste in her mouth, but I could see they hadn't hurt her. They simply reminded her of her past.

She was like another person in my arms then as she showed a vulnerable side to me I hadn't seen before - shedding her old skin for new. She looked hurt - and she showed me that with her expression. Anyone could have seen her feelings then, and I was so proud of her for allowing herself to be vulnerable, even when it wasn't easy.

"Not that they could hurt me ... I was too quick for them ... and strong." It reminded her of her terrible childhood. "Those bastards got what they deserved."

And then I said something that shocked her completely: "I wish I could have done that."

"Gabrielle ..."

I surprised her, I know. I surprised myself too, but it was true. "I would have done that for you."

There was a flash of fear in her eyes, because she believed me. I would have killed someone for hurting her, and she was terrified in that moment at the influence she'd had over me. I was capable, and I got to my feet to look at her. I stood strong then, to prove it to her. My shoulders were pushed back in that subtle way she often did it. I wanted her to know how I felt for her, and that I could protect her, too.

"Xena ... if I could meet those men from your past ..." There was some silence as we just looked to one another: "I would kill them."

She hated those words coming from my mouth. She even winced as I spoke, slowly getting to her own feet. "Gabrielle, I don't want you to do that for me ... I don't. And they're ... gone, anyway." She reached out to me, her hand resting on my shoulder. She smiled affectionately at my anger. "I do appreciate the enthusiasm ... but that's settled."

It wasn't settled - not for either of us - but I nodded and dipped my head so that my chin kissed my chest. It was so hard for me to know about her hardships, and yet be powerless to help her. At least, I thought I could do nothing. I suppose I didn't count my attentions as much, but she lifted my face, and pulled me in for an encompassing hug. Her hand was laid at the back of my head, and I embraced the touch, too. My hands pressed to her upper back, and I smiled despite my grief. She was everything to me.

"Promise me you'll never kill anyone unless it's self defense," she asked. And she WAS asking. I could feel her tone in the way she spoke to me, and I was comforted by her care for me. She knew I was becoming quite capable.

"But you fight all the time ... that's what you do."

"Yes," she answered. "Me."

Her hold on me had loosened a little, and I just held tighter: "Why?"

"Gabrielle ... I never want you to have to live with this ... with all of this regret."

She regretted her life? I wondered how much. I wondered what I could say to her, or if that would change anything at all. I just kept holding her. I wanted to make love to her in that moment, just as we had so many times since she'd told me she loved me. It had become her saviour, I know. She told me often enough as our lips touched or as she held me afterward. I loved that she enjoyed being so soft with me.

At the same time, I was still curious about her other moods after fighting. I wondered if she held all of that more aggressive want under the surface, or if she'd abandoned it altogether.

How did my mind get onto that topic? I shut my eyes tighter, and drew back with my hands clasped behind her neck. "Okay ... I promise."

"But if you're defending yourself ... well, that's different."

I'm sure that was how she had justified what she'd done as a child. And I was thankful that had helped in some small way - it HAD been self defense.

I asked her over to the fire that night, and told her a story of horse's magic. I knew she was partial to stories of horses because of her favorite animal in all the world - Argo. I often gave the horses similar characteristics to hers just for fun, but she just as quickly caught my intention, and laughed as I went on with my tale. She was always so quick-witted. So intelligent and complex in her expertise.

I loved how quickly her beautiful lips could turn up as I told a tale of mischief, just as they turned down with troubled parts. She was so expressive with me that I was surprised she'd ever been able to hold it in before.

One night I laid with her as I told her a tale on a small hill. We had snuggled up close, and fallen asleep that way - tangled in each other's arms - as the soft wind breezed over our fur blanket.

Late after the sun had set, I was woken by a wanton dream I'd had, and my sleeplessness turned to a curious desire. I know it was stupid, but I couldn't seem to help myself. After trying to get back to sleep, I quietly straddled Xena, and leaned over her soft, resting lips. I looked at her in her sleep - so serene - and felt a little uncertain, but determined to do what I'd been thinking of all evening. I wanted to do with her what she'd done with me so secretly before.

I thought to the day's events, and how she'd looked at me so many times but felt the timing was off. How I had wanted her touch ...

I held myself up on all fours - perched over her - and looked down at her beautiful face as I fantasized about how she might lick me or move those agile fingers inside of me. Was that what she thought of when she'd looked at me all that time ago? Getting off on the images alone?

I slipped my own hand into the top of my skirt - touching my naked flesh - and I pleasured myself while I looked at Xena's body, fully clothed. I can't really describe what came over me, but I think I wanted to prove to myself that I was as passionate and excitable as Xena had been when she'd done just the same thing only weeks ago. It felt fantastic. I was so wet that I smiled as my fingers rubbed that delicate spot on which Xena loved to focus. My mind drifted quite nicely to the knowing way she sent me to climax time and time again. Those hands, that mouth ...

"Watch your breathing."

I gasped and leapt off of her as she spoke, tumbling a few feet down the hill in a clumsy twist of limbs. When I slowly picked myself up to her spot on the grass, I could see her slanted grin from the moonlight.

She laid unmoved. "If you want to do that without my knowing ... you'll have to control your breathing."

I was mortified, covering my face with my hand as I sat in the dark. "Xena ..." I was about to apologize, but before I knew what was happening, she pushed me on my back.

Her hands were ridding me of the cloth under my skirt. Her kisses were finding their way up my legs with each loving breath. Could she tell I desired something a little different? I wasn't sure.

"If you wanted to be satisfied ... all you had to do ... was ask it," she moaned, her hungry lips climbing to the apex of my thighs, where they completely devoured me. Oh yes - she knew.

I tried to keep quiet in the otherwise silent space we occupied, but there was no use in my efforts. Xena could always make me scream with the powerful orgasms she delivered. Sometimes I wondered if maybe she WAS part immortal, for the heavenly mix of pleasure she could give to me.

She licked and kissed me until I begged her to stop because my body couldn't take it anymore. Through giggles and moans, I told her that I was too sensitive.

"My body's tingling all over," I explained as I pressed my hands into her chest.

At last, she leaned in and kissed my neck. She laid on top of me and soothed me back to sleep. I drifted off in bliss.

The next morning, she had already packed our things once I woke up and found her there with Argo - both feet steadily planted on the ground. She just had a way of standing like she meant it, but I'm not sure others would understand.

I yawned as she spoke to me: "So ... you were awake as I ... touched myself one time or another." It had been some time since she'd done it, but she was just as amused, nonetheless.

I tried not to smile. "Yes ..."

She wanted to apologize for having done it at all, but her grin had taken over. "Well ..."

"Xena ... like you said the other night ..." I had all of her attention, so I stretched with enthusiasm to keep it. "All you have to do ... is ask."

It was a sort of attitude I had never known before, but in its release, it immediately lit a fire inside of me. She looked at me like I must be joking, but I was completely serious. It excited me to think of what Xena might ask of me. I had always found eating her out to be vulgar and dirty, but I loved that about it at the same time. I wondered how much more exciting she would make it with some commanding on her part. Would she do that with me?

She could read my curious expression, and she was standing before me - staring down at me as I slyly sank to my knees.

"Gabrielle … You don't mean that ...?"

I licked my lips, as bold as I ever was. "I do."

This was the part of me she had denied to herself before, because of my apparent naivety. This was desire evaporated off of me, condensing onto her. This was what I wanted her to take.

I tried to think of what she might like. She seemed so intoxicated with the idea of commanding me to do something. What else might she like to enhance her power over me? I knew she sometimes curiously enjoyed me taking over, but she most often enjoyed having me just how she wanted. What could make me feel weaker than I already was in comparison to Xena? With a daring glance, I slowly crawled over to her. One hand after another. My knees dirtied. My eyes on hers.

Her jaw was clenched as she watched me, and her nostrils flared involuntarily. She was more excited than I had ever seen her - lust so pure I could see it lingering there before me. But I couldn't crawl to her feet, because her words called out before I could reach her.

"Stop."

I sat back on my heels, and smiled up at her.

She swallowed hard and stood a little taller. "You ... Gabrielle, you didn't want me behind you before ... I don't think you should be asking for this ..."

I had felt it was wrong before - must be wrong - but I was so tantalizingly curious. Why had it felt so wrong? And why did I want it again? Why had it been on my mind? "Show me how it feels ... to do it ... differently ..." She could read that expression in my eyes: I've been thinking about it, and I want it rough.

"You can't ... mean that ...?"

But of course, I did. I meant every word, and I would prove that to her in time. "What do you want me to do?" I asked as innocently as I could manage, and her knees gave a little, but she still stood strong. She cleared her throat and balled her hands into fists.

"Last chance to tell me you're joking, Gabrielle ... You're tormenting me ..."

It was fair warning, but I didn't want an out. I wanted an IN. I wanted her to command my body, and I wanted to know what it felt like to do as Xena pleased. It was a feeling like no other. I knew she would try to be gentle with me, so I felt safe. I didn't know what I was in for, but I knew I would like it. I wanted to know that part of her, no matter what it was like.

"Come a little closer ..." she whispered. "Stop there. On your hands and knees ... Good."

I knew what she was doing. She wanted to test just how much I really meant what I'd said. If I had been so shy all that time ago, what made this day any different? She was always so tender with me since we'd become close, no matter the situation.

"I trust you ..." I said over my shoulder, in answer. I pulled off a slight garment from beneath my skirt, and I was naked under it once again. "This is different ... This mood you're in ..." It was different from the last time she'd tried it.

"Yes." She stood behind me. She was getting to her knees, too.

"I said no because I was afraid ... of how I felt ..." My heart was racing as she drew the skirt up onto my back again, and all parts of me were vulnerable again. My mind raced, and then her fingers tenderly travelled up the backs of my thighs. Did she know what she was doing to me? That I wanted to feel that sensation again? Did I even know?

Xena cleared her throat as her eyes drew themselves over my naked flesh. "And now?"

"I'm not afraid," I whimpered, wanting to know how it would feel. I wanted to know what she would do to me. It was only Xena I would trust. Even as corrupt as she had been in her past, she was the only person I ever trusted in that sense.

"I won't hurt you," she said, in a way so honest that it told me she understood how it could hurt. Her genuine need to clarify had me sympathetic to whatever else she'd put herself through. Her hands, however, sufficiently distracted me from all of that. They were on my hips, and then the insides of my thighs. "You're a beautiful woman," she said at last, her voice so dominating it sent me chills. Dominating. That's the right word.

"What do you want ...?" I whispered all in one breath, feeling her hesitation. I knew she was going very easy on me because I trusted her like I did. I liked that she hesitated, but I wanted more at the same time. I wanted to tease her into giving it to me. "What'll you do to me?"

Don't ask me how I knew to press all her buttons. I have no idea. It just came to me - it was easy. It was always so easy with Xena.

Xena hadn't really been much for talking while we touched before, but as soon as she got in behind me, it all came pouring out. One phrase after another, and she hadn't even tried pushing inside of me.

"Don't spread your legs ... Keep them closed ... Yeah, lean down - just like that ... Look at me ... Tell me what you want ..."

With her last request, I was so desperate for her to touch me that I told her so. "I want to ...t-to feel your ... f-fingers ..." The stuttering was real. I was hungry for her, too.

I had never been touched like that before - from behind. It felt so wrong and dirty, but it was exciting me, too. And just as I was embarrassed with enjoying it so much, her right hand hooked over my hip, and roughly slipped between my legs. She moaned as she quickly took account of what she'd found there. I was so wet that it coated her fingers.

I trembled as all the fingers of her hand started to toy with me - one slipping in just to slip back out again. I was breathing so hard that I slid down, so my face touched the cold grass. It was even wet with dew from morning, and that just reminded me of how wet I was - how I was enjoying her touch.

When I looked over my shoulder again at her request, I saw her holding my hip with one hand, while the other played with me. Her knees touched on each side of my legs, and her hips were thrown forward, pulling me in with the gesture. I felt so exposed to her then, and that grin on her face told me she enjoyed that position very much. She seemed to get off on seeing me weak and defenseless to her touches and her eyes. She was holding me open to look at me. She was sinking her fingers inside of me. She was bringing me to the edge, and then leaving me wanting more. She was teasing me with everything I needed, and that look in her eyes nearly sent me over the edge on its own.

Still, she was being careful. And I decided there must be a way to change that - I was so excited to feel it differently. I wanted her to know she didn't have to make love to me so gently for all of our lives. I wanted her to know there was more inside of me. I was a wanton woman, and I was desperate for her to see that.

"F-f-fuck me ..."

I had heard the phrase passing dark corners of the market back home, or other seedy avenues where men would enlist the services of women. I knew how dark and wrong it was for a lady to say such a thing, and that was exactly why I'd said it. I knew it would drive Xena wild. And let me tell you - it did.

"Don't tell me that unless you mean it!" she growled, pulling me up by the back of my shirt so we both knelt closely to each other. My back was pressed to her chest as her fingers tried to resist tearing it off of me, cupping my breasts through the material. She was already releasing herself, but I comforted her in case she needed my answer.

"Fuck me." I was more confident after feeling her reaction. She was becoming more desperate for me.

She unlaced and tugged my small shirt down my arms, keeping them there. And then, with expertise, she pushed me forward so that I bent my elbows - my shirt the only thing that kept me from falling forward onto the ground. I was suspended there, my upper body supported with the strength of her arm as her other hand quickly rushed between my legs again. I moaned as she plunged two fingers into me at once, when she usually used only one. I gasped and whimpered with pleasure as she pushed into me with great force.

"Fuck me!" I panted, already moving against that extraordinary touch. "Fuck me, Xena! ..."

Her fingers were quick and agile - in and out, in and out - as my arms were growing tired.

When she could sense I couldn't help to keep myself up much longer, she let me down, and simply lifted my hips. With one hand on my lower back to keep me still, she fucked me just like that. I couldn't surrender enough.

I had never felt such ludicrous pleasure in all my life. It was so different from the soft and careful way she usually touched me. It was hard and fast - can I emphasize that enough? It was so hard I thought it might start to hurt, but her speed more than made up for any discomfort. With her fingers curling inside of me, they kept on sending tingles through this one particular spot, and I knew it wouldn't be much longer. I tore at the grass as I screamed to her: "Yes! YES!"

In little huffs of breath, I pleaded with her for more, my legs pushing at hers to spread themselves. She grabbed my hair in her free hand, and she tugged at it, quickly relenting to hold me there. The feelings were so naughty that all parts of me felt involved. My body as guilty as my mind.

"Faster!" I screamed, just as she hammered in and out of me at impossible speeds, and I exploded right there. My body erupted into a fit of orgasms that lined themselves up in unison. Xena didn't relent until my legs instinctively tried closing themselves. As she released my hips, they fell limp like the rest of me, and I panted onto the ground. Feeling dirty felt so incredibly liberating.

I wanted to tell her that she hadn't hurt me, and that I'd enjoyed it, but I couldn't seem to move my lips. I was so tired I drifted off there underneath her.

I woke up in her arms, as she carried me to water. Water had always been very cleansing for Xena, and at times, she insisted on it. How long she'd been carrying me, I wasn't sure, because there was no water around our site, so it must have been some time. I looked up at her, and cuddled in closer, but she felt distant.

"Where ... 're we going?" I asked sleepily, clinging onto her when I saw the river under the small cliff where we were. "Xena!"

"We'll have to get down over there," she said with nothing but determination, carrying me through rough territory. At last, we were at the river's edge, and she waded into the water with me in her arms. It felt so nice and cool, especially against the soreness that was building between my legs. I was surprised at how sore I was, but it didn't bother me. I'd enjoyed the way she'd touched me.

"Feels nice ..."

"No it doesn't," she gritted, letting me down in the water to hold me with my back to her chest again, both of our clothes soaked. She held me close, with her hair flowing over my shoulder. Her hands across my abdomen, and gently snaking down between my legs to feel my tender flesh.

"I love being here with you," I said. "It feels so nice. You take such good care of me."

She said nothing.

"I'd never felt anything like that before ..." I whispered to her, as close as she was. "I trust you."

"Maybe you shouldn't ..." she started, as if there was more, but then she was silent.

"I do. I always will."

She held me close as she struggled through the complications in her head, and I simply held her in return. She kissed the back of my head, grateful I hadn't pushed her difficult moment. She needed to have it alone, in her head.

"If you didn't like it ..." I said quietly. "We ... don't have to do that. But ... it was nice for me. It felt good for me, Xena. I really enjoyed myself … sharing that with you. That was what I wanted."

"I shouldn't enjoy myself like that." I was worried it reminded her of other things, but I knew that she really did enjoy doing that with me. It was so different with us, and I knew she could see that. I didn't want her to feel such guilt for something I really wanted. Had it always reminded her of darker things? And then I wondered if that was the only kind of sex she'd had before our time together. Maybe we could re-claim it together, just like she did with my taking control of HER. It soothed her to over-take the feeling of vulnerability, and make it into something beautiful.

"With me, Xena? You can enjoy that with me any time you like."

That made her feel much better, but she didn't tell me that. I could feel it in the way she held me, and kissed my shoulder and touched me just to see if I was swollen. The water was so cool that I wasn't really swollen after all, and it was comforting on my heated flesh.

We stayed in the river for a while longer - Xena holding me, and then the other way around. She let me hold her, and she let her tears fall down over her cheeks, losing themselves in my hair. I didn't speak a word of her emotions, even as we held hands on our way back to the road, back to Argo.

I tried not to speak about what we'd done together, but it was becoming incredibly tempting as more time passed along. I would look back at her, riding Argo with all the mastery and confidence she possessed. She would watch me walking aside her magnificent horse, tossing my hair over my shoulder or adding a little movement to my hips to keep her stare.

It was fun and airy until I heard Argo's steps slow and then stop. I looked back to Xena, but she was looking off to the right side of the road - past the trees. I knew to be quiet so she could listen.

She put up four of her fingers, and I tried to listen to what she was hearing. Four men not far away? But there were so many sounds of nature. I had no idea how her ears could pick that up. She surprised me all the time with her abilities.

The men were upon us quicker than I had thought, but Xena was sliding off her horse and leaping over toward me before I could even register what was happening. She'd caught a knife by its handle as it was darted out in my direction. Had I almost just been stabbed? My breath caught in my throat, and she was up in front of me in the blink of my eyes.

"Kill them!"

Three men raced toward us, and I was panicked inside, but I stayed put on my feet. Xena would know what to do - she always did. I pushed my shoulders back, and suddenly realized that the fourth man had found his way around the group, and he was looking at me.

"Come here," he beckoned to me, as if I were that stupid. I was offended! But then again, that wasn't the time to take offense. I looked angrily at him, and noticed all too late that he'd only been distracting me. Another one of the men grabbed onto me, and I was in shock. I didn't even notice Xena strangle him from behind me until he let me go. Lucky me, I stumbled into the fourth man's arms, and sighed with frustration to myself. Damnit. Captured again. It was like the world was playing some sick joke on me, but I tried to simply keep still.

When Xena turned to me, the fear in her eyes affected me more than my own. She was so scared to lose me - it was all over her face, for anyone to see. Other times she had pretended her indifference, even told the assailant to just get it over with as if I meant nothing to her, but this was different. I could see that she would never be able to play her detachment for me again. She looked so troubled, breathing in and out as she stared at me. I pulled at the arm across my chest, and stared right back at her.

"Thank the gods I will finally have my revenge!" the man panted. A smirk caught my attention as I tried to glance over my shoulder, so I looked back to Xena. "For my brother!" the man yelled.

Xena put her hands out - a much different approach than I was used to in her many fights. "Okay, listen ... that ... I know you must be upset right now ..." She laid down her sword, and I really started to panic! What was she doing? I tried to understand, but it seemed like she was trying to talk him down. Wasn't she going to kill him?

And then I saw her intention. She didn't want to kill him at all. It was like all of my talk about peace and proper justice was getting through to her in the sincerest of ways. My breath caught in my throat - for the life of me, I couldn't focus on the situation at hand.

"Listen ... let her go ... and we can fight this out."

"No - I'm gonna kill her," he spat out, digging a knife close to the side of my neck. A sharp intake of air passed into my lungs, but I couldn't seem to let it go. People had held me in such dangerous positions before, but it felt like this man really WANTED to kill me. I was scared. Xena could see I was scared.

"Wait!" she shouted, trying to protect me, and also trying to show me she'd changed. She was trying to change, but the strange man wasn't making it easy for her. "Stop ... don't hurt her. I don't wanna have to kill you."

I think he heard it as some sort of tease, but Xena was being sincere.

However, as the knife dug a little too close, and I cried out, it was all over. Xena was leaping forward - pushing me and the angry man backward, and wrestling the knife out of his hand. She might have tried her softer approach again if he hadn't hurt me, but she couldn't stop herself. That look was back in her eyes - that knife was plunged into his chest.

I stood by watching as she finally got to her feet again, and pulled me in for a soft kiss. She could be so delicate with me, contrasted to the way she fought so mercilessly and wild. I looked up to her to try and assure her I was just fine, but she touched the small scrape against my neck, and rubbed the blood on her fingers. "They just always find us ... huh?"

I smiled up at her disappointment. "You're a famous warrior ... it's bound to happen. But you have this under control, Xena ... you've never let anyone TRULY hurt me."

She playfully swatted my shoulder. "I hope you're still singing that tune when we get that cut cleaned out. Just a scratch, right?"

I pressed my lips together to keep from showing my smile. "Uh huh."

Her hands were resting on her hips as she sized me up with all the love she had in her heart. "I underestimate you sometimes ... I don't know why I do that."

"Because it scares you that I could take you one of these days." I walked off toward Argo, who had politely extricated himself from the bloody situation. He was pulling at the grass, as hungry as ever, and I fed him as Xena watched me.

"You could take me, huh?"

If I wanted to win, we both knew she would let me. She would roll over onto her back and tie her own hands together if I wished it. She would surrender to nothing but my will if that was my desire. I could feel it, but I had never tested it, and when I looked at her then, I wanted to feel that. I wanted to make her mine. I wanted her to let me.

"You know ... I really enjoyed myself earlier, Xena. I can't believe the things you can do ..."

She was smiling when I looked back to her, in that way that told me she didn't even realize she was doing it.

"And I love you." I smiled in return. "I love trying things with you ... I hope you're never too worried about me to try." I patted Argo's jaw, and smoothed my hand down his long neck. "I'm strong in my own way, you know, Xena ..." Oh, she knew.

She stepped a little closer, and unlike so many other times, there was no roll of her eyes. She always did it when I went on complimenting myself just to make her do the same, but not this time.

She had so many fantastic qualities she overlooked in herself, so I went on recognizing my own strengths for her to see. Trying not to look at her to see her admiration as clearly as I knew I would. "And not only am I strong, but talkative, helpful ..."

"Don't forget beautiful."

I stopped as she stood behind me, both arms crossed. She was trying to keep that smile inside, but biting her cheek could only work for so long.

"And now you tell me about YOU." I stuck my finger out to her, and laughed as she put her hands to her hip. "I'll start you off-"

"I'm in love with you."

I stared with curiosity as she spoke those words, and just looked at her.

"Gabrielle ... it's the best thing that's ever happened to me ..." She wrung her hands together. "YOU ... are the best thing that ever happened to me."

I wanted to talk, but I just couldn't seem to do it.

"I know you wanna tell me that's not MY strength ... but it is. It's something I pride myself on every day - having found a way to keep you at my side."

I felt so emotional inside I wasn't sure how to respond. I'm sure I looked confused.

She stepped a little closer. "And I intend on keeping you there for as long as I live. Even longer, if it so exists ..."

My eyebrows dipped as my lips parted slowly - taking it in. Whenever she revealed her mounting love for me, it sent me reeling. This was Xena the Warrior. This was the toughest woman I'd ever seen or heard of in all my life, and she was standing before me, declaring her eternal love for me with her palms turned up. She just wanted to hold me.

"Being in love with you, Gabrielle, is my favorite thing about myself."

I gladly stepped into her arms, and squeezed her with mine. "Oh, Xena ... I love you too." But as I drew back to tease her that she needed to love something about HERSELF, she kissed me. And who was I to dispute that? I let her lips prove her affection, and then as I found comfort in her arms, I grinned to myself. "Don't forget you have many skills ..."

She laughed as we pulled apart, and stroked my cheek with the back of her finger. "I like that line. I think I might use that."

I smiled, happy just to be with her. "Feel free."

And she did.


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9

Xena was always so beautiful and tender with me, but the world finally began to see her as such. She wouldn't open herself in the same way to others that she opened up to me, but it was a start, and others had taken notice. She had even begun a more playful way of dealing with those who troubled us on the road; they were hit in the face, and scared into taking off. At times, Xena would even smile and wave as they ran away, showing me just how humorous she could be when she wanted to be. I don't think she intended to make a joke of it, but it really became a way to cope with the chaos. We were bothered so much and so often that it became a running joke.

One day, a man was screaming as he ran from our camp site, and Xena jogged after him with ease: "Oh, come on! Her cooking isn't THAT terrible!"

I wiped my forehead with the back of my arm, and just kept the small pot over the fire while I checked on the meat stewing in the broth. She hadn't felt well for the last week, and I was trying to help her. And can you believe she still was teasing me? A part of me was frustrated, but most of me was simply content that smiles were coming so easily to my lovely, dark warrior.

She still had her somber moments, of course. She still had that darkness that lurked - and pounced if provoked. She still had her memories, but she looked so much healthier in the past few months with ina me. Everything had been so easy, or at the very least, not impossible.

I watched her drink my soup that evening, and a smile affected me the way it did with her - it took over my lips without my intention.

"So you can insult it ... but you drink it just fine."

She looked up to me serious one moment, and then grinning the next: "You don't DRINK soup, Gabrielle. You eat it."

She was just as daring and mischievous with me as I'd always been with her. I felt I had taught it to her, and I found entertainment in that. I crossed my arms, and watched her finish my soup, too. She'd been running more, so she was eating more.

I was so glad to see her so happy and carefree - even in the face of such danger and harassment. It didn't seem to really bother us, actually. I think it was Aphrodite that bothered Xena most, and that was because the Goddess of Love enjoyed meddling in our lives a little too much for Xena's liking. Xena often reverted to her old ways of communication when Aphrodite came around, muttering and growling when she felt it was necessary to respond at all. I made it my task to hold her back, and give her a little slap on the wrist when she was being rude, but we all got along fine for the most part.

One fine day, however, I must admit that I became frustrated with the goddess myself.

"Hey, Gabrieeellie ...?"

I turned to that voice - I knew who it was. "Aphrodite?" I looked around, and finally spotted her waltzing over to me in another one of her tiny outfits. I lifted my brows because I noted the low seam of her ... were those supposed to be shorts? I must admit I didn't want Xena seeing that. I was occasionally insecure around such lustful women, because I knew Xena had always had quite an appetite for provocative women. I had heard more of her stories than I cared for, but Xena was always honest with me. Xena was also very quick to assure me that I was all she needed in ANY sense.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, surprised that Aphrodite had come to visit.

"What do you say we go shopping? Just us bards?" She liked to write poetry in her spare time - go figure.

"Well, I don't think Xena would-"

"Oh, let that be! Warrior, Shmarrior. She has no idea what a girl wants - or does she?" Aphrodite asked, winking at me and then re-adjusting her hair on her shoulders. "We need some time, if I recall ..."

"Time?"

"You know ... it'll be just us in the city, and I'll ... conjure a little something up for our precious warrior gal ..."

I was exhausted with her many attempts to "help us" and I was also at a loss for words. Finally, I managed to tell her what was on my mind. "We don't want anything out of the ordinary, okay? We're fine just the way we are, Aphrodite. We LIKE normal."

"Oh please, Gabs. I've told you so many times - call me Dite."

I sighed, trying to make my point as clearly as possible. "Fine. Dite ... Just listen. I don't want anything ... bizarre going on here." And then I could sense Xena was approaching from somewhere, and I held my hands out. My eyes still on the goddess. "Please. Don't. Do. Anything."

"Or maybe we could give YOU a little something!" she gasped with enthusiasm, clapping her hands together at her fingertips. "Make you a little more ... excitable, and maybe Xena would-"

"Cut your arms off and dye your hair red with the blood?" Xena had stepped from the shadows, and was glaring at the goddess over my shoulder.

Aphrodite was disgusted: "My HAIR?!"

We both turned to Xena who looked less than pleased, and yet still grinning with her twisted sense of humor. Then Xena turned more serious, and spoke aside to me as she came closer.

"What are you doing telling her things about our love lives?" she whispered, grabbing my extra shift from Aphrodite's curious hands to give it back to me. I had never figured she would be jealous! Of Aphrodite? But believe it or not, she was. She told me long after that she could tell Aphrodite had feelings for me. I never bought into that idea.

Aphrodite happily chimed in again as Xena and I communicated with only our eyes: "Oh, we love to talk! What should we talk about, Gabs?"

I brought my hands up to my face to disguise my loss of hope that Aphrodite would leave us be. Xena put her arm over my shoulder and looked out at the goddess instead. "How about ... you leave me and 'Gabs' alone, and go shopping with someone else?"

That was more than she usually had to say to Aphrodite, but I loved Xena's protection over me. I tucked myself in at her side there, and beamed with a cautious smile I had crafted over my time with Xena. It was my way of communicating to others that she was harmless, and I was proof of that. After all, she had never harmed me in any way.

"How about a few more Gabrielles for the night ...?" Aphrodite teased, just as Xena released one of her deadlier growls.

I patted my hand to her stomach, and lightly laughed to cover the next snarl that followed. "Oh, Xena. I think it's time for some more food - what do you say? Hungry?"

That always did the trick.

"Well it's not like you let me do anything NICE for YOU," Aphrodite sighed toward the warrior, then checking her nails.

I looked up to Xena, and whispered to my love: "What is she talking about?"

The look on Xena's face was embarrassment. Her cheeks went red, and her eyes dropped off to the left, where they could settle on a patch of down-trodden grass and mud.

What had Aphrodite meant? I simply couldn't resist asking the goddess myself. "Something nice? What're you talking about? ... Like what?"

"Oh, she didn't even TELL you?" Aphrodite laughed, covering her mouth when she saw another viscious scowl from my protective warrior.

I pulled at Xena's arm. "Tell me what?"

"You tell her and I'll rip that-"

"Wow wow wow!" I laughed, leaping in between both women with my hands out to keep some distance there. Aphrodite had recoiled in panic, and Xena was ready to pounce. I had to smile at the vulnerability that was threatening to surface (best covered with a nice thick layer of violence - I'm sure Xena believed). "Girls ... let's just ... let's get our heads on straight." When I looked to Aphrodite, she was straightening up, but when I looked over to Xena, she was still fuming. "Aphrodite ... maybe we'll see you later."

It was my polite way of asking her to give us some time. Thankfully, for once, she caught on. She vanished herself, leaving Xena and I alone.

"Xena?" I asked - one hand on hers and one holding her bicep. I waited until she finally found the strength to look me in the eyes, regardless of what hers might give away. "Please talk to me."

For all the times she never had, I think she felt obligated to tell me then. She turned her back and expelled the words as if they were a burst of air: "Aphrodite said she'd give us a child."

I held my breath. A child? I'd never thought of having a child before, and Xena carrying a baby for us - oh, wait. She means ME. My eyes went wide as I'd never thought of that before. We were two women travelling together. How would we procreate? I had always loved children, but it just didn't seem like something we could ever have. Surely not something Xena would ever want. But then I noticed the tense aggravation of muscles in her shoulders, and I knew it meant much more to her than she let on.

"Yeah, don't worry about going quiet on me or anything ..."

I couldn't help myself - I threw my arms around her, and pressed my cheek to her back, overjoyed that she'd wanted something like that with me.

"It's not something I want anyway," she muttered, slipping off toward Argo to leave me reeling from the possibilities.

I think it was difficult for her to understand that I wanted a child with her just like she wanted one with me. Although, to be honest, I think she wanted that child MORE than I did then. She was sensitive about wanting that from me. With me.

I finally gathered my words that night, and told her that I would love to carry a child that would be ours. I asked her if she was ready, and she vehemently shook her head no. She wanted a child, but she couldn't seem to let herself realize that just then, so I let it go. I tried to cheer her up later, but it wasn't much use. I had some success the next day, and more so after that.

I think I had only brought the topic up about ten more times over the next three months or so, which was difficult for me. It was a big subject, and very difficult to ignore. Xena didn't make it easy, but the tenth time was somehow the charm. I remember we were riding hard through dangerous territory before Argo finally slowed to a trot. We hadn't been relaxed for long when I looked to her beautiful profile for the fiftieth time that day, and I squeezed her a little tighter.

"Maybe you should be the one having the child ... those beautiful eyes ..."

She tugged at the reins and we stopped there. Tense but confident, she smoothed her arm over mine. "Gabrielle ..." That melodious way she said my name. It came from the back of her throat, like a sound of instinct. Her eyes lowered, her arm still strongly draped over mine.

My hands were both on her stomach then, and I smiled to think of a child growing there. A little baby.

"I'd ... rather you carried a child - if we were to think seriously about that."

I didn't know why, and I didn't ask her. I picked my head up and rested my chin on her shoulder. I knew she was often annoyed by it, but she didn't mind it then. I think she liked that I was so close to her.

I giggled with excitement just because she'd replied to the subject at all. "Mmm, but then it couldn't have that wonderful face ..."

"Sure it could."

She'd said the words before she could pull them back, and I could sense her panicking inside. Before I could even ask what she meant, she set Argo on our path once again, and set to answering my unasked questions.

"Alright alright already ... Aphrodite said it would be ours ... a part of each of us ... she said she could do that."

Just as I tried to speak, Xena interrupted me again. I had to smile that she'd been doing that more and more - just like I'd always done. Having a solo conversation for us both.

"I didn't WANNA say anything, Gabrielle ... it just seems ... well. My heart is ripped from me every time you're in danger ... I don't think I could manage at all if you were ... carrying a child."

"Our child," I reminded, resting my cheek on her shoulder instead. I closed my eyes and dreamed. What a thing - to imagine such a possibility. What would that child be like? Look like? I squeezed my arms tight again, and she let out a breath of laughter at my enthusiasm.

She said nothing, but when we stopped for the night, she was staring at me as I readied the heat for a late meal. It felt like maybe she was glaring at me - was she angry? - but I was busy building the fire like she'd taught me, so I said nothing. By the time I was adding sticks to the flame, she shot up to her feet.

"You win!"

I was crouched on the ground so that my knees wouldn't touch the dirt. One hand was on my leg and the other was feeding wood to our fire. My hair had been lazily braided so that it wouldn't linger near the heat, but the braid fell over my shoulder just the same. I was paused that way exactly, looking back at her with fascination. What had I won? I had been oblivious in the moment.

"You win, alright! I give in."

Was she panting? I set the sticks aside, and slapped my hands together to rid them of any debris. "Xena ... wh ... what're you talking about?" I straightened up on my feet, and tucked the pan just under my arm.

"Stop it - with the pan and the fire and the twigs ..." She was breathing so heavily I actually chuckled as she rushed over to me. "Stop it ... Please."

"Xena, I'm not-"

"If you say you're not doing this on purpose ... I'll lose my mind, Gabrielle ..."

I bit back my smile at the desperate look on her face. She was such a magnificent creature. Perfect by mistake.

She breathed steadily, in and out. "You're doing it on purpose ..."

But we both knew I wasn't.

"Gabrielle ..." She didn't know what to say to me. I could see that she felt something even more for me than desire in that moment, and I smiled in answer. This was about making love - it was about making a child together. She wanted me to carry what would be OUR child.

My voice was so quiet and uncertain: "I don't know why you didn't tell me right away."

She paused, because she knew exactly what I was talking about. Even the way her hand subtly rested on her stomach told me that she did.

"Xena ... I ... I want that, too."

"We could never protect a child, Gabrielle!"

"You protect ME just fine ... I know it wouldn't be easy, but ... I'm telling you not to neglect my desires for a child ... I mean ... it's amazing, what Aphrodite told you. Please, can we talk about this? - Just talk?"

Oh, I wish I had known just how badly she had wanted that child with me. I went into our conversation with the goal to get our feelings out in the open, and I pressed too quickly so that she finally snapped, and she told me that she wanted a child with me more than anything she'd ever known. I wish I could have walked hesitantly into that discussion, because I think I would have seen a lot more to those feelings. I would have quicker been able to see that she'd been wondering and hoping and thinking of what her child might be like someday. That she wanted to protect it and love it at all costs, and that she wanted it to be something wonderful. She wanted it to enjoy its innocence, and find meaning in its days. She wanted so many things for her child, and yet she didn't have the time to tell me then.

She was speaking to me, but it was coming out in bursts of truth.

"I want a child so badly ... But we can't protect it ... So I don't know what to do ... Where would we go ...?"

In a frenzy, she paced back and forth until I grabbed her wrist and stared her in the eyes. We had spent much of our time together in silence, and I drew on my experience then.

I looked at her in a way so simple that she could see I understood her want. I had the same want, and I was just as uncertain about what the future might hold. I was perhaps even less confident about protecting an unborn child, but I was certain about what I wanted. I wanted her to feel that I was, so I kept my hand on that arm until her eyebrows relaxed, and her lips parted just so. She understood me, too.

She didn't know what to say after that, so she just stepped in and pulled me close to kiss me. It was a kiss that lasted and lasted until I felt the need just as deeply as Xena. I drew a quick breath in through my nose, and held it there in my chest, bringing my hands through her hair. Her hands were at my sides, pressing and squeezing me as she liked. It felt so good to have those hands on me. It was more than lust; it was love, safety and comfort.

I know we should have spoken more about creating a child between us, but I knew her so well and I loved her so much that I never had a doubt in my mind. I loved Xena with more than myself - it's a difficult thing to describe, but there was so much between us. It was a history that we seemed to share, despite the fact that we had only been travelling together for just over a year's time. There was no question in my mind that we should have a child together. No doubt and no worries. Whatever difficulty would face us, we would face it right back - together.

Xena laid me down on the ground where she made love to me just as I managed to snake my hand down between her legs. I always loved it that way - simultaneous passion. And in the heat of the moment, she caught my eyes as I gasped, stilling her fingers.

"You know ... she told me all I'd have to do was tell you ..."

"What?" I breathed, burying my fingers into her even deeper. I wanted to be a part of her. I wanted to feel her shake for me, and still I was trying to focus on what she was telling me.

Following a long and heavy moan, she licked at my lips, and then travelled that way down my neck. "She said ... it was a spell she could let us do for ourselves ... and I'd have to say the words first if you'd be the one ... and you'd have to say them, too ... After me ..."

As she spoke, her fingers slowly picked up speed, and I bit down on my lip - emotional at her enthusiasm to have a child with me. I pressed my short nails into her shoulder and moved with her body. Both of us a part of something bigger. I could feel it brewing with our intent. "Xena ... Xena I want this ..."

"Ganauff du dumauro ... Ganauff du dizoie ..." Once she had spoken in Greek, she laughed quietly down into my ear. "I haven't spoken Greek in ages ... I'm a little rusty."

I had never spoken in Greek. I'd never been taught, so I breathed into her ear, and asked her: "What does that mean ...?"

"I make this baby ... I make this life ... Now say it after me, Gabrielle ... If this is what you want-"

"It is!" I clung to her again with my hand on her shoulder, taking her with me. "I want this ... Please ... Xena ..."

"Ganauff du dumauro ... Ganauff du dizoie ..."

I swallowed hard, the words still fresh in my ear. "Ganauff du dumauro ... Ganauff du dizoie ..." Immediately as I spoke the words, my back arched and it was like I couldn't suck in enough air. I felt like I was choking and my arms seized up on me. I felt paralyzed.

Xena brought both her hands to tend to me as I'm sure she was worried Aphrodite had faulted with something, but it was just the effects of the meticulous spell of old ages. In the next few moments, I could exhale and relax, and hold her again.

I was tearing up with joy and excitement at what we were creating together. It was as close as I had ever felt with Xena - our intentions strong in creating a family. Very slowly, we returned to our show of affections, and after we'd each shared our climax, she pulled me into her lap, and had me again.

I remember that feeling of fulfillment as she touched me then, and looking down into the depth of her ocean-blue eyes. They were even as light as the sky when they caught the glow from the sun. I looked into her eyes, thinking they were always what I thought of as I touched myself. As cliched as it seemed, there was such truth in the power of her eyes, containing all things. They spoke to me when my love couldn't find the words, and they looked into mine just the same. We panted in silence there, until finally I held tightly to her, and shivered with the sensation of complete satisfaction.

It was beautiful and exhausting. I couldn't stop smiling as I relaxed with my legs wrapped around her. It was like a dream. It was heaven to be so close to Xena in every sense.

Aphrodite wanted to see a child created between us, so the reasons were not completely unselfish. We had apparently been of much discussion to the gods, of whom I slowly familiarized myself with as they dropped into Xena's life more and more. In doing so, they dropped into mine, but it had never bothered me. I found that some of them were excellent listeners, as a matter of fact.

Aphrodite was my favourite of the gods, and not only because she had helped Xena and I conceive of a child. She was the greatest listener of all. Certainly, there were times where I could hardly get a word in, but when I needed to talk, Aphrodite was a very attentive goddess.

I was in the second month of my pregnancy - not showing just then - when my mood swings got really bad. Xena was always so good with me that she surprised me, in fact, but Aphrodite had paid us a visit to give Xena a much-needed hunting trip all by herself.

One moment, I was crying, and the next moment, I was angry. Don't ask me what that conversation was. I can't even remember. Aphrodite had been listening to me complain and then thank her, and then upset myself by talking about the last place I'd gone to eat with Xena. I had been starving, and so I ordered two plates - and the inn keeper said something about it. It still irked me weeks later, in my rant to Aphrodite.

"Wow there, Bard babe," she finally said, pulling a face at my mood. "Everything's fine."

"It is NOT!" I said, taking a moment to try and relax myself. But Xena wasn't there - I always leaned on her for support, and I realized she wasn't there to help me, so I started to cry. "It's not okay! I'm just ... I'm gonna get so big, and I can't even walk ..." I don't know where I was going with any of it, but I was so upset that I was shaking.

I will never forget the way Xena ran over to me from gods-knows-where and gently guided me over somewhere to sit me down. She rubbed my back and kissed my hand and let me cry, finally tossing some expression over to Aphrodite before she checked in with me again. "I'm here." She was always there for me when I needed her - without exception. Always, always there.

"I'll uh ... I'll leave you two," Aphrodite mumbled, disappearing with a snap as I let my teary eyes focus on Xena once again. Even with the world's best listening goddess, it just wasn't the same as it was with Xena. That smile melted me with warmth and happiness, and all I wanted was to apologize. My moods had started to flip all over the place, but when it came to Xena, I wanted to control them.

With a hand on my still-slender stomach, Xena pressed a little kiss there, and looked up at me again. That grin stretched from ear-to-ear: "I caught a deer."

She knew how much I had craved deer since I'd been pregnant, and I cried all over again out of joy as I threw my arms around her.

Xena quickly went to work, preparing the deer (because I didn't know how), and I mixed some interesting herbs for added flavor. We were quickly the two happiest women, sitting by the campfire - both of us completely full. I'm sure there were nights during my pregnancy when she went hungry so I could be fully satisfied, but she never complained.

That night, we both ate so much we felt weighted to the ground, and still there was more. Xena called out and invited Aphrodite back, so I could apologize. She gladly sat with us, but declined on the offering of food. Ares showed up, too, claiming to be enticed by the aroma of the meal, but still a god himself. He didn't eat either. Still, we didn't turn them away. The company was nice.

Xena and I were so full from the meal that we were terrible hostesses of the night. I couldn't even lift my arms, and Xena was feeling terribly lazy, so we just rested against each other that way, braced against a leaning tree.

Ares and Aphrodite were arguing about the war Ares had newly initiated, and Aphrodite claimed that love could rule all if only he would listen.

Meanwhile, Xena was whispering into my ear: "You're an angel, Gabrielle."

I was so tired and content that I could only snuggle my cheek closer, and smile against her.

She breathed out, displacing my bangs with the effort. "My angel."

"Aww, look they're little cuddlers!" Aphrodite cooed, lifting Xena from her exhaustion to defend her warrior honor in front of the God of War himself.

"No. We're tired. It's just been a long day. Maybe a little privacy ..."

"We getcha," Ares winked, getting to his feet and sauntering over. "Need a little ... a-lone time ..." I had my eyes closed, but I was still listening. This conversation was turning a little dangerous - even for an immortal like Ares.

"Take another step, and it might be your last." Xena had spoken the words, but she had only meant them as a tease. I could hear her smile in the tone of voice she used. It was playful, and I accidentally moaned at the comfort. When I opened my eyes, Aphrodite had one brow raised to Ares.

"Alright you heathen," Aphrodite beamed saucily. "Let's let these two ... umm ..."

"Will you two stop?" I said, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "I'm just ... I'm tired."

"I know all about pregnancy, little Bardie," Aphrodite winked, earning a suppressed scowl from my lovely warrior. "Alllll about it. So don't feel like you need to explain it to me ..."

"What? - She sleeps all day?" Ares laughed, but was silenced with the look Aphrodite shot over to him. "Ohhhh ... gotcha. And just when does that kick in? ... Wouldn't wanna walk in on anything ..."

Before I knew it, Xena had slid out from under me, and she was marching over to our two visitors. There was such purpose to her steps that I was falling for her all over again. My big, macho warrior - defending my honor. But with the feelings mixing through me, I had to wonder if maybe it wasn't a tall tale. I figured a conversation with Aphrodite might do me some good after all.

Later that night - after Xena had threatened Ares sufficiently to get him to back away, and Aphrodite had waved her goodbyes - it was just Xena and I once again. And I was incredibly insecure at all of the thoughts that had been going through my mind.

Xena made certain that I was lying on all three furs she'd bought with a little work she did in the last month, and she was stroking my hair when I blushed again.

"What is it, Gabrielle?"

"Don't look at me when I say this," I giggled, knowing full well she would only be more curious. She stared at me, but I continued on anyway. "I ... What're you gonna do if ... Aphrodite's right?"

"About what?"

When I tried hiding my face, Xena laughed, and pulled my hands down. "Ahh. Mmm hmm. And you think I ... won't enjoy that, do you?"

"Xena-"

"Gabrielle, the more you'll want that, the less guilt I'll feel for wanting you so much."

"But ... but I'll be huge!" I scoffed, getting up onto my elbows to look at her. Those wonderfully honest eyes glimmered back at me even in the dark. I don't know how they always did that.

"You'll be as attractive as you ever were ... and I'll be excited, Gabrielle. I swear it."

"And just how do you know that?"

"I happen to find pregnant women ... very attractive."

Then it was my turn to tease HER. I leaned onto my side, and grinned at the comforting curve of her face. "So I suppose I should worry about you wanting me AFTER this child is born then?"

I could tell Xena was blushing because she always quickly spun around when it was happening. She got to her feet, and tried to hide it, even in the darkness that covered us both. She was laughing quietly, in her own way. "Very funny, Gabrielle."

"Xena ...? I like that you'll want me. Still ... I mean."

She turned back around, but stayed in her spot - a few paces from me. "Always."

I smiled and patted the spot beside me. "You say that like you're sure."

Her shoulders relaxed and she let out all of her breath. "Because I am."

I can't explain the amount of certainty I felt in her arms that night. I knew that I was safe, and that my unborn child would be safe. Just as I was beginning to normalize the concept of a child in my mind, I was loving it. I felt so much love for that little being growing inside of me - only increased tenfold by the way Xena would keep her hand over my stomach or kiss it in the morning.

We went on shorter walks after I started to show in my third month, even though I insisted I was fine to keep up my usual pace. I would catch Xena's loving glances down at me, never pressuring me to ride because she was worried about the baby on those jostling trips.

When we would stop somewhere, she would massage my shoulders and try to keep from kissing my neck. I must say it was quite invigorating to have her wanting me no matter how big or disgusting I felt. At times, my ankles would swell and I would complain, but Xena always wordlessly took care of my concerns. She made it so that I shared everything with her, and I felt so free to tell her all of it. Poor Xena - I was always so tired and sore.

We kissed and touched, but Xena insisted on never making love to me, because she was worried for the baby. Neither of us knew much about it at that stage of my pregnancy, so I agreed. But the kissing and fondling was so pleasant. Still, there were times it hurt. My breasts were so sensitive that I would often gasp and instinctively withdraw, and that really worried Xena. She loved my breasts, but she had to learn to be very careful with them - as much as I wanted her to be rougher with me.

As that fourth month drew on, it was also very difficult for me to have all the feelings I did. I wanted to be touched so badly I couldn't understand it. I wanted to be filled with her fingers. Sometimes I even thought about her using something on me, like she'd mentioned to me in the past, but I knew she would never want to do that to me while I had our little baby growing so close. So I didn't mention it. That was one of the hardest things for me at the time, because I was so open with her about everything else. But I felt guilt for the feelings I was having - they ruled my mind completely! The things I imagined were so intense I was embarrassed.

I didn't know it was normal to have an overactive sex drive during pregnancy until I finally blurted my concerns to Aphrodite one very dark afternoon. It seemed that the sun hadn't come out all day, and my ankles were so swollen that I had been complaining almost constantly, but STILL all I could think about were Xena's hands on me. I had even tried coaxing her to touch me a little more, but it hadn't turned into anything. So while Xena was off hunting, I called for Aphrodite, and thankfully, she appeared right before me. I had never summoned any god or goddess before, and I was susprised that I could, I suppose.

"You called?" she asked with a smile, her arms crossed to accentuate her generously-sized breasts.

I had to laugh, because mine were beginning to grow just as rounded as hers. "Yes, I called ... but ... I don't know."

It wasn't long until I blurted it all.

"I just keep having these thoughts, but we can't do anything about it, and I don't think I can take much more of this!"

Aphrodite was quick to assure me that arousal was only natural. My hormones were taking control of my thoughts, and I had no way of keeping my sanity.

"Great," I huffed, sitting next to the goddess with a thump. "So it'll be like this the WHOLE pregnancy?"

I really wish I had known Xena was there, listening. I would have liked to tease her through the conversation I was having, but I'm still glad she was there. I don't think I would have had the heart to tell her just how desperate I had been all that time.

"I'm gonna want her CONSTANTLY? ... But she's not comfortable with all of this. She's ... she has a right to be concerned. I am, too."

It was so unusual for Xena to listen in. She must have caught me talking to Aphrodite, and she was so shocked that all she could do was listen on. I can't imagine what her expression must have been. Thinking back, I would very much like to be able to remember the face she must have been making then. Her preciously pregnant bard - lusting after her morning, noon, and night. It must have been quite the discovery.

"Oh, I'll bet you just mention to her what you told me, and you won't have any problems."

I rolled my eyes and then gently ran my hand across my slowly growing stomach. "How can you be sure it's safe?" I looked to Aphrodite who was earnestly smiling at me.

"Oh Gabs. You two worry enough for all the gods on Olympus." She brushed my hair off my shoulder in a loving, friendly way (although I'm sure Xena thought otherwise). "Trust me - it's been going on for centuries. You two aren't the first couple in the world to be pregnant ... and I know a thing or two about lovin'."

I giggled and dropped my head so she wouldn't see me blushing. I wondered how I would ever be able to tell Xena that I wanted her that badly. And in so many ways ... "I don't know how to say it ..." I was so outwardly shy about such matters of desire.

"You'll figure out a way," Aphrodite teased, glancing over her shoulder for a moment. I would later find out she winked at Xena, but I didn't suspect anything in the moment with my head still hanging down. Finally, I picked it up.

"Thanks. Really. I think ... can I just have some time ...? I need to think of how to say this to her. Not that she'll feel too comfortable with it anyway ..."

"Everyone's different, Bard Babe," she beamed, inspecting her nails. "Every woman's a little different. So no worries. It's not just you. Just go with it, and I'm sure she'll be happy you said something. It's not like she's not interested! ... In fact-"

"Okay, that's enough," Xena said from behind me, rustling through the leaves to make me jump.

Aphrodite had been trying to coax her out? Had Xena been listening, I wondered. I was stunned, but at the same time, a little grateful I wouldn't have to tell Xena something that embarrassed me so much.

"I know when I'm not wanted!" she pouted playfully, snapping herself out of the situation.

With that, Xena turned to me, and dropped down in front of me. "Gabrielle ... I'm sorry. I was listening ... I didn't mean to-"

I placed my finger on her lips, and just smiled at her. "It's okay." And given my rampant mood swings, I think she felt complete relief that there was still a sliver left of the forgiving woman she'd always known.

I spoke to dispel her concerns. "I ... am a little surprised, but ... I'm honestly just glad that ... well, that I don't have to confess it all over again. To you."

The look in her eyes sent shivers through me.

"You think I don't want you, Gabrielle?"

I had no idea how different sex would feel then, but I was excited to try. It had been four months, and I wasn't doing too well by trying to push it to the back of my mind. With every look from her, my mind was gone - I was on a table somewhere, or tied up to something so she could ravish me. The tingles weren't even warm at that point - they were ice hot. I was brimming with lust, and hoping she could read me so I wouldn't have to ask.

"Is that what you think?"

My lip trembled, but I wasn't about to cry. I was shivering more visibly from the look in her eyes that told me she'd been just as desperate. Her hands were barely holding mine, because I knew she felt so excited she was worried she'd hurt me.

"W-well ... I know you were concerned, and ... me too ... It's just ... It's been four months, Xena ..."

But she had insisted I do nothing to please her, either. She would have hated receiving such pleasure when I couldn't have it. "It's been four months for me, too, Gabrielle."

Little did I know at the time, that night was about to be the strangest sex we had shared until then. I could feel it in the air, that something was different. It had been so long for both of us. We had both been fantasizing and wanting and needing. And then she smiled at me.

"Been thinking about me a little?"

It was the last logical thing we would say all night.


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10

Xena's hand was snaking between my legs before I could speak. She was touching me, teasing me, but I looked at her to warn that I couldn't be teased any further. She kept touching me to prove that she could.

"Tell me ... tell me why the embarrassment ..." she breathed, sensing there was something I'd been wanting. I was sure in that moment that she was asking so she could fulfill my fantasy regardless of whether she liked it or not, but she was really asking because she had a strong feeling that she had many of the same ideas. She wanted to be able to let us both enjoy them.

"Because I want things! ..." I panted, slowly leaning back on my hands as I sat angled. I wanted to lie down, but I would need those furs in my pregnant state. I didn't know where anything was. I didn't even know where my mind had gone, but her eyes were tearing into me. "I want terrible things ..."

"Don't call them terrible," Xena growled, "Not something you crave ... now tell me."

I loved that word - crave. I had so many unusual cravings, and had no idea of how to confess them. But there we were together, and she was touching me so torturously I was convinced it was an interrogation tactic. I laughed at that thought.

"What?"

"You're interrogating me," I finally moaned in answer, and when she pulled her fingers away, my eyes flew open - "No! No, I like it." She was staring at me from hooded eyes as her fingers slowly returned. "I like it ..."

"You want me to question you?" she wondered quietly, tracing one of her fingers just barely inside of me, and I cried out with desire. "Oh, you like that?" In her spot leaning over me, she had all the control.

"Yes ... yes ... I want you to be ... t-terrible to me ..."

She didn't say anything, but suddenly I felt her shift around, so I opened my eyes to her head under my skirt. She was licking at my thighs, and I just about melted. What was I supposed to do, I wondered. I wanted it so badly - that tongue of hers. She was making me crazy.

"I want ... I don't know ... I keep thinking ... about all these things ... Ohhh, Xena ..."

She always did know how to make me crazy. I was close just as she'd started, so I warned her, because I had a feeling she only meant to tease me. And as much as I wanted release, I wanted her to be aware.

"I'm ... I'm close."

When she sat up on her knees to look at me, her expression was taunting me. It was saying: _so soon, naughty girl?_

She was so playful and deliciously naughty herself that I lowered myself to the ground with her, and laid down on my back at last - as uncomfortable as it was. I tried sitting in her lap, but she got up before I could manage it.

"Oh, I don't think so." She said it so calmly that I groaned. This would be bad - if Xena planned on tormenting me, I was in for quite an experience. That was what I had wanted, but all I needed was for her to touch me. "Not how my interrogation works. I tease you and then you tell me everything."

"Wait-wait ... I want your fingers ..." I whispered, arching subtly as she walked away. "Xena ..."

When she came back a moment later, she was setting down those furs I'd been hoping for. I wordlessly crawled over, and laid on my side when she instructed me to do so. She wanted it in a particular way, and I was more than willing to do as she pleased. In my hungry state, I didn't even care what she might have wanted. As long as she gave me those fingers, I knew I would be happy.

She laid down behind me, tucking one arm under my neck, and I smiled, because that was how we often slept. Her fingers were teasing me again - from behind - before I could ask her anything. "Ughhh ..."

"Tell me everything."

Those long, confident fingers stole all of my power away, and I crumbled as she touched and teased me. I told her all about my fantasies where she tied me up, all the times I'd thought about her taunting me just as she was, and my very shy thoughts about her spanking me. I don't know what had come over me, but she'd slapped me there once in the heat of the moment, and I just couldn't seem to get it out of my mind since. And then, just as she was entering me with those perfect fingers - two of them because she could - I told her about my curiosity for what we had seen in that strange shop all that time ago. I had heard about her using one in a story or two she'd very carefully told me, where she'd been wearing one of those phallic toys, and ever since being pregnant, it was like I couldn't let go of the image. My body craved to know that feeling.

"Oh, I'll fill you up," she mumbled in that throaty tone that had me weak all over again. I drew my knee up as she was spooning me from behind, and I reached my hand down to pull myself open for her. I don't know what exactly came over me, because I'd never done it quite like that before, but it seemed so natural. I was so ready for her, and I wanted to encourage what she was promising to me.

Believe me - she was encouraged.

At first, two fingers very slowly sunk into me so that I was breathless and wanton all at once. She very seldom used two fingers, and I was still incredibly tight. Then, just as I was becoming accustomed to the size of her fingers inside of me, it thickened with another finger. I screamed out and grabbed the blanket from under us, but she was right there reading my body. Listening to the breaths I exhaled. She could see that I was enjoying it - that she would just have to go very slow. But with how wet I was, and how she'd wetted her fingers, it didn't take long until they were drawn inside of me. She kept them there for a moment as I relaxed on my side – always so patient. Seductively, she started teasing my mouth with fingers from her other hand. What on earth was she doing? I didn't even have time to wonder before I heard her hot voice in my ear.

"Open."

The sensuality and command of her voice were enough for me to do as she asked. I wanted to know how it would feel. I wanted to know what she wanted me to do. She was turning me on in so many ways that I couldn't even understand it. I simply gave in to my baser needs, and licked at her two fingers as they slipped past my lips. Into my mouth.

As I licked her fingers, Xena started moving her other hand again, and I was quickly grinding against it. I was so full it felt wild. I had told her everything I could think of, and this was my reward. She was filling me just like I had fantasized. She was moving her fingers in my mouth like she'd thought about it for months, and just never had the courage to try it with me. Of course, that WAS the case.

As thick as her fingers were inside of me, she wasn't too rough about it. They were rubbing in all the right places, but they were slow. They were pleasing me, and yet they were cautious.

"When I don't have to worry ..." she breathed down into my ear again, licking my neck. "I'm gonna fuck you ... so hard ..."

My entire body tingled, and I moved with more purpose as her fingers picked up their pace. "Ffu mmm," I mumbled with her fingers still in my mouth. I wanted her to fuck me.

"Excuse me, I didn't hear you," she grinned. I could hear that wicked tone from her, and it drove me right to the edge. She could certainly be terrible when I asked for it.

I moved my head to try and rid my mouth of those fingers, but she quickly slapped her hand over my mouth instead. She pushed her other fingers all the way into me, and then kept them there. She knew I was hers to do with as she pleased, and that satisfied her completely. From the way she was holding me, I could tell that she had wanted it for a very long time. Why hadn't I asked before?

Her hot breath sent me tingles.

"I said ... I didn't hear you."

I loved her so powerfully in that moment, giving me everything I needed. It was so sensual and messy and bad. It was perfect. She wanted me roughly, but that wasn't how she took me then. She very slowly and lovingly moved her fingers inside of me until I couldn't take it anymore. Until I came hard for her with my body a trembling mess.

The real fun was in my payback, I must say. It was as if Xena was explosive, and the eruption wasn't far off. Just as I'd requested she lay on her back, she was surrendering to me - staring at me in wait. I smiled so widely that she shut her eyes. Was she ever desperate; she just didn't want to see that reflected in my eyes, but I liked that idea very much, so I leaned over her and waited until she opened her eyes again.

When she was looking at me, I was staring back at her. She could become as worked up as I'd ever seen her when she wanted me. I hadn't even done anything to her just then, but her thoughts were taking her for quite a ride, and I enjoyed the expression to go along with those feelings she had.

Knowing what I had just enjoyed, I know that Xena felt I might be capable of some very interesting things myself.

I didn't tease by saying that I wasn't sure if I should touch her, because I knew she would suddenly be worried about me leaning over with my pregnant stomach, but I did lick my lips and listen to that beautiful whimper that excited me to the edge of my sanity. It thrilled me - knowing how weak my tongue could make her, too. She always insisted I didn't understand the power it held over her.

"Want something?" I grinned, sensing that she would have gone wild if it weren't for the baby bump reminding her to be gentle.

She carefully took my fingers, and opened her mouth as she drew them in. I had never seen her do that before, and I can't think of a way to describe how it made me feel - it was a mix of so many things. As she allowed my fingers in her mouth, she was staring at me, giving me this sense of power I didn't quite understand. It was even more powerful than the times when I took control of her, because this had been by her suggestion. She was telling me that she wanted me to do things I hadn't even requested to try. I leaned over her, and somehow managed to keep my balance as her tongue weakened me. It ran over one of my fingers, over the other, and then both before it snuck between them, and then she was pulling my hand closer.

I think she enjoyed that my hand was smaller than hers in comparison, and that I was so stunned that all I could do was watch. It allowed her to tease me in her own, confident way. It felt like she was revealing her desires to me, too, and it was a quiet, tender moment between us amidst the rampant excitement.

It was hard for her to restrain herself, but she waited while I teased and then satisfied her - filling her and kissing her as I whispered my many ideas. By the time she was completely exhausted, there was a fire in her eyes that told me it had just begun.

For the next few months, we recounted stories from our fantasies quite openly to each other, and thought about acting our rougher ideas out one day when it was safer to do so. I think out of everything we thought of together, her desires to spank me overwhelmed her most.

She had a shy sort of reaction whenever I would mention spanking, and she never mentioned it at all. It was as if the idea was sitting calmly in the back of her mind - developing and plotting - as she waited for her opportunity to act on it. I was naive to just how busy we would be with a new baby, but the long talks about our desires often kept me heated at night.

During the day, I was warmed with laughter at Xena's many adorable reactions to our adventures.

One of my favorite stories of Xena's protection over me during my pregnancy started one bleak evening, when Xena and I had stopped in at a pub. It's one of my favorite stories to tell because it's absolutely priceless, and I don't know of all the details exactly, but it always brings a smile to my face. Xena has filled in some of my uncertainties, so I have nearly the full picture by now.

It all started when I was minding my business and drinking a water at the pub's bar while Xena scowled at others and went to pick out a nice table. It was a nice, cozy place, and I was beginning to warm up to it when suddenly a man appeared at my side - grinning at me. I tried to force a smile just to be polite, but then he spoke.

"That man's a fool."

I'm sure I made quite an amusing expression, as I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. "Excuse me ...?"

"The man who left you to fend for yourself in a place like this ... in a situation ... as you have yourself in ..."

My eyes fell down - along with his - to my very pregnant belly. I glanced up again, and then I was confused. Men couldn't possibly find that attractive, I wondered, but he was looking at me in a very particular way, and I didn't like it.

"You can't be serious."

"It's uh ... it's a nice figure," he smiled, but it was in this toothy way that told me he was just excited I might be an easy lay. "And it's nice you can't get knocked up any further."

He had a good laugh, and my jaw actually dropped. I knew exactly what he was intending to say, and I was offended, to say the least.

When I tore my eyes from the moron at my side, my lips relaxed into a smile. There behind him - standing a few paces back - was my beautiful warrior, trying to restrain herself from aggression. However, in that particular case, I think I might have welcomed it. Admittedly, I was glad for her self-control, but more importantly to know I was safe.

"I actually, umm ... I need to get going."

I could tell he wanted to grab me to take another chance at me, but something was restraining him. Little did I know at the time, it was Xena. Boy, was she ever fast.

By the time I had found a nice table, I covered my smile as I watched Xena swing her arm over the man's shoulders. They were facing the bar, so I couldn't hear or see the conversation, but Xena has since shared with me the flow of their little chat.

"She's attractive, I know."

He laughed, and agreed. Then Xena told him it wasn't a good idea to be coming onto a pregnant woman in such a way. It was rude and ungentlemanly. Apparently, he scoffed at that, which did him no favors.

His next words did nothing to rekindle Xena's patience: "Ungentlemanly? ... I don't even HEAR the word. I was being as soft with her as I could manage ... if you know what I mean ..."

As I watched them from far off, Xena almost seemed to be close friends with the man, but she had such interesting tactics. I should have known she was psyching him out. I suppose she figured if her lifestyle wouldn't allow her to defeat him with her fist, she would defeat him with her wits.

"You know," she started, "Rumour has it that she's shacked up with the Warrior Princess herself."

"Xena?" he scoffed again, turning to look at me - joined by those mesmerising blue eyes – and I blushed down at the table.

"Yup. That's the one ... So I'd be careful if I were you. I'd apologize while my head were still attached to my neck." She patted him on the back as she leaned on the bar and kept her eyes on him. "Whaddya say?"

"I ain't apologizin-"

"You know, it would really be a shame to have to bring her out," she exhaled, clasping her hand over the back of his neck just as they had turned back to the bar. I could see it from my seat, and the only reason I could see what she was doing was how tense he had suddenly become. It looked as if it took no effort on her part - that strong, muscular arm ... but I digress.

As he looked up to her for a good, long observation, he realized just who he was looking at, and immediately weakened his posture in submission. Xena hadn't told me everything after that, but from what I gather, she threatened him into apologizing, because he practically crawled over to me to insist he hadn't meant any harm.

The man quickly left, and as the door swung closed behind him. I looked over at Xena, and shyly smiled at the way she could always take care of me. She always loved me so much I could feel it from long distances and even in my sleep. She had this way of appreciating me that transcended time itself. In fact, much of my uncomfortable moments in my pregnancy slipped past with her attention and help. Some of it seemed like a blur, what with my exhaustion and soreness and emotional upsets. I still can't believe how well she dealt with my 'complicated' personality then, but she always said she did it gladly. Even the complaining she could take, but the one time she really lost control was when I finally went into labor.

I was in pain, but I didn't know what was happening until my water broke. We both knew from our own small research just what that meant, and Xena was quick to find me a healer in the town where we were staying. During that last month, she was very careful not to drift too far from any healer's services.

She insisted on staying in there with me, but I could see what my pain was doing to her. She was crumbling and terrified, as much as she could calm herself - she was panicked. I tried to breathe just as the man instructed for me to do, but the pain was so awful that I screamed a number of times, grasping for her hand and squeezing it when I couldn't tolerate the pain myself. I had never told her that I saw it, but she was weak with me in those moments - those long hours. She would have done anything to keep me from that pain, but she knew there was nothing she could do. She wanted nothing to possibly injure me further or compromise the baby's safety. Still, she was a mess there beside me, as aware as she surely was. Both of us were one big mess, sobbing and pushing through the pain until the baby was out and the cord had been cut.

When I held the baby for the first time, I had no idea whether it was a boy or a girl, and I didn't care. It was beautiful, and it was ours. I cradled it under my neck - drenched in sweat myself - and then with tears in my eyes, I passed it off to Xena. I was so exhausted I could hardly keep my eyes open, but I remember so clearly the look on her face as she held the still-bloodied baby. It was shock. She loved it so instantly that I think she was shocked by her own feelings. She felt so much for that tiny little being, and she just seemed to know how to hold it.

When she looked down at me, my smile took up my entire expression. Watching her with that tiny baby in her big, strong arms melted me and I finally relaxed. I asked that she leave with the baby while the healer took care of everything, because she'd seen enough of the blood. She was resistant, but when I asked her more certainly, she gave me my wish, and walked out.

Later, I woke up with a soreness all over my body and a little breath on my shoulder. My eyebrows tugged each way as I came to consciousness just as I realized why that little breath was so familiar even in all of my confusion. It was my baby, lying just beside me - swaddled quite expertly. Xena was staring at me as I came to.

"You gave us a baby," she whispered, almost as if she weren't so emotional about it, but I could see that glimmer in her eyes, and relaxed all over again, resting my hand on the baby's blankets. "A beautiful baby boy."

I opened my eyes fully, and felt emotional all over again. "A boy ...?"

"The healer told me, and then I checked myself just to make sure he made no mistake."

I chuckled quietly with tears in my eyes. "Xena ..."

"And I learned how to wrap him up like that ... so we can keep him warm."

"Xena ..." I honestly didn't even know what to say. The amount of love we had for each other was only growing, and I had no idea what to say or what to do. Nothing seemed logical just then - it all seemed like a dream. I wanted her to cradle me as I cradled our little child. I wanted her behind me so she could keep me warm while I slept, and to protect the sleeping baby boy. But what would we name him?

Xena and I both settled on Alexander. It was a Greek name she had always favored because she felt it was soft like me - Aleksander. I liked it, but I prefered it with an X to commemorate a woman of great strength and beauty. And so he was named Alexander, for each of our reasons and with incredible depth to guide him through the many difficulties we worried he might face.

He had those beautiful blue eyes of hers, but the almost white-blond color of hair I was told I had as a child. It was as if he held a perfect mix of our qualities - both physically and emotionally. As he grew into a toddler, we began to see his personality take light, and those were the most fantastical days I had ever experienced. He was such a strong and creative child. He was always so perfect and considerate - so determined and kind. So energetic and yet graceful at the same time.

While Alexander was still a baby, Xena and I travelled shortly with him - quickly realizing how impossible it had become, and we began discussing what we would do next. Xena wanted to settle down. I know just how improbable that would seem from an outside perspective, but she loved that baby more than life itself, and she just wanted him to have a safe and happy childhood. She knew that adulthood would bring him a whole new breed of adjectives, but we both wished happiness to the boy's younger years. And happy he received.

We walked up the base of a smattering of mountains, and we settled there so we could have access to food, fresh water, and a nice roof over our heads. Xena was quick to build, and I was becoming more capable of feeding Alexander myself (although I must admit, I think Xena enjoyed helping me). Some nights, my nipples were so sore that tears overcame me, but Xena was always so understanding, and she simply held me after Alexander had fallen asleep. She had a softness to her that could rival her darker past - I was sure of that.

By the time a proper shelter had been built for us, winter was coming upon us all, and the usual humid weather turned to a bitter coldness. Because of that, I spent most of my days in the cabin with the baby, and Xena took care of everything else. We raised him into childhood in that small but comfortable cabin. A cabin she slowly built up as one year turned into two - as his first steps turned into his first words.

We built a family in that perfect little cottage in the woods. And I'll be damned if she didn't build the perfect cabin, just like I'd always imagined. Some warm summer days, I scooped Alexander up in my arms and paced around the cabin just to admire it as he squirmed and then tottered on his own feet to try to run over to his little pile of block toys.

Just as he had learned to play all by himself, I felt like my old self physically, and I came back into a sense of my own sexuality. Certainly as the months had rolled past to heal my body after giving birth to Alexander, Xena and I became intimate once again, but it was often an uphill battle, because my body just wasn't the same. It didn't react in the same ways. But as Alexander became a curious toddler, I felt that I was settling into my new sense of self. My breasts were still slightly larger, but I had been working out next to my little child as he played, and I felt that my stomach was back to its slender shape. I felt more confident about myself, and therefore accepted more of Xena's attention. I felt guilty accepting my old, passionate feelings for her with a child along, but I made a definite show of accepting her attentions.

I think she could sense my shyness, and she was incredibly patient with me. However, she had been wanting for so long that one day she surprised me as I entered our little room. She rushed over to me from behind, and clapped her hand over my mouth. While I could feel it was her, I still was perplexed – and a little excited, I might add. My confusion quickly surfaced as I struggled from the hand, whispering back to my love: "What're you doing ...?"

"He's asleep in his bed," she whispered right into my ear, watching as I braced my hands on our bedroom door and relaxed in her arms. "He's fast asleep ... I just want some time with you ... I want it, Gabrielle ..."

I must say, after hearing our son call me Mama Elly, and Xena Mama Xeny all the time for simplicity, we had begun to call each other by those names in his presence as well. But hearing her whisper my real name that way sent me shivers. This was the old us. This was the animalistic us that survived in the dark out in the woods for weeks on end, surviving our lust only by quenching the need every night. I had tingles just remembering how desperate I always was for her agile fingers. How I used to dream of how they would feel inside me.

They were pressed against my cheek just then, silencing me once more with her tongue on my neck, and I was hers to do with as she pleased.

We had to be quiet - Xena knew that. We both knew it, but it was still difficult to contain ourselves after it had been so long since we'd made love. Sometimes we went weeks and weeks without it, although Xena did often manage to brush my leg with her fingers at night or kiss me a little too tenderly each morning.

As she pulled me back to bed, I wriggled free with a great big smile, and leapt under the covers. She softly followed me in, touching me as she knew best.

It always surprised me - just how much better it felt for her to touch me than for me to touch myself.

Another day with such desire, I was inside cleaning our room as Xena was outside playing with Alex when a similar idea sprouted in my mind. As she stood to her full height just outside our high bedroom window, her height allowed for me to watch her face as the idea was planted. I closed the door tightly, and unlaced my top to pull it over my head. Immediately, she caught the action, and stared into the window, at me. She watched me climb onto the bed as she stepped a little closer to the side of the cabin, smoothing her hand onto the ledge as I laid on my back and licked my fingers. Xena's eyes went wide and she watched as I slowly touched myself. Her attention toward my body then had me wild with mischief and a wanton energy I hadn't felt in some time. I think I surprised her with my audacity to tease so openly, but she certainly enjoyed the short show. I must admit that was more exciting than when I did it alone, but nothing compared to the way she touched me or kissed me. Or licked me.

Nothing compared to our love. Xena always could surprise me with her tenderness and patience.

Nothing compared to her protection over me or our son, either. We both were very careful with him, knowing how many people would gladly use him to draw us in if they knew just who he was. That was really why we chose to live such a quiet life, and why Xena enjoyed it so. I think she'd always enjoyed living on the road, but she knew it was too dangerous with a baby.

However, as Alex grew into a young boy, his adventurous personality took light, and it was hard to keep tabs on him at any time of the day. He would be playing in front of the house one moment, and as quickly as I would turn my head, he'd be running off into the woods, simulating a game of tag with only himself.

I could tell he was getting lonely, what with no other children to play with, and he was a very energetic young boy. His sandy blond hair and those icy blue eyes were rare qualities in those parts, and adorable. He was so adorable I could hardly believe it sometimes. He was the perfect little boy. Still, Xena could see what I could see – that he needed some company – and so she promised we could travel if he could keep responsible, and stay close when we asked him to.

Very quickly, the agreement took off, and we packed our things to take one last look at the house he'd grown up in. Alex didn't seem particularly perturbed by leaving it, but I touched the door with my hand, and my eyes grew teary. That small house meant so much to me. But with Xena's comforting hand on my shoulder, I turned away from the cabin, and walked with her to catch up to our active son.

"What's that?" he asked in his soft - almost feminine - boy-ish voice.

Xena smiled like she always did at his curiosity, glancing down to her right hip. "It's my chakram."

"No, I know," he beamed, his blond hair sweeping into his eyes as he scratched at his bangs and took another hop forward. "You told me that already. I mean ... that thing it's on."

He inquired his question with intrigue as he stepped back respectively to watch his two mothers walk along.

He had such a knack for language - Xena always commended me for that. Even at the age of two, he had been talking up a storm, and at times, she used to roll her eyes when faced away from him, and grin down to me as if to say 'like mother, like son.'

As we walked there with him - then, at the incredible age of five - Xena tugged at the leather. "It just keeps my chakram nice and close until I need it." She demonstrated how she would pull it off. "Like this ... and then it's free. It's a strange invention, but I'm afraid I can't take the credit. I didn't make it."

"Then who? Mama Elly?"

"No," Xena smiled, finding it ridiculous to comparatively think of me and the people she used to run with, I'm sure. "Old friends of mine."

"Watch where you're going!" I interrupted as a tree root stuck up, and he stumbled backwards over it.

"Got my grace," Xena mumbled to me, but he easily caught it. His hearing was miraculous.

"What's grace?"

Oh boy, was he ever curious. I couldn't have counted the number of questions he asked every day, even if I WERE up for the challenge. At first, Xena was easily annoyed by it, but we quickly both took a liking to it - knowing that we were teaching him all about the world. We explained the word to him then, and he happily remarked that he had his Mama Xeny's 'sword-liking' as he called it. He'd never learned how to play-fight, because both Xena and myself were weary of what it might bring him. He picked up on things so easily that a part of us worried he would throw himself into battle at the ripe age of six.

I knew that someday he would learn, but I wanted so badly to put it off. I wanted him to remain a child for as long as possible, but on he went - learning new things and taking care of himself. He was too young to be very strong, but he was a smart little boy. We both had a great respect for him, along with the love we'd always held for our wonderful child.

Sometimes I would watch him sleep, and I would imagine him fully grown. What would he want to do with his life? How far would he run from us when he could? - As I had done. As Xena had done even earlier. At the thought of Xena's past, I always looked down with great sadness, and then over to my beautiful partner who often pretended sleep for my sake. I would curl up next to her, kiss her shoulder, and sleep myself.

We didn't spend very long on the road with Alex until we were coming along to a small village. Seeing as he was not accustomed to such places, we tried to prepare him, thinking he would feel a little overwhelmed. I can not describe the joy I saw on his face when he saw all those people moving about! His youthful cheeks pinkened, and he raced off into the crowd, worrying both Xena and myself, although we knew he would be safer without his association to us. We watched him from afar as he played with two other boys who lived in the area. And while I longed to run out and keep a closer eye on him, Xena kept me snug to her hip, and we smiled at his playfulness. I knew she could sense he was in no danger, so I tried to relax, but it was all so new. And he always seemed so reckless.

As a matter of fact, we spent the whole day in town - Xena and I very quietly having a good time, and our son leading all the other kids in a continuous game of tag. I would walk around to glance at the many shops, and Xena would drape her arm over my shoulder just to keep me company as I browsed, assuring me Alex would be alright.

Her long, raven-black hair danced over her shoulders as the wind took it, and all I could do was stare at her once we'd stopped. Through all the time we'd shared, her beauty still took me by surprise. I know she could see what my expression was, but she never said a word of it. She just kept her half-hidden grin, and on we went again, enjoying each other's company. Watching Alex play. It was so nice to be in the company of a village again. It was like old times. In more ways than we liked, of course.

"The leather suits you," a man interrupted, stepping up to Xena just as she was holding up a scarf to feel its texture.

I could hear the conversation from my two feet away, but I kept my eyes trained on the food offered to me. All I could do was smile as I sensed that brow lift up in disbelief.

Xena's voice gave me a chuckle: "... Excuse me?"

"The leather," he grinned as I turned to see he was gesturing to her bodice. "It's a ... nice touch."

"I'm not selling."

She could always be so funny, and even when she was trying purposefully to be serious. I glanced around her at Alex, who had picked up on a new game of knights and thieves. My eyes went wide because it was the first time I'd seen him playing that way, and he'd caught on so impossibly fast.

Xena turned to my concern, and I'm sure she was concerned too, but she didn't show it. She simply turned back to the man who had been speaking when no one was listening.

"S'cuse me," she said, walking over to our little boy as I watched. She stood on the periphery of the game with her hands on her hips and straightened up as if she were seeing him off on his own journey of life. As if she would never see him again.

I was quickly there behind her, and then at her side. I didn't say anything because I'd never seen that look on her face before, and it worried me. It matched with her stance.

Very gently, I put my hand on her lower back, and then cuddled in toward her, where she held me half-heartedly. Her worry was taking over her completely, but I was just glad I could be there with her - watching our son play-fight with other little boys. And he was besting them with gusto. He was good with that little stick he'd picked up, and fast on his legs. He was even agile for a child his age. Swift and knowledgeable without having learned the traits. My breath caught in my throat, and I moved to go and get him, but Xena held me to her hip and watched along with me as if she were speaking to me. _Let him find this in himself_, she was saying in her silence. _This is a part of him. Don't fear, love. All boys grow to men_.

But I was scared. My boy wasn't a man - he was still a boy. Still, I knew she was right, so I watched there with her as he picked up on strategies much quicker than I ever had. It was in his blood. It ran thick in Xena's blood. It had me wondering if its strength was growing with each generation.

Later that evening, as we were all seated at a table to eat - Alex between the two of us - Xena finally spoke in what felt like a day of complete silence.

"Had fun today, Olly?"

She liked calling him that. The nickname had begun once he had started speaking, and had misspoken his own name. With great affection, Xena had begun to call him the name, and it stuck. It was so precious that I never teased either of them about it, and he never batted an eye. I think he had taken a great liking to it. I called him Xander from time-to-time, and he liked that, too.

As he licked his fingers of the grease from his meat, he smiled up at her. "Yeah, lots!"

Xena forced a smile for his sake, but he could still sense her stern tone of voice. "Good ... that's good. But you know ... fighting is real, Olly."

"Yeah, and-"

Her hand went up, so he waited for her to finish. He had a great respect for Xena's authority in particular.

"Fighting is real, and it's not always fun. People get hurt."

He nodded in the obedient way every child seems to innately learn. He was listening closely to her, even though the dining room was filled with patrons. Xena's voice was the only voice he heard.

"I want you to be very careful with this gift you have."

He seemed utterly confused, but she didn't elaborate exactly what she meant. I think she felt that Alexander discovering it for himself would hold more power. So with that, she got up and brought our plates to the counter, explaining to him as she left that barmaids had it hard enough without us leaving a big, careless mess. We both worked very hard at teaching him respect for all people - women included.

Alexander was quieter that evening, lost in thought. It was so intriguing to watch his perfect little round face work every muscle as his expressions changed even after Xena had enjoyed a pint of ale. He sat on the other side of the table as Xena discussed with me where we should stay for the night, and I could see that he enjoyed being privy to real, adult conversations of others around us, too. It was a new world for him, and it grew on him immediately. It was hard to see him take to it all so eagerly.

We spent two days there, and then travelled on the road for another week before we came to the next village, and Alexander pleaded with us to stay again. With a roll of our eyes (as if we hadn't already intended to do so anyway), we promised it, and he was sprinting away ahead of us.

Xena and I held hands because we both wanted to keep him close, but we also knew that he was a child, and he deserved to live like one. Not a prisoner to our pasts. We had to find a way to keep him safe while allowing him to have his childhood.

Oddly enough, it was in a room with both Xena and myself that he was taken from us one night. It was pitch dark - the middle of the night - when I woke up to Xena yelling and leaping from the bed to grab the man who was blocking her exit - throwing him up against the wall. I leapt up too, in shock. Looking around with panic.

"Alex?! ... Alex?" I screamed, then whispered with the loss, realizing he was gone. I ran out into the hall where others had opened their doors to see what had happened. We were a spectacle, just like old times. We were a target. My Alexander was a target. Suddenly I was sick to my stomach, but I couldn't stop. I ran out of the inn, and looked around at the darkness hovering over the trees. "Alex! ..." I panted and my eyes searched the nothingness. "Xena?!"

What had happened? That was my only thought. I knew that Xena wanted me to stay put, but I would have run if I knew which direction they had taken my son. Without even a clue, I fell hopelessly to the ground and sobbed. I couldn't believe what had happened.

I was alone for what felt like hours but must have only been minutes, and then I heard fast footsteps approaching me. I recognized them; I looked up.

"They have him ... her name's Callisto ... she ... I don't know why ... we've gotta get him ... I don't want you hurt ... I want you to stay here."

She was muttering incoherently for a moment here or there - clearly rife with concern - but she'd clearly said "we've gotta get him" so I know she understood the look I gave her when I picked my head up. She knew I was coming with her. Even if it was a subconscious understanding, she knew it well.

I could see she had taken quite a few hits, but there was no time for questions. We both hurried in the direction she pointed toward, finding Argo just where we left her (tired, but always willing to help). Xena mounted the horse, swinging her arm down to me just like old times. "Give me your hand."

As if I needed instruction. As if I would have done anything else.

I slapped my hand to her forearm, and her hand closed around mine. Lifting me up.

We sat atop Argo together for once in ages, because there had never been a reason for it. That beautiful horse had been kept as a part of the family rather than transportation for years, but there Xena I were - sitting astride the old girl. She was just as sturdy as ever, promising us safe passage as Xena took the reins. She was guaranteeing her devotion, even in her tired animal age.

I slipped my arms around Xena's waist just like I always did, and we rode.

In the darkness, we became what we always were. I could feel Xena's anger and violence exhaled as she pulled on the reins in her hands, holding so tightly they bit into her hands. It was as if I could smell the darkness on her. It was creeping in, and I just held on tighter, praying that it leave her just as quickly. Praying that Alexander wouldn't be harmed. What had we been thinking to let him run free around with all the other children? Because he wasn't any other child. He would always have to live with the burden of being our son - a target to those who would wish us harm.

I tried not to cry as Xena rode Argo off, into the dark and then into the sunrise. She rode as we both became sore. As I cried. She rode as she screamed, echoing her agony between the mountains.

There was a menace before us - the villain Xena was chasing through her senses so keen. However, I sensed that with this new shift within Xena, the villain wouldn't stand much of a chance, no matter their evil. I could feel Xena's determination, and the thick, black darkness returning that had lurked for so long as she pushed it away so expertly. But there up on Argo, Xena cloaked herself in that contagion, never reassuring me or crying herself. This wasn't my Xena. This was an old Xena I had never known, and I was so scared to lose my partner forever.

"Just come back to me," I said onto her shoulder as Argo galloped on with devotion to her master. I held on tight to the abdomen twisted with agony – whoever it was. The saddle slapped at our thighs as we rode through and through. "Don't lose yourself, Xena ... please. Please come back to me."

Her jaw was clenched as she went to turn back to me, but something stopped her halfway, and then she focused ahead as her immaculate senses drove us in the right direction. Her hair whipped back as I ducked as close as I could get, shutting my eyes there behind her. The thick black hair was cast over my own, and I was blanketed in her dark tangles. The wind never relented as we rode on. Alexander was in our minds and hearts. Xena was lost to anything else.


	11. Chapter 11

Note to readers:

There are 13 chapters to this story, so we are nearing the end.

* * *

Part 11

Arriving at our destination was scary enough on its own. It was some kind of fortress – armed heavily – but Xena didn't hesitate. She drew out her sword as I held tightly to her, and she obliterated anyone who dared to defy her at the gate, threatening one of the men quite successfully to open it and let us in.

Once inside, men charged at her, but there was no competition. She'd slipped off of Argo before I could even realize the trouble we'd gotten ourselves into, and pushed her sword into each of them. Life or death was no issue in her conscience then. I could tell there was no thought before her kills. They were all necessary to her - all the casualties. I was terrified, watching her work. She was as vicious as anyone I had ever seen. She was worse. I held back tears for the Xena I had come to know - the one who had obviously been shut out through her desperation to find her son. The Xena that had worked so hard to find her true self was kept under house arrest while her old habits came to the surface, brimming with blood and glory. She would find our son, but I worried how she would return to me once we had him safely back in our arms.

Having fought the courtyard empty, she stood straight and ordered me: "Off" in a way that told me there was still a piece of her old self restraining her. I could see this Xena had no patience, and would have easily pulled me off of Argo just for ease's sake. My knee-length brown skirt had less give than her leathers, so I always took longer than her, but she never minded before. This Xena was reckless, and yet she'd ordered for me to do it myself. Had she known she could hurt me? That she very well might have if she hadn't cared for me like she did?

Patting Argo as coldly as I'd ever seen her do it, Xena directed the horse to go make herself scarce. What had this horse been through, I wondered. And what a strange thought it was. Had Argo known the old Xena, and come to terms with it? The horse had such wonderful instincts, and such incredible dedication. It was clear that Xena had never mistreated her. Maybe even defended her? - Xena's only companion. How sad it all was, staring up at Xena's cold expression. So focused and sure. "Inside. Let's go."

I was scared, but I did as she said. I knew she would lead us to him - to our son. I was running in behind her as she barged into a set of doors that seemed to be taunting us both. She easily slipped down a flight of stairs, but there were two more guards. I didn't know what to do with myself while she fought them off, so I slipped by along the wall until I reached the bottom of the sort of fortress where everything appeared to be made of stone. Everything but the people there, all at one woman's command, and my breath caught in my throat at what I'd walked myself into. 'This must be her - Callisto' I thought, breathing heavy with my palms opened to her. "Please ... please don't hurt him." All I wanted was my son safe in my arms.

"Take _you_, too?" the blond woman cackled, snapping her fingers as two men surprised me from behind to grab my arms and hold me still at the other end of the large room. I fought them, but there was no use in the matter. They were each at least double my size. Their arms were taut with muscles unnatural to mankind. I hung my head in apology as Xena ran down the stairs to see both her partner AND her son held captive. I certainly hadn't done her any favors.

When I finally looked up in the silence, I noticed that she had blood on her, but it wasn't her own. She hadn't even broken a sweat. Her eyes were simply trained on Alexander who was gagged but squirming on the giant seat he was tied to. And then her line of sight drifted over to me and my apologetic eyes trying to convey my shame at being had so easily. I had just wanted to help. I wanted to save my son, and yet the child and I were both in the same situation. My poor son - I had tried and failed. I only hoped that Xena would forgive me.

"How fun ... just like old times, isn't it, Xe-naaa."

Callisto slowly walked toward Xena, keeping her distance as she spoke again.

"Or don't you remember? ... Setting fire to my village ... Ma and Pa inside ... everyone I know ... dead. Aww, so sad, isn't it?"

Xena just stared at her. I couldn't believe she had nothing to say to that. No rebuttal? No denial? No apology, even?

In an even tone, Xena commanded: "Give me my son."

"And not your little ... plaything? Hmm?"

Alexander was still loudly squirming, so I know he had missed that last part. I didn't waste any energy squirming from the men holding _me_. "Xena ... just trade with her. Take Alexander and go! ... Please."

"Ohhh ... so he's HER son, hmm? ..."

Xena made no effort to respond. She just demanded once again: "Give me. My son."

It was haunting, Xena's tone. Xena still had her sword out, but it wasn't drawn as it was in battle. It was hanging comfortably as she watched her opponent carefully, reading the woman's intent as Callisto came closer - each of them turning away from Alexander and closer to me.

"You see ... I was thinking ... it might be more fun to keep them both. You know ... a family for a family." Callisto teased horribly, digging herself in deeper. "I know all about your reputation, Xe-na ..."

It was playful without reason. It was teasing with no audience. It was strange and sick, and Xena was quickly unimpressed with the woman's intentions.

"I will cut you limb from limb," Xena muttered, turning to the platinum blond at her side. The woman seemed so small in frame, as if her muscles had deflated or never grown to begin with. She looked almost sickly, but her power was in her dedicated servants. And clearly her weapon was verbal torment - she was good at getting under a person's skin. She was already getting under mine. But Xena was immune. She appeared entirely unfeeling.

"Oh, now where would the fun be in THAT? ..."

"Xena! - Just let them-" But a hand was quickly clapped over my mouth at Callisto's signal, and all of my words were muffled by thick fingers that kept my lips sealed. "MM nnmm ffmmm!" Still, I tried to talk to my love. To reason the situation into something, but I was powerless - everything restricted.

"I think she was gonna tell you not to drift into that deep, sad darkness," Callisto teased, licking her lips as I tried screaming past the hand over my mouth – didn't she see she was only making matters worse? Callisto looked to Xena and grinned, but what met her smirk surprised us both.

Xena took one step closer to Callisto, tilting her head down so that her eyes were shadowed. It took Xena a moment to speak, but as she did, I was just thankful our son was far out of earshot - even for his impeccable hearing.

"I will lose myself ... to a SEA ... of darkness ... to gain my revenge ... if you hurt them," Xena promised so easily that I trembled. Her nose flared to show the truth in her passion, but her eyes remained trained on Callisto. There was a grin tugging at her lips with the certainty of that statement, and we all could sense it as she went on: "You see ... I don't think you really ... know all that much about me ... not really." Xena held up her sword between them as she ran her finger along the flat central ridge.

Callisto tried watching with an indifferent expression as the warrior licked the end of the sword, tasting the blood she'd collected.

"I like ... the dark. And that day ... the day you met me, little girl ..." The blood was still on Xena's bottom lip, but she didn't care. She was smiling. "I was out for a stroll ... now imagine how I might greet you if I were angry ..." She ran her tongue along the face of the sword's silver face, almost hungrily taking the blood onto her tongue. And just as quickly, she spat it at Callisto, marking the other woman's leathers with her blood. "You'd like THAT ... even less. I promise you ..." Xena's voice was giving me chills. "I would DESTROY you."

The two women had stepped closely together for their little discussion, but I could sense that Callisto hadn't understood exactly what she was getting herself into. She looked to be about my age, and holding a genuine amount of anger toward Xena, but I don't think she had any idea how dangerous Xena might be with her loved ones held captive. None of us did. It scared me, too.

In a low whisper, Xena leaned so close that she could inhale Callisto's breath. "I like blood ... I wonder how yours ... tastes ..." It was said with such hatred that I had no chance to feel jealous, but I was terrified at seeing THAT Xena show herself. I had never imagined it might be so horrifying. Had she carried herself that way ever before? Ever spoken that way to another person before this? My mind was racing with questions to which I never wanted the answers.

Needless to say, Callisto took a generous step away from Xena, realizing that her presence wouldn't have quite the effect she had intended with the dark warrior. But as she turned away from Xena, she was trying to steel herself the strength to act unafraid. Even I could sense that, and I was already in a panic. I was squirming wildly as Xena took the chance to dash over toward Alexander. Quite easily, she killed both men who attempted to attack her, so she could go to our son's side. She made quick work of the ropes, even though I'm sure the knots were strongly tied. And as Alexander hopped down from the chair and pulled the gag down to his neck, Xena pulled him close, staring over at Callisto. Alexander didn't move - he wasn't sure what to do. As always, he waited for his mothers' suggestions, but I was too busy trying to pull myself free, and Xena seemed frozen in her place. And then, without warning, her eyes closed, and she forced a smile for the boy. She was whispering something to him, he nodded, and then he ran past Callisto and back up the stairs.

I screamed into the man's hand that still covered my mouth, so fearful of where Alexander had gone without us, but then I forced myself to settle down for Xena's sake. I knew I would be no help without my sanity, so I took deep breaths in through my nose. But I felt so weak.

I started to cry silent tears without my meaning to, but I couldn't feel Xena's eyes on me like they always would be in such a state. I felt without her in that supportive sense to which I'd grown accustomed. I was certain she would get me out of there alive, but a part of me worried what would happen next. I'd heard many stories of her victories, and I wasn't so certain I wanted to be her prize. It shames me to confess my uncertainty, but I really had no idea of which this other Xena was capable.

Even with my doubts and concerns, my tears were for Xena - for all the progress she'd made, and to see it all crumbling before her.

"What do you say we play a game?" Callisto suggested, not having stopped the boy because she knew Xena would have rushed her for it. Killed her. I think at that point, Callisto was trying to back herself out of the situation in the craftiest way, but she was only making the situation worse. She had figured she was the greater evil after all her years of built-up hatred. The shock of seeing Xena so much more venomous really frightened her, I think.

I don't blame her.

Xena just trained her eyes on Callisto as she twirled her bloody sword in hand, a little smirk in wait as she steadied herself for her moment of attack.

But Callisto knew she had one more token left to play, and she wasn't about to pass it over. I could tell it when she looked over at me, from my legs to my face. My eyes went wide. "She makes for ... quite an image, doesn't she?" With a smile, she looked back to Xena, who couldn't keep from glancing me over herself.

Callisto stepped up beside me even as I was trying to tug myself away from her. I was held tightly to the guards as Callisto's slender finger traced along the hem of my skirt, and my knee came up in defense - just missing Callisto's attentive face as she recoiled with laughter.

"A little fight ..." Callisto grinned, glancing back to see that Xena was still staring at me – just staring at me – with her sword in her grip. Her knuckles had gone white.

I shook my head as Xena picked her eyes up to mine, and then I forgot everything else. In that moment, I let Xena see my love for her again, and my devotion. Whatever happened, we were in it together. Even if she completely reverted to her old self, I would be there to bring her back. I always would support her, just as she would do for me in times of hardship. With my eyes, I told her I loved her, despite the monster standing before me in her place.

"So ... been travelling with her long?" Callisto teased, knowing full well we'd been together for over six years. She had done her research - I could hear it in her condescending voice.

Xena nodded, but then trained her eyes back on Callisto. "A fight. You and me."

"Why would we fight ... when this is waiting for you ...?" she taunted, reaching out to tickle my stomach as I squirmed and screamed again. She smiled back at Xena, but realized Xena wasn't smiling back at her.

"I work alone."

"Then ... take this," Callisto laughed, snapping at her guards. "A present from me to you ... a little ... a gift from an admirer ..." She'd heard Xena had changed, but when faced with the dark side of Xena, Callisto found herself enjoying the evil it represented. I was horrified at the young woman's sudden sense of glee.

Both of the men shoved me over to Xena, who grabbed my arm to keep me still. I didn't move in her grasp as Xena spoke with disbelief and anger: "And we leave ... Just like that?"

"I wouldn't dream of following you ... but somehow ... I think we'll meet again," Callisto winked.

I could sense she had something more to say, but Xena was quick to rebute: "Somehow I don't."

It all happened so quickly it's a blur to me, but by the time I dropped my eyes, Callisto was staring up at the ceiling in a pool of her own blood. The guards ran from the monster, otherwise known as Xena, and I was shaking in my spot leaned against the wall. I wanted to be sick, but it wouldn't escape me.

The horrible darkness I'd felt around us was trying to settle on me, and I wanted to shake it off. I wanted to run, but Xena needed me, and I could never leave her. I tried to rid myself of fear as I slowly picked my eyes up to meet hers. It was almost as if Xena's pupils had faded out to take over her irises completely, but I knew the blue was still present in there somewhere. Just shadowed. Xena was still the wonderful woman I knew - I just needed to pull her back to me.

Through my time with Xena, I had come to realize just how powerful an effect I had on her. So I reached out with a slow touch down in that stony hideaway, but she drew away just as quickly. She simply stared at me.

She stood frozen there for long, silent moments, and I watched her face contort with her struggles.

The looks in her eyes ranged from anger and lust to fear and caution. I wish I knew what she was thinking in that time, her eyes darting around and settling on me with such anxiety I had never seen. She was so tormented by her own confusion, and Xena was not one to be uncertain. Still, I felt she was handling it well. Whatever turmoil was bubbling through her, she was fighting it.

Still panting, I glanced around the cave-like basement at last. "Alex ... Alex - where is he?"

"He's on Argo."

I gasped so suddenly it felt like I was choking. My baby - on a horse?! When and where had he learned that? I could see that Xena wanted to answer my unspoken questions, but the subtle twitches she was exhibiting warned me that she still wasn't quite herself.

And then I understood.

"... You don't want him seeing you this way ..."

Xena looked down, and then back up at me. She was trying to shrink her shoulders in, as if that would lessen her authority or aggressive tendencies.

Who was this Xena? What was she capable of? A part of me was afraid of this Xena, but the rest of me shook that off as I met with those eyes - as distant as they were. This woman had mothered a child with me. This woman was my life. I knew her much better than she knew herself.

With great confidence, I held my right palm out to her, up-turned to show her my trust. I looked into her eyes, ignoring the bloody sight from behind her. I knew that each moment there with her was crucial.

Xena clenched her jaw, and tightened her grip just as I noticed the sword was still in her hand. And of all things, I smiled. I smiled because it dawned on me that anyone else in the world would run from this Xena. Any other person would be shaking with fear, and there I was, offering her my trust and support.

"Get outta here," she muttered, standing up to her full height as if that would challenge my tenderness.

It only made me bolder: "Why would I do that, Love?"

This Xena had never been spoken to in such a manner. She seemed to find a twisted sort of humor in my audacity to speak with her that way. Just as I wanted to tease her, I reminded myself that I was not thinking of what THIS Xena was like at all. I had cancelled out the possibility of her hurting me, but was that completely impossible? I wasn't actually sure. I only acted as though I were.

And then I noticed her shaking her head, raking her fingers through her hair as she spat at the ground. She was physically struggling, and I watched the trembles she was experiencing. I wanted to hold her, but I gave her distance as her body required.

Suddenly, she looked up at me again, and for one moment, it was as if she was back with me. But then, without any warning, she was gone again. My beautiful warrior shut her eyes and breathed out through her teeth. In dashes, I saw her. In glimpses, she just as quickly disappeared into her darker past.

"… Xena?"

She didn't answer, so I took a small step closer to her, leaving only one foot of distance between us. It was me - a bard - and the beast raging inside of my warrior. If she were to intend me any harm, I wasn't making it difficult – that was certain. But I knew that somewhere inside of her, no matter how far she had gone, and I knew then that she would keep me safe.

"Just breathe, Love ... I'm here for you."

It looked like she might cry, but she wouldn't open her eyes, so I couldn't be sure. Maybe I was just angering her. Was she trying to stop herself from lashing out at me? I listened to her slow breathing.

Finally, she spoke to me in a voice so commanding I nearly lost my balance.

"Go and find Alexander." She was looking into my eyes, and then down to my lips. As her eyes met mine once again, a chilling sensation took over me, and I nodded.

"I ... yes, I need to find him ... but promise me you won't run."

Her smile told me that THIS Xena wasn't much used to promises. Still, I wasn't scared of pushing her - I was scared FOR her.

"Xena ... please ...?" I gently brought my hands up to hold her face, and she was so thrown by the gesture that she didn't react at all. She just stared at me. "Xena ... the woman I love ... you're gonna be just fine ... you stay with me, Love. Keep strong for me in there."

She gently swatted my hands away, so I turned to leave, but then I stopped myself and looked back at that dark shadow she made standing there. She wanted so badly for me to go. I worried about her by herself, but I also wanted to respect her wishes. I had a feeling my Xena was the one pushing me away.

Unlike my beautiful partner who always stood with confidence, this old identity in her wasn't placing well, and I could see the shaking that wracked her fantastic body. At one point, they had been one - Xena and her darkness. But just then, I felt that they were two entirely different things, and I was glad for it.

I hurried up the stairs and looked around for Argo just as I heard one of Xena's infamous whistles from the basement she was containing herself within. And only a few minutes later, Argo was galloping over to me with my bold and adventurous son at the reins. It made such an image - my little boy atop a great warrior's horse. It was startling.

"Mama Elly," he called to me as he rode closer. Fear in his eyes, unhidden because he'd never learned how to do so. I was glad to hear still a childish tone to his voice. His inexperienced hands fumbled the reins as Argo took him to me.

"Alexander," I exhaled, just so glad that he'd made it safely back to me. "My boy! ... Come here."

I lifted my arms, and he slid down into them, allowing me to hold him there for only a moment before he began to squirm.

"Mama, I tried getting in again to help, but there were guards, and-"

"My Alex," I teared up, touching his delicate little cheeks. "I never want you to think you have to protect us. You're our _child_."

"One day I'll be a man," he said so confidently that it discouraged my fussing over him. I knew it was true, but I also knew it would happen much sooner than I was prepared for. So I put on my best smile, and then stood to my full height, knowing we should leave. I knew Xena would find us later, wherever we would go.

"Let's head East," I offered, easily hoisting myself up onto the ever-tall horse who waited so patiently for us. "Mama Xeny will find us." I leaned down and held my hand down to him out of instinct. To my surprise, he clasped my arm, and I helped him up behind me. It was difficult, even at his slender size, and just then I truly acknowledged how difficult it must have always been for Xena with me.

I knew the best place for me and my son to go was a place with other people, so that the buzzing of other voices might distract us from what we'd just experienced.

As we sat down at one eatery, I spoke with Alex about his being held captive, and it was just as I would have expected. He had certainly been scared, but he insisted he was fine as we sat there together. He liked to show Xena and I how tough he was all the time, as if he had learned the trait somewhere. He was always such a tough, masculine boy, no matter his age.

I knew that Xena would have known just what to say as we sat there with him, and I touched my forehead at that thought. What awful crises was she going through on her own? If it weren't for Alex, I would have remained to see her through it. Oh, how things had changed. I wondered how they might always be changed for us. I looked at my son as he ate just as politely as he ever did, and wrapped my arm around him.

Once again, my thoughts settled on Xena. I couldn't even have begun to imagine the places she found herself in such moods, but I wanted to know. As I ate with my son and patted his little head for comfort, I realized that I wanted to learn more about my warrior. What troubles did she still suffer?

Alex was growing sleepy as we waited there at the table for my love, but I was determined. Argo was outside - untethered, but always devoted and unleaving.

The wind was slowing. I half expected to hear Xena howling at the moon in agony as any wolf would do, but she came back to me sooner and less tortured than I had been expecting.

I was leaning onto the table with Alex asleep at my side. Ever since he had learned to walk, he always preferred to balance himself upright, so there he sat – asleep. With my eyes heavy of their own accord, I heard something even through the hustle of the room. As I tried to waken my senses, I felt a sudden and familiar hand on my shoulder. I turned to Xena and beamed, instinctively reaching my hand out to her hip for the contact.

"Cool that for tonight, will you?" Xena smiled back in the most persuasive way possible. I could tell her mind was still in a very fragile place, as tenderly as she had spoken with me. She took a seat beside me, lifting her hand as she caught the eye of the owner. She was hungry.

"Xena ... I'm sorry. I'm just ... I'm happy to see you." I could hardly contain myself at seeing her unharmed. "You're back so quickly ..."

"Couldn't leave you two alone for long," she teased as genuinely as she could. There was still something off about her, but she appeared the part of the woman I loved. All she needed was some time, and I saw that as she locked her eyes onto mine. "Just glad I didn't have to pry anyone off you ... I'm ... It's the wrong mood for that."

She would have gotten carried away with the task, I could tell.

I wanted to know where she'd been and how she'd brought herself down again, but I knew that wasn't the time for questions, so I simply watched her eat her food. But I couldn't help my stare. My Xena was coming back to me.

She was such a delicate creature, torn in so many different directions. But she had come back to me - always mine. Those eyes of hers were mine, staring at me whenever they could. However, they were looking a little too intently as we'd left the eatery and set out to find a place to sleep. She'd asked not to stay at an inn for reasons I could realize for myself. She'd spent time with women inside on nights like that before, and she didn't want to tempt herself with me. She was in the wrong mood for that, too.

I was carrying Alex in my arms as I tried not to smile at the focus I could feel gathering on my backside. It was all she was focused on each time I glanced over my shoulder, so I turned quickly back to her - surprised that she didn't even make the effort to look away.

"Xena ... Xena!" I started with a whisper, forcing her eyes up to mine with the redirection. "Up on the horse; you ride."

I was helping not to tempt her, and I knew she understood because she groaned, but did as I asked.

She rode ahead of me and our little boy, leading the way. I was just so glad to hold him then, my little Alex. The boy who I'd taken safely back into my arms. My precious child.

Trotting ahead of us, I could see there was still too much of that old, darkened warrior still inside of Xena. I could see it in the way she rode and the way she carried herself. It may have been subtle to anyone else, but my Xena rode so beautifully - one WITH her horse. This Xena was riding ON her horse, never allowing the slow trot to displace her stiff form.

As she stopped for me one of many times, I caught up while she spoke down to me. "You sure you can't ride up here with me ...?" Her voice was so hopeful it was difficult to keep a straight face.

"Xena ... where would I put Alex?"

Oh, did she ever want me. I hadn't felt that sincere desperation since we first met. The tension was so thick that it worried me, because I wanted to give in to it. However she wanted me, I wanted to give myself to her. But I knew better. And the child in my arms was my reminder: one of us needed to keep our sanity. I realized that a night with this Xena might be more than I had bargained for, even if my Xena was in there somewhere. I hated that it excited me, but it did. I pictured it subconsciously, always trying to rid myself of the images we could create.

I think Alex saved us both from ourselves that night, limp in his own little bedroll as we looked down at our wonderful son. I kneeled down beside him at our perfect spot for the night, and kissed the top of his head. Xena just looked down at him, her hand on my shoulder.

We were safely anonymous to the world, so I could relax on my bedroll as the moon stared down at me. Of course, complete relaxation was far off when I could feel Xena wanting me from just an arm's reach away. I tried, but sleep wasn't coming easily. Especially with the gentle, constant tugging on my skirt. I smirked to myself - lying on my side with my back to Xena - and swatted her hand away. I slapped it away twice more after that before she caught my wrist in her hand, and pinned my arm behind my back. Pinning my chest to the ground with the effort.

I have to say, I wasn't expecting that.

I wanted to speak to her, but I didn't know what to say with Alex present only a sword's length away. I think Xena had the same idea, even subconsciously, because the next thing I remember was Xena pulling me up to stumble against her. She was pulling me along quite roughly by my top, and I hadn't changed into my white sleeping shift, because I found no use in tormenting the poor woman who had always found me quite appealing in it. So there I stumbled – Xena's fist filled with the material and laces of my top.

Still, she couldn't restrain herself, it seemed. As we walked a considerable distance away from the comfort of our firs and the earshot of our son, I began to tug against her hold on me. I wanted to show her that I didn't condone that behaviour. Xena was so much better than that - handling me like a rag doll to force me along. That certainly wasn't MY Xena, and she wouldn't have taken kindly to anyone handling me that way either. My Xena knew all she had to do was ask.

"Stop it," I whispered as she quickly grabbed my wrist again, and held it to the center of my back. And with Xena's grip, there was no squirming away. Still, I was upset with her. "Xena ... let me go. Let go of me!" I knew I had the authority to demand from her still, and it showed because she finally let me go.

I turned to her, surprised with what I saw. Those eyes were dark again.

I slowly lifted my hand to her face, and she didn't stop me that time. "Xena ... you don't need this." She didn't need to take me for sport, and she didn't have the right. And we both knew that would do nothing for our relationship. It needed to be my Xena holding me. Taking me, even. It needed to be with the Xena I trusted, not the monster inside of her.

She said nothing, but she was listening very closely to me.

My fingers grazed the roughness on her cheeks from the wind. How long had she been running against it that night, I wondered. Her eyes were so perceptive it was as if they were looking right into me. I looked right back and spoke sincerely with her.

"I don't know how to break you free from this ... but I will never ... ever ... give up on you."

She shivered for a moment, and then tenderly brushed the back of her finger down my arm. Dropping her hand to keep her attention on my eyes.

"And I'm here if you wanna talk ... as I'm sure you recall ... I'm a great listener."

"I ... don't know either." Such honesty she spoke. She sounded afraid of the situation we'd found ourselves in. "I used to fight that urge off with vices ... but ... I can't ..." It felt like she was asking me, and I held her hands in mine.

"No, you're right," I whispered back certainly, guiding her with my voice. "You can't."

"That's ... not me anymore."

"It's not you. Not anymore."

And just like that, we found something that worked for us. She began making statements she knew I would make if I'd given her time, and she listened for me to affirm all that she was saying. It helped for her to say the words herself, and to hear me accept them as truth. We spoke her out of her spell that night, her hands in mine, and then her face, and then her entire body. At one point, she lifted me in her arms just to have me close as she whispered over my shoulder: "I can let go of this feeling."

And I was crying silently in return: "You can let go, Love. I'll be here to protect you."

Her hand raked through my hair as her other kept me snug to her abdomen. "But I'll never let YOU go."

"You never could," I breathed with laughter, holding her back just as tight. "I would follow you ... wherever you would go. I would find you ... I would kiss you and tell you that I would fix it for you."

Her nose was nudging at my ear, so I pulled back to meet my lips with hers. I wrapped my legs tightly around her, and kissed her like we were the only two people alive. In a sense, I felt that we were. We were so alive in each other's arms that anything seemed possible. I was certain I could have accomplished anything in her arms. I still hold to that.

"It's ... it's getting light out again," she mumbled between kisses, finally letting me down to my feet just to lay me on my back. She was pinning my wrists to the ground, but she was soft about her strength. My breasts felt restricted under my shirt. I wanted her to undress me.

Just as she planted her leg between mine, she leaned over me, allowing me to gather the friction just where I desired it. I called her closer to me, watching her shift her attention far off.

"We ... wait ... we can't."

I followed her line of vision, and suddenly had an idea. I whispered my thought: "Aphrodite!"

"Don't make me remind you who owns this ... this body," she moaned teasingly, sending me shivers of my own. But I gently put my hand over her mouth.

"No ... no, but she's so good with him ... and he's safe with her."

Xena evilly pulled me onto her again, and I had to hold back the whimper threatening to escape. That little grin on her lips was making me wet with anticipation.

"Oh ... so now that YOU'RE the one excited ..."

"Yes! ... Yes, I'm weak. I give in," I whispered, smiling up at her so graciously. "I'm not as disciplined as you, Love."

"You're about to be."

I just about lost my mind when she spoke that. I wanted her to discipline me, and those thoughts were quite foreign to me at the time. The desire was thick and I was desperate to feel her hands on me. Those strong, rough hands.

"Just don't think I'm letting you up to call your little friend down from her leisure."

Xena always did hold a little grudge against Aphrodite because my love always insisted that Aphrodite was after my heart. And my body, of course. She usually just spoke shortly with the goddess for a moment here or there to convey her disapproval, but I knew what she intended to do just then. She wasn't getting off of me for image's sake. There would be no mistaking what we were about to do. Or who shook my body with pleasure.

Of course, that little scene proved to her that Aphrodite had never been after my heart at all, but she sure had fun pushing boundaries as the goddess was called down to us.

"Aphrodite, Goddess of Love," I had whispered, chuckling as Xena's hand found its way over my mouth. As her other hand kept my wrists pinned.

Aphrodite had looked after Alex before, so she wasn't surprised we had the favor to ask. What did surprise her, however, was the state in which she found us.

I was trying not to laugh into Xena's hand as she kept me pinned to the ground.

Aphrodite had both hands on her hips. "You called me for this?" Although her tone of voice conveyed the notion that she wasn't all that put off.

I had to laugh then, trying to keep myself quiet as I finally struggled free from Xena's hand only to be turned onto my front by those forceful arms.

"Aphrodite, we nee-" But I was silenced as Xena's hand closed over my mouth again. Her thighs straddled mine, and her chest pressed onto my back.

"We need you to look after Alex for us," Xena whispered, as I couldn't speak for myself. But as she looked up to Aphrodite, the goddess was not staring at me. She was looking over to our son nonchalantly, letting out a little smile.

"I hardly ever get to see the little monster anymore," she cooed. "And ... it's pretty clear you two are occupied ... Maybe I could ... take him shopping in this safe little market I found? It's so safe! I just ... think the boy needs a little 'Dite time!"

Usually, Xena hated to think Aphrodite was going to spoil our boy crazy, but she agreed to it then, with me trapped beneath her. I don't think there was much Aphrodite could have done to talk Xena off of me then, and I believe the goddess knew that as well. She was a smart woman, as much as Xena protested my claims at times.

"Wee!" Aphrodite clapped, sending another glance our way as she'd turned to get Alex. "And uh ... just no rough stuff. You wouldn't wanna hurt her."

Xena held me a little tighter. "She won't break." I had such pride Xena felt that way over me, but we were both surprised when Aphrodite corrected the assumption with a sassy grin.

"I was talking to Gabrielle."

Xena wasn't too pleased with the tease, but her hands were busy, so she ignored Aphrodite to whisper down into my ear. "You'll pay for that comment ..."

We both knew I hadn't said it or even suggested it, but I quite enjoyed her taunting. I didn't deny it, either.

Xena was licking my neck when Aphrodite snapped her fingers from far off, and then it was just the two of us. Alex would wake up with her, given Aphrodite's innocent excuse for their shopping trip, and protected from the truth.

It had been difficult when he'd been a baby, to allow myself to want Xena at all, but as Alex grew into a boy, things changed for me. I realized more and more that even as parents, Xena and I were still lovers, and that there was no shame in that.

There on our own, Xena kept her position with her chest to my back as her hands moved to untie the braid woven over my bangs. I liked to keep it braided because it kept my hair untangled and out of my eyes for the most part, but I had a feeling that there under Xena, she wanted me to look a mess. I didn't fight those rough but slender fingers in my hair. In fact, I would have helped her if I had the power to do so. But she had me so weak and wanting.

She had laid over me that way before in the comfort of our little cabin, but it had never felt so vulgar. I had no idea what she planned to do to me, but I knew it would be good. It would be different and a new brand of sex than that of which we were accustomed.

Did Xena ever deliver on my expectations.

"All I could think about ... while I was away from you ..." she began while I moaned at the fingers sweeping their way up, between my closed legs. She was still straddling me, keeping my knees together. I fought to separate them, and she moaned at that.

"Was this ... using this on you."

I gasped when I felt something very unfamiliar land over my thighs. It felt smooth but cold, and I immediately reached my hands back out of curiosity. Immediately, they were slapped away just as I'd slapped hers away from me only hours before.

"I want you to put it in your mouth."

Mmm, since our companionship had grown with time, we'd become quite honest with each other in the heat of the moment, and I never could deny her quiet but firm requests. And I knew that if she had bought a phallic toy for us to play with, it was about to get very interesting.

"Xena ... I wanna see it ..."

And suddenly, there it was before me. Almost touching my lips. When had she bought it? I wondered, staring at the instrument we'd only ever discussed before.

"What's that ... hanging off it?" I wondered aloud, breathless at the idea.

Of course, she hadn't told me you could wear them. She intended on surprising me. That terrible, incredible woman of mine.

In answer, she stood from her spot on top of me, and stepped into my view with the contraption to tie the leather at her hips. I stared wide-eyed at the sight she made, standing there in front of me, as tall as I could imagine.

"You know how I ... like to see you ... put my fingers ..." she started.

"In my mouth?" Oh, I had some audacity when I knew she was nervous. I could tease her back with just as much torment and desire. "You want me to put that in my mouth, Xena ...?"

Her eyes were hooded as she stared at me while I brought myself to my knees. I knew she wanted me in that position because she had asked me to lick her that way a number of times, and she'd been shaking for me then. I still wasn't prepared for the look on her face when I sat back on my heels. The look in her eyes made me crazy, but I tried to keep my teasing attitude. She was such an easy target - so swayed by any single phrase or look from me.

Her leathers were still on over the toy that settled at level with her hips, and the pleats fell nicely aside the dark - wood, was it? But it had something on it, keeping it smooth and safe to use inside of me, just as she was always careful with her fingers. I wanted to lick the toy. I wanted her to see me lick it. I so loved to have her watch me do as she desired. Her stare could always push me over the edge with its intensity.

"How do I do it?" I asked, holding back my smirk. I had learned over the years just how excited Xena became when I played naive to what she wanted from me. Especially when I looked up at her with feigned innocence. She knew I wanted to play, but I think it was all too much for her - everything at once. To have me so willing, on my knees. Thinking back, I can't believe the nerve I had to tease her so badly after the episode she'd had just hours ago. Somehow, magically, I read her limits and I knew I was just teetering on the edge with her. My hands excitedly placed on my thighs. "Do you want me to crawl ...?"

Xena's nostrils flared as she stared openly at me, finally stepping over to try and take control of the situation. Of me.

"I want you to lick it," she panted, raking her hand through my bangs. Biting her lower lip. "Use your tongue so I can see it ... don't put it in your mouth until I tell you to ..."

I can't believe how much it teased me just to have her withhold that from me. I really wanted to suck on it, seeing it attached to her hips that way. The imagery was making me wild with desire. I wanted to know what it felt like in my mouth, but I kept to my silent agreement, and just ran my tongue over it as she watched. It was so powerful, to keep eye contact while I was doing what she asked. I could smell her arousal from where I sat, and I had to close my eyes to restrain myself from touching her.

"In your mouth," she rasped at last, her jaw dropping open as she took in the sight.

I gladly opened my lips to take the toy into my mouth, and suddenly it felt so big. It was about twice the length of Xena's fingers, so I couldn't take in all of it, but I enjoyed what I was given. And the thickness of it was perfect, I found. It would be tight, but it would fit inside of me quite nicely. I licked with more enthusiasm as I thought of how she would take me with it.

How had we so quickly forgotten our troubles? It was easy with the lust I felt for Xena.

Without a word, she tugged at my hair to pull the toy out of my mouth, claiming it with hers as she leaned down to me. And as we shifted around, she laid me on my back to climb on top of me. My legs spread so easily it felt dirty, and I shivered again. She grabbed me closer, and I tugged at her shoulders.

Being so wet myself, and the toy wetted by my lips, it slid in with such ease that Xena had to hold back. The toy was big, and she didn't want to hurt me.

That feeling it gave me was different than Xena's fingers. I couldn't wrap my head around the sensation - all I could do was enjoy it, as unusual as it was. With Xena's motion, I tore at the grass at my sides, and let out one heavy moan after another as she worked the toy inside of me. Pulling out, and then right back in.

After having given birth to our son, I wasn't as tight as I'd always been before, so I knew the girth of that toy would be tight for Xena just as it was with me. Possibly tighter. And that thought gave me such excitement I couldn't help myself from blurting it out.

"I want to- … have you too ..." I panted, gasping with the depth of her thrusts.

She chuckled into my ear, and slowly kept moving it in and out of me. "Give it some time, Love ... I haven't taken YOU yet ..."

I failed at laughter because of that exquisite sensation, clinging onto her. "You're taking me now ..." I whispered, naive to what she meant.

Thankfully, she caught me up later as she was more forceful about it, given my pleas with her to do so. She was roughly slapping her thighs onto mine, pulling at me, ridding me of my clothes in the most creative of ways. Turning me over.

She surprised me while she straddled the backs of my thighs, teasing the toy inside of me. I was silenced with that feeling. She had touched me that way on occasion - directly from behind – but it somehow felt different. Now she was teasing me with the position, and I was so excitable that for once, I really craved for her to do it. As crude and awful as it seemed, that was my attraction to it. I could understand her liking for it, because I wanted it, too. And I wanted to have HER that way.

I'd never done it like that before, touching Xena from behind. So many thoughts whirled through my head as she kept on tormenting me. She was touching the toy between my legs just to withdraw again.

"Please!" I finally begged her, getting up onto my hands and knees. I don't know why I did it that way, but it felt so good to do it. I could feel how badly she wanted me right then, and I didn't intend on teasing. I wriggled my body to entice her, and before I could take another breath, she was holding my hips and pushing the toy as deeply as it would reach inside of me. I screamed out, flattening my arms out on the ground. I found the angle quite pleasurable so I didn't move, but then I realized just how vulnerable I was that way. Was this what she had wanted? I had to wonder. She knew how weak I could be in the heat of the moment.

The words "fuck me" seemed unnecessary in that moment, as much as I was tempted to use them. There I was - my shoulders to the ground, my backside offered up to her - giving her anything she would take. And as she grabbed my hips and became more forceful with me, I came. I came so hard I was actually astonished at the power that position had over me. I was so open to her that I couldn't seem to help myself, even as she leaned completely over me, and spanked me. Thrusting very slowly with her hips, she whispered into my ear: "Came a little fast … where's the fun in that?"

Of course, she enjoyed that. She was teasing me. Still, I had nothing to say in return. The soft sting of her hand on me had me speechless. I froze, wanting more.

"Now let me enjoy this moment," she emphasized, pushing into me as I moaned with such desperation, I think I surprised us both with the sound. "If you're done so easily again, I might have to spank you more often," she teased, massaging her hands down my back. The slow rhythm was sending me to another climax, but I didn't want to hold it back. In fact, it felt so perfect that I came all over again. At her mercy.

I couldn't believe how excited I was to be handed the toy at last, just gaining my breath back as Xena teasingly instructed me on how to wear it. I felt power surge through me with that thing on, and I began to understand why men carried themselves the way they did. It gave me a new sort of balance to my slight form. Of course, I don't think I understood the balance exactly as men aren't equipped with breasts as well.

The first thing I did with the leather tied to my hips - the rest of me naked - was touch the toy. Stroking, Xena would call it. And when I looked down at my beautiful warrior with her elbows propping her up, I enjoyed that stare. I felt so bold.

"Has anyone taken you with one of these before?"

She was staring at the toy unblinkingly. "Not as they wore it."

It was easy to see the things Xena most enjoyed, because she was always so obvious about it. And why should she hide it, she would say. I am so thankful to have learned from her healthy, honest attitude toward sex. She taught me to like whatever felt best, and to ignore everything else. But just then, I was still working on it.

"Tell me you love me," I said just as plainly as that. I stepped closer to her as she repeated the phrase blindly, crawling backwards. I could see her hesitance and vulnerability then, so I didn't move any further.

I smiled at her beauty and seductive passion, connecting with her on a gentler level. "Xena." Finally, I had her eyes on mine. "Tell me. Tell me you love me."

That time she was sincere and focused, training her eyes into my soul, just the way I liked. "I love you, Gabrielle."

"And I love you," I whispered as an idea struck in me. I backed over to a giant tree, and sat against it, finding a nice, soft spot for comfort. I crossed my ankles and patted my thighs.

Her jaw dropped.

"What? Come here."

I'm sure she wasn't used to such command, but seeing that expression on her face had given me the audacity. I knew she was all mine. And I was going to enjoy myself.

I could smell her again as she got up and walked over to me, staring down into my lap. She knew what I wanted and she wanted it too, so I relaxed and waited for her to do what I said. It amazed me, just how shocked she was to hear me say it that way. 'Come here': It certainly had its connotations.

When she was on her knees, straddling my crossed ankles, I curled my finger in to gesture her forward. Maybe she had never been lured quite like that before, I guessed. I'd been right.

"You're not gonna move?" she smiled at last, inching her way closer - both eyes on the toy snug to my groin. It was exciting me all over again to see her staring at me that way. I don't think it was evident even to her, but I could hear the insecurity in her voice. I spoke to assure her I wouldn't advance. Not so quickly, anyway.

"No ... I wanna see you riding me first."

Instead of more shock, she responded with a tease: "Don't I always ride you ...?"

"Careful," I moaned, taking in the sight as she realized my intentions. She beautifully lowered herself onto the toy. Slowly.

In all honesty, I was scared to hurt her with it, but as I watched her sit onto the toy, I realized just how pleasurable it was for her. And I could tell it had been a long while since she'd felt it quite like that. Suddenly I wanted more, so I started to gently move my hips up to encourage her.

When she threw her head back and let the sounds roll from the back of her throat, I spread my legs and bent them to support her back as my hands moved to her hips.

One moment I was helping her bounce on top of me, and the next moment I was on my knees, holding her chest flush to mine while I leaned close. I know my strength could often surprise her, because I practiced often with my staff all those years as meditation, and I enjoyed keeping fit. However, I was a little better at hiding my strength than she ever was. Not that she tried.

"Gab- ... Gab-ri-elle ..." she whimpered, holding tightly to me as I finally laid her fully on her back and tensed my mid-section. My abdomen was quite impressive, I knew, and I could use it to my advantage during such moments. I steeled myself for a work out, bracing my hands on either side of her beautiful face, spreading my knees for support.

The moment I started really moving my hips to please her, she was screaming as loudly as she ever had. Those sounds - I had never heard anything quite like that from her - and I longed to hear them again. She looked so entirely feminine there underneath me, with her hair splayed over the grass, and her soft curvature luring me in.

If I hadn't known her very well, I might have worried I was hurting her then too, but with that unstable inhale and the desperate panting breaths, I could hear her desire as clearly as my heart was beating in my ears. Her hands were on me, drawing me even closer. Her expression was one of ecstasy – it was saying '_Don't stop, Gabrielle. I need you - keep going_.'

As she came loudly in my ear the first time, I slowed my pace just to be certain that she was still excited. And then I went at it all over again, keeping my chest pressed to hers that time as my hips drove her to desperation again.

She came twice more as I was taking her there: once in that same position, and one as she was turned slightly onto her side with her ankle held up over my shoulder. Each curious pleasure was a new discovery, and every moment made me glad that we'd shared it together. I knew that she was surprised at what I'd done to her, and I couldn't stop smiling because of it. I had rendered the world's most famous woman warrior completely exhausted. Me - Gabrielle.

As she laid on her front with limbs fallen quite carelessly on the grass, I began to see myself as a different woman for the new experience, lying next to her on my back. I could give it to my beautiful Xena with the best of 'em, so the saying goes. I was competent and I knew she would want me again for my technique, and not just because she loved me.

That was a very satisfying thought to have - only solidified by the grin she gave me in return when she picked up her head at last.

"What … was that? ..."

Her hand came to me, falling flat on my bare stomach just to slide off, gathering the thick, hot sweat that covered my body. I could only smile at her surprise. "Good ... wasn't it?"

She loved when I smiled at her like that - I know. I always knew it, and that's why I did it. My nose scrunched up a bit, and she could see just a sliver of my front teeth. She thought it was cute, although in that moment, she wasn't watching my smile. She could sense it even with her eyes closed.

"Let's uh ... let's ... do that again ... sometime."

I brought my hand down to the toy still fastened around my hips, proud of the confidence I'd had and the strength I'd shown to my partner. We laid quietly, still euphoric from the climaxes we'd shared.

The moment made me smile: "... Let's."


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12

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This story has 13 chapters - this is the second last chapter of "Riding with Xena." Reviews/PMs greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

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I woke up the next morning to look over at Alex, who had barely spoken a word to us since he'd come back from his shopping trip with Aphrodite. His hair always looked so soft - and his cheeks so round - that he made the perfect image of an innocent child. I smiled at our son with pride, and then Xena caught my attention. She was sitting on her knees with her sword in the grass before her, and she was so concentrated she hadn't even sensed that my attention had rested on her actions. Or lack thereof.

I slowly got up from my bedroll, past our son, to where Xena sat with such focus. At last, she looked up into my eyes, but she didn't smile back at me. She was thinking so deeply that she couldn't seem to do much else. But she was trying to explain her predicament to me as she noticed I was drawing closer.

"I ... umm ..." I could tell there were a number of things she didn't want to tell me, but I sat there in front of her, and held her hands.

"Xena ... I wanna know."

She tossed a look back to our sleeping son, and then to me. I received the message, but pressed on anyway.

"Whisper it, then," I said very quietly, so it was only for the two of us.

She shut her eyes so tightly I was immediately concerned, but I waited for her to be ready to tell me. I was getting so nervous, but I pushed that all away to give her some space.

"I can't risk Alex- ... our safety."

Suddenly I was terrified with what that meant. Surely she wouldn't hurt herself?! What would that solve? My mind was racing as I grasped her hands tighter, and pulled her eyes to mine with my growing fear.

"It's just my hair," she blurted quietly, trying to throw me a smile even as I saw there was more she was struggling with in her mind. She smoothed her thumbs over the backs of my hands. "I ... don't know why I never thought of it earlier ... If we're gonna be around … well, anybody - I can't look like this, Gabrielle ... I need to cut it … to change the way I look."

Alex had spoken to her. It wasn't very clear to me in that moment, but as I thought about her urgency, I realized our son had come to her about his fear the day before - captured under Callisto's rein. What had he said to her, I wondered. Or maybe it was what he hadn't said.

That was the first time I saw that he rathered bothering Xena with his worries than me, just as he would always rather to come to me first with his good news or his dreams. I think he could sense Xena knew the dark, and I'd always been accustomed to the light. He was innately brilliant. What can I say?

Xena brought the sword up into her hands as I watched with fascination. There was turmoil she undoubtedly felt for what her physical change symbolized for her, but she was calm and quiet that morning. She breathed in and out, and I took one of my hair ties from its place around my wrist so I could offer it to her.

I explained that a straight cut wouldn't look as suspicious, and she agreed. I kneeled behind her and tied her hair together at the base of her neck, and I held it taut. She'd sharpened her sword, and so as she worked the blade through her hair, off it fell. The hair tied at the tip slowly floated down into my hands, and I remember being so shocked that she'd actually done it. When was the last time she'd cut her hair? Was that as short as it had been all her adult life?

I could hardly look up, and then suddenly I couldn't seem to look away. There she stood, scratching her head to sort her hair back into place, and there I sat. Staring at the image she made.

Her hair was short in the back - too short to meet her shoulders - and longer in the front. With the way she'd cut it so crudely, her hair only faded into two different, blunt lengths. I must say, at first, I wanted to fix it for her, although I knew full well she didn't want me to. But even as the minutes past, it began to grow on me, and I took to the style.

"There. We'll be safer this way," she said so plainly I raised a brow. But she was already looking around. "Now I've gotta get some clothes."

My eyes bugged out. Xena wanted real clothes?! As if to make herself seem human? Xena had always had superhuman strength along with an array of other god-like abilities, and I found that her outfit was her knowledge of such. I felt that Xena in regular clothes would be as if she were denying that part of herself.

I didn't know what to say. Still, I was supportive of her as I always was. I nodded to show I understood. She wanted Alex to be safe walking around with us - for us not to be so recognizable.

"I'll get them," I offered as she helped me to my feet. I brushed those same bangs out of her eyes, and was glad for the familiarity. "And this ... this is nice."

"You like it?" she asked cold, as if she were afraid I was only kidding. I always loved those moments of her uncertainty, because they were never warranted. Xena was perfect always.

Sweeping some of her hair behind her ear, I beamed at her. "I love it."

"Just don't uh ... the clothes … don't get anything too short," she teased at last, having accepted my answer for truth.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was in charge of buying the outfit," I whispered, earning one of her infamous pursed grins. She was trying to hold it back, but there was really no use. She was adorable when she tried to pretend she held all the power between us.

I left Alex asleep with Xena so I could shop for some clothes - getting myself something, too - and met up with them later. Much to my surprise.

I was holding up a conservative dress for myself when I heard a very familiar voice from behind me: "Wouldn't be great for fighting."

I whipped around to see Xena standing there with Alexander's shoulders under her hands. He looked a little nervous, and I immediately crouched down and gave him a big hug. As mature as he often acted, he was still my little boy, and he still needed comfort. As I stood back to my feet, I glanced over at Xena very quickly to absorb that ever-beautiful short hair she sported so well, and the sleeping shift I loved to wear over her usual outfit. Then I turned, and placed the shop's dress back on the shelf. "I thought the point was not to fight ..."

"We may have to," Xena answered truthfully, adding for our boy's sake: "You know ... someday. Not any time soon."

He had been in a more traumatic situation than I had imagined at that time, but he was doing so well with it. I'm not sure if that was a good thing, but I was proud of him for it. He reached his little hand out to a long shirt, and smiled.

"A sleeping shift?"

"It's a bit big for you, Ollie," Xena grinned, lifting the boy to her hip as if he were an infant. She was playing with him, tickling him, and flipping him over her shoulders. I always worried a little when she played rough with my baby, but he so enjoyed it.

When finally she'd let him down onto his feet, he giggled and held the shirt up to his chest to try and show us it wasn't that big. It only came down to his knees. "I'll grow, Mama ..."

Xena laughed, and much to my suprise, she threw it up onto her shoulder and patted his back as if he were one of her soldiers. "Yes, you will. Go on, now. There's other things for us to look at. Let's give your mother some time to peruse for herself ..."

She was so beautiful then, looking so different, and yet exactly the same.

And from then on, we were very careful not to stand out in a crowd. I often braided my hair back and Xena's was short. I bought a dress much like the one Xena had first seen me in – loose and wrapped but dragging along the ground - and Xena was adorned in a shorter dress herself, made of breathable material with enough give to fight in it if need be. Quite an image we made, I'm sure, but it was all for our son. We were so worried our family would be targeted again after our first bout in public; someone could steal Alex away from us again. But he was safe with our new, quieter take on life.

We blended in quite nicely, travelling through cities and enjoying our family dynamic. We often still slept out in the forest, but other nights we stayed at an inn. I remember one time that still makes me laugh when I think to Alex's pride in his two mothers. Of course, he hadn't understood it usually either elicited a harsh, negative reaction or an unpleasant, lewd reaction from others. He was only proud, our compassionate son.

Not thinking anything of it, he was speaking with a boy he'd met in town as we stopped in at one of the eateries, where a big, burly man overheard him talking about his two mothers. I hadn't heard that conversation for myself, but I can imagine the man requested more information, and when he heard what he had been hoping for, he made his way over to Xena and I at the table.

Given the new sort of identity Xena had given herself – mother and companion above all else – she wasn't as stiff or angry as she had been years ago if we were approached in such a seedy place. Just as we had been laughing at a tale I'd been sharing with her, Xena felt a hand on her shoulder. Still with that carefree smile to her lips, she turned to the intruder and glanced over to be sure Alex was still playing with his friend.

"Can we help you?" I asked, seeing that Xena hadn't even bothered to growl at the man or demand answers. Immediately, I felt very protective of her.

"The kid's pulling my leg, I take it," he grinned, "Can't be true that the two of you are shacked up."

Xena then swatted his hand away, calmly. "Listen, buddy. We're just here trying to enjoy a meal. Got it? How 'bout you just leave us alone?" She always did speak differently to such men, but I must say I liked her attitude. I was glad for a glimmer of the old Xena then, even as relaxed as she still appeared.

"I think we're all due upstairs … for a little … fun."

Xena was bothered much more in the more feminine attire she donned for the sake of our son, and both of us were pestered more often, but it wasn't because of revenge from Xena's younger years. Our son was safe – it was only Xena and I who suffered with frustration.

"Why don't you have fun all by yourself and we'll just get out of your hair," Xena replied sarcastically, getting up from her seat just as I did the same.

"It includes you, hun," he answered, grabbing her arm. And even faster than Xena responded to the unwelcomed touch, I was climbing onto the table between us and launching myself off of it. Shoving the large man to the ground. It still makes me laugh to remember tackling such a giant, menacing ruffian, but it wasn't even a decision I consciously made. He had grabbed a hold of Xena, and something clicked inside of me – sending me airborne and then into a brawl. The likes of which I had never known before.

Laughing incredulously, Xena pulled me off of him as I was slapping at his face and scolding him – the man so confused and surprised he hadn't even struck me back. The audacity I had! I still can't believe it. Xena couldn't either.

"Alright, Battling Bard," she teased, easily lifting me onto her shoulder as she walked past our son and grabbed onto his hand. "I think your mother's grown tired of this place. Let's go, son."

He had turned just in time to miss my theatrics – thank the Gods.

He hurried along next to Xena as I relaxed and sighed on her shoulder. I could just see his smaller legs running to keep in time with Xena's large pacing steps to bring us out of the spotlight.

"Why are you carrying Mama Elly?"

I could feel Xena's satisfying smile from my place against her, listening to her ever-humorous explanation: "Mama Elly needs reminding. That's all."

"Was she bad?"

Even with all of my frustration, my laughter just nearly erupted. Shortly after, Xena let me down and we found a quiet place for the night – each of us chuckling quietly to one another about my stunt earlier.

"Don't you ever do that again," Xena lectured to me – smiling yet concerned – as our son had gone to collect some wood for the fire. "He could have hurt you, Gabrielle."

"I would have hurt him worse if you'd have let me," I grinned in return – each of us knowing I hadn't been in my right mind – skillful enough or not. And when she smiled down at the ground instead, I moved closer and apologized to her. Teasingly promising she could spank me if she saw fit. Her lips certainly turned up at the idea, but as we knew our son was due to return, she promised me she would think about it and get back to me.

We travelled with the same carefree joy before we found a school that was perfect in every way. I know that Xena didn't want any distance between us and our son, but she also knew it was important he gather an education, so at last, she agreed.

We found him a place at a nice, established institution where he would go after he'd turned six years of age. The exact age that had started him into a quiet lull neither Xena nor myself had predicted. He was so silent at times that I worried, causing Xena to have a little talk with him neither knew I could hear.

"You're worrying your mother." And he was worrying Xena, too. Her hand was on his back as he carved at a long, thick branch with a small knife he'd asked for on his last birthday, half a year back. Xena had definitely had to talk me into that one, but I trusted her judgement. And it was well-placed, because Alexander loved to carve with it. He was a great carpenter.

After Xena had spoken to him, he was quiet for a long moment - still focused on the wood before Xena took it from him, and stared him in the eye. "Answer me." She could be so firm with him - something I was still learning from her.

I kneeled a little smaller behind the shrub where I'd been picking berries. I set them down and concentrated on the quiet conversation from far off, surprised that Xena was speaking to him on her own about his behaviour.

I saw Alex shrug, and then brace his forearms on his knees. "I like to keep quiet."

"Last year was different," Xena answered, the thought having been on her mind for weeks, dying to escape. But Alex just shrugged again.

"I don't know why."

Their talks held so few words that I couldn't understand for the life of me. I would have rambled on and on with him, which was why Xena's talks could be so successful, I believe. In that sense, they were both very similar. Xena understood his quietness.

"A boy can fall into a darkness at any age, left with only his thoughts," Xena said, staring off ahead as he trained his eyes on her profile instead. "It scares me too, Ollie." She gave her head a shake, and then looked down at his face again. "I don't want you to feel alone. You understand me? You're a kid right now, and I need you to act it. Your mother ... is worried. Very worried about you."

He always felt such a great responsibility to care for me - felt from Xena's protection over me, I'm sure. And as Xena mentioned my upset, he straightened up. "She is?"

"Enjoy your childhood, son," Xena said, reaching her hand up to pat his uneven haircut with a tender smile. He'd cut it himself, and we'd only scolded him for long enough to point out that he'd done HIMSELF a disservice. Then, looking at it, I could tell Xena found it endearing. He was still so young and naive, despite his uncharacteristic silences. "Your mother and I will protect you."

"But I'm growing up," he insisted. So hopeful, as if it might be untrue.

"You are ... but one thing at a time, alright? ... Talking is important." As a silence lulled between them, Xena cracked her neck and slumped over to exhale with great effort. "Your mother taught me that."

Alex shadowed her posture, and I smiled at the sight the two of them made together.

"If you have worries ... we wanna hear 'em. I need to know, alright? You're still a child," she instructed, and as if sensing his next question, she sighed. "You'll be a child for some time, still ... and you'll know when you've become a man."

"But-"

"You'll have hair all over the place," Xena shuddered teasingly, nudging him with her elbow. "Ugh."

"I can't wait to have hair."

Again, she glanced at his self-done haircut, and shook her head. She laughed so gently that it warmed my heart. "Someday, son."

"Soon?"

He was as impatient as he was curious, and Xena laughed aloud then, getting to her feet. "The more you talk to us, the sooner you'll become a man. A grown person knows to put others before themselves." She reached her hand down to him, and he took it, standing to his feet beside her. He was already half her height, and growing every day.

As they were finishing up their talk, I hurried back to the fire to prepare the dinner with everything I'd found to pretend as if I hadn't been listening. I wondered if Xena's words had gotten through to him - our brave boy who had been so understanding about our family's need for the safety of the forest. It was as understanding as he had been about going to the academy for boys, in which he would learn his spelling and language to become a knowledgeable citizen of Greece. He was growing up so fast, and as I worried once again, I braced myself to the sound of their return from the bush.

I was rubbing herbs on our pan when a little body of weight crashed into me from behind, and familiar little arms encircled my waist. It was such a powerful embrace I wanted to cry, but I also wanted to be strong for him, too. So he wouldn't realize just how upset I'd been.

"I love you, Mama."

I hadn't heard him call me that in over a month, and then I did cry. I turned around as his squeeze let up, and I lifted him as I stood to my feet, holding him as close as I could keep him.

"Thank you," I sobbed gently, keeping it quiet for his sake. I opened my eyes to Xena standing there with her hands on her hips, and my lip trembled again. "Thank you ..."

He was so little that my arms had wrapped right over his back, and my fingertips touched my sides as I held him there. Finally I had calmed myself, letting him back to his feet. "I love you too, Alex ... I love you more than anything."

"Not more than Mama."

Xena took a big step forward with the sincerest expression. "We both love you most, son. Always."

His little hand held mine, and a genuine smile tugged at his lips because he could see she was being sincere, and not placating him as a mother was known to do.

As he understood that more, he tried not to hold our reputations against us, as we had explained them to him. Xena had a darker past, and we never wanted him to hear about it, but we rathered he hear it from us. So without elaborating, we warned him of that, and that I was often in danger because of my association with her.

"And me too," he asked in his simple way - of course correct. It was why we'd hidden him away with us while he was a child, we said. There was so much to explain and share with him before he was gone for several years to his schooling. But it was very important, and we made certain he knew that. We wanted him to always have the best of everything.

Xena and I were both quite young with him then - Xena just a year over thirty, and me at twenty-six. We were still so naive to much of life, and so physically capable. We were at our peaks at that time, I have always believed. Xena has always claimed "now" when I asked her the same question, and I've always laughed. So beautifully confident, and so rightfully so.

I was just at the right age to see Alex off to school too, I believe. If he were to go as the child he was all over again at this age I am now, I don't think I could take it.

Alexander with the hair I'd freshly cut to sit just tickling at the backs of his ears, and the bangs that just nearly touched his brows. Alexander with his favorite outfit tugging at the limbs that continued to grow, and the shoes that we had insisted he wear as the others had run themselves useless. My Alexander - Xena's Alexander - running down the hall of the school with great white pillars to look over his shoulder once more. Waving as if that would suffice after the heart-felt hug Xena and I had just received. Just as quickly, he disappeared behind the dormitory walls, and I held onto Xena for strength. School had been my push to begin with because I knew how he could benefit, but it was all too difficult to let him go.

I treasured that memory of our goodbyes for nights when I missed him almost too much to bear. I thought back to how I had lifted him even as he finally tried squirming away because I'd been too affectionate with him in public. I smiled that I'd just held tighter until he relented, and held back as many tears as I could. At how I whispered onto his shoulder that we would visit him as much as possible, and that I loved him. He already knew not to speak of Xena or myself to anyone. He was so smart and so precious.

Xena had crouched down, put her hands on both of his shoulders, and looked him in the eyes. They had stared at one another for a long moment, and then she'd opened her arms to him in a way that almost seemed as if she were shrugging. But he walked right into her, thudding his little hands on her back just as she did the same, and held him tight. Their hug was short, and she stood to her feet just as quickly, sending him off with a wave. We knew he would do well for himself. We only worried what others would do, but he was smart and he kept himself well enough hidden.

Still, we had arranged to meet with him here and there, always visiting and checking up on him to make sure he was alright. As much as he was growing, he was still our baby.

We never strayed too far from him in our travels, and I still thought of him in the silences Xena and I shared. We talked about him a lot, and what he might desire to do with his life. Xena would hold me if I couldn't sleep without my baby next to us, and I would cheer her up with a story if she was staring off with concern.

Oh, Xena. She was always so perfect. That dark hair growing out to drape down, past her shoulders. Sometimes she let me play with it, and sometimes she had other ideas in mind. Sometimes, she even welcomed visitors if she could sense there was no trouble amidst.

My mind often goes back to a conversation with a passing traveller who had stayed with us overnight, asking if we were married. Xena's reaction was as priceless as it was sincere: "We aren't?"

After hearing about our little boy, and all the years we'd been together, the woman was stunned to hear that we'd never given to the holy bond of matrimony. I think Xena had thought of us as married all along, and I realized I had, too. It had simply never dawned on us to make it so official. But Xena's reaction had me falling for her all over again. So unforgivably honest. I wouldn't have changed her for the world.

Later that night, we looked into the fire together, lying back. With a little smile, I reached out to wipe my finger across her lips to catch the residue of sauce left there, and Xena gave me a look only to pull away. Oh how she loved to keep up appearances in front of strangers, as if she didn't like me fussing over her. As if she wouldn't have liked to catch my fingers between her teeth or to lick them as a deliberate tease.

But there was a passerby among us, so I understood. I even tried not to grin to myself or give Xena's real tenderness away. She so treasured her public image around strangers, knowing it was what kept us safe most days. So I let her have it.

That night, when all was quiet and the woman was asleep, I felt Xena slip her arm over me to cuddle me in apology for earlier. She'd liked my fingers on her lips, she was telling me.

I responded by pushing back, closer to her so she could feel that I would always be what she needed. She surprised me with fingers on me, under the thick fir covering us, and I silenced myself so I could enjoy it to completion. Kissing her fingers timidly in thanks.

The next morning, I woke up to see the woman had already left as Xena looked down to me. It looked like she had something to say, but I didn't wait for it. Instead, I teasingly rolled over and brought the firs up, over my face. "Five more minutes."

"You know ... I don't need to do this."

I squirmed smilingly, but didn't say a word as I heard Xena settle there beside me.

"I could keep you under my spell forever ..." she teased, nudging me from under my covers as I giggled. "But ... I saw that look on your face last night."

Suddenly I understood what she spoke of - the tradition of marriage - and I slowly got up in the cool air of the morning to sit aside my love and look her in the eyes. "What look ...?"

"That one."

I smiled and leaned my head on her shoulder. I knew just what she meant. "Xena ... I really don't need it, either."

"But you want it?"

"Do you?"

She was quiet as we listened to the birds and the simplicities of nature. "... Not if anyone knows."

I chuckled because at first, it had sounded cruel. But of course, Xena specified.

"Gabrielle ... if you were to be my wife ... it would be an open mark - an advertisement for your head on a platter. They would be after us anew, and … I couldn't take that."

Her hands were pressed together, her fingers intertwined as she looked off, lost deep in thought.

"I understand," I whispered, even though I didn't truly grasp the enormity of that truth. "And Xena ...? I feel like we're already married, too. I feel truly and wholly bonded with you. We don't need anything else ... okay?"

She agreed. Our son had never asked, but certainly he had assumed that we were somehow bonded as parents ought to be. Nothing of our lives felt wrong to me. I was perfectly content as things were.

Of course, knowing Xena, I should have seen her loving trickery from the start. She had planned a wedding for only us and our son - some of the gods having invited themselves just to see that the rumours really WERE true. She had stolen our seven year old away for a day during his studies between visits, speaking with him, and arranging to have him carry our rings as the ceremony progressed.

The beauty and craftsmanship of those rings was so magnificent - she'd made them herself. They were unusual with the shining, prismatic crystals engrained in mine - on the sides of the ring and not on its face. This made more sense after I realized they were to be tied on a thin leather necklace, to hold it closer to my heart. To keep us safe from suspicion. Hers was metal on metal, and as rough-looking as I might have imagined. Mine was quite feminine.

The ceremony was beautiful and simple, each of us sharing words of love and devotion before the most tender of kisses. We reached a hand out to our son who gave us each a hug and had questions about marriage on our way off from the beautiful spattering of trees from our union. Thankfully, he had become more curious as those few years rolled around in the institution of his education. He was more his childish self from when he first learned to speak, and I was grateful for that. Xena, on the other hand, was a little antsy for her time with me, I must admit. But she was still just as grateful for our time with Alex, and we played and ate and talked together all that evening.

It wasn't until he was back in his dormitory that Xena pulled me up, onto Argo, and far away from the city of Athens just to tug me back down again, making love to my mouth with hers. She confessed her desperation, and easily got me onto my back before she went down on me.

She must have been at it for hours, because I lost track of the number of releases I'd had, the time of night, and all sense of sanity. She touched me with only her tongue and her lips until my breathing had become incredibly troublesome - and then she used her fingers. She lifted me, she carried me, she laid with me. She even propped me up against a tree for creativity's sake. It was so tender all that night but inventive as I'd ever seen her. It felt like she wanted to show me what kind of effect our love had on us both, and I simply let myself enjoy the message. As much as I might have wanted to reciprocate, I knew Xena's intention, and I let her have me for as long as she wanted before I touched her back. With a small break here and there, we made love into the next morning.

I had made an effort to go down on her after she finally gave me rest, but I fell asleep before I could crawl over to her. I know she found pleasure in how she could completely exhaust me when she wanted to.

We spent a lot of time pleasing each other while we were on the road alone. We tried new things, perfected older favorites and just generally shared an open curiosity with each other, intimately speaking.

We also met a lot of interesting people - one wise older woman lending an ear to some issues that had been on my mind. I'd been worried about Xena ever turning back to her darker sides, and what that would mean for our family. Of course, I didn't share all of my thoughts with a stranger, but I did tell her that my partner had a dark side, and that I was worried for what that meant.

I remember very clearly what the woman told me. She said: "Our hearts ache in such predictable ways ... our minds suffering until we can relent that it's true." I was so certain she was speaking of me, until she continued. "There is truth and relief in knowing what irks us so ... there is freedom in recognizing our slavery for what it is."

She was talking about my partner. Placing my hand gently on her arm, I thanked her sincerely for her words, and went on to think more about Xena and her emotional 'slavery' of sorts. It was on my mind for a long while, but usually at the back where I could easily push it aside.

However, on a holiday with us for two weeks, our son brought it up over the fire one evening.

"I don't know what that was," he started - his voice having started to deepen. It had only been a few years since he'd started his schooling, and he wasn't yet a man, but his voice was changing. Early, I presumed. Just like everything else about him. My son, the wonder-child.

Both Xena and I turned to him as we were returning from the lake far off, where we had cleaned our dishes to give him a night off. It was as if Alex was smiling at us as he spoke, but then there was no trace of a smile. We wondered what he was talking about, but we didn't need to ask - he was quick to continue.

"Back when ... before I went to school. Back when I was 'kidnapped' ... I believe it's called."

Xena was at a loss for words, but I walked over to him - his hair still blond despite his slow transfer from boyhood. I patted him on the back and sat snuggly at his side. "Your mother ...?"

"Yes."

I looked up at Xena as I spoke. "Your mother would do anything to protect you ... to protect us."

He was looking into his palms, trying to listen carefully to my words to piece it together in his head. He had a way with words, but comprehension of abstract things was still difficult for him. I wondered how it was for Xena when she was growing up, but I didn't linger on the thought. I continued explaining to him.

"And she did what she had to do to keep you safe from your captor years ago ... I believe she would do the same thing tomorrow if she had to ..."

"I would," Xena answered without any prodding, standing her ground even as she sat. "And the day after."

"But I wouldn't want you to do that," he insisted almost immediately, regardless of his pride toward his mother and her principles. It was obvious he had been thinking more critically about the event in his newfound maturity and scholarly learning. "It ... scared me. To see you that way."

"It scares everyone, son. That's the idea." With that, Xena sat down beside him on his other side, just the way she always did with him. They had such similar posture - opposite to mine as I sat with my knees together, and my hands clasped.

"But-"

"I would rather scare the sense out of you than have anyone harm you," she said more tenderly, laying her palm on his shoulder to console him for whatever he had experienced years ago. "I'm not sorry I did it."

He looked her right in the eye. "And what about Mama Elly?" With that, he tossed a look over to me, and then right back to his questionee. He was quick, and Xena hadn't predicted that question, but she slowly got down with one knee to the ground - looking up. Into his eyes.

She had a great respect for how he wanted to look after me, even as much as I hated the idea.

"Alexander ... you're becoming a man." There was a smile in her eyes. "I will always need you to look out for your mother, but son ... I'm here to protect her."

"You didn't seem like you."

Xena breathed in and out. "One day ... when you're older ... I'll explain it to you. Alright? ... But for now, you need to listen when I say that nothing will happen to your mother while I'm around."

"And nothing will happen to Mama Elly when I'm around," he said, with even more pride as he pushed his chest out and beamed with a smile from ear-to-ear. The silliness of his urgency gave Xena a slanted smile of her own, pulling him in for a quick hug.

"That's my boy."

"And I suppose - what? I get no say in this?" I teased, both my hands on my hips.

It's hard to explain, but it wasn't like Alex was any child. He was fitted with Xena's abilities, and he would grow to be just as strong as she ever was - possibly stronger. We both had accepted that Alex would be destined for great things, and to have him watching over me was a blessing. However, I would have liked for the conversations to include Xena's possible need for protection too - as needless as it may have been.

They both smiled at me, and then Xena stood to urge our son along. "Go hug your mother."

He ran over and hugged me as I rested my hand on his head, which reached my collarbone at the time. He was growing so fast I couldn't believe it. Each time, it was so difficult to send him off again, but as it was for his own good, I made myself strong enough to do it. He needed our support, and he had it at every turn.

That time as Xena and I rode off from his school alone, I was very upset. In order to console me, she held me close - touching just a little too low. Arousing me so quickly that she surprised me with it. I'm not sure if she meant it that way, but it certainly came over me like a tidal wave - crashing into me with no hope for escape.

At the time, I had tried very hard to keep any unusual thoughts inside, but as we sat there together, my mind drifted unexplainably. I closed my eyes, and thought back to my many sexual adventures with Xena over time, and how we had done just about everything I could imagine. Well, everything I could imagine that I wanted to TRY. I relaxed against Xena as I thought back to what we HAD tried - my mind gladly settling on the first time she had ever really spanked me. She had been tickling me, and I'd fallen across her lap when suddenly her hands massaged into my backside until I gave in to the feeling and laid still. With one slap, she had gaged my interest. I moaned clearly for her to hear - not purposefully, but instinctively. She spanked me again, harder.

She was gentle with me that first time, but since then, she'd been rougher with me, and I loved it. I think it was difficult for her to let her guard down outside at night in order to focus so heavily on me and my reactions, but she certainly loved to spank me. I only ever teasingly spanked her as she walked past, because she didn't really seem to get a kick out of it like I did.

Oh, her hands. I could write for days about her hands, or that look in her eyes as she held me still and ordered for me to look back at her.

There were a few nights over the years in which we stayed at an inn – just the two of us – while she teased and then spanked me. I laugh just thinking about it, because we were interrupted nearly every time as she became a little excited - hitting loudly enough that others could hear it. And I couldn't control my reactive voice, so there were concerned citizens inquiring to see if I was alright.

"Thank you, but I'm fine," I'd said the first time, blushing so terribly that I couldn't even look the man in the eyes. I was grinning from ear-to-ear, though, so I knew he understood the situation. Of course, that represented its own problems.

"You uh ... you sure?" he asked, looking into the small crack in the door as it was pulled open to reveal Xena standing at my side. She stood straight up without so much as a courteous smile.

"Beat it."

I was so grateful for her power and authority in such moments, scaring him off before he could bother me with some proposition or another. She was always there, supporting me if I couldn't manage something myself. She was in love with all parts of me, and I with her.

That short, unsual cut to her hair. Those soft yet piercing eyes that bore into me every time. Her posture, her form, and that fantastic body of hers - twisting and flexing like only she could. Xena was so unique in all her own ways. She was a lover and a fighter. And on nights when I simply laid on my side to stare at her sleeping face, I touched my necklace and reminded myself that she was my wife.

We spent a good ten years travelling around and visiting Alex after he'd started school - just Xena and I. It was a sort of time that was perfectly encapsulating of our love and companionship, and yet it felt as if we were getting to know one another all over again all the time. She never ceased to amaze or surprise me. Xena was always really wonderful at that.

What I hadn't realized, perhaps, was just how alike Alex was to his other mother. I hadn't prepared myself for the more danger-filled passions of our son because Xena had changed so much in her time with me, preferring a quiet night to any sort of battle.

So one long afternoon as I was walking along in tall grass, I was surprised to hear a very familiar voice from behind me.

"Gabrielle!"

I turned to that masculine voice that had tuned itself over years of education and practice. It was the voice of my son - the young man I'd missed too much in the last few months absent from his presence. His hair was long enough to tickle his ears on the sides, and even longer at the top - a mess is what I called it. And he was riding horseback full-gallop, so it was even more disastrous than its usual unforgivable style.

I whipped around to watch as he directed the horse right next to me before he slowed it to a halt. Whose horse was that, I wondered. And what about his schooling?

"Alex ... where ... who ...?"

"It's me, mother," he grinned in that way that was so Xena sometimes I wondered if she'd trained him to do it just that way. He resembled her in so many ways - his hair a little darker than mine with his age. "Don't you recognize me? - Or haven't you visited me enough?"

I put my hands on my hips and smiled. That little rascal. He always did like to tease, having grown much smarter with his maturity, and yet holding onto his curious heart and energetic ways. Even as he held the reins still, he was fidgeting with them.

"Mother, where is Xena?"

At first, it surprised me when he'd used our first names, but as I listened around the campus grounds at his school, that was how all older boys were speaking with their parents. It was a little strange, but it became commonplace much faster than I would have imagined.

I shielded my eyes from the sun then, with my Alex on his horse in front of me. I tilted up my chin as my loose braid fell over my shoulder to reveal a cut I'd received about a week before. Xena and I had run into some thugs, and while I had learned to defend myself, there were always errors in the face of such aggression. Of course, my Alex noted it immediately.

"And what's happened to you?"

"Your mother's just up over the hill," I chuckled, rolling my eyes to mimic his old reactions to my concerns for his safety. How the times had changed.

I picked up the hem of my long skirt, and started trudging up the hill without further answer.

Alex guided his horse along beside me, speaking with me despite my direction.

"Up that hill, son."

But he was watching me very carefully before the horse took off, so that I was walking alone once again. I knew he was racing off to question his other mother about my injury, but it was minimal, and Xena was sure to put him in his place as she often did. She was flawless in her authority, and he always respected her for it.

They were shaking hands as I finally caught them in my sight, waving at my beautiful family as we made our way over to each other.

Xena was the first to speak once we were in ear shot: "So, he's seen the battle wound ..."

I laughed. "Yeah, some battle - a thief with an eye for our frying pan."

"Should've given it to him," Xena laughed back, the space between us smaller as we finally stood together in the bright sunlight, bathing in heat. Xena slapped her hand onto Alex's back, and animatedly inspected him for any wounds of his own. "And how about Ollie? - Haven't got any deadlies, have ya?"

Alex laughed too, but only for a moment as he glanced between us. "Mothers ... I've got something I've gotta say ... and I know this will gain some controversy, but ..."

Was he in love with a man? That was my first thought as I looked over to Xena whose eyes were fastened so tightly on our son. But then Alexander knew we would be accepting of that. Or was he in some sort of trouble?

"There are some people North of here - a place called Amphipolis - who need all the help they can get, and ... I know I'm not completely done my schooling, but ... but it's where I need to be." Immediately, he looked over at Xena. "I'm ready. I've ... practiced, and ... I don't wanna disappoint you." Then he looked at me softly, trying to force a smile. "I don't want you to worry."

If I'd been looking at Xena's face, I might have seen reason to be concerned, but instead I was looking to my son. My attention had set on what he was thinking of doing, and not where.

"You're not asking permission," I guessed, noticing that his nose looked a little more crooked since the last time I'd seen him. Practicing with rough and tumble boys certainly had its dangers. And when he didn't answer me, Xena interrupted my train of thought.

"Sounds like you've made up your mind, son."

He sighed, and then his eyes lit up in a way that told me he was just beginning a personal journey that would lead him to greatness. The experience he would gain on his own would ready him for whatever else would come his way. At the ripe age of sixteen, he was a warrior in the making. I had no idea how good he was at the time, but I've heard stories since, and they were impressive, to say the least.

Xena looked proud when I glanced over to her - as our son looked to us - pushing back her anxiety while he remained. "Just don't think I'll leave you to yourself when I could be checking in on you. Understand?" Meaning: behave. I hadn't noticed she was teasing only to cover her own fear and worry. That was how masterful Xena was with keeping demons from angels. That's how she always described it to me.

Alexander laughed, but took her words to heart, giving us each a lasting hug. He was getting so big I was surprised that half of him was made of me.

I watched him leave off down the hill in full-gallop again as he raced off on his quest, and I leaned my head on Xena's shoulder. My mind was still tightly wound to my concerns for his well-being when I wish I'd been focusing on the unsteady, racing beat of her heart. "Xena ... do you think there'll ever be a time when he's not running off on some adventure?"

She squeezed me back with the love that she held, believing in our son's rightful passion in a fight for the good, the right thing to do. She somehow managed to put aside her own personal conflicts as quickly as they arose, because she'd meant what she'd said - she would check in on him, regardless of the pain she could incur from doing so.

She was wondering then whether or not to tell me about the ties she held to that city, and how she would. In fact, I'm not sure I would have rathered knowing everything just then. I'm not sure I could have kept from calling Alex back to us, but Amphipolis was a fight that we needed to see through together.

And, as if foreseeing the adventure that wouldn't be tamed, Xena stood strong, and leaned her head down against mine: "I hope not."


	13. Chapter 13 - Final Chapter

Part 13

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This is the last chapter of the story. Thank you for your support. Any comments or messages are welcome.

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I was worried, knowing Alexander was assuredly using aggression in Amphipolis, so I tried turning to my love for some comfort. However, as soon as I started with my questions, my concern for her reactions only grew.

"I don't know."

It was the same grumbled response I could get from her each time, and it was very suspicious. Xena was knowledgeable on nearly every area of land to the ocean of water surrounding us. And yet, she had very little to say of Amphipolis. I started to wonder if maybe it was a place of difficulty for her. Perhaps in her older warlord days, she'd shamed herself in Amphipolis. I didn't know how to properly ask. Even as we had spent our lives together, I was still tender with her about certain issues.

"Xena ... why aren't you answering? What's wrong with Amphipolis?" I finally asked, reaching out my hand to cover hers.

"Nothing. It's a fine place, I'm sure," she insisted, getting to her feet to leave me alone at the fire. She was pacing around camp when I finally came to her again. I knew that often she needed her space, but it was time to talk for both of us. I had learned to gage her with expertise.

"Xena. Our son is there."

At last, she heard my concerns for what they were in my stern tone of voice, and she dropped her shoulders. "I ... I grew up there, Gabrielle."

The impact of her words washed over me, digging in to me until I could take hold of myself again and walk after her vanishing figure down the road.

We left all of our things behind us, just walking together. I reached my hand out and held hers. She would walk steady for five or ten minutes, and then she would stop and look down, struggling with something. And then she would start up again, as if she were walking TO something. I didn't mind all the walking - even after the long day we'd had already. I simply wanted to be there with her, knowing that she needed me to be complicit in her silent agony. She needed to sort out her feelings, and where she would go, we would go together. I knew she wasn't ready to talk.

I didn't, however, know where we'd been headed. I knew we hadn't travelled too far away since waving off to our son, but we'd been so close to Amphipolis that we'd walked there in just under two hours.

The old and rusting road sign caught my breath in my throat, and I tugged back at Xena's hand. It was an awful place in my mind, where horrible people did terrible things to little children. That was all I knew of it, and I panicked when I saw the homemade wooden sign out front of one of the smaller houses. I tugged, and finally Xena paused, then hurrying us to the side of the house.

"I'm sorry," she exhaled, shutting her eyes. "I'm sorry. I ... don't know what's happening to me. I just can't ... deal properly with this. With all these feelings inside me."

She was whispering, and I was terrified for her. I lifted my finger to her cheek, as if realizing just how teary her eyes had been. I touched her cheek just in time to wipe her tear away.

"Xena, it's okay. This is hard for you - dealing with this place."

She held my hand tighter - hurting me accidentally, but I didn't make a sound.

"My house is around here somewhere ... no, let's go."

I watched her so carefully that my heart was breaking. Her eyes were moving quickly back and forth, her hand was doing its best not to hurt mine, and her shaky posture gave me serious concern. Xena had had panicked episodes before at night in the comfort of my arms, and I worried it would happen again in the worst possible place. So I stood calmly in front of her, prying my hand out of hers to hold her face ever-so-gently.

"Xena ... Look at me."

She did.

"We're just gonna walk back ... alright? We're gonna walk back, and we're gonna get Argo, and if anything happens, we're off."

"No, no," she insisted, summoning an inner strength to settle her shaking. "No ... we can't check on Alex with Argo. We can't let ourselves be known. What if he calls to us as his mothers?"

I watched her as she continued, having calmed significantly with the mention of her son. She was always so strong for him. Her tone was so matured it was haunting.

"Gabrielle ... I'm not exactly a hero in this town. I ... I killed an entire group of men. Family names died out with some of them, and ... well. They wouldn't be kind to anyone associated with me, let's just say."

"We'll do whatever you need, but hey-" I started, pulling her back to the wall again as she tried to step away. "Listen. There will be no subjecting yourself to their hatred because you feel some sort of guilt, d'you understand me? You are a good, decent person, and I will not have you hating yourself just because no one has the full story of what happened to you."

"I don't wanna talk about it," she huffed, tugging away from me at last to slip away.

I followed her without a thought.

When I reached her again, she was listening with her eyes closed - pressed up against one of the lodgings without a breath. Keeping with her form and silence, I shadowed her at her side. She knew I was there, but she didn't open her eyes. We were both listening intently. It was Alex's voice, as enthusiastic as I'd ever heard him.

"Yeah! We'll wait here with you. There's six of us come to help."

I would have recognized his voice anywhere, and yet it sounded a little different then. In keeping with a soldier's code, he had grown so quickly. I immediately grabbed Xena's hand as he went on; Xena held it back, helping me as only she could.

"We'll do everything we can. No one will hurt your village."

"By the gods - they sent an angel!" an older woman cooed, and I heard some shuffling followed by a door opening somewhere distant, and then another voice contributed.

"Not an angel yet." It was an older man's voice - the woman's husband, perhaps. "We'll see just who's sent him after the army sweeps through our village."

But my son always was an angel. I wanted to tell it then, too, but I knew to keep quiet. It wasn't the time.

When they'd left, and when Xena was convinced that no one would hear us speaking, she turned to me. "He'll be alright. The army headed over is no army, I promise. I know what you're thinking, but-"

"You? YOU know what I'm thinking?" I whispered teasingly, half expecting her to spank me right there, but again - it wasn't the time.

She smiled in an off way that told me she appreciated my sass for what it was. But the moment was quickly gone. She was walking off, and I didn't appreciate her disregard for me, so I ran after her and pulled her arm back.

"Hey." As I had caught up to her, I readied myself for what I might say - telling her I needed her respect, and that it was rude to take off like that. Or maybe, I thought, I could tell her that I wanted to be in the moment WITH her and not behind her. But the look she had when she whipped around told me she'd heard it all in that one, sharp word. She offered her arm out to me, and we quietly walked off together.

Xena got sick only about ten minutes into our walk back to the site, and I held her hair as she heaved into the ditch. At first, I thought a tease about pregnancy might lighten the mood for her, but then I realized the probable emotional reasons for her sickness, and held my tongue.

She knew better than to ask me not to watch over her. It was so natural to us at that point that she didn't even fuss over my attentions just like I didn't fuss over her too terribly. I was simply THERE.

"You must really love me," she teased at last, bracing herself on her knees as she spat into the ditch again, and finally stood. It was a tease she often tossed my way, knowing the bond we so rightly shared. So I knew it was alright to tease back.

"I don't know ... I'm still hesitant about that ..."

She laughed because she knew how desperate I had always been for her. Needy, some would say.

"Come on - let's get back. I need to bathe, and then we need to head back to set up camp just over the hills. You won't wanna watch the battle, Gabrielle ... I won't, either. But the boy can handle himself."

I had my arm intertwined with hers as we walked, bringing my other hand to her bicep. I stared at her: "Shouldn't we ... fight? I don't think I could just stand by."

"I know it will be hard. I know." Did she ever. "But Ollie needs to fight his own battles, love. He needs to prove to himself what we already know; he will be the greatest warrior this world has ever known."

Big words coming from a warrior like Xena. She had the utmost confidence in our son, and I beamed at her attitude. I snuggled up close to her as we walked, and then stood up again with a goofy grin. We walked that way in silence back to camp, bathing and feeding Argo before ourselves.

On the way back to the perimeter of the city, I asked Xena to stop, and I pulled myself up, onto Argo. Doing so with another person already in the saddle was impossible for me at the start, but as I learned, I enjoyed showing off. And despite all of her greater efforts, Xena was impressed.

"Getting stronger, Gabrielle" was all she said as we headed toward Amphipolis.

I wondered then how Xena was always so strong. It was amazing to me that her physical strength was only complemented by her superior emotional strength to co-exist with it. I knew she could be incredibly indestructible when she wanted to be - in pieces when it suited her, but only then. I knew she could always control it.

Oh, how wrong I was. How wrong I had been in thinking she had some choice in the matter, unknowing that Xena's body and mind often took over and left her choices very much out of the conversation. She had excellent reactions, but her reactions often ran her. I still had so much to learn, and never the time.

My mind can only slip back to what I last remembered then - walking from the new camping site Xena had established to relieve myself. Then I heard something strange in a sense of panic, and then everything went black. I actually remembered the blackness that fell over me as I went limp. I knew I'd been hit hard if I lost consciousness so quickly, but I didn't know with what, or from whom. I couldn't think. I could only crumple and fall. All I knew as I woke up was that I'd been slapped awake, because they hit me once more even as my eyes opened with panic.

I gasped and coughed as I came to, everything blurry but my mirage of Xena. Or was it a mirage, I wondered.

It felt as if my eyes were not my own - blinking of their own volition. My lips were dry, and it hurt to inhale. My head was still turned aside with the blatant slap to my stinging cheek, but I tried to take in my surroundings. I wished everything hadn't been so dark, but I still squinted as my vision slowly came to me.

"Gave up quickly, didn't we, Xena?"

I didn't know that voice. It was vindictive and filled with anger, so I knew that Xena had the upper hand. Or at least I thought she did. And where was she anyway, I wondered, slowly tilting my head to catch her in my view. Was she tied up? I shut my eyes tight, and then opened them again, quickly interrupting whatever conversation had started without me: "Are you ... tied up?!"

Then I heard laughter, but it wasn't from my beautiful Xena. It was the man's voice somewhere I couldn't see. He was laughing as I finally focused for long enough to catch Xena's eyes.

"Hah! Looks like the big, bad warlord isn't quite as tough as she seems. Is she?"

Xena had come running over just as I was hit back out by our site - she'd pleaded with them to just take her, and that she would cooperate. Unfortunately, they hadn't been so good on their word after she'd been tied: arms behind her back, and ankles, too. She certainly wasn't herself. The terror in her eyes made me yearn to hold her then.

When I was better-focused on my surroundings in order to take everything in, I saw something so shocking that I called to her again. Xena was crying in front of a complete stranger!

"Xena?!"

Gentle tears streamed down her face as she looked back at me so devastated that I whimpered with fear.

"Xena! ... Xena, you're tied! Just ... break free! Xena!"

"I could say the same to you," the man mocked, filling me with fear of my own as I tugged at my wrists, and realized he was right. I was tied up, too. But what was I tied to? I tried looking around, when I heard Xena's voice across from me, in her shallow, dark corner.

"Let her go."

The man laughed, "And spare what _you_ find most precious?!" He had seen her and I arm-in-arm the day before. He had noticed her face the other day, and had brought together others to bring us in. He had been waiting for our return with the others joined in his cause. They were ready, and we were blindsided.

"Let her go," said Xena weakly, defeated. "She has nothing to do with this."

"Oh, but she's the next best thing to blood relation, Xena ... not that you'd care about your own blood, that is."

"Stop it!" I screamed, then feeling my strength and senses rush back to me. I needed to protect her. She had obviously let herself be caught for me, but I wasn't about to let her drive herself mad. That side of Xena was one I had never seen before. She looked like a child, her eyes racing over items in the room. Her expression was void of calculation or strategy. Where had she gone? She looked so helpless: harmless.

I tried at undoing my wrists as he and Xena spoke, and I could have sworn she wanted to stay there forever, paying for what she'd done. But it wasn't wrong! Especially as a child growing up in that kind of situation, how was she to know what to do? I tugged harder with each passing moment. I was becoming frantic.

"Maybe we should take you to see your mother," the man spat to her, slapping her across the face.

I tugged harder, my breathing erratic with fear. My beautiful Xena was letting all of her terrible memories get the best of her - emotional and weak. This wasn't Xena controlling herself. This was her past coming back to haunt her, breaking her apart. And my love wasn't resisting. My wrists were red when I looked up at them, but the binds weren't relaxing with all of my flailing. They were just biting.

"Be strong, Xena!" I panted, still trying to free myself as the man turned back to me - having distracted them both from their situation. "I love you ... I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."

Her eyes picked up to watch me struggle as I spoke with her, and there was a flash of hope in them. She was with me there again for a moment, her eyes red with tears and her shoulders caved to hide her trouble. I was right there with her as I locked eyes with her, suffering alongside her. Crying as she was crying, as determined and strong as I felt.

We were so bonded in that moment that I nearly missed the conversation from my captor. But I felt his eyes on me.

"Such a waste," he muttered, tossing a jealous glare over to Xena. "Such ... a waste. It's too bad I'm not like SOME men ..." He took a handful of my hair between his fingers, as if my story was read through touch. Oddly, it felt as if he wanted to learn about me - about us and our situation. And then he growled at Xena again. "Like some people ... and you DO know what I'm talking about, don't you?"

Xena snapped her eyes up at him, as if she were angry. But I could see she was afraid.

"It's a shame I'll have to just kill her ... you know. Instead of having my fun."

Suddenly Xena's demeanor was changing, but my eyes were focused on him. Was he talking about Xena hurting others, or others hurting Xena? I think we both wondered.

"Yeah, but rumours ... I never believed in them. Not this piece of trash," he hissed at her, rushing my adrenaline so much so that I actually pulled my wrist from one of the binds - bloody and all.

"You don't know what you say!" I hissed back at him, eyes still tearing, but with no patience to cry. I wanted to wring his neck. I can't explain that feeling just as it was then, but I felt invincible. I wondered if that was how Xena always felt.

"She'd rather kill a man than enjoy his company."

Xena twitched, and I elongated myself, and kicked him in the middle of his back so that he whipped around toward me. "Pick on someone your own size, you bastard!"

"I never believed in that, but you've got this one under your spell," he said to Xena, facing me. "You killed them all for practice, didn't you?" He put out his hands to fight, one of the only men who wasn't interested in me as a woman, but as a fighter. What were the odds, I asked myself. What a situation. "Let your own father take his life ... so noble."

I was stunned, but Xena didn't flinch. She knew.

"Yeah, why don't you let the only person you care about fight for you?" he laughed - void of his earlier humor. He focused his eyes on me, and eyed the way I positioned myself. He could tell I knew what I was doing. "Your champion, isn't she, Xena? ... Some hero."

I didn't bother defending Xena to him. He was too jaded and angry. There was no use. But I could fight him. However, one-handed fighting isn't quite all it's cracked up to be. When he approached, I kicked him in the chest, and half-laid there, panting. When he came back at me, he was prepared. Xena was sitting up straight, eyes distant as the man grabbed my leg, cut the other tie, and lifted my arms with his. Disabling them as I kicked. But he backed out of the room with me, outside.

"I love you!" I screamed out to Xena, frantically promising my heart to her as I was afraid I would die. "You're stronger than you know!"

I'm certain she felt the same for me – she had confidence in my skills as a fighter.

Just as he released me in the middle of the dirt road, I spun around, and stared at the small house we'd left. All I wanted was to get in there, get Xena, and leave. I wanted to be with her and to hold her and promise everything would be alright.

"She loves no one," he said to me, as coldly as I'd ever heard it. He believed it, too.

"You don't know what she carries," I said just as raw with emotion as I felt it, approaching him with my eyes on that house. What was Xena doing in there? I prayed she was alright.

With that, he charged at me, and I fought him back, but he had fantastic technique. I wondered how he'd trained as he pursued me, matching my kicks with his. Parrying my moves with ease. I was impressed and afraid at the same time. What would happen to Xena in this state if I wasn't there to pull her back? What if I died, and she lost her mind? I thought about my son too, but only about how strong he already was, and what a wonderful young man he'd turned out to be. I didn't think of him worrying for me until I was struggling and blocking the arm at my throat – momentarily under my captor on the road with my boy screaming out to me.

"Mother?!"

I was still fighting underneath the assailant as I turned to my son, and yelled to him in-between breaths. "Help ... your mother ..."

Of course, that was the last thing my son would do as I was attacked. He charged straight ahead, leapt hard, and tackled the man off of me. They each got to their feet, and by then, a small crowd had formed. People were taking notice from their daily routine, and they were coming out to watch the spectacle.

"Xena ... is your mother?" the man muttered, his grin curling up. "Come at me, boy."

I didn't know my captor was son to one of the men Xena had killed as a child, but I had an inkling. His anger and revenge reeked of personal involvement. Still, without any answers, I called to my son: "Don't kill him, Alex ... please."

Alex was focused, but I could see that he'd heard me. I wanted to watch, I wanted to leave. Xena was still in that little house, and I worried what she was struggling with inside of it. If she hadn't come to save me, it must have been awful.

Thankfully, my son was quick to attack, and quick to hit the man's jaw with his knee, falling him to a heap on the ground. I raced over to my son, and held his face proudly in my hands, feeling thick stubble on his cheeks to remind me he was, in fact, becoming a grown man. In so many ways, he was still my little baby.

"I have to see your mother ... she's just in there," I instructed, holding him to me because I needed it, I'll admit. He held me back because he knew.

Then I drew back and tried at a smile for him. "You go get yourself safe. I'll come find you. I just ... can't be worrying, alright?"

"Alright," he smiled back, jogging off through the crowd as others watched him go.

As quickly as my son had taken off, I darted back into the little house as people had dispersed themselves, not wanting to associate with the fight. Certainly to share gossip.

Barging in the front door, I half-expected to see someone fighting Xena, but she was sitting there alone. It was like she was in a trance, and it frightened me. Her eyes were glazed over with tears, her shoulders hunched, her feet firmly planted on the ground. It was as if she hadn't noticed me there at all.

"Xena ...?" I whispered, my breaths so large that my small tunic pressed tightly to my chest. My hands were tingling. My face was flush and my heart was still racing with worry.

There was no answer.

"Xena ..." I tried again, sitting aside her, laying my hand over her bound wrists. "Love ... I'm always here for you, and I want you to talk about this." I gently picked at the knots binding her hands together as I spoke gently to her. As her eyes still looked vacant. "Xena ... no one blames you. I don't blame you ... You did what you had to do, and there's no shame in that."

She was unreadable to me then, and that was most surprising of all. My Xena - unreadable. Although she had always been one to keep to herself, I'd always been able to see beneath that thick coat of armour. But then - just that one time, in that one house - I had absolutely no idea. So I tried another tactic. I mentioned Alex.

"Guess who saved me out there? ... Poor, silly me - trying to save you. It was our son!"

But she wasn't laughing. Wasn't even smiling. She looked sadder.

"He's alright, I promise. He's a good, strong boy."

Just then, Xena started to cry again, and cupped her face and wiped her tears.

"What is it? Please talk to me."

At last, she found the power to speak, but it was with the weakest voice she had. "No one helped me for a reason ... they hated me."

"Why would you say that?!"

"Because I was too strong for a girl ..." she looked down at her hands, and dropped her head. "No one here would help me if it were happening all over again ... There's something wrong with me ..."

Just as she spoke those words, I felt their impact and it nearly knocked me off my feet. My sweet, beautiful Xena having held that in for who-knows-how-long. I just stared at her as my eyes teared up, too.

"Daughter ... there's nothing wrong with you."

We both turned to the unfamiliar voice – Xena's head turning much quicker than myself. It was Xena's mother. It was a familiarity to young Xena. The girl she'd been so long ago.

There was so much in that older woman's eyes - Cyrene, she was called. I didn't know what Xena could read in that woman's eyes, but I saw forgiveness, pain and sorrow there. The woman very slowly opened her motherly arms out to Xena, and tried to convey all she could with one gesture.

"Why don't you visit?"

Xena's body was shaking with uncontrollable sobbing just waiting to be released, but she still held them tightly in her chest. Watching her mother in disbelief. Could that woman really forgive her for all she'd done as a child, and into adulthood?

With four small words, Cyrene shed tears of her own: "I'm so sorry, child."

Faster than I could see it, Xena stood, snapped the binds from her ankles and wrists, and rushed into her mother's arms, slouching low so that she could be held like a child. Cyrene was smiling through her tears, holding Xena's cheek to her chest. Holding the baby that she'd lost for most of her life. I could see that it hurt her to be confronted with her failure as a mother, but Cyrene appeared more grateful than anything else.

"I heard ..." Cyrene whispered as she kissed Xena's head - her big warrior cradled in her smaller arms. "I heard and I went to find you, Xena ... I tried ..."

Watching Xena held like that by her mother had me crying so much that I had to cover my mouth just to be privy to their quiet conversation. One they clearly had in front of me with no uncertainty. Cyrene had seen how much I meant to Xena. She'd heard of our legendary relationship, but those moments were for Xena: her lost child.

"And now you're back to me ... my girl," she choked out, trying to be strong because Xena was letting herself out of her usually tough exterior. Cyrene stroked Xena's hair and closed her eyes as they both cried to each other. "I love you."

Not long after, I excused myself to go check on Alex, leaving before they had the chance to answer because I knew they needed some time alone. I hurried out, and looked across the long road lined with little houses to see my boy - was he speaking to a girl, I wondered. I shielded my eyes from the sun with my hand, and couldn't help the smile from forming. Alex's goofy grin was much like Xena's, and the girl was swooning. I knew better than to interrupt such an exchange, so I walked over to the man lying unconscious on the ground. I pulled him over to a horse post, and sat him up against it. Tying his hands to keep us safe from him. And I thought Xena would want to speak with him later.

I was pulling the third knot when I heard Cyrene's voice from behind me: "Gabrielle."

I whipped around, and then settled in my spot. She looked so filled with regret that I felt I understood. There were so many things I had wished I could shield Alex from in his life. So many things I wished I could have given to him. A certain amount of regret, I realized, was inevitable. But that woman held more regret than the usual parent, and I shuddered to imagine just how heavy that burden had become.

"You must think me awful," Cyrene said, watching my body language closely because she'd honed that skill in her many years as a barmaid. She put her hands on her wide hips as the old habit it was.

"No ... no, I don't."

"You must understand ... I didn't know," she said quietly, "Not then."

"I'm ... sure it wasn't common." But still not usually enough reason to have all the men killed, I knew. It wasn't so uncommon that it was a deadly sin. More often, I'd heard, it was simply ignored and forgotten. How that was possible, I still don't know.

"I would do anything to go back and change things," she said, explaining herself to me as if she had to. But I wasn't passing judgement. "I would have stopped it!"

"I believe you." I breathed out long and steady, from one mother to another. "We all would."

She understood my sentiment, and clasped her hands together nervously. She'd run out of ways to explain her inaction.

I slowly walked over to her - taller than her, and stronger too. And yet she held so much experience and wisdom that she seemed the larger of us both. I put my hand on her shoulder. "Where is she?"

Cyrene was still looking down as she spoke. "Xena needed some time alone ... maybe you should go to her." She was certainly wise enough to know that much. "Tell me," she interrupted as I walked off. "... Did she carry that child to term?"

I understood her concern: was there any way Xena could carry a child after what had happened to her? Had that been the reason for Xena's insecurity for falling pregnant herself?

As much as I wanted to soothe Cyrene's concerns, I couldn't. "I ... I did ... I was out to here," I emphasized, trying to lighten the mood of the moment with my hand reaching out as far as it could. Alex had been a big baby.

Cyrene couldn't quite pull off a smile, but she nodded to me. I explained that Alex was both of ours later, but there was someone I had to see first, so I found the little house again, and that time when I stepped in, Xena was standing. She looked almost as intimidating as her usual self.

"I ... I can't apologize enough, Gabrielle. I let you down, and I'm sorry ... I don't know what happened to me. But ... whatever blankness it was ... I think it's gone." Forever was implied.

I nodded, trying not to tear up again. "Your mother loves you ... very much." I knew it helped her so much to see that. To understand that others were in support of her, and regretful they hadn't done more to help. She wasn't the same as before, I noticed, watching her stand before me. She'd shaken something off that had always been lurking. She was a freer woman.

"This feels ... I can't quite explain how it feels."

I stepped up to Xena, and held her face in my hands again. That time, her eyes were right there with me, loving me back. They were promising with great honesty that everything would be alright.

"Your eyes are swollen," I smiled, gently tracing my fingertips over her eyes as she pulled me close.

Her smile brightened as she looked down at me. "Yeah, give me a black eye for each so I can hide it, will you?"

Such a silly woman when she wanted to be. So strong and yet so ridiculous. I wrapped my arms around her neck, stood on my toes, and kissed her. It was a slow, soft kiss that turned into a tender hug as we stood there, holding each other - each of us needing the embrace.

"If Alex hadn't been there ..." she started, as I released myself from her hold.

"Xena. Don't do this. If Alex hadn't been there, I would have been just fine on my own. I DO know how to fight, you know?" I could see that she needed the teasing. She needed to feel a little stronger to face the village after her emotional lapse. "I was trained by someone pretty strong."

"I'll bet she THINKS she IS."

That made me quietly laugh, slapping her hand away from my hip. "She's strong enough not to let me slap her hands away."

Xena grinned and tugged me in, despite my playful struggling, holding me in her big, fantastic arms. I felt so safe, relaxing in a place I knew I'd be for all my life. I breathed onto her collarbone, and felt truly at peace for once in a very long time. My Xena was back to me - body, mind and soul. The troubles that kept her up at night were settling away. Her fits of panic were soothed with resolution, and that calmed us both. Xena's past was no longer a haunting, but a reminder of what she'd come from - which atrocities had strengthened her into something new.

"I'd like to talk with your mother," I said quietly as we finally pulled away. She unsheathed her sword as we made our way over to the door, but I turned to her. "Xena ... you won't need that."

"A lot of people would like my head in this town," Xena reminded me, "Even if my mother has shown her forgiveness."

"I think people will surprise you," I said. And it was true. As we walked out together - Xena having put her word back in its sheath at my insistence - the atmosphere was a bit tense as people were watching us, but no one was trying to hurt her. No one seemed angry, just disturbed. Maybe surprised she'd escaped at all.

One woman on our journey to Xena's mother stepped out from the crowd with tears in her eyes, grabbing Xena's hand just to hold it. Xena shyly looked the woman in the eyes as she spoke.

"I don't know ... how I would have lived," she stuttered, squeezing Xena's hand. "If you hadn't done what you'd done ..." She held back from crying, but she couldn't stop from trembling - showing Xena that she, too, was affected by the same group of men. "You saved me."

That woman looked a little younger than Xena as my love and I exchanged looks. How many were affected, we wondered.

Xena picked her head up, locked eyes with the woman, and said to her exactly what I'd said earlier. "You're stronger than you think you are."

Yes, in case anyone was wondering, Xena stole that little phrase from me. I'll admit I don't mind her now-frequent use of the phrase, but I do like to bug her by insisting it every chance I get. It's such a beautiful suggestion, and that woman certainly felt its impact because she stepped back again with gratitude, and dried her tears. How many had Xena saved, I wondered. How many were there before her?

Xena had clearly put an end to it.

Having passed by strangers as we walked, we finally came to Xena's old place. It was a beautiful brick house with soundly-built windows and a fortified roof. It was unusual to have such sturdy craftsmanship in such a place, but Xena later shared with me that she'd built it with her father. That explained it.

We visited with Xena's mother who was warm enough to offer us stay for as long as we needed it, but Xena insisted we enjoyed our travels on the road. We ate dinner, talked and laughed, shared stories with her, and finally left.

On our way out, we told Alex that Cyrene was expecting him to visit, and explained their blood relation. His reaction still makes me smile, because he acted like a child on the eve of Winter Solstice. He jumped up and held our hands to question if it was really true, and we insisted it was. He had a real, normal family beyond just the two of us. He had found a piece of his history, too, and he was very appreciative. I could tell right away that he and the kind-hearted Cyrene would get along well as family should.

We never did tell Alex about Xena's horrible past in Amphipolis. He just always seemed so happy to have family there that we never wanted him to know the horrors that had once been. We made certain that Cyrene knew our wishes as well. Alex could have found out somewhere along the way, but if he ever did, it never showed.

It was difficult to leave Amphipolis after the break-through we'd had there, but Xena and I really did prefer to be on our own. We spent a week or so with her mother, but Xena never really told her much. It was more to remain in her presence, I felt. Xena was there. She was home.

Xena wouldn't have wanted to tell her mother of her shameful adventures since running from the place of such torment. She wouldn't have wanted to remind Cyrene that her darkness was created because no one stood up for her. Protected her as she made certain to protect me. Her protection over me was in fact one of the reasons we had to leave. Well, that and her zest for me didn't much suit a village mentality. I must admit that a cabin out far in the woods better suited my louder evenings with her, but as much as we teased one another, I know the reason we left: it hurt her too much to stay.

We travelled a while before stumbling across that cabin in the woods we'd built as young parents - the place we'd so enjoyed as an early family. Xena only offered a quirky expression and a gentle shrug of her shoulders when I asked if she'd led us there purposefully.

"It's been ages, Gabrielle," she'd said as she busied herself with the saddle so I wouldn't read into those telling eyes. "How would I remember?"

"Right," I'd smiled in return, glad she HAD remembered.

When we'd first entered the place, there were some small animals that had snuck themselves in, but once Xena ridded the place of pests as she called them, we made it our home again.

Xena enjoyed carving just as Alex always had, and she built us the most comfortable rocking chairs from what we used to have and all the extra wood we had around the area. Those chairs were so comfortable that many nights, we would sit by the fire in our respective chairs - mine engraved at the top with a G and hers with an X - and rock silently together. She let the rhythm calm her mind, and I liked to watch her wind down.

Fires inside were new to us after having been outside for so long again, but wherever Xena was, I was. I would reach my hand over to hers, and squeeze. She would smile in a way that told me she loved everything about me.

We were always so happy with the simple life.

We adjusted well to a life to ourselves for the most part, although we did travel for fun and visit with Alex whenever we could. I think Xena would have liked to make the place completely private, because Aphrodite and Ares showed up from time-to-time unexpectedly, and I must say that even as we aged, we always had desires for each other. So if Xena and I were kissing in bed, and Ares appeared there in the room, Xena didn't take it well. There were times she dragged him out while I ran out there to try and rein her in. There were times when I didn't, because he could be intrusive, but for the most part, things were perfect.

Aphrodite was actually with me one day as I was doing laundry outside, when Alex rode up with a young woman on the back of his horse. I had never seen him riding with anyone, and the vision stopped me in my tracks. It reminded me so much of the way Xena rode with me - shoulders back, hands always on the reins, and the girl behind him holding him tight. I could see the couple was close. But Alex had never brought a girl home before, never to be scrutinized by Xena or myself.

"Where is she?" he asked as the horse slowed beside me and the wet laundry.

Alexander had been off on his own for longer than I care to mention, but he always came back with news of his adventures or victories. This, however, was different. I walked over to the horse, patted the rough mane, and looked up at my son.

"Nice to see you too, Alex."

"Sorry, Mother."

"And who is this?"

"Yeah! ... Who INDEED," Aphrodite grinned, never knowing if it was her place or not, and never caring, either. But I wasn't focused on Aphrodite's nosy behavior. I was feeling a little nosy myself as I crossed my arms.

"It's ..." Alex started, noticing his other mother approaching from a thicket of trees. "It's complicated."

"Tell your mother what's going on," Xena shouted from her distance, always with the best hearing I'd ever imagined. I couldn't have told tall tales of her even if I ever tried, because her true abilities were always far more fetching than anything I could have thought up myself.

As Xena marched right over and stood at my side, she mimicked me subconsciously with her arms crossed over her chest. "Who is this, son? I believe she deserves to be properly introduced."

"S-sorry," he stuttered, as he only did around Xena. "This is Elena."

"And you two are in trouble?" Xena guessed, stealing a glance over at me. I could feel it.

"But we're in love!" Alex beamed accidentally, glancing over his shoulder at Elena.

"Is that so?" Xena questioned, and I gave her a gentle shove.

"Xena - be nice." Hypocritical, I know. But I knew nothing about the girl at that point. I was worried that she might be after Alexander for the wrong reasons. We both were very protective of our son.

"Why would you think we're in trouble?" Elena asked quietly, as was her feminine voice. She seemed so delicate, even sitting astride the horse as she was, in her flowing purple dress.

"Oh, I don't know," Xena grinned, "Just about the only reason I can think up for my boy to visit."

I wiped the grin off my own face, and gave Xena another nudge. "Be easy on him!"

"Don't you visit your mothers?" Elena asked with so much care that I took to her very quickly. She was being sincere. She cared for him, and by association, us.

Xena could see that too. "How long have you known each other?"

"Since I was a boy!" Alex yelled with laughter, slipping down and then helping Elena off the horse as she chimed in herself.

"It's true - I've known him since he started at school, from a visit down into Athens his first year. We got along straight away, running off and fooling around-" But she quickly corrected herself, because she could see the looks on our faces. "No ... playing tag. We played tag and looked in on the shops, and he told me that day," she beamed with her own smile, locking her arm with his as she looked up into his eyes. "He told me he wanted to marry me."

"I did," Alex laughed, "And we were just kids then. We kept bumping into each other as we grew, as if the fates would have it be ... and just as I saw her yesterday ... I couldn't let her go again out of my sight. Not even for a minute." He put his palm to her cheek, and he looked so tenderly at her, Xena and I both could see they were in love.

Xena tried not to let everything slide so quickly. She knew there was concern for something. "So is someone after you two?"

"It's my father," Elena conceded at last, squeezing my son's arm as she explained the situation to us all. She was to marry another man, but she didn't love him. It seemed so much like a fairy tale that I was skeptical of the reality, but what a tale it was. A most beautiful story.

As she finished, Xena and I looked at each other and then to the lovey two, and welcomed them inside to eat. Aphrodite was invited, too, as much as Xena usually would have insisted we have some time alone.

It was a dinner party like we hadn't had in years. There was so much talking, but even I had my fill as we all went to sleep - Elena inside on the bed, Xena and I on our firs just outside of the cabin, and Alex twenty feet past us, into the woods. He had laughed at first when Xena insisted on those sleeping arrangements, but then smartened up when she snapped him a look that ensured she was very serious. We both were.

I think Xena had a talk with him about respecting Elena's wishes and her chastity, but she never confessed it, and I never asked. Alex was always a smart boy, and I trusted him not to rush into anything. And who was I to judge, I wondered. I hadn't been so chaste in my youth when I met with Xena - a year younger than he was then. I had no doubt that Alex and Elena could have been intimate on their own if they so wished it, but I let Xena have her protective insistences. It was something I loved about her very much.

She was even up at the crack of dawn - cooking, of all things. Xena was an excellent cook, but she'd always preferred me to do it, so I gave her a smile when I saw her hunched over the slow-starting fire. We were both cool with the outside air on our arms that had just been warmly wrapped around one another, but we still could smile. She shook her head.

"What?" I asked, still smiling as I crossed my arms. I think there was something about Alex being back with us that brought out the nesting, maternal side to Xena, but I don't even think she realized that. She just shrugged.

"Just that look is all."

I chuckled, and sat next to her on the fallen tree she'd carved quite nicely back when we first had Alexander. She'd made it into this rustic and magnificent bench by the fire, and I always closed my eyes when I sat there with her. It reminded me of times when Alex fell asleep there at nights, or how we all used to play hide-away behind it. So many gentle, loving memories floated around in my mind until she put her arm over the back of the bench, and kissed my head.

"Still tired?"

I snuggled a little closer, and beamed with a contentedness I'd never felt like I did with her. All parts of me were lighted with happiness. Calm and safe.

I answered her with a long breath out: "A little."

"Hope I'm not walking in on anything," Alex teased as he rounded the bend from gathering some water. He trudged toward us with that heavy bucket easy lifted with one hand, grinning that signature 'Xena' smile.

"Watch it, young man," Xena said quite sternly, with only a hint of a tease.

"Yes, Ma'am," he smirked just the same, stepping right past us toward the cabin.

"Hold it," Xena said, watching him pivot as obediently as he always had in his childhood days. Only then he appeared to be saluting his army captain, and not bending to the request of his mother. Oh, how he respected her. Xena got up from beside me, and gestured out to take the bucket. "I've got it."

"Don't trust me in there, do you?" he called out, laughing as Xena tossed him a smile. Bringing the water inside so he wouldn't be tempted with the woman still caught in her dreams.

Xena stepped out just as quickly, slapping her hands together as Alex crossed his arms.

"Wanna go cut some firewood, Son?" she grinned, just as fond of the task as Alex.

Over the years that we lived there in earlier days, it had always been a bonding moment for the two of them, and I watched them leave with fondness as Xena glanced back at me, and then my handsome son. I watched them leave together, giggling and smiling to myself at how wonderfully they complimented each other. I knew it must have been the way Xena looked at me as Alex and I did laundry together, or any time he'd tried to teach me one of his games. I never caught on very quickly, but he was always very patient and kind with me. Very gentle-tempered. Even with his new bulkier form, he was always so gentle to hug me or lift me with his joy. I knew that with Xena, the two were better-matched physically, but with me he was a little different. Most parents have that with their children, I think.

Elena came out and kept me company as I stoked the fire and kept on with breakfast. She was a wonderful young woman, and I was very glad that she was having such a positive effect on my Alex. She sounded so considerate and positive and light. I remember I just kept on asking her questions, because I knew they wouldn't be with us for long.

"So, kids, then?"

She laughed as the topic yielded from boys to marriage to children - all with diverting from the sensitive subject of what she felt about her relationship with Alex specifically. But she knew what I meant, so she blushed. I have to admit, I wasn't used to being around other women who blushed to easily, and it really took me back to my younger days.

"Umm," she smiled - dimples overwhelming her cheeks. "Yes, I'd like children. I think I do well with them."

"I'm sure you do," I smiled back, not having meant to embarrass her in any way. I tended to the food as she was looking at me, wondering something. I could tell that much.

"How ... well, from what Alex has told of you and Xena ... it wasn't an ordinary start."

Then it was my turn to blush, but she had no idea of the reason. I didn't really, either, because I knew what she meant. But whenever I thought of first meeting with Xena, I got a rush of desire surging through me. "Yes ... it certainly wasn't."

"But somehow ... you knew? ... That you loved her?"

I loved helping others all my life, and I loved lending Elena my advice then, too. I looked right at her, and I spoke from my heart. "I knew I cared for Xena ... like I'd never cared for anyone else. But ... I don't know if love is the right word, because ... well, honestly, I was a little scared of her!"

Elena laughed, and I smiled.

"But ... there was definitely something about her. She was ... well. She was wonderful, and I cared for her right away. And then ... as we travelled together, I saw that I felt things for her I'd never felt for anyone else, either, and that it all came from love. I wanted to talk to her, to know her, to share my life with her. But it wasn't all that simple."

"Oh, love never is," she said in a way so plain that she grew on me all over again. She had a maturity to her that I hadn't had at her age, and I admired her for that. As we spoke more of love and life, I knew she would come to mean a great deal to me - like the daughter I'd never had.

It amazed me just how well Xena and I got along with Elena, and how natural it all felt. In Alexander's youth, when I had tried preparing myself for Alexander running off with some girl or another, I always felt upset about it. But as Alexander rode off with Elena only two days later, all I felt was pride. Pride that I had raised so noble and caring a son as to deserve such a beautiful soul as Elena at his side.

I squeezed Xena close, cried, and watched my son smile over his shoulder at us to inevitably start his life with the woman keeping close. They rode off down the trail just as Xena and I had rode off so many times together. I found myself wondering what sort of life they might have together, and when I might see them again.

Xena had so changed after our visit to her home, and the changes manifested themselves in different ways. At first, it was in her physical reactions to men who would bother her, and then it was her attitude, too. She had a certain humorous and airy aura that released her tensions and fears from harboring inside of her. She just ... let it all go. And it was a beautiful thing to watch.

As worried as I was to go without seeing Alex again for some time, Xena and I really enjoyed the next few weeks we had alone - in total silence. It had been so long since I'd truly put my worries away, and I felt I could do that, because I felt Alex was in good hands. Because Alex had something genuine to live for - as Xena did - I wasn't so afraid he might lose his life in battle. I knew he would be careful.

What surprised me about Alex and Elena was how quickly they were married. Xena and I had only had those few weeks together before we were invited to a royal wedding of the likes I had never even imagined.

At first, it seemed that the king had no intention of allowing his daughter to marry a nobody, but after he'd heard of that nobody's reputation and skill, he took another look at the boy - our Alex. Truth be told, Alex hated the fame that wedding gave to him, but the riches he found quite "fun." I say fun because he always said fun, even though his kids never thought that about their wealth. I suppose that mentality skips a generation.

Yes, after he was wed with Elena, it wasn't long before they started having children. I remember very clearly what my reaction was after holding that little girl for the first time, thinking back to the wedding and then the first time I had ever met Elena. There were so many memories rushing in that tears poured down my cheeks while I thought of what a beautiful future the little bundle would have. Alex was the protective type just as Xena had always been, so I knew the little baby would be safe all its life.

Xena tried not to be so affected by holding the baby for the first time, but her eyes were just as watery. She was simply better at holding back her tears. And gods be damned if that baby didn't cry once in her arms. The little infant only cooed and reached its chubby little fingers to whatever was closest. The tiny fingertips found the hard metal of Xena's breastplate, and Xena had her biggest fan from that moment on.

Iphigenia, that precious child, always looked up to Xena as her secret mentor, play fighting with her when she wasn't called for in her music lessons or etiquette. She didn't mind her scholarly classes quite as much, but she never took to words as her younger sister did - Kassiopeia. The two made quite a pair - Kassi with her head in the books at all times, and Iphi with a sword in her hand.

It wasn't until Demetrios came along that the balance was off-set, but he took well to the girls, and the three of them quickly became a famous trio around Thrace. As years passed and they grew into children, they made for quite an interesting kinship - Kassi the leader of planning and articulation, and Iphi and Demetrios the leaders of strength and physical tactic. The royal guard was unnecessary, as anyone troubling one of them troubled them all. And those little troublemakers were a force to be reckoned with, I must say!

There were a number of times I asked to have them stay with Xena and I at the cabin just south of Thessaly, and those beautiful children always surprised me. I found I was having a difficult time of keeping up with them, as a matter of fact. At night, as we slept outside of the cabin to keep watch for the kids, Xena was so exhausted too that we slept quite early. We'd been chasing them around and playing with them all day, and we weren't as youthful as we used to be.

It was hard coming to terms with age, but it wasn't as hard on Xena as it was with me. She would lay down like a sack of potatoes, and laugh at herself: "I'm getting old, Gabrielle."

I was more sensitive about fatigue in my older age, hoping Xena still saw the woman I used to be inside of me somewhere.

However, each time we were left to our own devices, she made certain to prove that to me over and over again. The things she did to me! She even taunted me as she had me, claiming things like: "I could never have done this to you then!" And in softer moments, reassuring me: "I need you just the way you are."

It never ceased to amaze me, how kind and lovingly Xena always spoke with me. She was tender even as she was holding me down or trying something ludicrous. We really enjoyed exploring each other as we had more time alone, never afraid or ashamed. Enjoying each other was something that had become tender, no matter its form. Tender, even in pain, with those eyes soothing me.

Those eyes ... I miss those eyes.

She'd left thirteen days ago to this day, in order to join Alexander in battle at Ephesus. They were to meet, plan, and head off on their journey as any other time, but this time is different, because I've heard of a terrible oversight from passersby. There is to be a surprise attack just as the battle has begun, and I'm terrified I've already lost her. If I can't make it to Xena and my son on time, I'm afraid I'll lose them forever, and I couldn't take that. I've been riding even in the dark at full pace just to catch up with them - writing only at night by the fire - but I worry that it's not enough. I worry their experience with travel overshadows my efforts. Still, I try to keep hopeful with the memories I've conjured in written word. Not that anything could compare to the love I feel for my partner and my son.

The people of Greece are counting on Xena and Alexander, I know, but I can't lose them. Other battles have been won quite victoriously, but I sit each night in fear of what might come of my family this time around. Things have changed.

The battle is to start tomorrow morning, and I am keeping awake tonight in order to head out again in a few hours to warn them. If by some miracle I do make it to see them, I fear that this will be the end. Even if that would be the case, I would gladly fall at Xena's side just to be with her in those last lively moments. To tell her that I love her one last time, just as she whispers her love to me.

I look up at the stars, and count my blessings for the family I have. Still, all I can think about is my beautiful Xena, slain just as I run to her. The image has cycled through my mind day after day, and all I wish is to see her first - to lock eyes with her. To hold her once again. To keep this loneliness from shaking me. If she were to pass away, I wouldn't wish to live on without her, and I know she feels the same way, so I pray nothing happens to me either. This feeling, though, fills me with promise that this is to be the end.

Whatever should happen to the two of us, may our son live.

Alexander, father to the three most wonderful, powerful and tale-worthy children - may he live to raise them. May he one day write about them as I have of him in other scrolls. May he look back on his life with no regrets, but love for his family. How I love my perfect son.

No matter the situation, I am with Xena till the end. Through our many years together, in sickness and in health, we have supported one another and never given up on anything. I have always fought and loved at her side, knowing it might one day come to this. And I will be there all my days, until the end of time.

Where she goes, I go.

Fin.

* * *

Eulogy, as spoken by Alexander of Thessaly.

Ladies and gentlemen ... children. I welcome you all here to honor the lives of my mothers, Xena of Amphipolis and Gabrielle of Potidaea.

... I didn't believe this world could be so cruel as to take both my mothers at once ... but it was then I realized its mercy. You see ... neither would have liked to live without the other at her side. So I speak to you today not to wrap this world in sorrow, but to explain the last moments of which they shared.

Xena and I had begun the morning's preparations for the battle, and we were headed in with our men when Xena told me something was wrong. She said she worried for Gabrielle, and so I worried, too. Still, we led the army into battle as was necessary, when out from the hilltop comes running Gabrielle like I'd never seen her before. She was fierce and assured, leaping over men and even between them as she screamed to Xena, and we both turned to her in shock.

That Xena had feared for her ahead of time ... well. I know the rumours of her godliness, but that was truly awe-inspiring. And she'd been right. There with all of her energy and purpose, Gabrielle bolted over to Xena, warning of the attack to come. She told Xena of the surprise planned just over the hill, allowing her to instruct the men to take off in that direction pre-emptively. She saved a lot of men by sharing what she heard, but I knew her reasons, and she wouldn't have wanted that glory.

*Tearing up, slowly calms himself.*

Xena told Gabrielle to please leave - to keep herself from harm, but my mother, as stubborn as she always was, wanted to be there with her till the end. She said this battle would be like no other, and that she wasn't going anywhere. She was as brave as she was eloquent with her words.

That I couldn't have saved her ... saved both of them ...

*Clears his throat and exhales raggedly.*

As we fought, up came arrows from the other side of that hill, dropping to pierce my mother - Gabrielle. I fought behind her, and roared with pain as I saw it happen. Xena turned without warning to see what I saw, and dropped everything to run to her. I'd never seen that look on my mother's face ... that look in her eyes like ...

*Quickly wipes his hand over his face, hiding any tears having fallen.*

It might have seemed that Xena tackled Gabrielle, but it was all to save her from another arrow. Xena picked up a shield from the ground, and held it up, over their heads as she laid over Gabrielle, being careful not to agitate the arrow in her side.

I fought the man before me, screaming with agony, ripped with adrenaline. All I had ever known was collapsing - even the great and mighty Xena leaving herself defenceless for the woman she loved. It was a sight like none I'd ever seen before ... touching and delicate, amidst the blood and violence of the crowd.

As our men charged ahead, having had an advance notice of the attack, they had thoroughly distracted the enemy just after another wave of arrows rippled through the air and struck Xena thrice in the back, once in her leg.

I beat the other two men off of me, and ran to my fallen mothers to sink to my knees aside them, out of sorts and in disbelief that it had come to that. Both so strong and so powerful, and yet there they lied together, unregretful of their actions. They were glad, in fact, just to have ... just to have those last moments together.

They seemed ...

*Breathes in to calm himself.*

They seemed happy, in fact.

*Looks off, past the crowd, and then re-focuses.*

I would like to call some attention to the love they shared from my childhood, and all the times they showed me that it wasn't weak to share your dreams with another - they could embrace it. It wasn't silly to chase your dreams - your true love would chase them with you. They showed me what it meant to care for someone else above yourself, and they proved their devotion to each other in their last moments on this earth.

Even as they laid there, I heard Xena whisper something Gabrielle had written long ago: "Where you go, I go." She said it in a way that proved to me they both understood that mortality was coming upon them ... she touched my mother's face as she spoke. She looked at her, and she kissed her before falling limp, cascaded over Gabrielle as they each took their last breath. And even with the blood ... even with my great sadness, I could see the poetry in their death - the two of them tangled together to escape into the Elysian Fields for an eternity of companionship and love.

*Looks back at the graves of his mothers, side-by-side.*

For those who didn't know them well, they shared a love like no other. For those who did know them well, you are comforted by the words of their final moments together. And for those writing history, may they forever remember these two honorable women by their skill ... their inspiring nature ... and most of all, the belief that love is the most important piece of life, to be treasured above all else. They would have no regrets, and I am proud to call myself their son.

This world will learn from their message of eternal love.

*Tilts his head up with a subtle smile on his lips, opening his palms to the sky.*

Xena and Gabrielle ... rest in peace.

* * *

Thank you for reading.


End file.
